Roll on Spring!
Just like yesterday it was a grey day, though a tiny bit warmer. I didn't went out that much, I felt tired and felt like resting. I did my last part of the groceries and carried two big bags full of a part of Dad's stuff to a second hand store near by my house. Just some little stuff what I'm not gonna use anyway, The belongings I wanted to hold on to are still in my house. The second hand store was amazingly happy with the stuff I brought, it was nice to see their happy faces. My Dad would have done the same.
I figured if I would give it away to just a few persons, then that wouldn't have give me a pleasant feeling. The people I know who could use Dad's stuff are greedy, and un thankfully. So yeah, at the second hand store more people will probably buy the stuff, so, more people will be happy. All good! I have much more to bring, but that can wait until probably Wednesday or Friday. Further today not that much, rested mostly, tomorrow will be the same. I have much more energy during warmer weather.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Unexpected bicycle repairs...
Unexpected bicycle repairs...
The Winter is surely not over yet, in my eyes this Winter is even longer then last year's. It was a grey and foggy day this Friday. Although the temperature went a bit up today, next week the temperature will go down once again. The exhausted feeling from yesterday I felt today aswell, so easy going was my plan today. My bicycle needed some repairing, the chain is dry and needed to be tighten up a bit, while I ride my bike it makes noise, and it annoys me. A few days ago I went to the bicycle repairer where I bought my bike from, they told me to leave the bicycle behind and pick it up the next day...
But I ain't had time for that, cause the next day I had to work. I told the repairer that I would come back in a few days when I have more time. There's aswell a bicycle repairer close to the train station, who's actually less expensive. He lives closer too, last time I visited him I had a flat tire. He then fixed the tired in not even twenty minutes. Today I went to that repairer aswell, he fixed my chain in a little 10 minutes. Oh, my bike felt while cycling so much better. I went straight to the super market to buy some groceries. Afterwards, just before reaching my front door I noticed that my rear tire was almost empty.
Sigh, I didn't even went inside, I went once again to the repairer. He pumped up my tire, and letted it be. We both didn't know if the tire had a leek or just out of air. I went home and decided to wait and check my tire later again. This bicycle repairer is closed on Saturdays, so I needed him today if my tire had a leek, lol. Other repairs are expensive or to busy to fix my bike. It was 3:00 pm when I checked my tire, and yeah, it had a leek. Flat! Back to the repairer I went, he fixed it fast and I went home again. All in all the repairs on my bike costed me a little 22 Euro's, damn! Plans for the weekend? Nothing yet, the weather isn't that good. I will just see what's gonna happen, I still have to go trough my Dad's stuff aswell one more time.
The Winter is surely not over yet, in my eyes this Winter is even longer then last year's. It was a grey and foggy day this Friday. Although the temperature went a bit up today, next week the temperature will go down once again. The exhausted feeling from yesterday I felt today aswell, so easy going was my plan today. My bicycle needed some repairing, the chain is dry and needed to be tighten up a bit, while I ride my bike it makes noise, and it annoys me. A few days ago I went to the bicycle repairer where I bought my bike from, they told me to leave the bicycle behind and pick it up the next day...
But I ain't had time for that, cause the next day I had to work. I told the repairer that I would come back in a few days when I have more time. There's aswell a bicycle repairer close to the train station, who's actually less expensive. He lives closer too, last time I visited him I had a flat tire. He then fixed the tired in not even twenty minutes. Today I went to that repairer aswell, he fixed my chain in a little 10 minutes. Oh, my bike felt while cycling so much better. I went straight to the super market to buy some groceries. Afterwards, just before reaching my front door I noticed that my rear tire was almost empty.
Sigh, I didn't even went inside, I went once again to the repairer. He pumped up my tire, and letted it be. We both didn't know if the tire had a leek or just out of air. I went home and decided to wait and check my tire later again. This bicycle repairer is closed on Saturdays, so I needed him today if my tire had a leek, lol. Other repairs are expensive or to busy to fix my bike. It was 3:00 pm when I checked my tire, and yeah, it had a leek. Flat! Back to the repairer I went, he fixed it fast and I went home again. All in all the repairs on my bike costed me a little 22 Euro's, damn! Plans for the weekend? Nothing yet, the weather isn't that good. I will just see what's gonna happen, I still have to go trough my Dad's stuff aswell one more time.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Tired!
Tired!
I'm even to tired to write, or better, I'm exhausted. After I written this post I will probably go to bed and sleep long, I'm longing for it. I worked today on little mats, mats with rubber in-layers. They were almost finished, only the in-layers had to be cut of nicely and the mat needed a label and a extension. fourty mats, it was quit a work. The rubber was thick, and though to cut. But I got it done, I felt exhausted afterwards.
I'm even to tired to write, or better, I'm exhausted. After I written this post I will probably go to bed and sleep long, I'm longing for it. I worked today on little mats, mats with rubber in-layers. They were almost finished, only the in-layers had to be cut of nicely and the mat needed a label and a extension. fourty mats, it was quit a work. The rubber was thick, and though to cut. But I got it done, I felt exhausted afterwards.
After work, I went straight to the 'free dinner,' like I usually do on Thursdays after work. The weather-forecast for spelled snow in the afternoon, it snowed yes, but it went dry when working time was over. The free dinners are quit busy recently, more people are coming, some people bring even their kids. I don't mind, it's cozy. Though after a day of work I'm longing aswell for some quietness and rest. After the dinner I went with Janine and her kids to her house. Her kids insisted, I can't refuse then, lol.
Janine is a friend of a few friends I still know from Humanitas, I went with them cause Janine offered me a coffee, I thought, "Yeah, why not." The snow started again, and the wind blew hard while I was on my way towards home, I'm done with this snow and this cold weather. It's been nice, but I'm longing for warmer weather. The coffee visit was nice, though Janine lives quit far from my house. On my long way back the snow went even harder, I was double exhausted after I came home.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Kicked back...
Kicked back...
This morning my Aunt and Uncle dropped by to bring Dad's last belongings, it wasn't that much. Three boxes and one bag, most of Dad's belongings were brought to a second hand store. Because they were to heavy for us, and most of the stuff we (in our Family) didn't had space for it. My Aunt and Uncle brought aswell the mourning cards and such, that hitted me right back to last week. The mourning cards were touching, my Dad was a good man. I even saw pictures of my Dad when I went trough the boxes, I saw pictures of him while he lived in the nursery house. I noticed on most of the pictures that he surely wasn't the same as he was before my Mom died. On a few pictures I saw him just staring, while others were cheering and enjoying them selves. That's a reason that he loved Mom so much, all I can say now is that they are together now after thirteen years. I love you Dad!
In total I have so much little stuff now from Dad, I should think about what to do with it. I went trough all the stuff recently and I will go trough it once again, it's difficult to decide what to do with it. It has memories, and to just get rid of it, makes it kinda hard. I thought about bringing it to the people who cook with the free dinners, they could use it. But today I asked and they didn't want it, they told me to bring it to a second hand store, yeah, I might just do that. I think I will keep it for a while, let's say a month. I know a few people who could use Dad's stuff aswell , most of the stuff are plates, forks, spoons and knives, cups, etc, etc. Yeah, good decision. Looking trough Dad's belongings hurted, but it's okay. It's okay to mourn and grief, it's a must aswell. One day my grieving will turn into a 100% joy.
This morning my Aunt and Uncle dropped by to bring Dad's last belongings, it wasn't that much. Three boxes and one bag, most of Dad's belongings were brought to a second hand store. Because they were to heavy for us, and most of the stuff we (in our Family) didn't had space for it. My Aunt and Uncle brought aswell the mourning cards and such, that hitted me right back to last week. The mourning cards were touching, my Dad was a good man. I even saw pictures of my Dad when I went trough the boxes, I saw pictures of him while he lived in the nursery house. I noticed on most of the pictures that he surely wasn't the same as he was before my Mom died. On a few pictures I saw him just staring, while others were cheering and enjoying them selves. That's a reason that he loved Mom so much, all I can say now is that they are together now after thirteen years. I love you Dad!
In total I have so much little stuff now from Dad, I should think about what to do with it. I went trough all the stuff recently and I will go trough it once again, it's difficult to decide what to do with it. It has memories, and to just get rid of it, makes it kinda hard. I thought about bringing it to the people who cook with the free dinners, they could use it. But today I asked and they didn't want it, they told me to bring it to a second hand store, yeah, I might just do that. I think I will keep it for a while, let's say a month. I know a few people who could use Dad's stuff aswell , most of the stuff are plates, forks, spoons and knives, cups, etc, etc. Yeah, good decision. Looking trough Dad's belongings hurted, but it's okay. It's okay to mourn and grief, it's a must aswell. One day my grieving will turn into a 100% joy.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Exhausted and not much to post or write...
Exhausted and not much to post or write...
Yes, another day has ended, another succesfull day at work. Love my job, though I was well tired after this day. The last two days were exhausting, the cold wind is not helping either. I nearly get to the time that I'm fed up with the cold weather, although I know it's part of the Winter. Roll on Spring or Summer, I really hope we have a (to) long hot Summer. I love warm weather, no matter how warm or hot it is.
Tomorrow my Aunt and Uncle will bring the last stuff from my Dad, it's the last stuff from my Dad's room. Most stuff is gone, the two rooms where Dad lived were empty and clean already last week. Time passes by so fast, it's been twelve days already since my Dad passed away. Thinking of reminding of the passing feels awkward, like it didn't happen, like I have the feeling that I have to meet him one day again soon. Everything went so fast.
Yes, another day has ended, another succesfull day at work. Love my job, though I was well tired after this day. The last two days were exhausting, the cold wind is not helping either. I nearly get to the time that I'm fed up with the cold weather, although I know it's part of the Winter. Roll on Spring or Summer, I really hope we have a (to) long hot Summer. I love warm weather, no matter how warm or hot it is.
Tomorrow my Aunt and Uncle will bring the last stuff from my Dad, it's the last stuff from my Dad's room. Most stuff is gone, the two rooms where Dad lived were empty and clean already last week. Time passes by so fast, it's been twelve days already since my Dad passed away. Thinking of reminding of the passing feels awkward, like it didn't happen, like I have the feeling that I have to meet him one day again soon. Everything went so fast.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Monday, Monday!
Monday, Monday!
A bit of a energy boost I had this morning, I guess the rest in the weekend did me good. Work went great, though here and there a bit tired and exhausted. I just did a bit to much, I was carried away you can say, I just love my job. It was such a cold day today, the wind went straightt through my clothing. I think when we reach March it will be good to say goodbye to the colder weather and snow, yeah no more snow in March. Where can I sign!?
How am I feeling after one week since my Dad passed away? Well, the mourning still continues I guess, ofcource, although it seems I'm doing fine and continues my daily things, the missing is still there. Last week on this Monday I was worried, confused, sad and felt miserable. Worried that I would collapse since my Dad passed away, the feeling that I couldn't handle this all. After Dad's funeral I automatically became calmer, my thinking became easier aswell, the worries went less.
Though like I said, the missing is still there, yet I'm calm about it. Weird actually, maybe it's a gift from my Dad above, sounds silly perhaps, but who knows. I might need counseling after a few weeks, I don't know. I'm okay now, calm and kinda relaxed. And you know when the sad moments and sad thoughts come back I will be ready, ready to mourn or grief. I know what to do. It's part of the process, I will get trough this, I'm positive about it.
A bit of a energy boost I had this morning, I guess the rest in the weekend did me good. Work went great, though here and there a bit tired and exhausted. I just did a bit to much, I was carried away you can say, I just love my job. It was such a cold day today, the wind went straightt through my clothing. I think when we reach March it will be good to say goodbye to the colder weather and snow, yeah no more snow in March. Where can I sign!?
How am I feeling after one week since my Dad passed away? Well, the mourning still continues I guess, ofcource, although it seems I'm doing fine and continues my daily things, the missing is still there. Last week on this Monday I was worried, confused, sad and felt miserable. Worried that I would collapse since my Dad passed away, the feeling that I couldn't handle this all. After Dad's funeral I automatically became calmer, my thinking became easier aswell, the worries went less.
Though like I said, the missing is still there, yet I'm calm about it. Weird actually, maybe it's a gift from my Dad above, sounds silly perhaps, but who knows. I might need counseling after a few weeks, I don't know. I'm okay now, calm and kinda relaxed. And you know when the sad moments and sad thoughts come back I will be ready, ready to mourn or grief. I know what to do. It's part of the process, I will get trough this, I'm positive about it.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
"Insert tittle."
"Insert tittle."
There's not much to say on this Sunday. Resting, cooking, napping, yes the usual things I do on a Sunday. And I'm not even bored, I like the rest and quitness. Still 161 days before my big trip to Atlanta, I don't think I ever been that far from home. It will be a nine hour flight, I will be fine. I'm sure. Canada was far aswell but not that far as Atlanta, Canada, Toronto was a little seven hours flying. I started today with my little traveling plan program, every so now and then I will look trough it and learn from it, lol. Today I explored the site Schiphol, the airport in Amsterdam. Piece of cake! I have been there before, I just checked it out to see if there were any changes. The last time I was at Schiphol was in January 2011, coming back from Canada, sigh!
The airport in Atlanta will be slightly different, I have NEVER been there. So, it will be 'eek,' lol. But it will go fine, I suppose. I learned a little trick while being on a new airport, just check or try to memorize the other passengers while your still on the plane on your way to the new airport. Handy is aswell to have several chats with the passenger next to you, tell him or her where your going, and then tell him that your new to this airport where your flying too, lol. He or she might help you out, I had that experience in Canada. A old lady told me to walk with her, she guided me to where I had to be, nice of her!
So, once I'm in Atlanta, I will get out of the plane, follow the other passengers, (usually that goes automaticly). Passport check, still following the other passengers, then customs-check. Then get my suitcase, if I can't find the place where the suitcases are (probably sure I will) I can always ask or try to look for passengers where I have been in the plane with. Ofcource they are alot of signs aswell where I can find the place where I can pick up my suitcase, "Flight- Amsterdam/Atlanta." I will bring my pink suitcase, that one is easy to spot. Yeah, that will go well, I'm excited to go.Once I have gone trough passport check, customs and have gotten my suitcase, I will be fine.
Then when I'm outside of the airport waiting for the one in the passengers arrivers hall, Jan doesn't show up! Or I can't find her! Oh NO, worst nightmare, LOL!
There's not much to say on this Sunday. Resting, cooking, napping, yes the usual things I do on a Sunday. And I'm not even bored, I like the rest and quitness. Still 161 days before my big trip to Atlanta, I don't think I ever been that far from home. It will be a nine hour flight, I will be fine. I'm sure. Canada was far aswell but not that far as Atlanta, Canada, Toronto was a little seven hours flying. I started today with my little traveling plan program, every so now and then I will look trough it and learn from it, lol. Today I explored the site Schiphol, the airport in Amsterdam. Piece of cake! I have been there before, I just checked it out to see if there were any changes. The last time I was at Schiphol was in January 2011, coming back from Canada, sigh!
The airport in Atlanta will be slightly different, I have NEVER been there. So, it will be 'eek,' lol. But it will go fine, I suppose. I learned a little trick while being on a new airport, just check or try to memorize the other passengers while your still on the plane on your way to the new airport. Handy is aswell to have several chats with the passenger next to you, tell him or her where your going, and then tell him that your new to this airport where your flying too, lol. He or she might help you out, I had that experience in Canada. A old lady told me to walk with her, she guided me to where I had to be, nice of her!
So, once I'm in Atlanta, I will get out of the plane, follow the other passengers, (usually that goes automaticly). Passport check, still following the other passengers, then customs-check. Then get my suitcase, if I can't find the place where the suitcases are (probably sure I will) I can always ask or try to look for passengers where I have been in the plane with. Ofcource they are alot of signs aswell where I can find the place where I can pick up my suitcase, "Flight- Amsterdam/Atlanta." I will bring my pink suitcase, that one is easy to spot. Yeah, that will go well, I'm excited to go.Once I have gone trough passport check, customs and have gotten my suitcase, I will be fine.
Then when I'm outside of the airport waiting for the one in the passengers arrivers hall, Jan doesn't show up! Or I can't find her! Oh NO, worst nightmare, LOL!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
"Saturday's alright."
"Saturday's alright."
I was a tiny bit nervous to see Dad's grave again today, but off I went. Kinda weird aswell to be back in Dad's village, can't explain why actually. Maybe it was the fact that I been here in this village alot, only to visit my Dad. But now he's gone, passed away. Yes, I'm here to visit him, but differently.. I felt kinda dizzy and weird while on my way to Dad's village, once on the graveyard I was okay. I had to walk quit a bit but the weather was great. Sunshine, blue sky, though cold, but hey, it's Winter! I have been living in Nijverdal for almost 30 years, alot has changed since then.
They are building a huge train tunnel in Nijverdal, (Dad's village) it's amazing to see how big and huge it is. They have been building on this bridge for quit a while now, in 2008 the builders started digging and creating this tunnel. This year, somewhere in March the first trains will ride trough this tunnel. I'm sure will be there, today I had a little peek at the new train station aswell, wow, just wow! That must have cost something, unbelievable!
At the graveyard I walked slowly towards my Dad's grave, I should actually say my parents grave. Both my Mom and Dad are laying here, it's a double grave. The flowers were still nice, even though it freezed last night. The smell of the white roses were nice too, it was kinda strange standing at the grave. You can't actually do anything, I talked a bit to Dad, just in myself, sayed a prayer and just stood there. I'm glad I could spend time with him the last two years, for the same reason I could have still been in Canada. I'm happy I returned.
I was a tiny bit nervous to see Dad's grave again today, but off I went. Kinda weird aswell to be back in Dad's village, can't explain why actually. Maybe it was the fact that I been here in this village alot, only to visit my Dad. But now he's gone, passed away. Yes, I'm here to visit him, but differently.. I felt kinda dizzy and weird while on my way to Dad's village, once on the graveyard I was okay. I had to walk quit a bit but the weather was great. Sunshine, blue sky, though cold, but hey, it's Winter! I have been living in Nijverdal for almost 30 years, alot has changed since then.
They are building a huge train tunnel in Nijverdal, (Dad's village) it's amazing to see how big and huge it is. They have been building on this bridge for quit a while now, in 2008 the builders started digging and creating this tunnel. This year, somewhere in March the first trains will ride trough this tunnel. I'm sure will be there, today I had a little peek at the new train station aswell, wow, just wow! That must have cost something, unbelievable!
At the graveyard I walked slowly towards my Dad's grave, I should actually say my parents grave. Both my Mom and Dad are laying here, it's a double grave. The flowers were still nice, even though it freezed last night. The smell of the white roses were nice too, it was kinda strange standing at the grave. You can't actually do anything, I talked a bit to Dad, just in myself, sayed a prayer and just stood there. I'm glad I could spend time with him the last two years, for the same reason I could have still been in Canada. I'm happy I returned.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Something new...
Something new...
I might have something new to do in the following months, before my Dad passed away I had contact with a staff member from the 'Buddy wanted' project. I recently stopped with my contact 'Johan' from the 'Buddy wanted' project, it was no use, I didn't came a step further with him. Anyway, I will get a new 'contact' the following months, and a aswell a new thing! I will become probably a 'visitor, ' a visitor for people who need more visitors, to say it simply. That was in short, here's the longer explaining...
The friendly home visit project is intended for people who feel lonely. A volunteer can aswell be the lack of their contact break and the help to make new contacts. It is also intended for people who want to share their thoughts and experiences occasionally with someone, and for those who want to tell their story to someone who can listen. The Friendly home visit project is meant to be based on equality, to mean something for each other. This can be anything: a cup of coffee, shopping together, take a walk or just a chat. The project Friendly Home visits are very different. A participant is approximately between 30 and 75 years old and in social isolation hit or threaten to hit herein.
When the staff member told me about this project I was interested, I thought, "Why not?" Though I will be nerves aswell, thoughts are, "Could I really do this?" Ofcource the person who I will visit are strangers at first, scary and eeek! lol. The first time IF I'm gonna do this, someone will come with me to the person who I will visit. I think it a nice project, I think it will be good for me aswell. Seeing other people, communication, I will learn from it aswell. So yeah, I'm ready, (I think)
Today has been okay, gosh, days are going by so fast, last week my Dad passed away, what a terrible day that was. Now he's already buried and my life continued. I rested and took it easy on this Friday, the worries are mostly gone. I was worried last week of what will become of me now when Dad has passed away, I was confused and nervous. Now, I'm more calmer and know ahead that I will be alright, I'm out of worries. I like the rest I planned, and when I feel I like to do this or that, I will. The fun things will come again, I'm sure.
Tomorrow will be a bit of a Dad day, last time I saw Dad was last Wednesday. I will visit Dad's grave tomorrow, I think it will be a nice out for me. I still miss Dad, ofcource. The missing will stay, the missing will get less heavier. Then I can carry it, and give it a place. I loved him so much, I will never forget him. One last thing, I would have thought that Saf (my ex) would have give me condolence, but no! She couldn't have missed the 'it' because of trough my mutual friends. Today she 'liked' my cover photo on my profile page, she couldn't have missed 'it.'
I might have something new to do in the following months, before my Dad passed away I had contact with a staff member from the 'Buddy wanted' project. I recently stopped with my contact 'Johan' from the 'Buddy wanted' project, it was no use, I didn't came a step further with him. Anyway, I will get a new 'contact' the following months, and a aswell a new thing! I will become probably a 'visitor, ' a visitor for people who need more visitors, to say it simply. That was in short, here's the longer explaining...
The friendly home visit project is intended for people who feel lonely. A volunteer can aswell be the lack of their contact break and the help to make new contacts. It is also intended for people who want to share their thoughts and experiences occasionally with someone, and for those who want to tell their story to someone who can listen. The Friendly home visit project is meant to be based on equality, to mean something for each other. This can be anything: a cup of coffee, shopping together, take a walk or just a chat. The project Friendly Home visits are very different. A participant is approximately between 30 and 75 years old and in social isolation hit or threaten to hit herein.
When the staff member told me about this project I was interested, I thought, "Why not?" Though I will be nerves aswell, thoughts are, "Could I really do this?" Ofcource the person who I will visit are strangers at first, scary and eeek! lol. The first time IF I'm gonna do this, someone will come with me to the person who I will visit. I think it a nice project, I think it will be good for me aswell. Seeing other people, communication, I will learn from it aswell. So yeah, I'm ready, (I think)
Today has been okay, gosh, days are going by so fast, last week my Dad passed away, what a terrible day that was. Now he's already buried and my life continued. I rested and took it easy on this Friday, the worries are mostly gone. I was worried last week of what will become of me now when Dad has passed away, I was confused and nervous. Now, I'm more calmer and know ahead that I will be alright, I'm out of worries. I like the rest I planned, and when I feel I like to do this or that, I will. The fun things will come again, I'm sure.
Tomorrow will be a bit of a Dad day, last time I saw Dad was last Wednesday. I will visit Dad's grave tomorrow, I think it will be a nice out for me. I still miss Dad, ofcource. The missing will stay, the missing will get less heavier. Then I can carry it, and give it a place. I loved him so much, I will never forget him. One last thing, I would have thought that Saf (my ex) would have give me condolence, but no! She couldn't have missed the 'it' because of trough my mutual friends. Today she 'liked' my cover photo on my profile page, she couldn't have missed 'it.'
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Work went well, though one day of work is enough.
Work went well, though one day of work is enough.
Work was good, though I was tired afterwards, ofcource I was. Many fellow workers came to me today for wishing me strength, and for hearing me out. That was nice, it did me good. The distraction I got from work was good aswell, though like I said, after work I had enough. I couldn't have done another day, aswell the thoughts today were, "Am I not going to fast to be working today after I buried my Dad yesterday? That's why it was good that it was only one day, tomorrow starts my weekend. I will rest and do not that much, I haven't got planned anything either. The last six days have been rough and heavy. I need my rest.
I think I will slowly continue with making plans for my trip to Atlanta USA these coming days, (I'm going to meet a friend there) I think I will make a little program for the trip aswell. A month before Dad's passing away I was busy with planning my trip to Atlanta, planning like, asking for information, seeing if I can afford it, and in the end booking the trip. The little program I want to make is just for myself, it's fun. My program includes, 'what do I take with me,' what to do when I get on the airport,' 'what do I do when I arrive in Atlanta,' etc, etc. It will be good, I'm not worried, (liar, lol) Okay just a bit then.
Work was good, though I was tired afterwards, ofcource I was. Many fellow workers came to me today for wishing me strength, and for hearing me out. That was nice, it did me good. The distraction I got from work was good aswell, though like I said, after work I had enough. I couldn't have done another day, aswell the thoughts today were, "Am I not going to fast to be working today after I buried my Dad yesterday? That's why it was good that it was only one day, tomorrow starts my weekend. I will rest and do not that much, I haven't got planned anything either. The last six days have been rough and heavy. I need my rest.
I think I will slowly continue with making plans for my trip to Atlanta USA these coming days, (I'm going to meet a friend there) I think I will make a little program for the trip aswell. A month before Dad's passing away I was busy with planning my trip to Atlanta, planning like, asking for information, seeing if I can afford it, and in the end booking the trip. The little program I want to make is just for myself, it's fun. My program includes, 'what do I take with me,' what to do when I get on the airport,' 'what do I do when I arrive in Atlanta,' etc, etc. It will be good, I'm not worried, (liar, lol) Okay just a bit then.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Toughest day of my life...
Toughest day of my life...
I think I know where the pain came from the last few days, I already had this chest pain and feeling tired since Dad passed away last Friday, even before his passing. The last few days it became worse, I was anxious and nervous for the funeral, I guess it's normal. Why was I anxious and nervous? I don't know, I felt like crying the last few days but it felt aswell that everything is stuck, and I couldn't cry. I can't really explain why I was so anxious for the funeral, afraid to show my emotion? Afraid of how I would cope? Afraid of my Dad's Family? I think all of them a bit of both. Though I can see the funeral aswell as a new start, that may sound harsh, but it is a new start. "Open my eyes, love and move on, that's what my Dad wanted."
The funeral...
The funeral itself went smoothly, I got up on time, even before my alarm clock. (as usual) I went even thirty minutes sooner with the train as I had planned, I wanted to be sure that I was on time. And I was. I had to be at the train station in Nijverdal (Dad's place) at 9:15 am. My Aunt and Uncle will pick me up from there. We had to be at the church at 9:30 am. I arrived at 8:45 am, thirty minutes sooner then planned. It was cold and a bit misty. I went for a little walk, cause of the thirty minutes, I felt for a little walk. Perhaps to prepair myself and to get some fresh air. At 5 minutes past 9 my Uncle arrived with my Aunt and their Son, (my Cousin.) I felt a bit of a relief, it was nice being with Family members. We were perfect on time at the little church, we waited ten minutes, then the priest let us in and guided us trough the building and to my Dad, ugh!
Seeing Dad again made me tear up, I did not mind the tears. I thought of what some friends of mine told me a few days ago, 'let the tears come, let it out. Don't stop the tears, Do not walk away from your emotions, it helps you to get trough this process.' Tough, I just cried a little. Next the priest guided us to our seats in a little hallway and let us wait there for other Family members and relatives from Dad, everything went smoothly. The Church itself and the little hallways were nicely decorated with candles, white roses and a few memoriam cards from my Dad. There was a register where you could write regards. The Family and relatives were not in many amounts, but I was happy with the ones who were there. When it was time for the condolences I saw my Nieces and a few Aunts from my Mom's Family side, then I teared up again.
I wasn't sure if they would come, but they came. They wished me strength. Later on a Niece told me that they came just for me and my Dad. The church service was touching but aswell tough, The carriers brought Dad's coffin into the little church, and me and plus my Dad's two brothers and one sister followed. I cried a few times, and again, I did not mind the tears. Though it wasn't always easy to cry. The priest did everything well and so nice, there was choir music aswell. My Dad loved choir music, not that weird cause in his youth he was a choir member. The music made me tear up again, it is such a weird experience for me. Just to witness this all and seeing my own Dad laying there in his coffin isn't a pleasure. Difficult to describe the feeling. Weird was the feeling aswell that I was worried about Dad.
After the service the carriers came again and carried Dad's coffin out of the church towards the car, followed by me plus Dad's two Brothers and his one Sister. Dad had three Brothers and three Sisters. Again such a weird experience, 'They just can't leave Dad in his coffin, this is weird,' I thought. I knew it's a funeral and I knew this is all real and happening, Dad passed away and were gonna take him to his last resting place, that's it. Pain on my chest, weird stomach, and the crying went stuck. Dad's coffin was carried in the car and drove on front, followed by other cars from us. The sun came out and it was gorgeous weather, God might have ordered this weather for Dad. The trip from the little church to the graveyard lasted not even ten minutes.
Arrived at the graveyard the black car with Dad's coffin stopped and the carriers took Dad to his last resting place. Dad will be buried with my Mom, Dad's everything, this is all he ever wanted. This was what he always wished, it's a kind of a relief to know this. Though the missing him is there too. For me this was the toughest part of the funeral, here came that weird feeling again. 'Your gonna put my Dad here? You just can't leave him here, all on his own.'Many thoughts were going trough my mind, 'He doesn't even have a coat on, he might get cold,' so weird. This is what happens with funerals, I knew that, but still. I found it so sad for my Dad, I wished I could speak to him one more time, saying a goodbye, saying him that I will do fine, saying him that he will be my guiding angel. But no, I prayed to him and waited until the other Family members left too.
Again, it was good to be with other Family members, the support and caring, it was all what I needed. Leaving the graveyard and Dad was tough, walking away from him hurted but I figured I can always come back for a greeting, just like with my Mom. He isn't gone actually in my eyes, yes he passed away and I won't see him again, won't be able to visit him again, but he's in my heart. He will guide me and be with me where ever I go, it will be good, I'm sure. Leaving the graveyard we all went back to the little church, to have a last seeing each other, a chat, coffee or tea and a sandwich. Our Family is getting smaller and smaller, I saw my Nieces and Cousins, a few Aunts and Uncles. It was so nice to see my Nieces and Aunts from my Mom's side, I sat with them and we talked, I thanked them kindly for being with me at this moment.
When I sat with my Nephews, the kids from my Dad's brothers and Sister it was a bit different, we talked but has some jokes aswell. It did me good to see them, the laughs were doing me good, ofcource. All was good, all was okay. Though I felt tired, after the sand wiches and coffee I went one more time to my Aunt's house for a cuppa tea, and from there my Uncle brought me to the train station. I spent five hours in Nijverdal and I was exhausted, ofcource I did. The train had a delay, so I was a bit later in Almelo. I did a few groceries cause I needed food for dinner. I decided not to go the the 'free dinner,' today at 5:00, that would have been to much for me. Arrived at home I had a little nap, I felt like a bomb went of in my body. I needed rest. Tomorrow I will work again, I feel kinda nerves for that but, my fellow workers will take good care of me. I'm sure.
How do I look back to this day? It's been the toughest day of my life I can say, weird is that with my Mom's funeral I had slightly a different feeling as with my Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral was way tougher, I don't know why. I saw dad's passing away already coming 13 years ago, my Mom passed away 13 years ago. From that time I thought, "Dad's next." With that fear I walked 13 years, sometimes with ups and sometimes with downs. So, why did Dad's passing away made such a impact on me? Is it guilt? Is it that I loved him SO much? Or this or that, I don't know. Maybe a tiny bit of guilt, but oblivious is that I loved him very much, it shows, cause I feel so much pain now he's gone. For now, I will rest and I feel aswell that I will get trough this process, at the moment I just want rest.
I don't feel much for going out, visit a store what I like or something else, that surely will come again. I'm not worried about that, it will come again.
I think I know where the pain came from the last few days, I already had this chest pain and feeling tired since Dad passed away last Friday, even before his passing. The last few days it became worse, I was anxious and nervous for the funeral, I guess it's normal. Why was I anxious and nervous? I don't know, I felt like crying the last few days but it felt aswell that everything is stuck, and I couldn't cry. I can't really explain why I was so anxious for the funeral, afraid to show my emotion? Afraid of how I would cope? Afraid of my Dad's Family? I think all of them a bit of both. Though I can see the funeral aswell as a new start, that may sound harsh, but it is a new start. "Open my eyes, love and move on, that's what my Dad wanted."
The funeral...
The funeral itself went smoothly, I got up on time, even before my alarm clock. (as usual) I went even thirty minutes sooner with the train as I had planned, I wanted to be sure that I was on time. And I was. I had to be at the train station in Nijverdal (Dad's place) at 9:15 am. My Aunt and Uncle will pick me up from there. We had to be at the church at 9:30 am. I arrived at 8:45 am, thirty minutes sooner then planned. It was cold and a bit misty. I went for a little walk, cause of the thirty minutes, I felt for a little walk. Perhaps to prepair myself and to get some fresh air. At 5 minutes past 9 my Uncle arrived with my Aunt and their Son, (my Cousin.) I felt a bit of a relief, it was nice being with Family members. We were perfect on time at the little church, we waited ten minutes, then the priest let us in and guided us trough the building and to my Dad, ugh!
Seeing Dad again made me tear up, I did not mind the tears. I thought of what some friends of mine told me a few days ago, 'let the tears come, let it out. Don't stop the tears, Do not walk away from your emotions, it helps you to get trough this process.' Tough, I just cried a little. Next the priest guided us to our seats in a little hallway and let us wait there for other Family members and relatives from Dad, everything went smoothly. The Church itself and the little hallways were nicely decorated with candles, white roses and a few memoriam cards from my Dad. There was a register where you could write regards. The Family and relatives were not in many amounts, but I was happy with the ones who were there. When it was time for the condolences I saw my Nieces and a few Aunts from my Mom's Family side, then I teared up again.
I wasn't sure if they would come, but they came. They wished me strength. Later on a Niece told me that they came just for me and my Dad. The church service was touching but aswell tough, The carriers brought Dad's coffin into the little church, and me and plus my Dad's two brothers and one sister followed. I cried a few times, and again, I did not mind the tears. Though it wasn't always easy to cry. The priest did everything well and so nice, there was choir music aswell. My Dad loved choir music, not that weird cause in his youth he was a choir member. The music made me tear up again, it is such a weird experience for me. Just to witness this all and seeing my own Dad laying there in his coffin isn't a pleasure. Difficult to describe the feeling. Weird was the feeling aswell that I was worried about Dad.
After the service the carriers came again and carried Dad's coffin out of the church towards the car, followed by me plus Dad's two Brothers and his one Sister. Dad had three Brothers and three Sisters. Again such a weird experience, 'They just can't leave Dad in his coffin, this is weird,' I thought. I knew it's a funeral and I knew this is all real and happening, Dad passed away and were gonna take him to his last resting place, that's it. Pain on my chest, weird stomach, and the crying went stuck. Dad's coffin was carried in the car and drove on front, followed by other cars from us. The sun came out and it was gorgeous weather, God might have ordered this weather for Dad. The trip from the little church to the graveyard lasted not even ten minutes.
Arrived at the graveyard the black car with Dad's coffin stopped and the carriers took Dad to his last resting place. Dad will be buried with my Mom, Dad's everything, this is all he ever wanted. This was what he always wished, it's a kind of a relief to know this. Though the missing him is there too. For me this was the toughest part of the funeral, here came that weird feeling again. 'Your gonna put my Dad here? You just can't leave him here, all on his own.'Many thoughts were going trough my mind, 'He doesn't even have a coat on, he might get cold,' so weird. This is what happens with funerals, I knew that, but still. I found it so sad for my Dad, I wished I could speak to him one more time, saying a goodbye, saying him that I will do fine, saying him that he will be my guiding angel. But no, I prayed to him and waited until the other Family members left too.
Again, it was good to be with other Family members, the support and caring, it was all what I needed. Leaving the graveyard and Dad was tough, walking away from him hurted but I figured I can always come back for a greeting, just like with my Mom. He isn't gone actually in my eyes, yes he passed away and I won't see him again, won't be able to visit him again, but he's in my heart. He will guide me and be with me where ever I go, it will be good, I'm sure. Leaving the graveyard we all went back to the little church, to have a last seeing each other, a chat, coffee or tea and a sandwich. Our Family is getting smaller and smaller, I saw my Nieces and Cousins, a few Aunts and Uncles. It was so nice to see my Nieces and Aunts from my Mom's side, I sat with them and we talked, I thanked them kindly for being with me at this moment.
When I sat with my Nephews, the kids from my Dad's brothers and Sister it was a bit different, we talked but has some jokes aswell. It did me good to see them, the laughs were doing me good, ofcource. All was good, all was okay. Though I felt tired, after the sand wiches and coffee I went one more time to my Aunt's house for a cuppa tea, and from there my Uncle brought me to the train station. I spent five hours in Nijverdal and I was exhausted, ofcource I did. The train had a delay, so I was a bit later in Almelo. I did a few groceries cause I needed food for dinner. I decided not to go the the 'free dinner,' today at 5:00, that would have been to much for me. Arrived at home I had a little nap, I felt like a bomb went of in my body. I needed rest. Tomorrow I will work again, I feel kinda nerves for that but, my fellow workers will take good care of me. I'm sure.
How do I look back to this day? It's been the toughest day of my life I can say, weird is that with my Mom's funeral I had slightly a different feeling as with my Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral was way tougher, I don't know why. I saw dad's passing away already coming 13 years ago, my Mom passed away 13 years ago. From that time I thought, "Dad's next." With that fear I walked 13 years, sometimes with ups and sometimes with downs. So, why did Dad's passing away made such a impact on me? Is it guilt? Is it that I loved him SO much? Or this or that, I don't know. Maybe a tiny bit of guilt, but oblivious is that I loved him very much, it shows, cause I feel so much pain now he's gone. For now, I will rest and I feel aswell that I will get trough this process, at the moment I just want rest.
I don't feel much for going out, visit a store what I like or something else, that surely will come again. I'm not worried about that, it will come again.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The days are going to slow...
The days are going to slow...
It's been five day's that my Dad passed away, the last two days are going so slow. There's still that pain on my chest, and it seems it's getting worse. Feeling little stabs, it feels my heart is in a knot. I'm kinda worried about it, I'm guessing it's the nerves before tomorrow's funeral. I don't even have to be nerves I think, everything is settled. Though I think it's normal aswell to have nerves, funerals are important, and probably it will help me to say goodbye to my Dad, and hello to my own life that has been set aside for the last five days. I really hope it.
Though I'm concerned, I feel I can't do this alone. Yes, I have a few friends where I can talk to, and there's work where I can release my thoughts and get distraction. But I could need some professional help aswell, right? So, today I went to social services and asked for a counselor. I figured, "Why not?" It can probably help me and make me feel better the following weeks or months, though.... The counseling didn't go trough. The lady who helped me told me that it's way to early to start with counseling, my Dad just passed away five days ago.
The lady told me that a mourning process could atleast last for two years, or maybe even longer. I agreed with her, I should not rush things. It's just that I like some help to get me started with this 'proces,' I feel I can't do it alone. The lady signed me in and told me that I will get a call within five weeks, "It's better, it's to early to start with counseling now," she told me. Okay, alright, I think that's fine, perfect perhaps. Ofcource it's to early to start counseling now, the lady told me aswell that it's better for now to NOT start with many things at the same time. I told her about a mind fullness-cursus where I wanted to start with and aswell a counselor.
So my plan is, I will take all the time I need for my mourning. I will see how I feel or how I'm doing within five weeks, then at the same time social services will call me, and will ask me if I still need help or not. Perfect! In the meanwhile I will take good care of myself and do what what I feel is best. If I really feel bad or my health goes backwards I can always contact my Doctor, yeah, I will get trough this. It's to early to worry about what comes the following weeks or months. I will just see. Tomorrow is Dad's funeral, that might be that I'm not feeling badder today, it's the nerves.
Found a few other tips:
Do's:
-Accept that loss and grief are a part of life.
-Try to stay as healthy as possible. Nobody feels or gets better if you neglect your health, not even yourself.
-Seek support from others at times when you need it.
-Take the grieving process as it comes.
Don'ts
-Don't let others tell you how to grieve.
-Don't close all the positive things in life.
-Don't sit and wait for the moment that the grieving process is over and wonder how long it will last. You wil notice when it's over.
It's been five day's that my Dad passed away, the last two days are going so slow. There's still that pain on my chest, and it seems it's getting worse. Feeling little stabs, it feels my heart is in a knot. I'm kinda worried about it, I'm guessing it's the nerves before tomorrow's funeral. I don't even have to be nerves I think, everything is settled. Though I think it's normal aswell to have nerves, funerals are important, and probably it will help me to say goodbye to my Dad, and hello to my own life that has been set aside for the last five days. I really hope it.
Though I'm concerned, I feel I can't do this alone. Yes, I have a few friends where I can talk to, and there's work where I can release my thoughts and get distraction. But I could need some professional help aswell, right? So, today I went to social services and asked for a counselor. I figured, "Why not?" It can probably help me and make me feel better the following weeks or months, though.... The counseling didn't go trough. The lady who helped me told me that it's way to early to start with counseling, my Dad just passed away five days ago.
The lady told me that a mourning process could atleast last for two years, or maybe even longer. I agreed with her, I should not rush things. It's just that I like some help to get me started with this 'proces,' I feel I can't do it alone. The lady signed me in and told me that I will get a call within five weeks, "It's better, it's to early to start with counseling now," she told me. Okay, alright, I think that's fine, perfect perhaps. Ofcource it's to early to start counseling now, the lady told me aswell that it's better for now to NOT start with many things at the same time. I told her about a mind fullness-cursus where I wanted to start with and aswell a counselor.
So my plan is, I will take all the time I need for my mourning. I will see how I feel or how I'm doing within five weeks, then at the same time social services will call me, and will ask me if I still need help or not. Perfect! In the meanwhile I will take good care of myself and do what what I feel is best. If I really feel bad or my health goes backwards I can always contact my Doctor, yeah, I will get trough this. It's to early to worry about what comes the following weeks or months. I will just see. Tomorrow is Dad's funeral, that might be that I'm not feeling badder today, it's the nerves.
Found a few other tips:
Do's:
-Accept that loss and grief are a part of life.
-Try to stay as healthy as possible. Nobody feels or gets better if you neglect your health, not even yourself.
-Seek support from others at times when you need it.
-Take the grieving process as it comes.
Don'ts
-Don't let others tell you how to grieve.
-Don't close all the positive things in life.
-Don't sit and wait for the moment that the grieving process is over and wonder how long it will last. You wil notice when it's over.
Monday, February 4, 2013
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want: Smile, open your eyes, love and go on!
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want: Smile, open your eyes, love and go on!
That's a great quote, I keep reading it so now and then. Yes. that's what he wanted, my Dad didn't want me to be sad, open your eyes, love and go on! That's what he wants, make him proud!! Show what you learned from him. I'm still in pain, though it seems the pain is slowly leaving my body, with ups and downs. I know it's still early, this can take weeks, months, maybe even years. Though I will do anything what can heal me, I will take my time though. I'm not gonna rush things, time is on my side. The days inside the house our dragging me, to much time to think. I'm sure I need this rest, but I feel aswell that going back to work on Thursday will do me good.
I called my Doctor aswell today, trying to get some medication to ease the grieving pain. I felt I needed it, specially in the morning when I get up there is that pain. I still can't describe the pain on my chest, little stabs and it's like my heart (or my chest) is surrounded by emotion. Willing to cry it all out but it can't, just like it's all stuck. Though I'm not that worried, just a bit. Like I said, it's still early, it's still fresh. My Doctor gave me oxazepam, (10mg) I heard of that medicine before but never used it. I googled it, and red the 'side effect,' that made me decide not to take those medicine.
-Oxazepam damps the emotions and is therefore useful in feelings of fear and other similar emotions that annoy's you. Damping emotions is also immediately a side effect. So it may be that you care less and can't empathize with others and are less friendly.-
-Drowsiness, fatigue and, less often drowsinesss, your reaction and concentration will reduced, giving you a great chance of accidents. Accidents can occur for example: in traffic, when climbing a ladder, control devices or monitoring and control activities. But you example also more likely to fall when you go to the toilet at night.-
Yeah, that's nothing for me, I figured 'this' might change my whole attitude, and makes me dizzy and super lazy the following days. While reading the side effects I think I had such kind of medicine before way back in time, those medicine gave me a weird feeling aswell. I rather stay focused the following days. I rather do it my own way then, the healthy way, I'm either not a fan of medication and pills. I will get trough this, there are many ways. It's already a positive thing I want to get trough this process, 'Smile, open my eyes, love and go on!'
I rested today, though I went outside aswell for a short bike ride.Trough the hard wind, wohoo, that was tough, but it felt good. It was the fist time I went on my bike since last Thursday. In the afternoon I rested took a shower, and around 5:30 pm I took of to the free dinner. I was nervous to go there, didn't know what to expect, though I went. I thought, "Maybe it does me good." The dinner was nice and the people were nice too, but I noticed something. I noticed that I'm stuck with my emotions, I wish the tears would come, but no.
I noticed this when a member from the free dinner asked me how I was doing, I told her about my Dad, it was a good talk but I felt like crying too. The feeling of crying surprised me, though it's good to know. I need help, and I will search for help. Perhaps Friday or earlier I will go to my Doctor and ask for a counselor, someone where I can tell my story, someone who can help me out in this process, guide me.
That's a great quote, I keep reading it so now and then. Yes. that's what he wanted, my Dad didn't want me to be sad, open your eyes, love and go on! That's what he wants, make him proud!! Show what you learned from him. I'm still in pain, though it seems the pain is slowly leaving my body, with ups and downs. I know it's still early, this can take weeks, months, maybe even years. Though I will do anything what can heal me, I will take my time though. I'm not gonna rush things, time is on my side. The days inside the house our dragging me, to much time to think. I'm sure I need this rest, but I feel aswell that going back to work on Thursday will do me good.
I called my Doctor aswell today, trying to get some medication to ease the grieving pain. I felt I needed it, specially in the morning when I get up there is that pain. I still can't describe the pain on my chest, little stabs and it's like my heart (or my chest) is surrounded by emotion. Willing to cry it all out but it can't, just like it's all stuck. Though I'm not that worried, just a bit. Like I said, it's still early, it's still fresh. My Doctor gave me oxazepam, (10mg) I heard of that medicine before but never used it. I googled it, and red the 'side effect,' that made me decide not to take those medicine.
-Oxazepam damps the emotions and is therefore useful in feelings of fear and other similar emotions that annoy's you. Damping emotions is also immediately a side effect. So it may be that you care less and can't empathize with others and are less friendly.-
-Drowsiness, fatigue and, less often drowsinesss, your reaction and concentration will reduced, giving you a great chance of accidents. Accidents can occur for example: in traffic, when climbing a ladder, control devices or monitoring and control activities. But you example also more likely to fall when you go to the toilet at night.-
Yeah, that's nothing for me, I figured 'this' might change my whole attitude, and makes me dizzy and super lazy the following days. While reading the side effects I think I had such kind of medicine before way back in time, those medicine gave me a weird feeling aswell. I rather stay focused the following days. I rather do it my own way then, the healthy way, I'm either not a fan of medication and pills. I will get trough this, there are many ways. It's already a positive thing I want to get trough this process, 'Smile, open my eyes, love and go on!'
I rested today, though I went outside aswell for a short bike ride.Trough the hard wind, wohoo, that was tough, but it felt good. It was the fist time I went on my bike since last Thursday. In the afternoon I rested took a shower, and around 5:30 pm I took of to the free dinner. I was nervous to go there, didn't know what to expect, though I went. I thought, "Maybe it does me good." The dinner was nice and the people were nice too, but I noticed something. I noticed that I'm stuck with my emotions, I wish the tears would come, but no.
I noticed this when a member from the free dinner asked me how I was doing, I told her about my Dad, it was a good talk but I felt like crying too. The feeling of crying surprised me, though it's good to know. I need help, and I will search for help. Perhaps Friday or earlier I will go to my Doctor and ask for a counselor, someone where I can tell my story, someone who can help me out in this process, guide me.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Resting this Sunday...
Resting this Sunday...
I did almost nothing today, feeling tired and I have pain. It's a weird pain full feeling, I can't describe it. Emotional feeling, heavy on my chest, not much interests me, less energy. I will see my Doctor tomorrow, for just in case, he will probably give me medication for the pain, or give me advice. I have those ups and downs, I feel better when I was around Dad's Family yesterday, weird right? I disliked this Family for a long time, but now it feels like I need them. Bringing up funny memories or just memories did me good, ofcource I can talk to other people about it or my 'friends,' but it won't be the same, they don't know my Dad like 'we' do. Sometimes I feel I like to cry but I can't, I hope I will with the funeral, it's good to cry, it reliefs. I wish I had a program or a schedule of what to do while mourning, at the moment I just don't know. Seeing my Doctor tomorrow is a good start.
Ofcource I Googled today for sites for mourning, most of them were good and interesting. But I knew aswell that not every person is the same, some mourn this way and some mourn that way. I found a few good tips, some I already knew and some were new for me...
Crying relieves and heals, try not to push tears away, but let them come. In that way you let your feelings out, and it gives little by little room for something new, something other than grief.
Grieving is hard work. It is emotional work where you become really tired. So make sure of yourself that you give your body and your mind enough rest. Sleep a lot, even during the day if you need it.
In the grieving process try for yourself to clarify what your relationship to the deceased, and look for a way to get him or her back in your life that has changed so much, give it a certain kinda place in your life or heart. This search is through talking, tell what you meant for the dead, what experiences you have shared in his life what he has accomplished.
There are countless moments and things what can cause grief, a song on the radio, advertising on TV, newspaper, something someone says or does, etc. Avoid that, or atleast try it. Don't go searching for grieving either, then you might get the chance of sticking in it. So seek distraction in an activity that does not require too much concentration (which is often difficult). Watching TV , sports, shopping.Pick up an old hobby again or go do something new. Possibilities enough. DO!
Care of yourself also means taking time for relaxation. Treat your body and your mind calm enough to relax by. Take a warm bath, or a nice long shower, go into a sauna or get even a massage. Also bring your grinding head to rest by (learning) meditate or try mindfulness.
Give yourself time, "Time heals all wounds" is a big cliché, but in the case of bereavement a big truth. With the passage of time and by expressing your emotions and slowly get used to all the new, the rough edges will be less, and then the enduring will be easier aswell. Try to think of that when things are difficult. Every day the wound will heal bit by bit.
I will take my time that it needs to mourn and be sad, it's still fresh. The mourning might take weeks, months or even years, I will take that time and not worry about it. Ofcource I'm still in pain, Wednesday is the funeral, that will be though too and after Wednesday? I will see then what happens, I should not be worried. I probably will always miss Mom and Dad, but I will give it a place one day, when? I don't know, whenever it's time.
I did almost nothing today, feeling tired and I have pain. It's a weird pain full feeling, I can't describe it. Emotional feeling, heavy on my chest, not much interests me, less energy. I will see my Doctor tomorrow, for just in case, he will probably give me medication for the pain, or give me advice. I have those ups and downs, I feel better when I was around Dad's Family yesterday, weird right? I disliked this Family for a long time, but now it feels like I need them. Bringing up funny memories or just memories did me good, ofcource I can talk to other people about it or my 'friends,' but it won't be the same, they don't know my Dad like 'we' do. Sometimes I feel I like to cry but I can't, I hope I will with the funeral, it's good to cry, it reliefs. I wish I had a program or a schedule of what to do while mourning, at the moment I just don't know. Seeing my Doctor tomorrow is a good start.
Ofcource I Googled today for sites for mourning, most of them were good and interesting. But I knew aswell that not every person is the same, some mourn this way and some mourn that way. I found a few good tips, some I already knew and some were new for me...
Crying relieves and heals, try not to push tears away, but let them come. In that way you let your feelings out, and it gives little by little room for something new, something other than grief.
Grieving is hard work. It is emotional work where you become really tired. So make sure of yourself that you give your body and your mind enough rest. Sleep a lot, even during the day if you need it.
In the grieving process try for yourself to clarify what your relationship to the deceased, and look for a way to get him or her back in your life that has changed so much, give it a certain kinda place in your life or heart. This search is through talking, tell what you meant for the dead, what experiences you have shared in his life what he has accomplished.
There are countless moments and things what can cause grief, a song on the radio, advertising on TV, newspaper, something someone says or does, etc. Avoid that, or atleast try it. Don't go searching for grieving either, then you might get the chance of sticking in it. So seek distraction in an activity that does not require too much concentration (which is often difficult). Watching TV , sports, shopping.Pick up an old hobby again or go do something new. Possibilities enough. DO!
Care of yourself also means taking time for relaxation. Treat your body and your mind calm enough to relax by. Take a warm bath, or a nice long shower, go into a sauna or get even a massage. Also bring your grinding head to rest by (learning) meditate or try mindfulness.
Give yourself time, "Time heals all wounds" is a big cliché, but in the case of bereavement a big truth. With the passage of time and by expressing your emotions and slowly get used to all the new, the rough edges will be less, and then the enduring will be easier aswell. Try to think of that when things are difficult. Every day the wound will heal bit by bit.
I will take my time that it needs to mourn and be sad, it's still fresh. The mourning might take weeks, months or even years, I will take that time and not worry about it. Ofcource I'm still in pain, Wednesday is the funeral, that will be though too and after Wednesday? I will see then what happens, I should not be worried. I probably will always miss Mom and Dad, but I will give it a place one day, when? I don't know, whenever it's time.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
All is going okay....
All is going okay....
I had a good sleep last night, I'm happy I don't have sleepless nights. Though I'm tired in the daytime, I try to rest alot during the day. That is not always possible with days like these, when I have a spare time during the day you will see me napping. Today I received a few phone calls, they were all from my Aunt. The funeral directors settle most of the things what has to do with the funeral, it's almost unbelievable what they all do, my Aunt and Uncle do the rest. Dad's assurance papers, the banking, etc, etc. I appreciate what my Aunt and Uncle do, I probably would have managed it but with alot of struggling. Settle and rearrange things when someone passed away isn't easy. Though I will have to be on my hood with my Aunt, she's still can surprise me with her behaviour sometimes, I will have to be care full with almost every word I say. I'm Keeping the peace for Dad's sake and mine. So far so good.
Today the flowers on Dad's coffin had been ordered, I will pay for my own flowers and the rest of my Dad's brothers and Sisters ordered and payed their own flowers. Those flowers aren't cheap, I tell you that. In the late afternoon I headed again to my Dad's village, to meet my Aunt and Uncle again.We had to discus with the priest how the funeral/church service will be, the priest is a woman.The 'church service will not be held in a church but in a .... , our family is small so we decided to do a small church service. We decided aswell to do a add in the local paper and no cards, just because of our small Family. Ofcource everyone is welcome. The priest wanted us to describe Dad, how he was in his youth, or as a husband, or as a parent. Ofcource my Aunt filled most of the describing in and I and my Uncle filled in the rest, I was fine with it, all went smooth. Until that 'Canada' part came, the priest asked me how Dad was as a father. After five minutes talking my Aunt said that Dad didn't like it when I went to Canada, that really hearted him according to my Aunt.
I tried to explain to the priest the whole story of Canada, but in the end I told her that that's no use, it even has nothing to do with Dad's passing away. I told her it's a to long story, you could easily fill two 'church services' with that. The priest totally understood it. Even though if I would have explain it two or three times, some family members still won't understand it or they are to stubborn to understand it. The priest told me that she will then skip the whole 'Canada' part, "I totally understand that you don't want that pointy guilty finger on you with the 'service', according what you told me about Canada," she said. "Excaccily," I said. The priest said it well and explained it well, that did me good. My Aunt and Uncle understood it too, really, sometimes some family members have to hear it more often what happened in Canada. But anyway, the conversation went on and all was good, sometimes still some disagreements, but oh well, one ear in and the other ear out. Most of it went smooth. After the priest left, the rest of us were still talking, bringing up memories of Dad...
That was interesting and fun too. It was quit a long afternoon, the last thing on our schedule was visiting Dad once again. We all headed to the place where Dad is laying until Wednesday's funeral, Dad layed in a decorated small room in a coffin. The room was cold but looked nice, next to the coffin was a little table with candles. Dad layed peace full in his coffin, it was like he was sleeping, he had a rosary in his hands too, just like Mom had. It's still scary to see him like that, and sad aswell. It hurts to see him like this, he doesn't deserve it. Since my Mom died in August 2000 Dad's been struggling and hearting with Mom's loss. I witnessed that, and that wasn't a pleasure. Looking back at that period I can truly say that he deserved much better. That's why it hurts to see him like this in his coffin. I looked at my Dad, but nor for long, after five minutes I have to go, otherwise many thoughts run trough my mind. I love my Dad, I always did!
I had a good sleep last night, I'm happy I don't have sleepless nights. Though I'm tired in the daytime, I try to rest alot during the day. That is not always possible with days like these, when I have a spare time during the day you will see me napping. Today I received a few phone calls, they were all from my Aunt. The funeral directors settle most of the things what has to do with the funeral, it's almost unbelievable what they all do, my Aunt and Uncle do the rest. Dad's assurance papers, the banking, etc, etc. I appreciate what my Aunt and Uncle do, I probably would have managed it but with alot of struggling. Settle and rearrange things when someone passed away isn't easy. Though I will have to be on my hood with my Aunt, she's still can surprise me with her behaviour sometimes, I will have to be care full with almost every word I say. I'm Keeping the peace for Dad's sake and mine. So far so good.
I tried to explain to the priest the whole story of Canada, but in the end I told her that that's no use, it even has nothing to do with Dad's passing away. I told her it's a to long story, you could easily fill two 'church services' with that. The priest totally understood it. Even though if I would have explain it two or three times, some family members still won't understand it or they are to stubborn to understand it. The priest told me that she will then skip the whole 'Canada' part, "I totally understand that you don't want that pointy guilty finger on you with the 'service', according what you told me about Canada," she said. "Excaccily," I said. The priest said it well and explained it well, that did me good. My Aunt and Uncle understood it too, really, sometimes some family members have to hear it more often what happened in Canada. But anyway, the conversation went on and all was good, sometimes still some disagreements, but oh well, one ear in and the other ear out. Most of it went smooth. After the priest left, the rest of us were still talking, bringing up memories of Dad...
That was interesting and fun too. It was quit a long afternoon, the last thing on our schedule was visiting Dad once again. We all headed to the place where Dad is laying until Wednesday's funeral, Dad layed in a decorated small room in a coffin. The room was cold but looked nice, next to the coffin was a little table with candles. Dad layed peace full in his coffin, it was like he was sleeping, he had a rosary in his hands too, just like Mom had. It's still scary to see him like that, and sad aswell. It hurts to see him like this, he doesn't deserve it. Since my Mom died in August 2000 Dad's been struggling and hearting with Mom's loss. I witnessed that, and that wasn't a pleasure. Looking back at that period I can truly say that he deserved much better. That's why it hurts to see him like this in his coffin. I looked at my Dad, but nor for long, after five minutes I have to go, otherwise many thoughts run trough my mind. I love my Dad, I always did!
Friday, February 1, 2013
R.I.P Dad...
R.I.P Dad...
Dad past away this morning around 5:00 am, the nursery home gave me a call around 8:30 am. Dad got sick last Sunday, he had a upper respiratory infection. A few days later the Doctor told us to be ready for his not recovering, and then this early Friday morning he past away. Last night he got morphine for the pain, he died in his sleep peacefully. After the morning phone call I rushed to the train to get to see Dad, on my way I got a phone call from my Aunt, they wanted to pick me up when I'm there. While walking to the train station I walked firm but felt pain aswell. I felt like I was floating, just like I walked but I don't know where too. I was nerves to what to expect, I felt scared aswell. Many thoughts were going trough my mind. I thought, "This is it!"
Fear for my emotions, fear of how Dad's Family would act, kind and thought full or plain and heartless, like they will give me a bit of a guilt feeling. I decided to let it ALL come over me. I was fearing this moment for such a long time, now is the time, this is it. I hope God gives me enough strength, cause I need it. Once on the train station at Dad's place I saw my Uncle and Aunt's car, they picked me up and we drove to Dad's place. Dad layed in bed in his new room, just as I expected. I was nerves to see him, but I walked into his room automatically followed by my Aunt and Uncle. The tears came, it was so sad to see him like this. So pale, and skinny in his face. He had his pyjama on under his blankets, I stayed with him for a short fifteen minutes.
That was all I could take, I felt dizzy and I needed to sit down. My Aunt and another Uncle stayed with him a bit longer. Dad's nurse and the nursery's Doctor were there too to support us. We all shook many hands this morning, all wishing us strength. I let it all come over me, I still can remember how it was with my Mother's dead 13 years ago, it was hectic and chaos. This time the chaos and hectic stayed out, the nurses at the nursery helped us out. Besides our Family is getting smaller, almost everyone has passed away. I might come over calm while writing this but I'm not, it hurts. I miss him! And yes, there are some guilty feelings aswell. Feelings of, should I have visited Dad more often, should I have helped out more? There were ups and downs.
I kept in mind that I'm almost pretty sure Dad's Family will keep reminding me of these feelings, I'm prepared, but also not. My Uncle called Dad's funeral director, (dad has a funeral assurance) they came pretty quick. Everything has to be settled right away now when Dad passed away, I remembered that too from Mom's death. They came with two persons, one person settled the funeral with us and the other person washed my Dad and putted him in decent clothes. Dad's Family letted me decide aswell what has or had to be done with the funeral, all went pretty well and smooth, though it all took long too. I had time enough. Dad's old room had been emptied aswell today, a truck came (as been ordered) and took the last furniture. Everything was so double this day...
Dad was washed up and done, one of the funeral director's took us to Dad's room to agree if it's good this way. Seeing him again made me tear up, he looked so pretty with his clothing on and sad at the same time, I feel so sorry for him, he doesn't deserve this. My Uncle told me, "He's happy now, this is all he wished for, for such a long time, being with Mom." He's right. Knowing that and keeping that thought, does gives me a good feeling aswell, though there's that sad feeling too. It's so double. Around 1:00 pm the first part of the funeral (upcoming Wednesday) was settled. Though were still not done completely. They picked up Dad around 2:00 pm in a funeral car and brought him to the place where he will be staying until the funeral, I forgot the name for such place.
Everyone went home and I did too, it rained pretty hard but I didn't mind. I liked the fresh air, though I was floating again. I bought some lunch, did a few groceries and went aswell to my old Doctor, to pick up a few papers. I forgot to write me out before I signed in with a new Doctor in my own city last year, I thought it was all settled but no. I will have to hand in the papers at my new Doctor and then it's all settled. On my way home I felt tired, dizzy and sleepy, once home I tried to nap but I couldn't sleep. I had to call my Boss from work aswell, I wanted to know how many days off I get when a Family member passes away. "Three days," my Boss told me, well, that's good.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and then Wednesday the funeral, Thursday I'm back to work. Sigh, I hope all goes well. How do I feel at the moment? I'm okay I guess, being on my own for now is good. It gives me time to mourn in my own time, calm and peace full. I'm a bit nerves aswell not really for the funeral but for Dad's Family. Like I said, I will let it all come over me. I know better! I guess I will be floating trough the upcoming days. Dad passed away and it hurts, it feels like it hurts more then when my Mom passed away, is it guilty feelings? I don't know. Though the pain feels the same, I can't really describe it, like you wanna burst out in tears but you can't. Dad's passing away went fast, I still remember I was so busy last week with packing Dad's stuff from his old room to his new room. And now he's gone...
Dad past away this morning around 5:00 am, the nursery home gave me a call around 8:30 am. Dad got sick last Sunday, he had a upper respiratory infection. A few days later the Doctor told us to be ready for his not recovering, and then this early Friday morning he past away. Last night he got morphine for the pain, he died in his sleep peacefully. After the morning phone call I rushed to the train to get to see Dad, on my way I got a phone call from my Aunt, they wanted to pick me up when I'm there. While walking to the train station I walked firm but felt pain aswell. I felt like I was floating, just like I walked but I don't know where too. I was nerves to what to expect, I felt scared aswell. Many thoughts were going trough my mind. I thought, "This is it!"
Fear for my emotions, fear of how Dad's Family would act, kind and thought full or plain and heartless, like they will give me a bit of a guilt feeling. I decided to let it ALL come over me. I was fearing this moment for such a long time, now is the time, this is it. I hope God gives me enough strength, cause I need it. Once on the train station at Dad's place I saw my Uncle and Aunt's car, they picked me up and we drove to Dad's place. Dad layed in bed in his new room, just as I expected. I was nerves to see him, but I walked into his room automatically followed by my Aunt and Uncle. The tears came, it was so sad to see him like this. So pale, and skinny in his face. He had his pyjama on under his blankets, I stayed with him for a short fifteen minutes.
That was all I could take, I felt dizzy and I needed to sit down. My Aunt and another Uncle stayed with him a bit longer. Dad's nurse and the nursery's Doctor were there too to support us. We all shook many hands this morning, all wishing us strength. I let it all come over me, I still can remember how it was with my Mother's dead 13 years ago, it was hectic and chaos. This time the chaos and hectic stayed out, the nurses at the nursery helped us out. Besides our Family is getting smaller, almost everyone has passed away. I might come over calm while writing this but I'm not, it hurts. I miss him! And yes, there are some guilty feelings aswell. Feelings of, should I have visited Dad more often, should I have helped out more? There were ups and downs.
I kept in mind that I'm almost pretty sure Dad's Family will keep reminding me of these feelings, I'm prepared, but also not. My Uncle called Dad's funeral director, (dad has a funeral assurance) they came pretty quick. Everything has to be settled right away now when Dad passed away, I remembered that too from Mom's death. They came with two persons, one person settled the funeral with us and the other person washed my Dad and putted him in decent clothes. Dad's Family letted me decide aswell what has or had to be done with the funeral, all went pretty well and smooth, though it all took long too. I had time enough. Dad's old room had been emptied aswell today, a truck came (as been ordered) and took the last furniture. Everything was so double this day...
Dad was washed up and done, one of the funeral director's took us to Dad's room to agree if it's good this way. Seeing him again made me tear up, he looked so pretty with his clothing on and sad at the same time, I feel so sorry for him, he doesn't deserve this. My Uncle told me, "He's happy now, this is all he wished for, for such a long time, being with Mom." He's right. Knowing that and keeping that thought, does gives me a good feeling aswell, though there's that sad feeling too. It's so double. Around 1:00 pm the first part of the funeral (upcoming Wednesday) was settled. Though were still not done completely. They picked up Dad around 2:00 pm in a funeral car and brought him to the place where he will be staying until the funeral, I forgot the name for such place.
Everyone went home and I did too, it rained pretty hard but I didn't mind. I liked the fresh air, though I was floating again. I bought some lunch, did a few groceries and went aswell to my old Doctor, to pick up a few papers. I forgot to write me out before I signed in with a new Doctor in my own city last year, I thought it was all settled but no. I will have to hand in the papers at my new Doctor and then it's all settled. On my way home I felt tired, dizzy and sleepy, once home I tried to nap but I couldn't sleep. I had to call my Boss from work aswell, I wanted to know how many days off I get when a Family member passes away. "Three days," my Boss told me, well, that's good.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and then Wednesday the funeral, Thursday I'm back to work. Sigh, I hope all goes well. How do I feel at the moment? I'm okay I guess, being on my own for now is good. It gives me time to mourn in my own time, calm and peace full. I'm a bit nerves aswell not really for the funeral but for Dad's Family. Like I said, I will let it all come over me. I know better! I guess I will be floating trough the upcoming days. Dad passed away and it hurts, it feels like it hurts more then when my Mom passed away, is it guilty feelings? I don't know. Though the pain feels the same, I can't really describe it, like you wanna burst out in tears but you can't. Dad's passing away went fast, I still remember I was so busy last week with packing Dad's stuff from his old room to his new room. And now he's gone...
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sleepy...
Sleepy...
I just woke up from a tiny nap, it's 9:18 pm and I decided to go early to bed tonight. I'm tired and feel sleepy, I felt a pressure on my chest today and wasn't feeling that good while working. I think it has been the nerves from Dad's sickness this week, no wait, I'm sure it was/is. Yeah, Dad is still sick, I will see him tomorrow perhaps. Perhaps cause I'm gonna visit on first hand Dad's new nurse. Just a meeting, a introduce meeting you can say. This meeting will be a bit later then usual in the afternoon, 3:15 pm I have to be there. I think I will have my dinner out of the house. Though not sure yet.
I hope the nerves will be less the following days, it's all in my hands. I have to, and I will. It's sure not healthy either, go out and do other things what distracts me might help. Relaxing and resting is a cure aswell. So yeah, early to bed tonight. Tomorrow morning I will get Ina for a visit, I told her that I probably have a few things for her. Dad's stuff what my Aunt brought me yesterday, might interests her. Ina has a low budget, so I thought of her first, she's a honest person, and a good friend.
I just woke up from a tiny nap, it's 9:18 pm and I decided to go early to bed tonight. I'm tired and feel sleepy, I felt a pressure on my chest today and wasn't feeling that good while working. I think it has been the nerves from Dad's sickness this week, no wait, I'm sure it was/is. Yeah, Dad is still sick, I will see him tomorrow perhaps. Perhaps cause I'm gonna visit on first hand Dad's new nurse. Just a meeting, a introduce meeting you can say. This meeting will be a bit later then usual in the afternoon, 3:15 pm I have to be there. I think I will have my dinner out of the house. Though not sure yet.
I hope the nerves will be less the following days, it's all in my hands. I have to, and I will. It's sure not healthy either, go out and do other things what distracts me might help. Relaxing and resting is a cure aswell. So yeah, early to bed tonight. Tomorrow morning I will get Ina for a visit, I told her that I probably have a few things for her. Dad's stuff what my Aunt brought me yesterday, might interests her. Ina has a low budget, so I thought of her first, she's a honest person, and a good friend.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Wednesday...
Wednesday...
A Wednesday well spend, yes. I had a good rest, the two naps were good and needed. In all, it was a nice day. The weather though is crazy lately, high temperatures with lots of rain in the morning and lots of wind. In the afternoon it went dryer. Today I had three visitors coming over, just like planned. First of my Aunt and Uncle came just before lunch, they planned the visit a bit earlier then planned, which was perfect. Aunt and Uncle brought some stuff from my Dad, stuff he doesn't need anymore or can't use anymore. It was quit alot, plates, glasses, cups, blankets and sheets and a few things more. It was quit a while since I saw my Aunt and Uncle, they look older. They were nice and informed me that Dad's health is going backwards, even Dad's Doctor wasn't positive about Dad's sickness.
My Aunt told me told me to prepair myself, cause it can be over soon. I already had that thought in my head when I heard last Monday that Dad is sick. I automatically prepaired myself then, I think everyone does when you hear such news. Though when my Aunt told me this morning about preparing it sounded that it can be over soon any moment, though you never know it with Dad. He seems weak but he's a strong man aswell. I must say that it gives a bit of a rest aswell, I mean when you can prepair yourself the whole proces might go easier, easier then a passing away comes all of a sudden. I hope you know what I mean. I have double feelings at the moment... Ofcource I will miss Dad if he passes away, there will always be that missing feeling.
Though when I see or saw Dad suffering sometimes with his health I think it's a relief for him aswell, he has suffered enough, Dad had a had a great life, it's okay for him IF he goes. With that thought in my mind it gives me a certain kinda relieved feeling aswell, yes' it's okay for him IF he goes. Though there's will be that 'missing' feeling aswell. That's why the double feelings, plus that whole process around it IF Dad passes away. What will happen with this? And what will happen with that? I will have to take care of this and that, the funeral, facing the Family again, etc, etc. I'm not that worried about it, but not looking forward to it either. I guess it will go as it goes, guess I will just float trough this whole process, IF it's time.
The second visitor was from 'buddy wanted,' the Boss herself came by for a conversation, just like we both had planned. I'm not that happy with this project how it's going recently, that's why I asked for this appointment. She was friendly and understood my point of vieuw,I'm not looking forward to his visits. I don't know, I just don't like my 'buddy' that much. He should help me with finding social contacts, he doesn't really come with ideas or tips, or helps me searching, specially the searching. His visits aren't that help full, or maybe that's his strategy, it might be the way he works. I really don't want to make the 'searching' a obsession, or a 'must!' I MUST find something or otherwise I get lonely or whatever.
That's not what I want, that's not the thought that will help me, I then might end up somewhere where I don't even want to be, just because I HAVE to find something. The conversation went well, we both decided that my 'buddy' will stop with the visits every Friday morning. And now? I came with two options, stop the whole project or a new 'buddy.' I decided to get a new 'buddy,' I figured that any help is welcome although I putted the searching on a lower level. I thought, 'when 'something' comes my way, I will grab it.' Good thought and a good decision, right? The Boss came aswell with something, I have the chance to do volunteer work for Humanitas. It involves visiting people... I will tell you lots more about it when it's time.
A Wednesday well spend, yes. I had a good rest, the two naps were good and needed. In all, it was a nice day. The weather though is crazy lately, high temperatures with lots of rain in the morning and lots of wind. In the afternoon it went dryer. Today I had three visitors coming over, just like planned. First of my Aunt and Uncle came just before lunch, they planned the visit a bit earlier then planned, which was perfect. Aunt and Uncle brought some stuff from my Dad, stuff he doesn't need anymore or can't use anymore. It was quit alot, plates, glasses, cups, blankets and sheets and a few things more. It was quit a while since I saw my Aunt and Uncle, they look older. They were nice and informed me that Dad's health is going backwards, even Dad's Doctor wasn't positive about Dad's sickness.
My Aunt told me told me to prepair myself, cause it can be over soon. I already had that thought in my head when I heard last Monday that Dad is sick. I automatically prepaired myself then, I think everyone does when you hear such news. Though when my Aunt told me this morning about preparing it sounded that it can be over soon any moment, though you never know it with Dad. He seems weak but he's a strong man aswell. I must say that it gives a bit of a rest aswell, I mean when you can prepair yourself the whole proces might go easier, easier then a passing away comes all of a sudden. I hope you know what I mean. I have double feelings at the moment... Ofcource I will miss Dad if he passes away, there will always be that missing feeling.
Though when I see or saw Dad suffering sometimes with his health I think it's a relief for him aswell, he has suffered enough, Dad had a had a great life, it's okay for him IF he goes. With that thought in my mind it gives me a certain kinda relieved feeling aswell, yes' it's okay for him IF he goes. Though there's will be that 'missing' feeling aswell. That's why the double feelings, plus that whole process around it IF Dad passes away. What will happen with this? And what will happen with that? I will have to take care of this and that, the funeral, facing the Family again, etc, etc. I'm not that worried about it, but not looking forward to it either. I guess it will go as it goes, guess I will just float trough this whole process, IF it's time.
The second visitor was from 'buddy wanted,' the Boss herself came by for a conversation, just like we both had planned. I'm not that happy with this project how it's going recently, that's why I asked for this appointment. She was friendly and understood my point of vieuw,I'm not looking forward to his visits. I don't know, I just don't like my 'buddy' that much. He should help me with finding social contacts, he doesn't really come with ideas or tips, or helps me searching, specially the searching. His visits aren't that help full, or maybe that's his strategy, it might be the way he works. I really don't want to make the 'searching' a obsession, or a 'must!' I MUST find something or otherwise I get lonely or whatever.
That's not what I want, that's not the thought that will help me, I then might end up somewhere where I don't even want to be, just because I HAVE to find something. The conversation went well, we both decided that my 'buddy' will stop with the visits every Friday morning. And now? I came with two options, stop the whole project or a new 'buddy.' I decided to get a new 'buddy,' I figured that any help is welcome although I putted the searching on a lower level. I thought, 'when 'something' comes my way, I will grab it.' Good thought and a good decision, right? The Boss came aswell with something, I have the chance to do volunteer work for Humanitas. It involves visiting people... I will tell you lots more about it when it's time.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
No news.....Good news?
No news.....Good news?
Haven't heard anything about my Dad since yesterday, I should inform actually but nervous to do that. I don't want to get worried about Dad's sickness, I know it's not right. No news, is good news my Mom always said, I will hear it from my Aunt tomorrow. My Aunt and Uncle will bring the stuff what Dad can't use anymore, they are mostly kitchen items and decorations, plus a few things more. Though I think about my Dad, thinking how he is feeling, or how is doing. Thinking about it makes me go quiet and worried. I wish I could stop worrying, it's like I worry about every little thing, even things what I don't even have to worry about. Worry less, they say, yeah well, it isn't that easy. To much worry is not healthy, I know.
Sometimes I feel it to that I worry to much, pressure on my chest, tiredness. All signs of to much worry. The last few months I have a pain on my chest, specially when I have to sneeze. When I have to sneeze a pain goes trough my chest, near my heart. Though my heart is in good health, I had tests last year, and my heart was perfect.
(One worry less,lol.) I'm not going to a Doctor with 'that' pain, I been there before, twice already, they couldn't find anything. Blood pressure is also good, must be the nerves. It's oblivious that I worry to much. Well, not all the time. But, anyway, gonna keep it it in mind, "Worry less!"
This working day went well, though there's not much to do. It's rare for me that this is happening. I can't remember that this 'not much work' was also kast year. We really could use some more orders, perhaps new customers too. At our section are working six people, an that's alot when there's not much work. I should take a day off sometimes, if I would do that it would be my first day off, lol. I never ever have taken a day off, and I have 'free' days enough. Maybe it's the fact that I already have free days during the week that I work. I work on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, the other days are free days.
Haven't heard anything about my Dad since yesterday, I should inform actually but nervous to do that. I don't want to get worried about Dad's sickness, I know it's not right. No news, is good news my Mom always said, I will hear it from my Aunt tomorrow. My Aunt and Uncle will bring the stuff what Dad can't use anymore, they are mostly kitchen items and decorations, plus a few things more. Though I think about my Dad, thinking how he is feeling, or how is doing. Thinking about it makes me go quiet and worried. I wish I could stop worrying, it's like I worry about every little thing, even things what I don't even have to worry about. Worry less, they say, yeah well, it isn't that easy. To much worry is not healthy, I know.
Sometimes I feel it to that I worry to much, pressure on my chest, tiredness. All signs of to much worry. The last few months I have a pain on my chest, specially when I have to sneeze. When I have to sneeze a pain goes trough my chest, near my heart. Though my heart is in good health, I had tests last year, and my heart was perfect.
(One worry less,lol.) I'm not going to a Doctor with 'that' pain, I been there before, twice already, they couldn't find anything. Blood pressure is also good, must be the nerves. It's oblivious that I worry to much. Well, not all the time. But, anyway, gonna keep it it in mind, "Worry less!"
This working day went well, though there's not much to do. It's rare for me that this is happening. I can't remember that this 'not much work' was also kast year. We really could use some more orders, perhaps new customers too. At our section are working six people, an that's alot when there's not much work. I should take a day off sometimes, if I would do that it would be my first day off, lol. I never ever have taken a day off, and I have 'free' days enough. Maybe it's the fact that I already have free days during the week that I work. I work on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, the other days are free days.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Dad is sick......
Dad is sick......
Just had a phone call from my Aunt, she told me about the plans she had for the last part of the 'moving, aswell she told me that Dad is sick. Usually Dad is sitting in his lazy chair, but now he lays in bed.Even Dad's nurse messaged me today, to inform me about Dad's being sick. My first reaction was. 'Oh, okay, he's been sick before.' Later on I got worried, I don't know but, I just got that weird feeling. Worried that... I don't know, I just don't wanna say it.... But that 'feeling' I have is strong, call it a sign. I hope Dad will be feeling better soon, the nurse told me that Dad has a 'Upper respiratory tract infection,' he's getting antibiotic and other medicines, the Doctor is visiting him daily.
He is in good hands, that's for sure. The nurses there are watching him daily, (as always) 24 hours a day. That gives a calming feeling. The moving is going well, my Aunt informed me that the second hand store doesn't take Dad's little stuff, such as kitchen stuff, and other house items, blankets, clothing, glasses, mugs, you name it. My Aunt will bring all that little stuff here at my house, I can probably use it, otherwise, I know a few people who will be very happy with it. I can even sell it. The rest of the 'big' furniture goes to the second hand shop upcoming Saturday. Upcoming Friday late in the afternoon I will have a meeting with Dad's new nurse. Looking forward to that.
Just had a phone call from my Aunt, she told me about the plans she had for the last part of the 'moving, aswell she told me that Dad is sick. Usually Dad is sitting in his lazy chair, but now he lays in bed.Even Dad's nurse messaged me today, to inform me about Dad's being sick. My first reaction was. 'Oh, okay, he's been sick before.' Later on I got worried, I don't know but, I just got that weird feeling. Worried that... I don't know, I just don't wanna say it.... But that 'feeling' I have is strong, call it a sign. I hope Dad will be feeling better soon, the nurse told me that Dad has a 'Upper respiratory tract infection,' he's getting antibiotic and other medicines, the Doctor is visiting him daily.
He is in good hands, that's for sure. The nurses there are watching him daily, (as always) 24 hours a day. That gives a calming feeling. The moving is going well, my Aunt informed me that the second hand store doesn't take Dad's little stuff, such as kitchen stuff, and other house items, blankets, clothing, glasses, mugs, you name it. My Aunt will bring all that little stuff here at my house, I can probably use it, otherwise, I know a few people who will be very happy with it. I can even sell it. The rest of the 'big' furniture goes to the second hand shop upcoming Saturday. Upcoming Friday late in the afternoon I will have a meeting with Dad's new nurse. Looking forward to that.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Goodbye snow...
Goodbye snow...
It rained the whole day this Sunday, the snow melted like crazy. Poor me, I kinda liked the snow, I rather have snow then rain. Though more rain is on his way this coming week, plus higher temperatures. I really wish the snow could stay longer, but no. I loved this Sunday, I rested and calmed down. It was quit a week, Dad's moving and the booking of the trip to Atlanta. Yesterday was to busy, I felt my muscles in my arms and legs this morning.
Though Dad's moving is still not done, this week is the last week. At Saturday the room has to be empty, I will probably get a call from my Aunt this week. It will be alright, I'm prepaired. I did already most of the things yesterday. I could do it on my own if I had to. Oh yeah, soon it's my birthday. 45 years this coming Friday, old man, lol! Maybe I will hold my birthday, I'm not sure yet, I will see.
It rained the whole day this Sunday, the snow melted like crazy. Poor me, I kinda liked the snow, I rather have snow then rain. Though more rain is on his way this coming week, plus higher temperatures. I really wish the snow could stay longer, but no. I loved this Sunday, I rested and calmed down. It was quit a week, Dad's moving and the booking of the trip to Atlanta. Yesterday was to busy, I felt my muscles in my arms and legs this morning.
Though Dad's moving is still not done, this week is the last week. At Saturday the room has to be empty, I will probably get a call from my Aunt this week. It will be alright, I'm prepaired. I did already most of the things yesterday. I could do it on my own if I had to. Oh yeah, soon it's my birthday. 45 years this coming Friday, old man, lol! Maybe I will hold my birthday, I'm not sure yet, I will see.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Dad's moving.
Dad's moving.
Dad's moving is going well, Dad has been moved from room 201 to room 114 last week. It is a smaller room, much smaller but cozy aswell. When I went to the place where he lives I had to find him first, I couldn't find room nr. 114. Dad went from the second floor to the first floor, the first floor is like a maze. A few nurses helped me out and guided me into his room, he was sitting in his chair where he always sits. My Aunt was telling me last week that his room is VERY small, and that Dad isn't happy with it at all. Well, okay his room is small, but it's really not THAT small, he has his TV, his chair and his bed. Further he has a perfect outside view, and has everything he needs. I think a room like this invites him aswell to go out of his room, out of his room he can go to another room where every resident comes together for a chat or something to eat, or what ever. He can go to visit other residents aswell in their rooms.
As always Dad was happy to see me, he told me everything about his new room. He looked happy, so all was good. I had a look in Dad's old room aswell, thinking it was already mostly empty according to what my my Aunt, said. Oh yeah, they were so busy with it the last week it seemed. But no, his old room was still full of furniture and other decorations and items, all the closets were still full. I thought, "What on earth have they all done then, when they were so busy?" Alot had to be done, so, I figured why don't I start now? I had a few big bags with me and a few little plastic bags. I started with sorting everything out, what is garbage, what can stay at my Dad's new room, and what can go to a second hand store. Ocfource I packed a big bag full with items what I can use, before other Family members come and grab things. Oh the amount of stuff my Dad had, I surely didn't expect that much. I was out of plastic bags, but got it all done anyway.
I sorted everything out, garbage, second hand stuff, my stuff, and Dad's stuff. I walked alot from left to right to go from my Dad's old room to his new room, and that damn door, ugh, every time I had to push a code to open that door. Lots of work but Dad's new room looks much cozier now. A nurse told me to keep space aswell in Dad's new room, his walking is so bad that he sometimes need a wheelchair, and sometimes nurses have to use a lift to get him to bed, yeah, he's really getting old. Kinda sad to see him like that, I really love him! I got much stuff done, I grabbed my bag, thanked Dad and took off. The bag was so heavy, and it snowed alot aswell. I was dead exhausted walking with that big bag, the bag was full with Dad's old groceries what I still could use, and fully with drinking glasses and mugs, plus a few other nice things. One more week then Dad's room has to be completely empty, I think it's easy to do, even if I had to do it.
There's a second hand store in Dad's village, they can pick up the furniture and other items for free. Just one call, make a appointment and done. Aunt's idea was to pick up the lighter things and bring them right away to the second hand store by themselves (okay), then the heavier furniture to my Nephew, my Aunt's Son (okay). That's fine with me, I didn't wanna start a argue, so all is fine. If the furniture stays at my cousin's, also fine! Aunt almost started a argue again after I told her what I had done today, sigh. I stood up for myself and told on her! Then she crawled back, yay me! You never know it with my Aunt, she can be sweet as candy, but then all of sudden, ouch! Let's see what happens this week, I offered to help out on Wednesday and on Friday, one call and I will be there.
Dad's moving is going well, Dad has been moved from room 201 to room 114 last week. It is a smaller room, much smaller but cozy aswell. When I went to the place where he lives I had to find him first, I couldn't find room nr. 114. Dad went from the second floor to the first floor, the first floor is like a maze. A few nurses helped me out and guided me into his room, he was sitting in his chair where he always sits. My Aunt was telling me last week that his room is VERY small, and that Dad isn't happy with it at all. Well, okay his room is small, but it's really not THAT small, he has his TV, his chair and his bed. Further he has a perfect outside view, and has everything he needs. I think a room like this invites him aswell to go out of his room, out of his room he can go to another room where every resident comes together for a chat or something to eat, or what ever. He can go to visit other residents aswell in their rooms.
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| Still snowy and icy, but not for long.... |
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| This coming week we get rain, lot's of rain, I will miss the snow. |
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| Coffee to wake me up, the train will be there in about ten minutes. On my way to Dad. |
Friday, January 25, 2013
Though months ahead... Or?
Though months ahead... Or?
I would like to write a journal over the months towards my trip to the US, I will be leaving on the 22th Of July at 5:00 pm, I think a journal until then would be nice. Cause it sure is a happening for me, I can tell you that. I will be flying in a plane again, it's been almost two years since I flew, it's about time. Though it doesn't feel like it's the first time, but yeah, I will have to make a little program of what to do when I arrive at the airport. One thing for sure is that I have to be on time, being on time is my nature, so that's not a problem. My motto is, "better to early then to late!" I'm nervous, nervous over the months towards this trip, perhaps I don't even have to be nervous. I like when everything is settled a 100%, the sooner the better. It gives me rest.
I'm going to meet Jan, she lives near Atlanta. I wish our communication was just a bit better, but communicate trough a computer isn't always easy. I know I can depend on her and I know I can chat with her anytime, but I also don't want to bombard her with talks and questions. Trough a computer you can't really see what the other person is doing, you have to depend on writings on Facebook, or messengers. Sure you can ask things trough a computer aswell, but I rather talk eye to eye. Though that is not possible when the person lives overseas, I hope my conversations and explanations with Jan are clear and good. Good as in that I understand what she's telling me, and that she understands me what I'm telling her. It'll be alright.
Today I updated my travel insurance, I can travel now overseas. What I couldn't last year, though the update will last only 45 days and begins on the day I leave, (22th July) I guessed that I won't travel overseas every year, so a short update is perfect. All the groceries are done for this week, and tomorrow I will be a bit busy with Dad's moving. It's the last part I guess, my Aunt called me last night to give me a update. She was friendly and did already alot of things, I guess I will just leave it like it is now. Just being friendly towards each other and probably forget what has happened last year. Though I keep in mind that my Aunt being friendly never lasts, so I'm on my hood.
Tonight I will be going out to a fellow worker, woot? Other fellow workers will come too, we're having a poker night. Although I don't understand poker I was invited anyway, it will be good for me. I need some distraction,this journey to the US is making me nervous,(I don't have to be I know, but I am. Hopefully these following months I will ease down and be more relaxed. You know I think waaaaaaay to much, I think, lol. The flight is settled, my staying is settled, (uhm, I think, STOP! Thinking!!) But what if....... and what if..... Well, "Most of the things you worry about, never happens!" So.....
I would like to write a journal over the months towards my trip to the US, I will be leaving on the 22th Of July at 5:00 pm, I think a journal until then would be nice. Cause it sure is a happening for me, I can tell you that. I will be flying in a plane again, it's been almost two years since I flew, it's about time. Though it doesn't feel like it's the first time, but yeah, I will have to make a little program of what to do when I arrive at the airport. One thing for sure is that I have to be on time, being on time is my nature, so that's not a problem. My motto is, "better to early then to late!" I'm nervous, nervous over the months towards this trip, perhaps I don't even have to be nervous. I like when everything is settled a 100%, the sooner the better. It gives me rest.
I'm going to meet Jan, she lives near Atlanta. I wish our communication was just a bit better, but communicate trough a computer isn't always easy. I know I can depend on her and I know I can chat with her anytime, but I also don't want to bombard her with talks and questions. Trough a computer you can't really see what the other person is doing, you have to depend on writings on Facebook, or messengers. Sure you can ask things trough a computer aswell, but I rather talk eye to eye. Though that is not possible when the person lives overseas, I hope my conversations and explanations with Jan are clear and good. Good as in that I understand what she's telling me, and that she understands me what I'm telling her. It'll be alright.
Today I updated my travel insurance, I can travel now overseas. What I couldn't last year, though the update will last only 45 days and begins on the day I leave, (22th July) I guessed that I won't travel overseas every year, so a short update is perfect. All the groceries are done for this week, and tomorrow I will be a bit busy with Dad's moving. It's the last part I guess, my Aunt called me last night to give me a update. She was friendly and did already alot of things, I guess I will just leave it like it is now. Just being friendly towards each other and probably forget what has happened last year. Though I keep in mind that my Aunt being friendly never lasts, so I'm on my hood.
Tonight I will be going out to a fellow worker, woot? Other fellow workers will come too, we're having a poker night. Although I don't understand poker I was invited anyway, it will be good for me. I need some distraction,this journey to the US is making me nervous,(I don't have to be I know, but I am. Hopefully these following months I will ease down and be more relaxed. You know I think waaaaaaay to much, I think, lol. The flight is settled, my staying is settled, (uhm, I think, STOP! Thinking!!) But what if....... and what if..... Well, "Most of the things you worry about, never happens!" So.....