A little cold...

A little cold... 

A sore troath isn't fun, though I stood up with it this morning. As the day went on the sore troath went a bit less. I was a fresh day aswell, a few doors were open too at work. After the weekend we get higher temperatures and more sunshine, they forspelled 8 or more degrees, above zero ofcource. Work was fun, but aswell exhausting. It's still not that busy at work, though we should not complain. I have seen factories who have it worse then us. We still have something to do, but please let more orders come.  

This weekend I won't go out that much, I'm planning to some house holdings, washing some windows is on the schedule. Many windows in my house, I won't do them all at once. Tomorrow and Saturday the first half of the house, next week the other half. And ofcource cooking is on my schedule, I'm still searching for some nice recipes. It's fun to search them, then buy the ingredients, and then the cooking. Ofcource hoping for a good and tasty result.

Finally!

Finally! 

I'm officially a volunteer now, I will be visiting people with little social contacts, people who would like to do something, but are not able to do such. That can be anything, a bicycle ride, a walk, having a coffee or just a chat, just anything. Usually these people are elderly people, but not all of them. Social contacts are very important and can enrich your life. I might be starting in a few weeks, I signed up for the weekends. Little bit nerves here cause it's something I never did, but that will change!

I had a visitor today, the visit was planned, the visitor was someone from Humanitas who runs the above 'project.' The lady wanted to know more about me, what my hobbies are, and what kinda work I do, I had to tell aswell why I was interested in this project. She asked me several questions, just to get to know what kinda person I am. It's handy to know when I get picked out of the several other visitor volunteers, to visit a elderly or a certain person. Yeah, this project has a group of volunteer visitors and there's one leading lady.

She's gonna pick out wich volunteer is going to visit a certain person. The visit this afternoon was good, she's a nice lady. This volunteer work is something I never did, so I guess it will feel a bit awkward the first two times. It's nice though to help other people out, who need socializing, and who want to get out more. Hmm, where did I hear that before, right? I know someone who wants to get out more and needs some more socializing, me! LOL! And here I am, helping those people out filling their needs. 

It will be good for me aswell just as good as  for the people who I'm going to visit, with the first visit the leading lady will come too, 'to break the ice,' as she told me.  I will follow a cursus aswell first in this project, together with the other visitor volunteer we will learn in a few lessons how to get along with people. Yeah, I will be visiting a stranger, someone who I never visited before. Just a bit of a awkward feeling. Though I'm looking forward to it, I think I will start within two weeks or so. I'm ready. 

Further this WWednesday was okay, I rested well. I brought again a few bags full of Dad's belongings to the second hand store, I think one or two more bags and then I'm done. I visited a friend aswell today cause she had a operation, Janine. I bought her a nice plant, she liked it. It was a fun and interesting day. I have no plans for the weekend yet, oh, wait, yes I have actually, 1) some major cooking and 2) making a start with washing windows.  

Hyperventilation?

Hyperventilation? 

Yeah, I could have that, it would make sense aswell. Sometimes a little pressure on my chest, sometimes a stabbing pain in my chest. Though, I'm not short breathed, but I sigh alot, specially after a effort. I have to take a deep breath then, and then I'm good. Ofcource I have to count my sick thyroid on that aswell, my sick thyroid does give less energy too. I'm fine with that, I have that symptom from lack of energy that long that I'm really used to it. I know what I can do and how much, I know what I'm able of. I know when I need rest and when I can give a 100%. But the 'maybe' hyperventilation is new to me, I would like to know a bit more about it. Though it doesn't bother me or stop me from doing things, hyperventilation comes from nerves and worries aswell, so yeah.

Dad's passing away gave a deep impact too, I'm not forgetting that. I will search and investigate a bit about hyperventilation on the net, just that I'm curious. Maybe some breathing exercises can help me aswell, who knows. Though I'm not in a terrible pain, I'm don't have the feeling that I'm gonna faint or worse die. I can do the things I want to do, like I usually do. I'm not worried. Work was fun today, I was on my own section, lol. Though I'm looking forward to tomorrow aswell, rest. I need it after two days of work. I really couldn't work a full week, I don't have to either. It's all I can do, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Oh, I think Spring is around the corner, cause I hear birds singing in the morning, Won't be long now!

Monday, Monday!

Monday, Monday! 

Almost all the snow what felt yesterday, (and that was alot) was gone this morning. The rain came in the afternoon and the rest of the snow disappeared. I must say, I rather had snow then the rain. The rain pored down when I got back from work. I didn't feel much for going to the free dinner tonight, so, I didn't went. I was tired and didn't feel much for going trough the rain again. It felt a bit awkward not to go, usually I always go to the free dinner on Monday. Though I surely didn't miss the rush before going to the dinner. Wash, put other clothes on, laying things ready for tomorrow's work and preparing lunch for tomorrow's work.

Rushing, hasting and running, lol. The free dinner starts at 6:00 and ends at 7:00, I will be home at 7:30 then. I enjoyed the rest this evening, I went early to bed though, cause AI felt sleepy and tired. Today's work went fine, again I worked on another section, same section as last week. A bit boring, but hey, it's work aswell. In the late afternoon a machine broke down, and they sent my back to my own section, my favorite section, lol. It was all good! Let's see what tomorrow's work brings.

Surprised at the amount of snow...

Surprised at the amount of snow... 

I woke up this morning after a good sleep, peeked trough the sunscreen and saw nothing but white. Wow, it really snowed again, I thought it wouldn't be much but it was quit alot. It actually continued snowing the whole day. I think it's been quit a while since we had so much snow, last year we had alot too, but that was just a week or two. As you know I rest on Sundays, so this day was not much different. I ironed, showered, and made dinner. I usually take my time when I cook on Sundays, there's plenty of time anyway. I usually buy packages, these packages includes mostly a little bag of rice, a mix for the sauce (some kind of herb powder) and a mix for marinating for the meat. On the front of the package it says what you have to add more, that can be any kind of veggies, olive or sunflower oil and the  kinda meat you need. There are several kinda packages, I already used every kinda package. 

One of the packages I used, one of my favorites this one.

It learned me more about cooking, I think next week I will take a step higher with my cooking skills. I'm done with these packages. I also pick sometimes recipes from magazines or from online cooking sites. Though I pick the easy ones, plus the ones I don't have to use a oven for, lol. Cause I don't have oven. I love cooking, I'm already excited what to cook next weekend, lol. Cooking can be expensive aswell, so I look for budget cooking. The more ingredients the more it will cost, so lessen the ingredients. Tomorrow's Monday, a working week is coming up again. I feel better, better then last week with the 'all of a sudden' nerves and worries. What happened? I don't know,like I said a few days ago, sometimes I worry and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I can worry about a something and then all of a sudden the worries disappear. It's magic! I'm such a awkward person............... sometimes, LOL!

Wanderlust!

Wanderlust! 

It was cold and windy, and they for spelled snow today, though I decided already yesterday that I will go out. Zwolle is the city where I wanted to go to,  Zwolle is  the capital city of the province of Overijssel just like Almelo and Nijverdal. It lays 120 kilometres northeast of Amsterdam, and it has about 120,000 citizens. Usually I pick the train what passes Nijverdal, but in Nijverdal they are building a huge tunnel, so that train has delays until March/April from this year. So, I had to take another route, that was quit easy. Though the trip would be 30 minutes longer, but I didn't mind. Plenty of time today. I left at 10:45 and walked towards the train station, it's a short 15 minute walk. The train left at 11:22, count a hour on that and I arrived in Zwolle at 12:22. 

Train station in Almelo, no this wasn't the train to Zwolle, this huge train was going to The Hague.

It was the first time I travelled with this train, this train was different, smaller and slower. The route was different too, I liked it. I like seeing different places, I enjoyed it. Arrived in Zwolle I recognized the train station from the early days, it's been more then four or maybe even five years since I was here.  In my old village Nijverdal I travelled always to Zwolle, (by train) and from there I travelled almost everywhere, to every big city or village in Holland. Zwolle has a good connection, with many trains going to almost every direction in Holland. Nowadays I use Almelo for that. Almelo is not as big as Zwolle but that's alright.  Even though it was a long time I was here, I knew precisely almost every road. Though I walked aswell different roads, I wandered around and saw many nice sight seeings. 

I was surprised at the many statues in Zwolle.

I had a nice afternoon, took many pictures, and saw many nice new things around me. There was the market, the nice old and aswell new buildings. There was the nice little harbor and the churches. There were aswell some Jehovah witnesses, they stopped me and started talking with me. First they came up to me with the question, "May I ask you something?
 I didn't know first what they wanted, until they came up with the word God and Jesus. I think their age was about 25 or 28 something, what they were telling me was here and there quit interesting. My story about my Dad's passing came along aswell, I told them that I had some kinda peace with it that my Dad passed away, I told aswell about how I felt at the funeral, that it was awkward but mostly sad. 

Coffee in a shop to warm me up!

But it seemed they weren't that much interested in that, They were more interested in their own story. At the end of their story they handed me a flyer, and they invited me to visit one day 'this' church in Zwolle, "Sure," I told them, I shook their hands and walked further, lol. They were nice guys, but I don't know, they had something fake over them aswell. In my eyes they were just a bit to much of a Christian, lol. I made a end of this visit to Zwolle by buying my last few of groceries there. I walked many miles this day and I really could feel my legs. At the train station in Zwolle I helped a black man out, he had to go to Almelo too, just like me. But he had no clue where to go. I told him to stay with me, cause I was going where he had to go. Fun thing was that he liked it to talk in English, I loved it. 

A nice cat in the window, there were more, but this one cathed my eye.

I loved to chat with him a bit in English, he was a nice guy. Once when we arrived in Almelo, he had to take the bus, so, I walked with him towards the busses, cause again, he hadn't had a clue where to go. He shook my hand and thanked me afterwards, good feeling. I felt exhausted once at home, but it was so worth it. I cooked dinner, and after that I sat down and didn't get up, lol. Tomorrow will be a resting day for sure, it's needed. The pain and pressure in my chest I felt today too, but it was handable, I think I know what it is, and that gives a bit of a relief.

Reach and stretch.

Reach and stretch. 

I think I know what's wrong with my chest, I have sometimes a certain chest pain, with little stabs in my chest and I have a little short breath. The pain comes and goes, it feels a bit like my muscles there are stuck kinda. Everytime I have to sneeze, it feels like a nail hits me in my chest, not that fun. I worry so now and then, actually I must say I worry alot. Though the worries come and go, I can worry about little things for a few days, then all of a sudden it all turns around and feel calmer and relieved, and I'm asking myself, "Why on earth did I worry about that?" The last few days I worried about my trip to Atlanta, today it all turned around, and thought to myself, "Why on earth would I worry about something, what isn't even necessary?" Or, "Why worry? The trip is yet so far away?"

These sometimes worries can give  damages on my health and body, that's why these chest pains, and sometimes other pains. Although the pains are not that painfull, it's sometimes annoying, sometimes it scares me aswell. So yeah, time to act, time to work on those worries and pains. Just like I wrote yesterday, a mindfullness cursus will do me good, next week I will sign in. I have been looking online too for exercises to make my chest muscle a bit smoother, or how you call it. Less stressful/painfull. I will have to do some relaxing exercises, just to learn to relax again and to focus more on my body. Instead of focusing on worries. The exercises are easy and fun to do, I will start tomorrow, Hope I can hold on to it.

I even though about following yoga lessons are a step higher, fitness lessons. But I don't want to do many things at the same time, let's see what these exercises do, plus the mindfullness cursus. Maybe my Doctor can help out aswell, these sometimes nerves and worries can really get a grip on your body. It's so strong. Today I relaxed and took it easy, cause tomorrow I will be out to another (close by) city. I bought my groceries and I heard some good news aswell. This upcoming Monday 'we' will get a new heater in our flat, meaning I could not use my heater for two or three days working, and no hot water.I can pick up a electric heater Monday, the housing corporation took care of that. Though it wasn't necessary, I called today and they told me that I won't have heating only on Monday.

Monday, they fix they fix the new heater. I will be working on Monday so I don't mind the 'no' heat, when I come back from work the new heater is fixed and works. So, all good, and I don't need a extra electric heater. Thursday they gonna fix the hot water, well, I can live with that. All is good, less worries, lol!

Mindfullness!

Mindfullness! 

I'm thinking of starting a cursus mind fullness, I actually had contact already with the lady who gives this cursus a few weeks ago, a week after my Dad passed away. I already was interested in this cursus way before my Dad passed away, a week after Dad's funeral I searched for contact with the lady who gives this cursus trough a email. I also told her about my Dad's passing in the mail. She told me that it's not a good idea to start with the cursus yet cause of my Dad's passing. She thought it wasn't a good idea to start this cursus when I was still mourning and grieving, I agreed but not a 100%. The lady told me to wait four or five weeks, or even longer. I waited two weeks,  I'm almost sure that tomorrow I will try to get contact with the lady once again.

Yes, I'm still grieving and mourning, but I'm much calmer and relaxed about it, I can't really explain how I feel at the moment, I'm okay. Ofcource I feel sadness that my Dad passed away, ofcource I miss him too, he doesn't deserved this. But, I can aswell say that he had a good life, though the way he lived the last thirteen years since 'Mom' passed away weren't that pleasant. He is happy at the moment, he's with Mom, he's not suffering anymore, the missing of his "all" is over. That's the way I think about it now, 'that' gives me a some kinda reliefed feeling. The decision to start with the cursus mind fullness is because my worries are becoming annoying, almost a problem too. 

It's time to work on those worries. These worries are mostly just worries for nothing. These 'nonsense' worries as I call them are becoming a pain aswell, I have sometimes pressure on my chest, a little stabbing pain, and a hurting stomach. They say nerves are always attacking your weak parts, that will be my stomach then. Though, it sounds that I'm a nerves and stress full wreck now, but I'm not! The sometimes pain made me decide that I have to act, act in a play full and enjoyable way. The cursus mind fullness is enjoyable, it will learn me to think differently, learning to focus on other things, etc, etc. My thinking will become easier, and my worries less. The cursus sounds interesting aswell, I like it, I will learn from it. Let's see what the lady will say tomorrow.

Work went well as always today, again a other section but okay, I didn't mind. Working on a other section means aswell working with other fellow workers, we have some foreigners aswell at work, actually alot. There fun and interesting, it's interesting to hear from other cultures. We have Turkish people, Yugoslavian people and ofcource Dutch people, lol. It's a nice mixture. Plans for the weekend? Uhm, yes and no, it depends on the weather. Would love to go to another city (Zwolle) on Saturday, but the weather forecast for spelled grey weather and perhaps snow, I'm so done  with this cold weather. This Winter season is taking to long it seems! But Dutch weather can always change, so I will see what it brings Saturday.

A day well rested!

A day well rested!

Every Wednesday I got to the 'free dinner,' just like on Monday's and Thursday's. But today I didn't go, I was tired, and felt like a nice afternoon of quietness and being on my own. I slept well last night, got up and took it easy. Around 11:00 I decided to do a few things what needed to be done, I packed two bags full with Dad's old belongings and went on my way to the second hand store. I decided already a few days ago to bring Dad's old belongings to the second hand store, cause then everyone who's buying it can enjoy it, rather then giving it away to some of my greedy friends. So yeah, good decision! One of the two bags was quit heavy and big, I putted it on my steering wheel while riding my bike. It went fine. The second hand store was again happy with it, I think I still have two or three bags full. After the second hand store I went straight to the taxes office, I think I'm a well known guest there now, lol. 

There was again a change in my income, and that's why I had to inform taxes about this change. I get benefit's from taxes cause my income is not high enough, just because I'm not working a 100% fully. I work only three days in the week. My boss pays me only for these three days, the other two days I get payed out from Social Services. I have the right on those benefits, I get housing benefits and health benefit. If there's a change in my income then the height's of those benefits will change too. Simple, right? I wasn't even nervous to go, what I usually was in the beginning, now it's just easy. They don't mind if you come to often. Next address I went to was the housing corporation, I needed to know of our new heater. We are getting a new boiler/heater or something, I say 'we.' Cause 'we' in the flat have a central heating, and this central heating is kinda old and needs to be replaced. 

This replacement will take place upcoming Monday until Thursday, meaning no hot water and no heater for at least three days. They offered us a electric little heater, though I work on the 25th, so I would like to know where and when I can get that electric heater. Housing corporation told me to contact the 'house master,' that's a guy who controls this flat in a certain way. If there's a problem 'he' will fix it or arrange it. He knows about this new heater aswell, so, I have to contact him and ask him if I can get that electric little heater sooner. Cause I will be working the 25th until 4:30, it might be then that these 'heaters' are gone. I can do without the warm water, but I like some heat when I get back from work. I will contact him upcoming Friday.

Colder days next week...

Colder days next week... 

No, I'm not worried, I'm not worried, I'm not worried! Okay............ I forgot to write a post yesterday, ugh! (Actually, I was to tired to write or didn't feel much for it, but don't tell anyone!) I had a good day at work, first half of the day I was working with this machine again, just like yesterday. That went fine, though it's kinda boring, I rather work where I usually work. Just making mats, build them, measure them and pack them. Just before lunch another fellow worker took over my work, so I could go to my own section again, yay! I actually don't mind what kinda work I do, I'm glad I have work and people around me. It's not only work we do together, we talk and have fun aswell. These fellow workers are people where I spent 24 hours with during a working week, and that's not nothing.

Next week, on Monday the 25th of February 'we' the people in our flat, will be getting a new central heating. That means from Monday until probably Thursday no heating in our houses, and no warm water. I don't mind that the 'no warm water,' though the 'no heating' sucks. Specially during Winter, couldn't they have waited until Spring or better Summer? Nope, the central heating really needed renovation. According to the letter we received we can pick up a little electric heater 'somewhere' in this flat, though I'm working on the 25th the whole day. I hope they still have heaters then, otherwise I will buy a second hand one. I need warmth! lol! I will go ask for some information by the housing corporation.

Exhausting day...

Exhausting day... 

Oh yeah, STOP these worries Sjon! They are not good for you, it tires you out, LOL! It sure does, and did today, it's not healthy either. Work today felt exhausting and it wasn't even heavy work, just alot. I worked on another section this Monday, I had to stick by a machine and had to pay attention. If I walked away for thirty sec, I would be screwed. This machine produced material for mats, I had to fill it with little pieces of nylon. Or little bushes nylon wrapped in plastic, these bushes had the size of a matchbox, not that big. Though it was quit a work, cause the machine runned constantly.

Worries? Yeah, last night I went to bed with these silly thoughts, I should slap myself to the face, lol. Worried about my trip to Atlanta, 'what if this and what if that,' there's absolute NO need to worry and yet I do. Nerves are normal I guess for this 'far away' trip, ofcource. But overdoing it, NO! Stop that! I have my days sometimes that I worry, and not only for this 'far away' trip. I could worry over just little things, things where I don't even have to worry about. I'm gonna work on these worries starting this coming week. It's gotta stop!

Perhaps talking to the person who I'm gonna meet (Jan) over this 'far away' trip will be good to. She's a good friend, and there's  NO need to worry.

Glad it's almost Monday...

Glad it's almost Monday...

Sunday's, what can I say about Sunday's. I'm not doing much on Sunday's, though these  day's fly by pretty fast, even though I'm not doing that much. Like usual, I cook dinner, prepair lunch for tomorrow's work, shower, sometimes I iron and fold laundry. Resting for another full week, work, free dinners, socializing with 'friends.' Yeah, 'friends.' I still get around with my friends from Humanitas and surroundings, but I'm not that happy with them, they give me not that a satisfied feeling. I could use some other friends or just more friends. The 'friends' I get around with at the moment are not really my type, they are just different. I can tell that they are from a different environment, they are the kind of people to not mess around with, kinda.

I can see so much difference when I'm around my 'friends,' or with the people where I work with. I even can see difference when I'm shopping or have other appointments where I see or meet other people. I'm still working and looking around for other socialisment, but to get rid of the 'friends' I have now isn't that easy. I can make it less, and less, and less, and then, maybe au revoir. Though Iguess they will always stick around.But anyway, one day.... right? Today I have been exploring once again the biggest airport (in my eyes) from America, Hartsfield Jackson Airport in Atlanta. Yes, "The trip," of the year this summer. There's almost not a day when I don't think about it, I'm excited mostly, but aswell there's still some nerves. 

I keep thinking to myself when I'm nerves,"What's the worst that can happen?" Well, the worst that can happen for me is, not that there's a delay, not that the plane will crash, not that I won't be to late for departure, not that I forget my passport or suitcase, I can go on and on. The worst thing that can happen is that the person that I'm going to visit is not showing up somehow, she might get lost, or I'm gonna get lost, so that we miss out on each other. According to my flight/travel papers I will arrive in Atlanta on 8:30 pm, that's already late in the evening. What if we both miss out on each other? What to do then? Or in the worst case, where can I stay? I know I need to stop those thoughts, stop the 'what if this' and 'what if that,' just that sometimes they show up. 

Should I make a plan B? LOL, stop it Sjon? Hey, I'm just writing down my thoughts, lol. That's where this blog is for too, you know. Plan B, I think I have a few plan B's, take a taxi to the place where I have to be, (Jan's house) or call her, ask her if she's there, or where do I go? Let it be announced trough a speaker that I arived, and that I'm standing in hal B or hal C devastated for example, lol. Plan's enough, and still. It's still four and a half months, I'm gonna get myselfa heart attack if I don't stop worrying, lol. It's not that bad! It's gonna be great, it's gonna be okay, but it's okay to have nerves too, right? It's normal, it goes automaticly, ans there's excitment aswell, LOTS of excitment! So, all good? Yeah!

Roll on Spring!

Roll on Spring! 

Just like yesterday it was a grey day, though a tiny bit warmer. I didn't went out that much, I felt tired and felt like resting. I did my last part of the groceries and carried two big bags full of a part of Dad's stuff to a second hand store near by my house. Just some little stuff what I'm not gonna use anyway, The belongings I wanted to hold on to are still in my house. The second hand store was amazingly happy with the stuff I brought, it was nice to see their happy faces. My Dad would have done the same. 

I figured if I would give it away to just a few persons, then that wouldn't have give me a pleasant feeling. The people I know who could use Dad's stuff are greedy, and un thankfully. So yeah, at the second hand store more people will probably buy the stuff, so, more people will be happy. All good!  I have much more to bring, but that can wait until probably Wednesday or Friday. Further today not that much, rested mostly, tomorrow will be the same. I have much more energy during warmer weather.

Unexpected bicycle repairs...

Unexpected bicycle repairs... 

The Winter is surely not over yet, in my eyes this Winter is even longer then last year's. It was  a grey and foggy day this Friday. Although the temperature went a bit up today, next week the temperature will go down once again. The exhausted feeling from yesterday I felt today aswell, so easy going was my plan today. My bicycle needed some repairing, the chain is dry and needed to be tighten up a bit, while I ride my bike it makes noise, and it annoys me. A few days ago I went to the bicycle repairer where I bought my bike from, they told me to leave the bicycle behind and pick it up the next day...

But I ain't had time for that, cause the next day I had to work. I told the repairer that  I would come back in a few days when I have more time. There's aswell a bicycle repairer close to the train station, who's actually less expensive. He lives closer too, last time I visited him I had a flat tire. He then fixed the tired in not even twenty minutes. Today I went to that repairer aswell, he fixed my chain in a little 10 minutes. Oh, my bike felt while cycling so much better. I went straight to the super market to buy some groceries. Afterwards, just before reaching my front door I noticed that my rear tire was almost empty.

Sigh, I didn't even went inside, I went once again to the repairer. He pumped up my tire, and letted it be. We both didn't know if the tire had a leek or just out of air. I went home and decided to wait and check my tire later again. This bicycle repairer is closed on Saturdays, so I needed him today if my tire had a leek, lol. Other repairs are expensive or to busy to fix my bike. It was 3:00 pm when I checked my tire, and yeah, it had a leek. Flat! Back to the repairer I went, he fixed it fast and I went home again. All in all the repairs on my bike costed me a little 22 Euro's, damn! Plans for the weekend? Nothing yet, the weather isn't that good. I will just see what's gonna happen, I still have to go trough my Dad's stuff aswell one more time.

Tired!

Tired! 

I'm even to tired to write, or better, I'm exhausted. After I written this post I will probably go to bed and sleep long, I'm longing for it. I worked today on little mats, mats with rubber in-layers. They were almost finished, only the in-layers had to be cut of nicely and the mat needed a label and a extension. fourty mats, it was quit a work. The rubber was thick, and though to cut. But I got it done, I felt exhausted afterwards.

 

After work, I went straight to the 'free dinner,' like I usually do on Thursdays after work. The weather-forecast for spelled snow in the afternoon, it snowed yes, but it went dry when working time was over. The free dinners are quit busy recently, more people are coming, some people bring even their kids. I don't mind, it's cozy. Though after a day of work I'm longing aswell for some quietness and rest. After the dinner I went with Janine and her kids to her house. Her kids insisted, I can't refuse then, lol.

Janine is a friend of a few friends I still know from Humanitas, I went with them cause Janine offered me a coffee, I thought, "Yeah, why not." The snow started again, and the wind blew hard while I was on my way towards home, I'm done with this snow and this cold weather. It's been nice, but I'm longing for warmer weather.  The coffee visit was nice, though Janine lives quit far from my house. On my long way back the snow went even harder, I was double exhausted after I came home.

Kicked back...

Kicked back...

This morning my Aunt and Uncle dropped by to bring Dad's last belongings, it wasn't that much. Three boxes and one bag, most of Dad's belongings were brought to a second hand store. Because they were to heavy for us, and most of the stuff we (in our Family) didn't had space for it. My Aunt and Uncle brought aswell the mourning cards and such, that hitted me right back to last week. The mourning cards were touching, my Dad was a good man. I even saw pictures of my Dad when I went trough the boxes, I saw pictures of him while he lived in the nursery house. I noticed on most of the pictures that he surely wasn't the same as he was before my Mom died. On a few pictures I saw him just staring, while others were cheering and enjoying them selves. That's a reason that he loved Mom so much, all I can say now is that they are together now after thirteen years. I love you Dad!

In total I have so much little stuff now from Dad, I should think about what to do with it. I went trough all the stuff recently and I will go trough it once again, it's difficult to decide what to do with it. It has memories, and to just get rid of it, makes it kinda hard. I thought about bringing it to the people who cook with the free dinners, they could use it. But today I asked and they didn't want it, they told me to bring it to a second hand store, yeah, I might just do that. I think I will keep it for a while, let's say a month. I know a few people who could use Dad's stuff aswell , most of the stuff are plates, forks, spoons and knives, cups, etc, etc. Yeah, good decision. Looking trough Dad's belongings hurted, but it's okay. It's okay to mourn and grief, it's a must aswell. One day my grieving will turn into a 100% joy.

Exhausted and not much to post or write...

Exhausted and not much to post or write...

Yes, another day has ended, another succesfull day at work. Love my job, though I was well tired after this day. The last two days were exhausting, the cold wind is not helping either. I nearly get to the time that I'm fed up with the cold weather, although I know it's part of the Winter. Roll on Spring or Summer, I really hope we have a (to) long hot Summer. I love warm weather, no matter how warm or hot it is.

Tomorrow my Aunt and Uncle will bring the last stuff from my Dad, it's the last stuff from my Dad's room. Most stuff is gone, the two rooms where Dad lived were empty and clean already last week. Time passes by so fast, it's been twelve days already since my Dad passed away. Thinking of reminding of the passing feels awkward, like it didn't happen, like I have the feeling that I have to meet him one day again soon. Everything went so fast.

Monday, Monday!

Monday, Monday! 

A bit of a energy boost I had this morning, I guess the rest in the weekend did me good. Work went great, though here and there a bit tired and exhausted. I just did a bit to much, I was carried away you can say, I just love my job. It was such a cold day today, the wind went straightt  through my clothing. I think when we reach March it will be good to say goodbye to the colder weather and snow, yeah no more snow in March. Where can I sign!?

How am I feeling after one week since my Dad passed away? Well, the mourning still continues I guess, ofcource, although it seems I'm  doing fine and continues my daily things, the missing is still there. Last week on this Monday I was worried, confused, sad and felt miserable. Worried that I would collapse since my Dad passed away, the feeling that I couldn't handle this all. After Dad's funeral I automatically became calmer, my thinking became easier aswell, the worries went less.

Though like I said, the missing is still there, yet I'm calm about it. Weird actually, maybe it's a gift from my Dad above, sounds silly perhaps, but who knows. I might need counseling after a few weeks, I don't know. I'm okay now, calm and kinda relaxed. And you know when the sad moments and sad thoughts come back I will be ready, ready to mourn or grief. I know what to do. It's part of the process, I will get trough this, I'm positive about it.

"Insert tittle."

"Insert tittle." 

 
There's not much to say on this Sunday. Resting, cooking, napping, yes the usual things I do on a Sunday. And I'm not even bored, I like the rest and quitness. Still 161 days before my big trip to Atlanta, I don't think I ever been that far from home. It will be a nine hour flight, I will be fine. I'm sure. Canada was far aswell but not that far as Atlanta, Canada, Toronto was a little seven hours flying. I started today with my little traveling plan program, every so now and then I will look trough it and learn from it, lol. Today I explored the site Schiphol, the airport in Amsterdam. Piece of cake! I have been there before, I just checked it out to see if there were any changes. The last time I was at Schiphol was in January 2011, coming back from Canada, sigh!

The airport in Atlanta will be slightly different, I have NEVER been there. So, it will be 'eek,' lol. But it will go fine, I suppose. I learned a little trick while being on a new airport, just check or try to memorize the other passengers while your still on the plane on your way to the new airport. Handy is aswell to have several chats with the passenger next to you, tell him or her where your going, and then tell him that your new to this airport where your flying too, lol. He or she might help you out, I had that experience in Canada. A old lady told me to walk with her, she guided me to where I had to be, nice of her!

So, once I'm in Atlanta, I will get out of the plane, follow the other passengers, (usually that goes automaticly). Passport check, still following the other passengers, then customs-check. Then get my suitcase, if I can't find the place where the suitcases are (probably sure I will) I can always ask or try to look for passengers where I have been in the plane with. Ofcource they are alot of signs aswell where I can find the place where I can pick up my suitcase, "Flight- Amsterdam/Atlanta." I will bring my pink suitcase, that one is easy to spot. Yeah, that will go well, I'm excited to go.Once I have gone trough passport check, customs and have gotten my suitcase, I will be fine.

Then when I'm outside of the airport waiting for the one in the passengers arrivers hall, Jan doesn't show up! Or I can't find her! Oh NO, worst nightmare, LOL!

"Saturday's alright."

"Saturday's alright." 

I was a tiny bit nervous to see Dad's grave again today, but off I went. Kinda weird aswell to be back in Dad's village, can't explain why actually. Maybe it was the fact that I been here in this village alot, only to visit my Dad. But now he's gone, passed away. Yes, I'm here to visit him, but differently.. I felt kinda dizzy and weird while on my way to Dad's village, once on the graveyard I was okay. I had to walk quit a bit but the weather was great. Sunshine, blue sky, though cold, but hey, it's Winter! I have been living in Nijverdal for almost 30 years, alot has changed since then.

They are building a huge train tunnel in Nijverdal, (Dad's village) it's amazing to see how big and huge it is. They have been building on this bridge for quit a while now, in 2008 the builders started digging and creating this tunnel. This year, somewhere in March the first trains will ride trough this tunnel. I'm sure will be there, today I had a little peek at the new train station aswell, wow, just wow! That must have cost something, unbelievable!

At the graveyard I walked slowly towards my Dad's grave, I should actually say my parents grave. Both my Mom and Dad are laying here, it's a double grave. The flowers were still nice, even though it freezed last night. The smell of the white roses were nice too, it was kinda strange standing at the grave. You can't actually do anything, I talked a bit to Dad, just in myself, sayed a prayer and just stood there. I'm glad I could spend time with him the last two years, for the same reason I could have still been in Canada. I'm happy I returned.

Something new...

Something new...

I might have something new to do in the following months, before my Dad passed away I had contact with a staff member from the 'Buddy wanted' project. I recently stopped with my contact 'Johan' from the 'Buddy wanted' project, it was no use, I didn't came a step further with him. Anyway, I will get a new 'contact' the following months, and a aswell a new thing! I will become probably a 'visitor, ' a visitor for people who need more visitors, to say it simply. That was in short, here's the longer explaining... 

The friendly home visit project is intended for people who feel lonely. A volunteer can aswell be the lack of their contact break and the help to make new contacts. It is also intended for people who want to share their thoughts and experiences occasionally with someone, and for those who want to tell their story to someone who can listen. The Friendly home visit project is meant to be based on equality, to mean something for each other. This can be anything: a cup of coffee, shopping together, take a walk or just a chat. The project Friendly Home visits are very different. A participant is approximately between 30 and 75 years old and in social isolation hit or threaten to hit herein.

When the staff member told me about this project I was interested, I thought, "Why not?"  Though I will be nerves aswell, thoughts are, "Could I really do this?" Ofcource the person who I will visit are strangers at first, scary and eeek! lol. The first time IF I'm gonna do this, someone will come with me to the person who I will visit. I think it a nice project, I think it will be good for me aswell. Seeing other people, communication, I will learn from it aswell. So yeah, I'm ready, (I think) 

Today has been okay, gosh, days are going by so fast, last week my Dad passed away, what a terrible day that was. Now he's already buried and my life continued. I rested and took it easy on this Friday, the worries are mostly gone. I was worried last week of what will become of me now when Dad has passed away, I was confused and nervous. Now, I'm more calmer and know ahead that I will be alright, I'm out of worries. I like the rest I planned, and when I feel I like to do this or that, I will. The fun things will come again, I'm sure.

Tomorrow will be a bit of a Dad day, last time I saw Dad was last Wednesday. I will visit Dad's grave tomorrow, I think it will be a nice out for me. I still miss Dad, ofcource. The missing will stay, the missing will get less heavier. Then I can carry it, and give it a place. I loved him so much, I will never forget him. One last thing, I would have thought that Saf (my ex) would have give me condolence, but no! She couldn't have missed the 'it' because of trough my mutual friends. Today she 'liked' my cover photo on my profile page, she couldn't have missed 'it.'

Work went well, though one day of work is enough.

Work went well, though one day of work is enough. 

Work was good, though I was tired afterwards, ofcource I was. Many fellow workers came to me today for wishing me strength, and for hearing me out. That was nice, it did me good. The distraction I got from work was good aswell, though like I said, after work I had enough. I couldn't have done another day, aswell the thoughts today were, "Am I not going to fast to be working today after I buried my Dad yesterday? That's why it was good that it was only one day, tomorrow starts my weekend. I will rest and do not that much, I haven't got planned anything either. The last six days have been rough and heavy. I need my rest.

I think I will slowly continue with making plans for  my trip to Atlanta USA these coming days, (I'm going to meet a friend there) I think I will make a little program for the trip aswell. A month before Dad's passing away I was busy with planning my trip to Atlanta, planning like, asking for information, seeing if I can afford it, and in the end booking the trip. The little program I want to make is just for myself, it's fun. My program includes, 'what do I take with me,' what to do when I get on the airport,' 'what do I do when I arrive in Atlanta,' etc, etc. It will be good, I'm not worried, (liar, lol) Okay just a bit then.

Toughest day of my life...

Toughest day of my life...

I think I know where the pain came from the last few days, I already had this chest pain and feeling tired since Dad passed away last Friday, even before his passing. The last few days it became worse, I was anxious and nervous for the funeral, I guess it's normal. Why was I anxious and nervous? I don't know, I felt like crying the last few days but it felt aswell that everything is stuck, and I couldn't cry. I can't really explain why I was so anxious for the funeral, afraid to show my emotion? Afraid of how I would cope? Afraid of my Dad's Family? I think all of them a bit of both. Though I can see the funeral aswell as a new start, that may sound harsh, but it is a new start. "Open my eyes, love and move on, that's what my Dad wanted." 

The funeral...

The funeral itself went smoothly, I got up on time, even before my alarm clock. (as usual) I went even thirty minutes sooner with the train as I had planned, I wanted to be sure that I was on time. And I was. I had to be at the train station in Nijverdal (Dad's place) at 9:15 am. My Aunt and Uncle will pick me up from there. We had to be at the church at 9:30 am. I arrived at 8:45 am, thirty minutes sooner then planned. It was cold and a bit misty. I went for a little walk, cause of the thirty minutes, I felt for a little walk. Perhaps to prepair myself and to get some fresh air. At 5 minutes past 9 my Uncle arrived with my Aunt and their Son, (my Cousin.) I felt a bit of a relief, it was nice being with Family members. We were perfect on time at the little church, we waited ten minutes, then the priest let us in and guided us trough the building and to my Dad, ugh! 

Seeing Dad again made me tear up, I did not mind the tears. I thought of what some friends of mine told me a few days ago, 'let the tears come, let it out. Don't stop the tears, Do not walk away from your emotions, it helps you to get trough this process.' Tough, I just cried a little. Next the priest guided us to our seats in a little hallway and let us wait there for other Family members and relatives from Dad, everything went smoothly. The Church itself and the little hallways were nicely decorated with candles, white roses and a few memoriam cards from my Dad. There was a register where you could write regards. The Family and relatives were not in many amounts, but I was happy with the ones who were there. When it was time for  the condolences I saw my Nieces and a few Aunts from my Mom's Family side, then I teared up again. 

I wasn't sure if they would come, but they came. They wished me strength. Later on a Niece told me that they came just for me and my Dad. The church service was touching but aswell tough, The carriers brought Dad's coffin into the little church, and me and plus my Dad's two brothers and one sister followed. I cried a few times, and again, I did not mind the tears. Though it wasn't always easy to cry. The priest did everything well and so nice, there was choir music aswell. My Dad loved choir music, not that weird cause in his youth he was a choir member. The music made me tear up again, it is such a weird experience for me. Just to witness this all and seeing my own Dad laying there in his coffin isn't a pleasure. Difficult to describe the feeling. Weird was the feeling aswell that I was worried about Dad. 

After the service the carriers came again and carried Dad's coffin out of the church towards the car, followed by me plus Dad's two Brothers and his one Sister. Dad had three Brothers and three Sisters.  Again such a weird experience, 'They just can't leave Dad in his coffin, this is weird,' I thought. I knew it's a funeral and I knew this is all real and happening, Dad passed away and were gonna take him to his last resting place, that's it. Pain on my chest, weird stomach, and the crying went stuck. Dad's coffin was carried in the car and drove on front, followed by other cars from us. The sun came out and it was gorgeous weather, God might have ordered this weather for Dad. The trip from the little church to the graveyard lasted not even ten minutes. 

Arrived at the graveyard the black car with Dad's coffin stopped and the carriers took Dad to his last resting place. Dad will be buried with my Mom, Dad's everything, this is all he ever wanted. This was what he always wished, it's a kind of a relief to know this. Though the missing him is there too. For me this was the toughest part of the funeral, here came that weird feeling again. 'Your gonna put my Dad here? You just can't leave him here, all on his own.'Many thoughts were going trough my mind, 'He doesn't even have a coat on, he might get cold,' so weird. This is what happens with funerals, I knew that, but still. I found it so sad for my Dad, I wished I could speak to him one more time, saying a goodbye, saying him that I will do fine, saying him that he will be my guiding angel. But no, I prayed to him and waited until the other Family members left too. 

Again, it was good to be with other Family members, the support and caring, it was all what I needed. Leaving the graveyard and Dad was tough, walking away from him hurted but I figured I can always come back for a greeting, just like with my Mom. He isn't gone actually in my eyes, yes he passed away and I won't see him again, won't be able to visit him again, but he's in my heart. He will guide me and be with me where ever I go, it will be good, I'm sure. Leaving the graveyard we all went back to the little church, to have a last seeing each other, a chat, coffee or tea and a sandwich. Our Family is getting smaller and smaller, I saw my Nieces and Cousins, a few Aunts and Uncles. It was so nice to see my Nieces and Aunts from my Mom's side, I sat with them and we talked, I thanked them kindly for being with me at this moment. 

When I sat with my Nephews, the kids from my Dad's brothers and Sister it was a bit different, we talked but has some jokes aswell. It did me good to see them, the laughs were doing me good, ofcource. All was good, all was okay. Though I felt tired, after the sand wiches and coffee I went one more time to my Aunt's house for a cuppa tea, and from there my Uncle brought me to the train station. I spent five hours in Nijverdal and I was exhausted, ofcource I did. The train had a delay, so I was a bit later in Almelo. I did a few groceries cause I needed food for dinner. I decided not to go the the 'free dinner,' today at 5:00, that would have been to much for me. Arrived at home I had a little nap, I felt like a bomb went of in my body. I needed rest. Tomorrow I will work again, I feel kinda nerves for that but, my fellow workers will take good care of me. I'm sure. 

How do I look back to this day? It's been the toughest day of my life I can say, weird is that with my Mom's funeral I had slightly a different feeling as with my Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral was way tougher, I don't know why. I saw dad's passing away already coming 13 years ago, my Mom passed away 13 years ago. From that time I thought, "Dad's next." With that fear I walked 13 years, sometimes with ups and sometimes with downs. So, why did Dad's passing away made such a impact on me? Is it guilt? Is it that I loved him SO much? Or this or that, I don't know. Maybe a tiny bit of guilt, but oblivious is that I loved him very much, it shows, cause I feel so much pain now he's gone. For now, I will rest and I feel aswell that I will get trough this process, at the moment I just want rest. 

I don't feel much for going out, visit a store what I like or something else, that surely will come again. I'm not worried about that, it will come again. 

The days are going to slow...

The days are going to slow...

It's been five day's that my Dad passed away, the last two days are going so slow. There's still that pain on my chest, and it seems it's getting worse. Feeling little stabs, it feels my heart is in a knot. I'm kinda worried about it, I'm guessing it's the nerves before tomorrow's funeral. I don't even have to be nerves I think, everything is settled. Though I think it's normal aswell to have nerves, funerals are important, and probably it will help me to say goodbye to my Dad, and hello to my own life that has been set aside for the last five days. I really hope it. 

Though I'm concerned, I feel I can't do this alone. Yes, I have a few friends where I can talk to, and there's work where I can release my thoughts and get distraction. But I could need some professional help aswell, right? So, today I went to social services and asked for a counselor. I figured, "Why not?" It can probably help me and make me feel better the following weeks or months, though.... The counseling didn't go trough. The lady who helped me told me that it's way to early to start with counseling, my Dad just passed away five days ago.

The lady told me that a mourning process could atleast last for two years, or maybe even longer. I agreed with her, I should not rush things. It's just that I like some help to get me started with this 'proces,' I feel I can't do it alone. The lady signed me in and told me that I will get a call within five weeks, "It's better, it's to early to start with counseling now," she told me. Okay, alright, I think that's fine, perfect perhaps. Ofcource it's to early to start counseling now, the lady told me aswell that it's better for now to NOT start with many things at the same time. I told her about a mind fullness-cursus where I wanted to start with and aswell a  counselor. 

So my plan is, I will take all the time I need for my mourning. I will see how I feel or how I'm doing within five weeks, then at the same time social services will call me, and will ask me if I still need help or not. Perfect! In the meanwhile I will take good care of myself and do what what I feel is best. If I really feel bad or my health goes backwards I can always contact my Doctor, yeah, I will get trough this. It's to early to worry about what comes the following weeks or months. I will just see. Tomorrow is Dad's funeral, that might be that I'm not feeling badder today, it's the nerves.  

Found a few other tips:   

Do's:

-Accept that loss and grief are a part of life.

-Try to stay as healthy as possible. Nobody feels or gets better if you neglect your health, not even yourself. 
     
-Seek support from others at times when you need it.

-Take the grieving process as it comes.
 
Don'ts
 
-Don't let others tell you how to grieve.             

-Don't  close all the positive things in life.
    
-Don't sit and wait for the moment that the grieving process is over and wonder how long it will last. You wil notice when it's over.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want: Smile, open your eyes, love and go on!

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want: Smile, open your eyes, love and go on! 

That's a great quote, I keep reading it so now and then. Yes. that's what he wanted, my Dad didn't want me to be sad, open your eyes, love and go on! That's what he wants, make him proud!! Show what you learned from him. I'm still in pain, though it seems the pain is slowly leaving my body, with ups and downs. I know it's still early, this can take weeks, months, maybe even years. Though I will do anything what can heal me, I will take my time though. I'm not gonna rush things, time is on my side. The days inside the house our dragging me, to much time to think. I'm sure I need this rest, but I feel aswell that going back to work on Thursday will do me good.

I called my Doctor aswell today, trying to get some medication to ease the grieving pain. I felt I needed it, specially in the morning when I get up there is that pain. I still can't describe the pain on my chest, little stabs and it's like my heart (or my chest) is surrounded by emotion. Willing to cry it all out but it can't, just like it's all stuck. Though I'm not that worried, just a bit. Like I said, it's still early, it's still fresh. My Doctor gave me oxazepam, (10mg) I heard of that medicine before but never used it. I googled it, and red the 'side effect,' that made me decide not to take those medicine.

-Oxazepam damps the emotions and is therefore useful in feelings of fear and other similar emotions that annoy's you. Damping emotions is also immediately a side effect. So it may be that you care less and can't empathize with others and are less friendly.-

-Drowsiness, fatigue and, less often drowsinesss, your reaction and concentration will reduced, giving you a great chance of accidents. Accidents can occur for example: in traffic, when climbing a ladder, control devices or monitoring and control activities. But you example also more likely to fall when  you go to the toilet at night.-

Yeah, that's nothing for me, I figured 'this' might change my whole attitude, and makes me dizzy and super lazy the following days. While reading the side effects I think I had such kind of medicine before way back in time, those medicine gave me a weird feeling aswell. I rather stay focused the following days. I rather do it my own way then, the healthy way, I'm either not a fan of medication and pills. I will get trough this, there are many ways. It's already a positive thing I want to get trough this process, 'Smile, open my eyes, love and go on!' 

I rested today, though I went outside aswell for a short bike ride.Trough the hard wind, wohoo, that was tough, but it felt good. It was the fist time I went on my bike since last Thursday. In the afternoon I rested took a shower, and around 5:30 pm I took of to the free dinner. I was nervous to go there, didn't know what to expect, though I went. I thought, "Maybe it does me good." The dinner was nice and the people were nice too, but I noticed something. I noticed that I'm stuck with my emotions, I wish the tears would come, but no. 

I noticed this when a member from the free dinner asked me how I was doing, I told her about my Dad, it was a good talk but I felt like crying too. The feeling of crying surprised me, though it's good to know. I need help, and I will search for help. Perhaps Friday or earlier I will go to my Doctor and ask for a counselor, someone where I can tell my story, someone who can help me out in this process, guide me. 

Resting this Sunday...

Resting this Sunday...

I did almost nothing today, feeling tired and I have pain. It's a weird pain full feeling, I can't describe it. Emotional feeling, heavy on my chest, not much interests me, less energy. I will see my Doctor tomorrow, for just in case, he will probably give me medication for the pain, or give me advice. I have those ups and downs, I feel better when I was around Dad's Family yesterday, weird right? I disliked this Family for a long time, but now it feels like I need them. Bringing up funny memories or just memories did me good, ofcource I can talk to other people about it or my 'friends,' but it won't be the same, they don't know my Dad like 'we' do. Sometimes I feel I like to cry but I can't, I hope I will with the funeral, it's good to cry, it reliefs. I wish I had a program or a schedule of what to do while mourning, at the moment I just don't know. Seeing my Doctor tomorrow is a good start.

Ofcource I Googled today for sites for mourning, most of them were good and interesting. But I knew aswell that not every person is the same, some mourn this way and some mourn that way. I found a few good tips, some I already knew and some were new for me... 

Crying relieves and heals, try not to push tears away, but let them come. In that way you let your feelings out, and it gives little by little room for something new, something other than grief.

Grieving is hard work. It is emotional work where you become really tired. So make sure of yourself that you  give your body and your mind enough rest. Sleep a lot, even during the day if you need it.

In the grieving process try for yourself to clarify what your relationship to the deceased, and look for a way to get him or her back in your life that has changed so much, give it a certain kinda place in your life or heart. This search is through talking, tell what you meant for the dead, what experiences you have shared in his life what he has accomplished.
 
There are countless moments and things what can cause grief,  a song on the radio, advertising on TV, newspaper, something someone says or does, etc. Avoid that, or atleast try it. Don't go searching for grieving either, then you might get the chance of sticking in it. So seek distraction in an activity that does not require too much concentration (which is often difficult). Watching TV , sports, shopping.Pick up an old hobby again or go do something new. Possibilities enough. DO!

Care of yourself also means taking time for relaxation. Treat your body and your mind calm enough to relax by. Take a warm bath, or a nice long shower, go into a  sauna or get even a massage. Also bring your grinding head to rest by (learning) meditate or try mindfulness. 

Give yourself time, "Time heals all wounds" is a big cliché, but in the case of bereavement a big truth. With the passage of time and by expressing your emotions and slowly get used to all the new, the rough edges will be less, and then the enduring will be easier aswell. Try to think of that when things are difficult. Every day the wound will heal bit by bit.  

I will take my time that it needs to mourn and be sad, it's still fresh. The mourning might take weeks, months or even years, I will take that time and not worry about it. Ofcource I'm still in pain, Wednesday is the funeral, that will be though too and after Wednesday? I will see then what happens, I should not be worried. I probably will always miss Mom and Dad, but I will give it a place one day, when? I don't know, whenever it's time.