This day was okay....

This day was okay....

The two youngest kids are going to there Father's in Hamilton. He will pick them up around 10:00 am. I made some things ready for them, the clothing were packed and the snowsuits and boots were ready to wear. I promised I wake up Saf around 9:30 am (She had a nightshift and was sleeping) Everything was ready, but the kids Father  could call and then it's better for Saf to answer the phone. The Father arrived on time and drove off with the two kids. Saf had planned to go out today with Cle (the 18 year old) and the rest of the girls in the house, only Mar, (the 13 year old) stayed at home. Yesterday I promised her to go out Christmas shopping with me on Sunday. But I thought "Why not now? I could use some time out".

So, I asked Mar to go today instead of Sunday. "Sure" she answered! and off we went! We took the bus, and while we were in the bus my mood wasn't feeling so good, it felt just like yesterday in the car with Saf, crying moods and lots of thinking. The bus drive was long and the thoughts were running trough my head, bad and sad thoughts, nothing positive. But the bus drive was good for me. Finally we arrived at Georgian mall, there was alot of snow. We began our shopping, but first to the bank, (BMO), I hope there was some money to take out for me...... And there was, pffeeww!


It was good to go shopping, it kept my mind of things, and it felt good to buy things for the family. I had a list with all the names who I'm gonna buy gifts for. Just before we headed back I bought dinner for Mar and myself and then we headed home. As closer the bus came to our house, the heavier my sad mood felt again. Little crying moments followed. When we arrived Saf was not home, I felt a little bit of disappointment, I don't know why. The other girls were home and I asked them where Saf was. She was with Tam (the other Mother) to Goodwill. Later on when they were back Tam told me,that they needed a little break from all the teenagers who were with us when we were all out, "We wanted a 'mothers' out." It reminded me of the time I asked Saf out sometimes, just a 'you and me' moment. She mostly refused.I should  stop thinking these thoughts!

Me and Mar were hiding our Christmas presents and after we were done I did some cleaning. A little later Saf came home and I was upstairs, later on I went downstairs, I felt okay, I had some conversations on  Facebook chat and that felt good. I saw a huge dirty dish on the kitchen counter and I thought "Okay, maybe later". And so later I did the dishes and some cleaning up, Saf was sleeping cause of her nightshift later on tonight.

After the dishes I went upstairs to have a little lay down on the bed. Saf woke up and I called her in her bedroom, I wanted to pay her the money I still ow her. We talked shortly but it felt different, it felt like a friends talk. I thought it's not a good idea to talk about our 'relation' or our 'break up' when we are together. I mean not now, I rather go upstairs then or have a lay down just to calm down or think,  just by myself.

Saf went to work and I felt good, damn mood swings! The next moment your laying on bed feeling dead and lonely and the next moment you feel good! And then you think to yourself "I wish I could always feel like this, this feels good and easy, positive thinking. Maybe it was because Saf was of to work and I didn't feel the pressure of us  being together in this situation. Maybe it wasn't that a good idea to stay here. But yeah, where could I stay or go then? Being here is hard but in a way it does me good aswell, saying goodbye bit by bit and get slowly used to the idea of leaving.