Sunday...

Sunday...

Most of us were sleeping out, only Tam and her three year old daughter were up. Kids always wake up first (after me! LOL!) I  decide to get up aswell, I felt lonely and empty inside. Saf was still  sleeping. After my breakfast I went upstairs cause I didn't felt good, I felt a heavy pressure on my chest, crying moments, and suicide thoughts were getting stronger. (I recently sometimes have such moments) Thinking about it is not healthy I know, I got to stop thinking! It would be easy though after it, like a relief. Nothing to worry about anymore! I feel and think the Family is against me, is this the right feeling!?It seems the only thing I do is negative thinking the last few days.

I asked my Dad for some money cause of my BMO/ING problems, I did that a few times when I was really short, and it's never easy to ask a parent for money. The last time was horrible to ask, I rather never ask, but I just needed the money. December is a expensive month and last November I gave a big present to one of the daughters, cause it was her Birthday. November wasn't easy to get money out of BMO, it gave only a few 100 Dollar! I knew December was coming and it wouldn't be easy with a small amount of money. I needed money from Dad! My Dad is 70 and is not able to do his banking anymore, my Uncle offered to do that for him. My Dad accepted that, and now I had to ask if my Uncle could ask my Dad if he could send some money.

My Dad got mad this morning when I asked him for money, and I still don't know why! My Aunt was telling me in a mail, "You weren't so nice to him in a few  mails." I didn't understand it, cause I was nice as always to him in my mails. My Dad was telling me "If you really need the money then come and get it." Finally late in the evening the mail  came where I was waiting for so long. She told me, "Your Dad sent the money and I will hear from you when you come back, Dad will be very happy when you come back"! I got mad cause it was the fourth day after my break up and I didn't feel well! How could my Dad say that he will be happy to see me again? I thanked my Dad for the money in the mail back, and I replied aswell with telling my Aunt, "I will fight for Saf and I won't come back before I actually fought for her, he should feel sorry for what I'm going trough and returning to Holland is very hard on me now." I was so fragile at that point!

How could he say that he will be happy to see me again? My Aunt answered back telling me, "If this is your decision then our decision is that your not welcome in our house"! "We are sick and tired of your lies." (But, I NEVER  lied!!) I didn't answered back but e-mailed a few friends, telling them what happened and maybe they have a solution or a place for me to stay. One friend mailed back and told me, "You knew that this would happen!" (No, I never did) "Your Aunt called us" and she told me that you lied" (WOT!)  "You can't stay here, cause we have our own problems"!! "That's what friends are for", I thought! My Aunt is feeling upset about what I said to her, and now she called my friends to tell them "Don't let Sjon in your house". 

It makes me sad but I know aswell that, that's my Aunt! I told Saf the story aswell and she didn't understand my Aunt either. Sometimes no one does! It was a hard day, I felt down (and not only because of my Dad and Aunt) I thought I have to go out and do something! Perhaps some shopping.... again. I took the bus, after I shoveled the driveway. When I was waiting for the bus (the bus-stop is near our house) Cle (the 18 year old) came outside, and I knew that Saf would come  too! They were planning to go to Hamilton to pick up the kids from there Father's I heard later. Saf came outside, standing at the bus stop and seeing Saf 10 meters from me felt awkward and I wanted to cry! I felt like a stranger towards her, just a guy.. standing there...waiting for the bus. Just someone, someone who doesn't know Saf and her daughter.

It felt like such a huge distance! I didn't feel like going out anymore, the bus took forever aswell. I  walked towards Cle and Saf and Saf said when I passed her, "Yeah, you gotta love the Sunday busses." I answered silently "Yeah, I'm going inside,"She was quiet. I was not really in the mood to go out, later on I took the next bus! Silly me! It felt okay to go out, but on my own felt different then yesterday with Mar. I went to Goodwill but didn't stay long, it brought to many memories. I did my shopping and bought some nice last Christmas gifts. I bought also dinner for my self and headed back home. When I arrived Saf wasn't back yet, sigh! It's more then a two hours drive to Hamilton, so they would take a while. I brought my shopping stuff upstairs, went on the computer for a while and went  down stairs again. 

I did some dishes and got some stuff ready for the two youngest ones when they come back. (Pyjama's to sleep in, and clothes and food for tomorrow's school) I washed some of Saf's working clothes cause it was already late (She works at 10 and it was already  8) Why on earth do I do all this stuff?  One moment you think of killing yourself cause you feel down and then you do these things to help out!  Saf came back and it was late, the kids were very tired. They went right away upstairs and I tried to help out with putting them to sleep. Ab (the three year old) was easy, I putted him in pyjama's and he slept right away. The seven year old did not sleep until after one, she cried and was a bit grumpy. I took her for the night, otherwise she wouldn't sleep.  Saf was at work. Everything was fine later on.