Moving on with a speedbump...

Moving on with a speedbump...

Apparently someone didn't like my last post, Saf deleted me from her Facebook friendslist, and so did Cle. That hurts, and I don't understand it. I was already doing what I suppose to be doing, continuing with my life, and doing what Saf liked me to do, let her live her own private life and not follow her everywhere,  and now this. I felt good about my/our  decision, I was more then ready for it. I wish people would understand me, but if some people don't listen, yeah, well, I can't help that anymore. I'm done with it. I'm gonna switch over the page, and slowly continue again where I was, continue with my life and let Saf live her life.  Although it will be a bit with a slow start, I'm dusting of the dust from falling again, and get up and move along. Saf deleting me from her Facebook had a good side and a bad side, the bad side is that it hurts, and the akward good side is, I feel slightly a relief aswell. 

You know, thinking back at the 3 years in Canada I have the feeling that I failed. I could have done so much better, and that feeling is hard on me, I must say WAS hard on me. Coming back with THAT feeling in Holland wasn't a nice feeling aswell, but I got slightly over it. Looking back at the posts from January and February from this blog, was weird and felt akward, I can't believe what I all wrote. What was I thinking? But I know aswell that I went trough something and when I think of that, I feel no shame. That was me in that time, I knew it would be hard. I never wanted to hurt, stalk, or follow the Family, I wasn't thinking straight, my mind was elsewhere. I have been progressing now, and I'm sorry for what I did. I wrote Saf a message back, telling her I was sorry for everything. The message was meant to be a goodbye, closing the page and continue with moving on. 


I got a message back from Saf and she wasn't so nice, but again it's understandable. I was fed up with it, I wrote her back and told her again goodbye, but now goodbye forever. She told me that I should leave her alone, but didn't I do that already? Didn't we already talked about this?  Aaah, I'm done with it, it tires me. All I/we ever wanted was,  is to end the relationship with a happy ending, as far as that was possible. But we both failed, me more then her. Cause, she was the one who did the break up, and not me. Now she's mad and pissed off, and I don't like seeing her like that. But I have to continue, just like Saf. I have to let it go, and I will. Some people think I'm still in love with her, but, (let me write this in bold letters) 

I'm not in love with her anymore, actually the ' loving her'  ended already back in January, after our break up. I  just wanted to end the break up  without fighting or issues, and that we could think to ourselves, "Hey we tried but, we didn't manage." And not split up with angry faces. Faill! It's a pity it went like this. 

I deleted some of my Facebook friends cause Saf was not to speak about 'our' mutual friends, I did it just for the good sake and to keep the peace. She wanted me to leave her alone, so, yeah, me and my angry, fed up, silly, face I deleted her Family members too, (some of her Family members deleted me already)  The reason I deleted the Family members was that I wanted to close the page, and didn't want to be remembered of these last 3 years for a while. Everytime I saw one of the  daughters from Saf on Facebook, I got these 'missing' feelings, I don't want that anymore. But I felt sorry afterwards, why can't I just stay friends with the kids, or atleast some of them? I spent 3 years with them, I don't see harm in adding them back, if Saf let me though, if Saf says 'no' then it's a no! And that's fine.It's her choice and they are her kids. Later on Saf sent me a message back, saying she was proud of me how I stood up for myself on Facebook, instead of others doing that. She perhaps got the feeling that I sent some people after her, to get my right.

Well, I didn't, and what good would that bring? It would make things only worser. So, I had to fix that again, I'm so bad at getting criticism, I wish was easier with that. At the end of the message she wished me good luck and said bye. The message made me feel better, not that I got her attention again, but that we both calmed down and wished each other well. It makes me feel I can continue where I was, moving on. Talking about moving on, what did I do today? Well, I went to my Dad, and I decided to go on the bike and not with the train. I could use some air, the ride was nice but there was a strong wind. It's been a while since I drove that far, I took it easy. When I arrived at my Dad's place, my Aunt and Uncle were there too, they always come every Saturday morning, to buy grocery for my Dad. Dad was alright, his bandage and plasters were off his thumb. Slightly a bit of pain he still felt, but he was fine. I didn't stay long, cause Dad wanted to go downstairs for his lunch. 


The ride back went better, the wind was in my back. I bought some grocery when I got nearly home and took a nap when I arrived in my room. I never take long naps, 15, 20 minutes ans I'm done. But this time I slept for an hour! Woot! I was suprised. The day almost ended, I made some pasta for dinner, had some chit chats with some people here. Relaxing on the laptop is what I do mostly in the evening, tonight I had a beer, but ssshhh, don't tell anyone, cause were actually not allowed. If you get caught you get a warning, the second warning you get throwen out. It's just the rules. Some of the guys here at Humanitas told me that they do it aswell so now and then, drink a beer on there rooms. Aslong as you don't make loud noises or be violent,then it's alright. 

Okay, another post has almost ended, like I said, I'm closing the page, Saf. Meaning, I'm not going to talk about her again on here. (Or atleast try) Not that I hate her, and not we are in a fight, but, because I'm letting go of her for good sake, and for both of us. She's gonna live her life and I will live mine, I truly wish her and her kids all the best! 

I saw something...

I saw something... 

I saw something last night... Something what I didn't like, that something what I saw would have deeply depressed me or made me sad a month ago, but not anymore now. I'm stronger and I'm suprised that I am, I really am feeling better  then two months ago. I'm progressing with my thoughts and feelings, and not only that! I'm feeling stronger. I'm aware that I can accomplish alot more then I thought I could.

What did I saw then last night? There was a thing going on on Facebook, two weeks ago Saf modified me from her wall posts, I can't see her wall posts anymore I knew this already cause we talked about this on MSN. But I didn't want to mention it here on the blog, I actually want to stop writting or gossiping about Saf, I would like to continue my life and move on. That is what I like to write about at the moment, but that doesn't mean that Saf and I can't be friends. The reason why Saf modified me is because she wants to continue her life without ME following her everywhere or me comment on every little thing she does on Facebook. Saf didn't like it that I followed her kids aswell and bombard them with comments on there statusses.  I must admit that I was sometimes a bit to much in the beginning of the first month I was back in Holland, But I calmed down now. I was confussed and had to adjust being back here, and get used to a ' being alone again' situation.

The last two months were tough and depressing, I felt sad and confussed, I couldn't place anything. My head was a mess, I was struggling and fighting with my thoughts, although I moved on then, it sure wasn't easy. I escaped sometimes to Facebook, cause I had no one else to talk too, I was and felt alone. In that time when I was on Facebook and I saw Saf or I saw one of her kids, and I didn't know what to do. I was asking myself questions like, " Shall I comment?" or, "Shall they get mad when I talk to them?" and besides that I still was heavily in that 'missing them' proces.  I didn't want to bombard them with questions or comments, but it happened. I wanted to let them know I was alright, and I would like to know how they were doing. It sure wasn't a easy time.

As the time went on I slowly commented or asked them questions less, cause I knew they didn't like it, it was better for me aswell. I had more important things to do, then sit and wait for them so when I had time. It was time to let them go just a bit more, I realized it was better for me and for them. When I think back at that time now, I feel sorry, but for me it was totally understandable why I was so difficult and confussed. I hope other people would understand that too, I hope aswell they realize where I went trough. And not only me, Saf and her kids had a tough time aswell. Ofcource, cause what do you think? That after our brake up I would just feel great and continue with my life, like nothing has happened? It sure wasn't like that, we both needed time, and I needed people to be patience with me. 


About last night, like I said, there was a thing going on on Facebook. Saf her comments  weren't so nice, but it was understandable what she wrote. I'm not going to write all of her comments down, but I will put it in small words together. 'Saf told that she was tired of me commenting on her and her children, her friends and some of her things we share on Facebook.' But, didn't I already discused this with her? Why she bringing this up again? We kinda solved this already, I understand her though, I understand what she means with this. But what can I do? I don't like her seeing upset or getting tired but, come on! We discussed this already, and If she is getting tired of it, let her come to me, and let's talk like adults to solve this. And not behind my back so that everyone can comment on it. I just could look at the comments and there was nothing I could do.That wasn't nice!


The readers of my blog know by now that I had a difficult time behind me, and I'm not going to sum it all up again. One thing Saf told aswell was that 'she's getting tired of that she can't comment on her friends if I'm beaten her too it.' It wasn't and isn't my attention to beaten her to it, so that she can't comment on her friends statuses. How am I going to solve this then? No more commenting on my friends or our mutual friends statuses? Saf is free to comment on everyone on Facebook. Wouldn't it be much easier, that Saf and I just can comment on every status of our friends what ever we want? To show the people that we both are moving on with our lives separatly and are both fine with that?

I really wish she has the strenght for that and not be so stubborn, cause I'm not the one who's stopping her. We both shared a life togther, like Saf said in her comment aswell. In our relationship we build up friends, now after our break up we both have still these friends, there's nothing wrong with that. One last thing Saf told was, that she want's me to move on and let her have her own private life. That's also we discussed a week ago, Saf modified me, and we both decided that I comment and talk less with her and her kids. And then still she brings it up, I understand what she wants, and she is right, but I'm moving on, look at me where I stood a few months ago and look at me where I am standing now. I can't do miracles, I'm a human being with feelings like everyone else. I'm really not mad at Saf, but the way she handled this thing on Facebook wasn't right. It isn't my attention to hurt her, or her kids! I'm going trough a proces, she must realize this.

I went trough difficulties, how did I know? I didn't even know what I was thinking then.  I have nothing but good for her, I know we will never be a couple again, I'm fine with that. But atleast friends in the near future would mean alot, because of (all) the things we shared. Maybe it's an idea we let each other go till we settle our lives, and for now take our time with everything. It's getting tired fighting with myself, fighting with my thoughts, and with my feelings. So now and then you come on a certain point that you just want to let go, and just want to have fun again. Two weeks ago I had that that feeling of letting go, (drawning a line) no more fighting with myself or fighting with other ones,  I'm tired of explaining myself towards another. Although the fighting made me stronger, it helped me further, now I can continue. 


So, what will I be doing after all I wrote above?  What are my feelings about this? Well,  it's easy for me, I will just continue where I was. With moving on, step by step. I will comment even less on Facebook, what I already did, just for the good sake. I guess I will just let Saf and her kids be for a while. If she needs a talk, I will be there. What happened today? Not that much actually, after yesterday I needed resting, and that's what I did.  I didn't sleep so well, I had an early shower. There is so much sun outside, that makes my room even warmer. Prolly I will visit my Dad this weekend, to see how his thumb is. I think the bandage and plasters are already off. We will see....

Fire drill?

So there I was after my lunch on the toilet,  I just sat down. And then suddenly the fire alarm went off, and that thing was pretty loud. The first thing what noticed me was that no one was shouting or screaming for help. I stood up and ran upstairs to get my laptop, (snort) ' my baby.' I didn't smell smoke and I saw no one running. I heard the fire truck comming though with sirenes on, they were here in 10 minutes. I made a little run till I got outside, and there stood everyone. My first thought was a fire drill, I also asked the other people outside. "We don't know," they said, "we will soon find out." within 15 minutes the alarm went off and the fire people said it was all safe, it turns out one of the young kids in the building turned on the fire alarm. Sigh!

A full day...

A full day...

It was a full day today, and it felt good. I feel tired and exhausted from work but satisfied, it's a nice feeling. Today at Reha we made wooden  planters and wooden boxes both for in the garden, we got 50 done. They looked nice, I wish I had a camera with me, I would have made some pictures. Next time I will. It's going okay with work, although you feel sometime the pressure if you get a duty to do.That is not needed, but you have to work together, and were not all the same. Sometimes it owns you the pressure, I think at Reha it's a good lesson to handle that self pressure, I need to make it easier on myself, or controle it better.No pressure!

After work I changed my clothes and got ready for the free dinner, I still had 30 minutes left, so it was all good. I walked alone today cause the other guys were having appointments elsewhere, that was a bit akward, but I knew the way. Just like yesterday, something was a bit bothering me whit dinner. Everyone who has finacial problems or is homeless is welcome for the free dinner, so aswell this gang of 5 people who lives nearly 24 hours on the street. This gang is a bit loud and seems always a bit drunk with dinner, there people from the street, what else you can expect. I heard stories lately from other people from Humanitas, that these people are scum and low life people. These people are not afraid of anyone, you really can't trust these kind. So, lately after my dinner, I take off right away, I just don't like being around this gang. Maybe one day I won't even come back for the dinner. Will see...

When I got back from the dinner, I had an appointment with my counselor here from Humanitas. Her name is Paula and she helps me with the important things I have to do, a nice girl and not afraid to talk, LOL! Sometimes she gets me confused, cause she knows how to deal with things more then I do, (It's her job, silly, don't worry!) I like it when I have things organized and tidy, so aswell my paperwork. For Paula everything was in order tonight, but not for me. You have no clue how much it all is what has to be done, sometimes my head feels like a sponge or a cheese with holes, with so many things on your head it's easy you forget sometimes things.


Some of the things what still has to be done....

I'm still working on that extra money, (I'm under minium wage) It's waiting for my bank (ING) to help me out to get the extra money. I need my last bank statements from atleas the last 3 months, I asked for them at my bank, but I/they had to do the 'change of adress' first. That will take 3 or 4 weeks the ING said. When I get everything done with ING, I can ask for 'banking online' aswell. Can't I ask for banking online now, and then print out the bank statements? No, cause there will be my old adress on the statements, and that's not what they want.

I have a bill to pay, remember the summer house I stayed in for almost a month? (40 Euro a night) The owners still need to be payed, last time the owner of the summer house called my Aunt, they asked for me. My Aunt told her to call Humanitas, The owner didn't call yet. My plan is that I am going to pay them, but not all the money at once. I need to do that in amounts every month, I'm 100% sure that the owner is willing to arrange that with me, cause last time I spoke to her we already talked about that. Then there is the dentist, I'm  assured now, that's all good. Some of the bills from my last four or five appointments I payed already, but some also not. The dentist knows by now that I'm financial not so doing well at the moment, he will wait first till I get my money sorted out.

I didn't have to pay with my last dentist appointment, I still have to come back 3 times. With the last appointment I will get the final bill, and then we will see how I am going to pay that, maybe I can arrange something monthly with the dentist. (Hopefully) Then there is some sort of  'care allowence' where I can ask for.

*Care Allowance is an allowance for the cost of your insurance. The care allowance can be a part of the nominal premium for your health insurance payment.

Paula (my counselor) and I found out that I had this care allowance already a few years ago, what I totally forgot. (snort) This allowance stopped in 2010, and the question is now, who stopped it? Cause I was in Canada. I was getting this allowance while I was already in Canada, and that is not allowed. The second question is, if I ask now AGAIN for that care allowance, will they find out that I recieved that un-allowed money in Canada? I can do two things,1)  just ask again for the allowance and pretend I didn't know, or 2) call and say them that I recieved un-allowed money while I was in Canada and that I would like to have a paying back arrangement with them. Paula told me to think about it for a  few days...

Work! I'm working at Reha, that's a project who helps you further with a new proper job. Ahh, you know. Humanitas, Reha and Paula are thinking that it will take a little year for me to get this proper job, and I agreed with them. This time I don't want half work, I want a real proper job what really suits me well. I know that I can't work whole days with my sick thyroid, that's a fact I won't change. Otherwise I will be jobless again in no-time, and then I can start all over again. This week I had my first start and it feels good. So far so good.

After all the above is (nearly) done I can start with living on my own, meaning a house for myself. while I'm still in that working project (Reha) I can already look for some house or sign in by housing corporations, I did already a few. I'm still a 100% sure I won't come back to Nijverdal, I don't want the same ol' same ol' again. I feel I'm free where I can live, everything stands open.

And last but not least, I really need to buy an agenda or a week planner, so I can write things down. I don't want to walk around with a head like a sponge or a head like a cheese with holes. It's time to tidy and organize my paperwork. Tomorrow I will just do that! Today was a full day, it's time to relax!  Night, Night!

Frank Black and Moris Tepper - I Burn Today (Henry Rollins)

My favorite weather is bird-chirping weather...

My favorite weather is bird-chirping weather...

Yeah, it was a beautifully day, lots of sunshine, but no birds chirping though. It was warm in my room this day, the sun shinned fully on my huge big two windows. But when I came outside there was a cold hard wind. We Dutch people like talking about the weather alot, LOL! Every time we see someone we know and we walk towards them for a little chit chat, the first thing we talk about is the weather. Like, "It's cold isn't it?" or, "Geesh, it's so warm today." Typical Dutch. I had a nice long sleep last night.

Usually I wake up at 5:00 am and then I will turn around and around till 6:00 and then I get up. Today aswell I woke up at 5:00 am, turned around and fell asleep again till 7:30, nice. Waking up with muscle pain is not fun, I still feel the sore muscles from last Monday's work. Tomorrow is my second day of working, I'm excited! I hope there is something to do, cause there is not much work lately at Reha. The guy who was working on the bicycle shed is done, I can't wait to see it. This morning after the coffee break, I cleaned some windows and cleaned the upstairs kitchen. Yes, it was that time again, cleaning duties! Some people hate it, some people don't, I don't mind.

My aunt told me last night that my Dad fell again, it sure wasn't the first time he felt. His (old) legs are sometimes not willing what he wants, he walks recently with a walker. He had many little accidents the last ten years, he really needs to relax and not be so stubborn. Sometimes he still thinks he's 30 or 35, thinking he can do everything. The nurses are helping him with mostly everything, putting his clothes off and on, going to the bathroom, making food, getting him up out of his chair sometimes, putting him to bed and getting him out of bed. Yesterday he fell like I said and he bruised his thumb according to my Aunt. 

I visited him late in the morning, and the nurse told me that his thumb was half bruised. He looked fine and we talked normally, I guess he felt so many times in the last ten years that he gets used to it. His thumb had a bandages and some plasters. The doctor came last night for a short visit and told him to take it easy. Next week the doctor will return for a second visit, the nurses will keep an eye on him and on the bandages and plasters. You know, I'm happy that he is in a eldery house, cause there's now way he could take care of himself for 24 hours a day. It's a relief for him and me. 

It's Wednesday and that means the 'free' dinner in the late afternoon, today there was pasta on the menu, it tasted nice, but I couldn't eat the second plate what they usually offer. The walk back to Humanitas was cold, it's going to be a cold night. Today wasn't much interesting, it was just a day like normal. I was floating trough the day, taking it easy. This day was a bit better then yesterday when I had these 'moments', I only had a few today. I was walking to the church for the free dinner, and I walked along a shop and saw myself trough a window. 


And I thought to myself, "Look at me, while I'm walking with the other guys," it was a awkward and strange moment. Suddenly it hits you, that 'sad' moment when I saw myself. I had the same feeling while I had the dinner, suddenly, 'beng,' there it was again. Just a moment of thoughts, thoughts like, 'what am I doing'?  'I don't belong here,' Last year I was in Canada, and now I'm  here.' And then when someone is saying something, or makes a noise, you kinda wake up and move along. It happens to me often, you move on but sometimes these 'thoughts.'

After rain come sunshine... and then rain again...

After rain come sunshine... and then rain again...

It was a cold morning this morning, it was 8:30 am, and I was ready for the dentist. Well, ready? Not really, cause I had these thoughts again. While I was one my way to the train the sad and lonely moments suddenly came towards me, thoughts of disappointments, missing them. Ugh, so many thoughts.

Here are a few..

I miss them, I want to be with them, why did it all end? Will I ever be happy again? Why...
why does it feel they ignore me? Our love was so intense in the beginning, what happened to it? Why? I feel like crying but I can't, I don't wanna go to the dentist, I don't wanna be here. And on and on...

But I kept on walking... like I always do, although I would rather be somewhere else, I'm moving on, and the train will be there in ten minutes. But I kept on thinking, and then when I think further, the thoughts become worse, I knew for sure this is going to be a long process.

Another thought...

Maybe in the near future a woman will cross my path, Would I dare to take that step? The step to a new relation? Would I not be afraid that I might loose 'her' again? Just like I did with Saf? I know I'm looking way ahead in the future, but sometimes these thoughts just are wondering trough my head, just like this morning.

Another thought...

What if a new 'man' crosses Saf's path? Could I handle that? All I know is that 'that' will be a tough and a hard time. But I sure would NOT go nuts or violent or overwhelm her with nasty comments on Facebook or MSN, I'm just not that type of guy. It won't solve anything! Sure I would be sad for a while, but I will be happy for her aswell. I need to continue! It's waaaaaay to much thinking for my little brain, I need to stop that, but sometimes I just can't. It will get better in time, I'm sure!

When I arrived in Nijverdal I still had to walk twenty minutes to the dentist, aahh! I was still on time. My thoughts were gone, they vanished as quick as they came. Sometimes when I have these thoughts or moments, I think it's good to not escape them, cause they will come back anyway. Best way is just to think these thoughts and let them come, it's the same with crying moments, just cry, let it all out and try not to hold in. Right? it's better for the healing.

I was fifteen minutes to early at the dentist, and the assistant told me that my insurance is now good. 'They' made a few mistakes and it's all solved now. When I heard the drill in the other room the nerves came back, I thought, "There gonna spend an hour work on me, get on with it!" After five minutes sitting in the waiting room it was finally my turn. The dentist welcomed me and was as always friendly, first they made a X-ray of my tooth. (weird machine) The dentist assistant told me, "Put your chin on the board, then the scale will turn,"  I replied, "With my head in it?" She laughed.

It was time for the first root canal treatment after I got the two anesthetic injections. I was calm, and everything went well,  it was a relief how he went to work, no pain what so ever. But it wasn't funny to see the tools and drills what the assistant handed over to the dentist right in front of my eyes, LOL! One drill was atleast 8cm long, ouch! After the treatment it was time for another treatment. One tooth, ermm, how to explain this in English, half of my tooth they drilled and cut out until the root, and then filled the hole with a special filling.  And again, no pain what so ever. Only the anesthetic feeling was horrible, it felt like I had two extra lips and a disabled cheek. 

And holding my mouth open for sixty minutes wasn't a pleasure, In the end when he was done finishing it he told me to close my mouth and I had to bite with my teeth. Well, that wasn't that easy, I had cramps in my cheeks, lol! I was happy that it was all over, I expected it would have hurt alot more, but it didn't. The dentist told me to come back in two weeks, then they are gonna drill the same tooth and fill it again the rol. I have to come back three times, to finish this tooth completely, did a I just heard money? Lol, it will be for sure a nice debt, I'm happy I'm assured.

There I went with a swollen cheek, heading to the trains, back to Almelo, back to Humanitas. I had a long nap when I returned in my room, cause I was dead tired. It was actually my working day today, but they knew at Reha, that I was elsewhere. After 4:00 pm  two guys knocked on my door, it were the two guys where I worked with at Reha and they have a room here aswell. I promised one of the guys that I will cook for him and myself today, cause he cooked for me last week, fair enough. On the menu was a simple dinner, potatoes, warm beets, and a sausage, with a nice gravy. The guy liked the dinner and thanked me, it was nice.

Sometimes I don't know how to end a post, what about just a 'Goodnight'?'  


Goodnight!

Early bird...

Early bird...

It was 5:05 am when I looked on my little clock this morning, and I thought, "I'm getting up, slowly," I'm sure when I would have turn around, I would have fallen  asleep again. And that would have been bad. I putted some clothes on and made my sandwiches for work, I was quit excited and not that nerves. I'm much more nerves for the dentist appointment tomorrow, ouch! But, how was today's work? Well, I was on time for the bike ride to work with the other guys, it was cold and misty when we finally took off. It was quit a bit off a ride aswell, it took us almost 20 minutes on our bikes. 


When we arrived we hanged up our coates and drank first a coffee, we still had ten minutes left for our starting time. At 8:15 am they usually start here, there's always coffee first . When we sat in the canteen, I felt going back in time, actually eight years ago. It was 2003 when my thyroid gave up and said, "I'm quiting." So, yeah, it's really been a while, though from 2003 untill now alot time and medication has passed since I been diagnosed with a sick thyroid. In Canada I noticed and learned that I was able to do alot more then I thought I could with my sick thyroid, with that thought in the back of my head I started this project this morning. 

I helped one of the guys who was building a huge bicycle shed. It looked pretty neat, All the material was all of wood. The guy who I helped is a guy I know from Humanitas, he told me yesterday that I could help him. he's a nice and funny guy, but aswell very fanatical. While working no complaining, work! And sometimes a joke, that was his motto. I think he rather worked by himself, so he could work on his own tempo. Though, I was excited to work with him, but as the working day ended he was just a bit to fanatical for me. I really like working, and I'm sure not afraid to get tired, but having a sick thyroid learned me aswell to listen to my body. I knew that it was my first day and that I would get muscle pain, and that I would get tired. 

I was taking it easy but also enjoyed the work, then sometimes I just get to excited and then I do just a bit more then usual. But, I had a good first day. I helped with the bicycle shed, made a few fences, helped with painting and cleaned up the sawing machine. The people who are working here are nice to be around with , only I wish they stopped smoking, LOL! Actually that counts for everyone at Humanitas. (I dislike the smoking.) Reha is the name of the little factory where I work now, it's three days a week, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Although you can't compare Reha with a real factory, I noticed also that sometimes  some people of the Reha staff likes you the work like in a real factory. 

They sometimes challenge you, and they are sometimes just a bit to pushy. You really need to open your mouth when you can't handle it or when you are getting tired. I think they are doing this to train you, to get some of the workers ready for their next new job. I can say my first day was good and in the end tough. In other words, I was exhausted but satisfied aswell. Working with the 'fanatical' guy? I'm not sure I will do that again, he told me aswell, that he likes to work alone, cause he's not good in giving directions, he rather does it his way, in his own tempo. I understood and saw that. I was thinking that it would maybe be better for me aswell to work alone for a short time. 

I can give myself directions, and just like the 'fanatical'guy does, do it in my own tempo, without hearing that whip behind me. I like to work and I'm sure not lazy, I do my things well, but let me first get used to working again without being to hasty. Getting used to work will come in time, I'm building up slowly and steady. I'm happy and satisfied with this day. Thursday will be my second working day, tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. Wich I don't like, I just can't believe sometimes all the stuff they put in my mouth and then they still say, "Stay calm." I gotta be there early in the morning, 9:30 am, I will be present. I will get aswell a huge bill I guess, according what the dentist told me last time. 

He told me that they will be spending an hour work on me, there will be two root-canal treatments. We will see how that will go. Today when I prepared dinner in the smoker section there were alot of people for a change, usually it's not that busy. With alot of people in the smoker section you will get aswell alot of cigarette smoke, wich is not so nice when you cook or eat. I will take my food downstairs next time, there is a none-smoker section where you can cook and eat your meal. It seems I'm the only one who doesn't smoke in this building, although smoking is only allowed in the places where it's allowed, I still don't like it. Smoking here should only be alowed outside.

*Confession* 


I have two  little photo's from Tasn, on my desk in my room. When I came in my room exhausted from work, I saw Tasn big smile on one of the pictures. I nearly cried, I haven't thought of her the whole day, not even a second. P.s, it's one of my favorite pictures of her.

Preparing for work...

Preparing for work... 

That means, searching for  some working clothes, make some sandwiches for tomorrow's lunch plus some snacks, and afterwards rest. It's a grey day today, not even cold but it looks rainy. It's been a while since I worked, now the work I have to do tomorrow isn't that much, but still. What to wear? I still need to figure that out, I found some jeans and a kinda old sweater, and that will do. I will wear my snow boots from Canadian tire, for just in case, the staff from Reha offered me a pair of working shoes aswell, so yeah, it's all good.

I'm a tiny bit nerves but the excitement overwhelms, I'm ready for it. I see it as a next step in my life, and it's not a job like I used to had in the past. It's not a job that they sent you away again when the work is over and out, or that they find you way to expensive. This is a job where they look for a proper job for you  instead of only working there, and that makes me happy. There's not much to do today, it's always like this in the weekends. You rest and you cook a bit and sometimes your on the computer. Or just laying on the bed thinking...

Thoughts...

I'm looking outside and I see the rain, I'm happy with the huge windows otherwise I feel so locked up in this little room. Although everything is going okay with my movement, though I'm feeling sometimes alone aswell, being alone makes me think of the past. Before I met Saf and her Family I was alone too. I was okay with that on a certain level, I just didn't know else. I did my daily things and that was it. Ofcource I went out sometimes, but mostly by myself. I was my own boss and could go and stay whenever I wanted. But then again, I had then my lonely moments too. Being alone isn't fun and certainly not at this moment, people can say "Go out, meet people." But that's a easy saying, and it ain't that easy. I don't feel like meeting 'new' people, not now. Maybe when I feel better, when I feel it's the right time, cause I'm not ready yet. 

The people who I want around me now, or who I would like to see again is Saf and her kids, specially the kids. I still miss them, specially Tasn! That's a normal feeling. Sometimes when I lay down on the bed I think of them, thinking of how they are doing or what they are doing. Are the two little ones still jumping on the couch or picking up the cats? How is Tasn and Mar doing at school?  And let's not forget Noor, she's in a new school, how shall she be doing? Is Saf doing fine with work? And is Tasn sleeping well now she sleeps alone in her own new room? I'm not worried about it, I'm just concerned, I think it's a normal reaction when you spend time with them. 

Sometimes I have these thinking moments, I hope I can visit them again in the near future.
Wouldn't that be great? Seeing Tasn, all grown up, or Ab when he's already going to school. But first I want to move on, and settle my 'new' life again. I will be happy when I have a house for my self. Decorating it and fixing it, it will sure make me excited. Actually I could see it as going up a stairs, everytime a step higher building up my life. I'm not even half way yet, but as soon I get a new house, I will pass the half of the stairs. And then continue, and when I reach the end of the stairs, I will plant my 'I'm 100% happy' flag! 

The day is almost coming to an end, I'm glad it does. I wasn't feeling so well today, just a bit down and thinking. I just had a little dinner, and checked my clothes for what to wear for tomorrows work. It's all set and done, I'm ready! A few guys from Humanitas are working there aswell and they asked me to be on time tomorrow morning, they want to go together with me. I told them to not worry, and that I will be on time, as always. Alright time for my evening coffee and a biscuit, see you tomorrow!

For Colleen...

Here's a little poem for a friend in need...

There's no love like a mother love, 

No stronger bond on Earth...

Like the precious bond that comes from God,

To a Mother when she gives birth, 

A Mother's love is forever strong, 

Never changing for all time...

And when her Children need her most, 

A Mother's love will shine, 

God bless these special Mothers, 

God bless them everyone...

For all the tears and heartache, 

And for the specialwork they do. 

I sent you strenght and prayers Colleen, for you and your Son.

Moving on...

Moving on.... 

I had a few plans for the Saturday this morning, I planned to go to my Dad's, buy some grocery there, and get some kibbeling (fish) on the market there aswell. I was up early, (Do I ever sleep out?) had a shower and prepaired my breakfast. Around 9:30 someone knocked on my door and that someone asked me if I was ready. I thought, "Ready, for what? Oh yeah! Totally forgot, I need to help someone this morning, with moving." It was a guy, who asked me for help with his moving, and I said, "Yes." He was early, and I told him that I will be there in 15 minutes. There was one guy more from Humanitas to help out, we jumped on our bikes and headed off where we had to be. It was the old house from the guy where he has been thrown out, 'that' house needed to be empty before Monday.

The house was dirty and most of the stuff was all junk, but some stuff needed to be moved to another house. It was quiet some work, thank god we had a little trailer, very little though. It was not the kinda moving I was used to, like in Canada. The car was small aswell, we needed to ride 7 or 8 times. But it was fun to do, and we had some laughs. A little after 2:00 pm we were done, and I headed of to the market here. One of my plans today was to get some kibbeling, (Kibbeling is a snack consisting of sliced Atlantic cod, and is dipped in a batter and then deep fried) It was pretty expensive though, I payed 3 Euro for a tiny small plastic container. Though I deserved a little tried, it's the weekend anyway. After the fish I bought some groceries and headed to Humanitas, I was exhausted but satisfied, it was time for a nap! 

Yesterday I told you that a small family joined Humanitas, remember I told you about  the Father and his two sons? I spoke to the Father last night while making my coffee, he's a nice guy. He told me his story why he and his wife and two sons are here, wow! He told that me that they were kinda been thrown out of their own house, cause the house needed to be fixed or something, right. The fixing will last more then nine months, actually, I think it's a weird story. Anyway, the shock came when the Father told me that they were living on the streets for 3 months after they been thrown out, imagine that! Living on the street with 2 little kids. The Father had a car though and has an income. But no house, they slept here and there and sometimes they slept in the car. I felt sorry for them, and specially for the 2 little boys. Can you imagine? They are happy now here at Humanitas. 

Funny moment last night, while I was cooking the little boy from the Father came to me and had a peek what I was doing, and I spotted myself speaking English to him! Sometimes I spot myself more on speaking English, for example when I'm talking to fast or want to respond quickly. After my little nap once again someone knocked on my door, It was the same guy who I helped with moving. He offered me a nice dinner, what he made by himself. Rice, with a very good sauce and chicken breasts. Very nice of him, we sat together and ated 2 plates, it was good.

How am I doing comparing a month ago...

I'm sometimes surprised about my self how I am doing, I'm okay and things are going well, just as planned, I'm moving on slowly forward. Sometimes I just need that little kick in the butt, LOL! Sometimes Humanitas makes me nerves with little surprises, for example the project at Reha. Me and Humanitas worked hard on that project, just to get me there, and now I'm there. I was asking myself if I was actually ready to work, ready after all that I have been trough. My first thought was, "Oops, work, am I ready?"  But slowly I get used to the idea and I think to myself, Yeah, let's go for it."

I still think off Saf and the kids, and that's normal.These thoughts will never disappear, I hope not. Cause the thoughts I have now are feeling a bit better and calmer, thoughts that I care about them and love them. It's easier now, I can look at pictures now and say, "Yeah, good memories." I will never forget these guys, even though it was tough and difficult to adjust without them. It was difficult when the three oldest came online, or when Saf came online. I just didn't know how to act, I didn't want to bombard them with talks or comments. But how to act then?

I just didn't know, I surely didn't want to ignore them, that would have been wrong aswell, right? I spend three years with them, and then suddenly not speak to them anymore? No. I hope Saf and the kids understand that I had some difficult months and still have. Would it hurt me if I would loose contact with them? Yes! I would like to keep contact, between the things I have to do to move on. Wouldn't it be nice when we both are super happy with our own life's, and that we still keep contact? I'm really hoping for that!

Your horoscope...

Don't be surprised if you're a little weepy today, Aquarius. The influence from planets can enhance your sensitivity to almost everything, including your own feelings. Take heart. It's bound to be short-lived. Cry if you need to, since it can be cleansing. Try not to wallow too much. Chances are good that things will look better tomorrow. Take care of yourself today.

Massive Attack - Teardrop(Full) - 1080p

Children make you want to start life over. ~Muhammad Ali.

Children make you want to start life over.  ~Muhammad Ali.

This morning with the coffee break another new resident joined us at the table, I should actually say residents, cause it was a whole family. A Mother, a Father, and their two little sons. When they joined us the Father had his son on his arm (sleeping, and in pyjama) and the other son held Father's hand, it was such a nice picture. Sigh!  Kids, I have a weak for them. Before I went to Canada I had that not that much, that weak feeling for kids. But once you experienced them... Oh Yeah! I think the best part of having children is to see how they grow up and your a part of that.


When I saw the Father with the kids, I was thinking back of  Tasn and Ab, bless them. I miss them when I see someone holding a kid, I was so busy with arranging my life, doing this and doing that, settle this and settle that, and then you suddenly hear a kid yelling somewhere, "Daddy," or you see kids playing outside with their parents and then you stop and think back for a few minutes. Thinking of what once was, thinking how I spend time with Ab and Tasn. Going to the park,  or just a walk, bringing them to bed or just having fun together on the couch watching kids cartoons. I can go on and on. 

Yeah, I miss that, missing the kids, or missing that family feeling. But I'm moving on, and who knows I will see them again one day, I'm 100% sure about that. Okay, on with today, I'm not gonna tell you we had cleaning chores again this morning, and I'm not gonna tell you I vacuumed downstairs area and the upstairs kitchen, so that you know!  Today I got a mail from my dentist, he told me that I wasn't insured since March 2010. But, I was the last month so busy with arranging my health insurance, I even got mail from them that I am insured. 

My insurance company is called Menzis, so, for just to be sure I went to Menzis this morning to ask them what is going on, it's walking distance. The reason my dentist emailed me was because I have next Tuesday the  last appointment for my root-canal treatment. They will be spending an hour on my teeth, ouch! If I'm not insured I have to bring money with me, which I don't have, yet. That's why I want to be sure if I am really insured, and when I am, insured, the dentist can arrange and settle things with Mensiz. 

When I arrived at Menzis this morning they told me I was for sure insured, since 19 January. The lady from Menzis made a copy of my insurance for the dentist, I hope the problem is solved now. Tonight around 6:00 pm , me and a few other guys from here were planning to prepair a dinner for ourselves. But one of the guys, had troubles with his income, he didn't had money this weekend. Yeah, I'm not the only one here with that problem. I told them, let's do it next week, and they were okay with that. 

Sigh, money, you really can't do without. They are all so carefull with their money here, and I can't blame them, were all in the same boat. It's Friday already, the weekend is coming . I have nothing planned yet, the weekends here are for enjoying yourself. There is no staff, so, there is nothing that can be arranged nor settled, the offices is closed. I will just see what happens, or what comes to my mind. I have one thing planned for sure, and that is buying one can of beer, maybe two. And I'm thinking of going to a sauna, that's been a while. I will see....

It's been a while....

It's been a while....

It's been a while since I worked in a factory, it has something old fashion here in the east of Holland, atleast that's how I see it. If you drive around the industrial here in this city, you see lots of factories with large halls. Inside these halls you see scaffolding and machines and sometimes assembly line machines. And don't forget the forklifts, offices, and ofcource the canteen. All these items were there already in the seventies and eighties, since then, nothing has changed. Well some things then.

That's why I call it old fashion, ofcource there are other, better, unusual, none-old fashion jobs where you can choose for but then you need to be more educated. A long time before I went to Canada I worked alot in those old fashion factories, to get some money and to have "a job" ofcource. In the end of my college I didn't received a diploma, I needed to concentrate more on my learnings, instead of being distracted. My Dad was working in a factory in that time, where they made rainwater pipes, it was a job with three shifts. I could come and work there after college, and so I did. I didn't even know what to expect!

 After three or, four years I quited the job, it was  the nightshift what nailed me. I couldn't sleep in the mornings, and I must say it was a huge experience for a first time  ever job. First you are still  in college and then suddenly your working in three shifts, starting off first with a nightshift. After I quited the job I did several other jobs trough a job agency, a month here, then a few weeks there, then a half year some where else. I went from left to right, and from back to forth, and I thought, "This doesn't work." After that I followed a training/test/project in some sort of school for metal and welding and I received three diplomas. (Woot)

This school was aswell a step-up for a another job, meaning, these people help you  train welding and then help you further to a next (new) job. I'm sure you know what I mean. I worked after the school trained me in two metal/welding factories, and I worked there quit long. Then my Thyroid went sick, and had several days of staying home sick. That was in the year 2000, in that year my Mom died aswell, that was a terrible time. In the following years I took care of my Dad while my thyroid went sicker and sicker. I was working half days then.


In the year 2003 my boss fired me, reason? He didn't need me anymore cause there was no more light, or half days work for me. Sigh! But, I felt okay with it, I sure could need the rest , cause I was dead tired and fed up with everything. From 2003 till 2008 I never had a job again, yeah, a few volunteer jobs, one of them was at the radio, that was fun. In the end of 2008 I came in contact with Saf, and the rest you know. I had in Canada a job aswell for a very short time, I did a flyer service. I brought  flyers around, 300 flyers in a certain area, and for every flyer I hanged on a door handle I got 30 cents. 300 flyers, 30 cent each flyer, that makes 30 Dollar a week. It was a hell of a job but it was quit fun, being outside, and see all the huge houses.


The Job/project intervieuw...


Being back here now in Holland starting a new life, means aswell starting to find a job again, it's a must. Kinda awkward working in a factory again, it's been such a long time. In Canada I took care of the kids, and held the house clean, what I liked. But, comparing that to working in a factory is for me a huge difference nowadays. Today at 12:30 I had my first meeting with the staff from Reha, Reha is a project where , they look what your able off, they help you further with a job aswell. For some workers it's also just a day-filling, being a part of the society again. I was kinda nervous, but aswell excited. I was getting nervous when I was almost there, Paula my project leader was with me. 'Inhibitions,' is a terrible feeling, LOL! When I walked in the building I saw the 'old fasion' factory items again, forklift, canteen, assembly line machines, etc, etc. 


There weren't so many people, cause they hadn't much work atm. The lady from the office guided me around and it looked nice and clean, the work I have to do seemed easy. There were four sections, a section where they paint old second hand furniture, then a section where they make fences, section three is a Christmas lights preparing section, section four, wooden planters and other wooden furniture. The office lady took me upstairs to her office for some short information.I talked aswell about Fusion. When I went to Social Services for the extra money, they offered me also another project called Fusion, that is also a working project, you can compare it with Reha. Only Fusion works together with the municipality of the city of Almelo, and Reha works together with Gak and CWI.

Fusion you can compare with a real factory, with a 8 till 5 shift. Their products come always on first place. Reha is slightly different, yes, you work from 8 till 5, but when you need a little break, you can take it. If you have a appointment, you can go, meaning, the employee is more important then the products they make. At Fusion the product comes first, you know what I mean? Reha is much better for me, they will help you further to a next job and all in your own time, like I said, the employee comes first. After the introducing talk the lady told me that I can come next Monday! Yay!! While I left the building I had one more look at the working area, it still gave me this awkward feeling, it felt I have been traveled  back in time for more then 25 years, lol! I felt like I was just coming from college, like a teenager looking for a job. I need for sure to get used to this kinda work situation again. It's been such a while.

Now if you will excuse me... Hi, ho, off to the 'free dinner' I go! See you tomorrow.

A blog-post-blackout!

A blog-post-blackout!

One of the best things that you can blog about when you don't know what to blog about, is blogging about not knowing what to blog about! Confusing?  Ok, so I admit a part of the reason for this post is because I don't know what to blog about. I’m sure it happens to many blogger's, including myself sometimes! There is not much going on here at the moment, I'm waiting for a important mail, now I can talk about the mail man that he's lazy, but that's not so exciting, to write about.

I can talk about that there were clean chores this morning, and that I cleaned the whole entire kitchen, and swiped/whipped two floors, but, I don't like to brag about myself that much, and everyone knows by now that I like to clean. (Oops, I bragged!) I can talk about that I filled in my files/papers for my extra monthly money, and that they are ready to be delivered, but, I don't really feel to. Coffee! I can talk about that the coffee here is okay, and that they use powder instead of milk, and that sometimes my neighbor on my section steals sometimes a half cup of sugar while having our coffee break, but, I'm not that a coffee drinker, I rather drink tea. So, I don't mind if they use powder instead of milk or that my neighbor sometimes steals a half cup of sugar.

Hmm, maybe I can talk about that I don't have to cook tonight cause there's the weekly  free dinner again at the Church here in town, but, I don't like to repeat that I go twice a week to the weekly 'free dinner' every week. Though, I like going there, and they serve nice and good food. What about talking about that I got early up this morning? But don't I do that everyday? I mean I get up everyday early, just before 6:30 or 7:00. Yeah, but this time I took a early shower, but, didn't I do that aswell yesterday? And the day before? Aarrghh! This is just a day with a black out, there's nothing to write or post.

I'm just waiting for my mail and then I can continue. What mail? Just a few mails that Gak confirms with the extra money (I doubt it) and then another mail from the ING with confirming with my new address. So, yeah, not that much today, Ooh wait! I just had a E-mail from a New York department, they want me to be America's next top model! Gosh I'm so happy!  LOL! See you and write to you tomorrow!  

My ever changing moods...

My ever changing moods...

I didn't slept so well, I couldn't catch my sleep last night. Something kept me awake, just a few thoughts I was struggling with. I was awake early, at 5:00 I woke up and turned around and around. 6:30 I got up and had a quick shower. I made breakfast and went on the laptop for a bit, just to kill some time for my appointment that I will have at 9:15 am. It's time to go to a next level, meaning, taking more time to do things. And not escape to the computer, to see if my friends are there, or Saf and her kids. 

I was thinking about this last week. Like I said yesterday, I'm ready, I calmed down. I'm proud of myself what I accomplished so far. I want to take a little distance from Saf aswell, I guess  it will be better for me, or for us both. It will help me and maybe help her aswell to move on and settle our own lives. I hope that this "little distance" now from Saf doesn't keep us separated from being friends, because doing this does, not mean that I'm  in a fight or in a argue with her.

I need to move on with my life and build things up again, no more sad or miserable feelings. I will take one step at the time, little steps towards some goals I want to reach. These goals are finding a nice house, get a proper job, and become (filthy) rich! LOL! Once I reach that goal, I would like to travel or join a sport or a club and just enjoy myself. For now I think it'smore then clear that I'm still in a process of grieving  and missing feelings. Because how long has it hasn't been that long since I was in Canada. One and a half month, and I spend such a long time with them. I spend 24 hours daily for almost three years with Saf and the kids, I still remember the first days we met. 

Maybe it gets boring if I keep bringing this up but, these little three years made a very deep impact on my life, I keep saying it. And now .....now there is this huge distance between us, being alone again is not fun. Here at Humanitas they have a goal for me aswell, they talked about building up a "new"connection of friends again. Well, I'm not ready for that yet, cause that will be tough. I really hope that people understand where I'm going trough now. Be patience with me, cause, everything will be fine again, it just takes some time or alot of time.
On with this day, my appointment at Social Services went well. 

They offered me a coffee, and we all sat down. The guy who helped me asked me some information and I could answer every question easily. This appointment was about getting some extra money, cause I'm under the minimum wage. Although it went easy it felt a bit like a puzzle too, so many things he had to know. What is your working past? How long were you un-employed before you went to Canada? When did you came back from Canada? Etc, etc. The talk lasted more then thirty minutes and then the guy sent me to another guy. 


This other guy asked me no questions cause he already had the answers from the first guy who spoke to me. He was friendly, and gave me instructions in what to do next. He gave me a bunch of papers and told me, "These papers need to be filled in and returned here at the office within seven days." He told me aswell to bring some copies from my bank account, from Humanitas, and from Gak, plus my passport. And that was it, I will fill the papers in and make some copies and return them. Only the copies from the bank will be a problem, cause Social Services asked me for my monthly bank statements from six months ago. 

Well,  I don't have those statements, I stopped with my bank statements when I went to Canada for good. I went to my bank (ING) after my appointment and ask them how to get these bank statements, and they told me, "That's not possible." I needed first to change my old address to the new address where I live now, if that is settled, I will get a mail back from them and THEN I can ask for the bank statements. ING told me I should get a liability insurance aswell, it was only three Euro per month, I agreed. 

What a puzzle, but things will be solved, it only takes some time. Sometimes my head is full, I think I should get a agenda. Writing things down what has to be done, organize things, I like that. I wish the weather would get better soon too, the sun is good but still streaming cold. I wanna get out and do things.  Friday night me and two others guys, have decided to go do some cooking here in the kitchen on the second floor. Fish will be on the menu, me and him will pay each five Euro, and off to the shop we will go. Tomorrow, (Saturday) another guy asked me to help him with some furniture to move to his new apartment, I told him that I will be there.  I'm moving on!

Dave Gahan-Hold on(acoustic performance)

You keep sending me all these things
I'm learnin' how to smile
You keep sending me all these things
I think I'll stay a while

Tried to talk to you in my dream
You looked at me and smiled
Your smile said to me
I'll have to wait a while, I have to wait a while

Hold on, you opened my eyes today
Hold on another surprise

You keep giving me all these things
I see them in your smile
You keep giving me all these things
I think I'll stay a while, I guess I'll stay a while

Hold on, you opened my eyes today
Hold on another surprise

Hold on, hold on, you opened my eyes
Hold on another surprise

Hold on, you opened my eyes today
Hold on another surprise

Good day Sunshine...

Good day Sunshine... 

I'm in need of some positive boosts, and once I have them I got to keep that boost! Positive talk or positive messages, is what I use. Something that wakes me up and gets me going. Yesterday I was getting a nice message from someone and it woke me up. I know I'm moving on, sometimes it goes automatically, but sometimes I just need that (firm) kick in da butt.

Ofcource it's still there the 'missing them' part, but I can't keep going on missing them. I need to stop being a 'sad man,' stop whining, show them what I got. I think I'm ready! I'm sure that Saf and the kids rather see a happy me, then a sad me. They will feel more happier and comfier when they know I have landed on my own two feet, and can move on with my life. We are both moving on, although I'm going just a bit slower.

This morning it was cleaning time again, (chores) and I really went for it. I swiped and whipped the kitchen/dinning room floor, and swiped 4 stairs plus the downstairs floor. I was tired afterwards but satisfied,  it looked much cleaner then before. Should I be ashamed that I like to clean? It seems no one likes to clean here, LOL! It's a gorgeous day with lots of sunshine, but there's a streaming cold wind outside. I went out once to buy some grocery, and I think I'm done for the whole week with shopping for food.

The 40 Euro what I weekly from Humanitas get is just enough, I should stop buying these extra treats, LOL! Though I always look what is on sale and what is cheaper. Cheap is sometimes good but not always. I know now what stores I have to go for groceries, and they are all walking distance.

Today I had a meeting with Paula my project leader from Humanitas, she told me that everything is going as planned. I told her,"But why does it feel to me, that it's much more then I expected?" She answered, "Cause your not used to this situation, you never been in this." She told me that, it's just a little thing for her, "I have seen much worse," she said. Me and Paula meet once a week, to see how it's going and how far we are, and what still has to be done.

Tomorrow I will have a meeting with Social Services for the extra needed money, I'm still under minimum wage. Social Services will take care of that, otherwise they wouldn't have invite me. My health insurance is all settled aswell, I have delivered my payed debts from the dentist and for my medication, and in three or four weeks I will get 75% of the being payed money back. I signed in today at a housing corporation in Almelo, the city where I am now, they will find a house for me, that might take a while but it's a start.

I want to sign in at more corporation's, to get more chances to live somewhere in the neighborhood. I don't want to go back to my old village 'Nijverdal,' I want to start with a fresh, new life, and not the same ol' same ol' again. It feel like I'm on a mission! Thursday I will have a look at my first new job, Paula is coming with me, she told me. This 'job' it isn't a pay job, but just a kind of a job-project to see what your able of, or just a day-filling, it's all new for me. I'm 80% excited and 20 % nerves.

Meaning I'm ready, I have calmed down, and had my rest. Everything is going well, although it always takes time. For example you can't ask for an income or a house and then get it right away, such things takes time. I can sit and wait for things, but I can aswell do something use full, I'm going to work. it's only for three days in the week, when you succeed there and your having a good time, they will look further for you for another job. That's why they call it aswell a project.

Things are going well, but still I'm taking it slow. Today I was thinking at houses, "How am I going to pay for it, or how wil it be, living on my own again and where?"  All these thoughts are not necessary right now, first I need to get my income in order, pay my debts and get my extra money. And then I can slowly start to think of houses. I need to live day by day and not think of the future, the future will come by itself.

Now if you will excuse me.... I hear my laundry is done. See you tomorrow!

A Sunday well spent....

A Sunday well spent....

There is not much to write today, I have been relaxing. I got up early again, Do I ever need a clock? LOL! Everyday I wake up the same time, it's been always like that. Aswell in Canada, I was always up first, sometimes before the kids woke up or after. Sometimes they woke me up with there loud noises, but hey! There kids, what can you expect. Right? 

I got up at 7:00 and took my medication (for my thyroid) After that a tiny breakfast, and then relaxing on the laptop. I wasn't feeling so well, perhaps I was still tired from yesterday's enormous bike ride. My stomach was hurting, and I didn't need a big breakfast. Like I said before, there is not much to do here in the weekends. It's quiet, and most people are out or in there rooms. Shall I go out? No! I'm relaxing, and spending a day inside.

Yesterday I was thinking to change my little room around, and today I made a start. When you open the door to my room you saw right away the bed, and I didn't like that. Where the bed was standing, there is now the chair and the desk, the huge closet stand next to the desk, around the bed is much more space now. I will show you how it is now with some pictures...

Where the chair and the desk were standing first, stands now the bed.

The little tiny fridge has more space now, first a huge closet was standing next to it.

 The huge closet, where use to be the bed was standing.

 The desk, I have to organize it better LOL!

 And I need to buy some more fruit....

I'm happy with the big windows, it's a very small room, so all good for the big windows.I got two of those.

















The Sunday is almost over, and I'm happy with it. Weekends are boring here, you really need something to do during the weekends. This week I will sort out my money and income, cause at the moment it looks like a unsolved puzzle. And maybe in the end of the week I might get some work, Humanitas asked me about it, it's actually all kind of work and they want to see what your able off, it's like a day-filling aswell. We will see what this week brings. See you Tomorrow!

Floating trough the days...

Floating trough the days...


You can compare this day with yesterday, a bit of the same feelings of 'missing them'. Like people  say, sometimes you have good days and sometimes you have bad days. Today I forced myself to do something, and that went okay. I don't like forcing myself, cause it always end up just as how I felt before or maybe worse. What did I do? I stood up at 7:00 am, had a shower and made myself breakfast. A few hours later I jumped on my bike and headed of to Nijverdal. (Woot!) I had the wind in my back, it was a cold wind and it was grey. 

While I was driving I thought about going to my Aunt aswell, and not only my Dad. The thing was, my aunt lives more in the east of Nijverdal and my Dad more in the south. So, it was a bit of a round trip, with lots of up-hills. My Aunt was surprised when I came by, "Come on in," she said.  While we were sitting down she asked me about the money from Gak, cause there was some misunderstanding (as always wityh Gak). two weeks ago Gak called my Aunt, and they told her that I'm getting twice a paying per month from them. 

In the month of January I haven't got any money from Gak, now they are telling me that I have the 'right' to that January money. Gak sent 'that' money to Humanitas, and they told my Aunt that Humanitas has to pay my debt with 'that' money. (The debt from my staying at the summer house) The second paying is for the month February. From what I know was that I only got one paying from the month February, and that was it. I will inform the Humanitas office about this coming Monday. It's all so confusing.

From my Aunt's house I went to my Dad's, and I was already so exhausted, "I won't stay that long." I thought. Dad was alright, he always ask if I got my bicycle back, the one I shipped over from Holland to Canada. I explained him so many times that, that bike is broke now an still is in Canada. But he keeps asking everytime I visit him, I think I should tell you readers what happened with my bicycle. This bicycle came from Holland to Canada with two child seats, one on the front and one on the back.  


One day, Ab and I were planning to go for a little ride on my bicycle, and I asked him, "Where do you wanna sit, on the back seat , or on the front seat?" He replied, "Back." And there we went, it was a nice day. Sometimes Ab can't sit still while I ride, he moves then his feet while I'm ridding, I told him to be carefull. Suddenly just before I wanted to stop for the traffic-lights, he went flying of the bicycle! I thought, "What is going on?" Ab and the child seat went flying and landed on the ground, thank god he had his helmet on and the child seat catched the fall. 

Ab cried but he didn't had a scratch, thank God! The fall must have been such a shock for him, poor Ab. I'm sure he got his toes between the spakes of the wheel, 8 or 9 spakes were missing. I picked up Ab, and put him on the sidewalk. The poor little fellow, he stopped crying already, but I felt sorry for him. I told him that it's going to be alright, and that he's brave. We decided to go home for some candy. We had to walk cause the bike was to damaged to ride, darn! Things like this can happen, and I'm glad that Ab was okay. Another  reason that kids always have to wear helmets while riding there bikes! 

Back to my bike ride...


On my way home the wind got stronger, and I had to lay almost flat on my bicycle to not catch the wind. I was exhausted, and decided to make a stop when I saw a little supermarket. I bought a few grocery and took off again. The last few miles were tough but I managed it. I was glad I was back in Almelo. I won't be planning much tonight or tomorrow,I think I deserve some rest. I heard some good news aswell today, one day before I went to Humanitas, I bought Noor a little present for her birthday. I bought her one pair of earrings and one bracelet, plus a little birthday-card. 

I put it all in a envelope and send it to her, it would take two weeks to deliver the present in Canada, Barrie. So, I guess I was on time. Today Noor told me she got the present and she was very happy with it. A bit to early, but okay. Better early then late. I was happy aswell when it arrived, I was kinda concerned that it wouldn't. I wanted the gift to be a suprise, but I would have asked a few days before Noor's birthday if she had looked already trough her mail. LOL! It's a nice thing to do, and I liked giving it.