Tasn!

I miss this little girl...

Geesh I'm so weak when it comes to kids, Saf's 7 year old stole my heart the first time  I saw her, and still does. Before Saf and I met we did our chats on the computer, and we used sometimes the webcam. The little kids loved it! Specially Tasn, she made funny faces and asked me many questions. Her first question was always about getting her gifts, LOL!

The first time I saw Tasn, she was shy. Saf picked me up from the airport together with Dako, Noor and Cle, from there we went to Saf's friends, to pick up Ab and Tasn. It was weird to see them when you know them only from the webcam, it looked so unreal. Tasn took place in the backseat and was quiet. (shy) I looked a few times behind me to look at her, she laughed and blushed. Thinking of that moment makes me missing her.

 Later on she talked, and I can remember her bad tempers what she so now and then had. Always complained about the food in the morning, It was funny though. She cried sometimes so hard when she had a temper, that I felt sorry for her, I always walked towards her and tried to calm her down. I still did that the years that followed. We have so many good memories.

I remember that I was afraid of her tempers or her naughty behaviour. Specially when they let me babysit her, Oh dear, what will happen? will she tear the whole house down? I got used to it in the months that followed, and I got along with her very well. I learned her things, like riding a bike, what almost seemed impossible when I first saw her trying to ride a bike. I watched her grow, and I watched her learn many things. 

                                                                           Tasn~

                                                           A tiny little angel
                                                   that always is in bloom
                                              you brought me so much light


                                               your cuteness is so stunning
                                                  your smile makes me melt


                                              I was proud to be your Daddy
                                                      it's the best I ever felt


                                                  Oh perfect little princes
                                                         With you I'm lost


                                               Every night before I dream
                                                   I thank the lord above
                                              To know someone like you

Get me out of this misery...

Get me out of this misery...

The future doesn't seem so bright at the moment, I shouldn't be thinking this but I can't help it. I'm waiting for response from my counseler, and I'm waiting for response about my income. It's difficult when your only can keep contact trough a laptop, if I want to call some people I need to go to my Dad, and he lives 30 minutes from me. I messaged the people from Humanitas, (yep, I'm going for it) and told them my situation, and asked them what they could do for me. The response frightend me...

Hello Sjon,

Social work could sign you up for a 24-hour counseling process if you have multiple problems, as you told. However, the Goverment is Partly Responsible for placement. Upon notification by example, MWD has a planned intake to Assess were there there is a basis for placement assistance. The Additional costs can be recovered by Nijverdal .

If you do not want all this then there  is directly a sign of  homelessness, you can use a night shelter provision. It costs 6 euros per night and you have a place to sleep. During the day you can go look for other housing. If there is no place in Almelo, we will refer you to Enschede. At the Salvation Army or Wonne.

Right! So, yeah this actually scares me and it makes me nerves and concerned. It's so easy now to get visions of me walking down the street being homeless, and I just can't help it. I don't want this, and I'm kinda lost.

The tide turned a bit....

Though the tide turned just a little bit. My plan was to go to my Dad, to use his phone, (again). He was sleeping in his chair when I arrived, and I knocked softly on his door. He woke up and said, "Hello," I sat down and had a little talk with him. It was time to make some phonecalls, first my counseler, cause it's been a while since I heard from him. He wanted to contact me as soon as posibble he told me that last Monday, but no sign from him yet.

A lady answered the phone and she told me that my counseler will be back Friday. Sigh! "That's late", I thought, "Can you leave a message"? I asked the lady. That was alright, and I told her, that I need my counseler cause I don't know what to do, and that I didn't hear from him yet. I told her aswell that I contacted 'Humanitas', and that I need him to contact the people there. "I will sent your counseler a mail, right away", said the lady.

I was concerned cause everything took so long, the counseler and my money. I didn't feel so well at my Dad's, I was dizzy and tired, I did not wonder why. The next phonecall was to 'Gak', my monthly money income. And again they told me, "The letter still didn't arrived, "You know it takes 7 days for a letter to arrive, and after that we have to discus the letter", the lady told me. I talked a little while with her on the phone and complained that I really need income cause I'm broke.

The lady felt pity, and understood my situation, but she couldn't do a thing about it. She was nice and appoligized to me. I drank my coffee, and decided to go to a 'uitzendbureau' that is a agency where they look for jobs, you can register or sign yourself in, and the people there going to find jobs for you what will suite you. So, thats what I did and then went home. I needed rest and nothing else. Just a day off with no worries or look for houses, jobs, etc. Nothing!

I arrived at home and opened my laptop, I saw a few mails and was suprised to see that one of the mails was from my counseler. He told me that he got in contact with 'Humanitas' and that he wanted to sign me in for a 24 hours project. My counseler wants to see me on Friday at 10:00am. "Finally," I thought. The counseler told me aswell that I should keep searching for solutions for your problems, and that I should keep begging for extra money by the goverment.

I was happy with the contact, My problems aren't solved yet but, atleast I got some help. So, Friday I go to my counseler, and I will call 'Gak' again. And if they still don't recieved my letter,  I will try to get some extra money from the goverment. Today I dared to look on my ING bank account, it said, 16 Euro and 50 Euro cent! I could have guessed this but I wanted to be sure.

My Horoscope...

Keep your mind on the present, Aquarius. As much as you'd like to be somewhere else, your daydreaming is getting out of hand. If you're sincere in your desire to explore other lands, begin some research. For now it's better to focus on any problems that make you want to run away. Open a dialogue with anyone with whom you've had a misunderstanding. You will find this brings immeasurable relief.

That makes you think, right? It made me think, and some things in that horoscope were right. I still miss the Family, ofcource, cause it's still fresh. It's not even weird, cause, 2 weeks ago I was part of a full Family, and now I'm alone. The 2 and a half year I was with this 'awesome' family was not nothing, when I think of it. I lived with them and shared my life with them. I surely lived! And now being back here that hurts!

So, let me daydream for a little while, I'm sure I will get other things on my mind, when I have to focus on my future. I said a few times that my goal is to live somewhere else and not in my own village, (not the same ol' again) and I want to visit the kids and Safa in the near future, and don't worry horoscope, I sure will do my research first, when I visit Canada again.

Don't ya worry! But first things first!

I was thinking....

I was thinking.....

I was thinking last night that this blog really needs sometimes something  positive  and not always sad and negative writtings. I will try to end every post from now on with 2 positive things or thoughts.  p.s. I'm planning to write for a long time, and at the moment I'm going trought this proces. But this proces wont last a lifetime. so eventually the Sun will rise again on this blog, you watch and see!

I'm feeling a tiny bit better as yesterday, yesterday was a full day with lots of talks with counselers and not much time for myself. And a day with a bit of pain from the dentist, lol! I can tell you a rootcanal treatment sounds more painfull then it is. The dentist was a nice guy and comforted me so now and then. The only thing I have troubles with is to keep my mouth open for 45 minutes with all these dentist tools in my mouth.

I slept out today cause I planned not that much this morning. At 9 I woke up and made myself breakfast, and opened my laptop. I searched for some jobs with succes, I responded on them and now I wait for them to respond back. I have the feeling I can't do that much this week. My counseler wants to contact me these comming days. And then I will see what his plan is with me. He knows what I want, he has all the information he needs. In the first place I need a place to stay so I can come to rest and build up slowly my future again. And ofcource my income, I need money. 

Yesterday the other counseler talked to me about 'Humanitas', that is a project with people who help you out if your homeless. Sounds scary right?  That was my first thought too, I was thinking of homeless people from the street, drug addicts and thieves. But the lady told me that it isn't what you think it is. These people who are living there, are also in relation problems, ofcource there are other people to who don't have a place to stay but they devide the people in groups.

The staff at Humanitas helps you financially and emotionally, they help you with getting yourself on the right track again. Still it scared me and made me nerves. I thought, "I don't want this, and I don't deserve this." Now today I'm thinking a bit lighter about Humanitas. The good thing about the people there they help you moving on and besides that you get a room for yourself. The place where Humanitas is is not in my village but in another city called Almelo, that's a 30 minutes drive from here. Almelo is one of the city's where I would like to build up my future.

Today I went to my Dad to see how he was, and to pick up my clean washed laundry. My Aunt offered to wash some of my laundry. My Dad was okay and I took my laundry and went to the bank. I still had to pay the bill from the dentist from last night, I hoped I had enough money left to pay the bill. I needed 70 Euro and the money machine gave the message that I could only get 16 Euro. I sure didn't expect that!

"I'm broke, I'm out of money, what to do now?" I thought. "Shall I go into the bank and ask what's going on? Shall I ask my Dad for money?" Thoughts, thoughts, I went to the dentist and sat in the waiting room (I wanted to tell them that I can't pay them, maybe I can pay them at my next appointment) I waited 3 minutes at the dentist, but know one showed up. I had doubts and decided to go to my Dad, to tell him what happened. I was tired aswell and I just wanted to go home!

I wont ask my Dad for money, but maybe he offers me, I don't know. My Dad was a bit concerned but didn't gave me money, he told me to take it easy tonight. "It's fine, I'm going home", I thought. In such situations my "do not panic or go mad button" is on, "it is as it is, and I will try to figure out something," were my thoughts. It was such a long bike ride and the wind made it heavier. I cursed  a few times, cause of the heavy wind and my money problem. I did a bit of grocery and went home. Sigh!

At home I tried to get contact with my counselers and the  goverment trough email. I'm waiting for response. After my dinner I got concerned and thought about my money problem. I have never been in this situation, but I learned aswell that when you really in big trouble, then just keep going cause on a certain point it will turn around into a good or better point, meaning it will come good, hopefully.  It's a positive thought.

Something positive!

I was telling in the beginning of this post that this blog need sometimes something positive and not always the negative writting or sad writting. Well this day ended not really positive though, let's try this tomorrow...

Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Dream On

Bring me back....cause I can't believe I'm here...

Bring me back....cause I can't believe I'm here...

Monday was a full day, with lots of emotions and tiredness. And the day ain't over yet while I'm sitting here writting this post. Sometimes I  just think to myself, "Is this really happening?" or "I just can't believe I'm here." I'm moving slowly forward but not in a way I want.

I got up early cause I needed to be on time at the appointment for counseling, 8:30am I wanted to be there. I was afraid that I overslept, but I was on time. 6:30 I got up and thought, "If I don't get up now I will sleep longer, and miss my appointment." I was tired but ready to go, it rained a bit but not that hard.

When I got at the appointment I was right on time. The counceler shook my hand and said "Come on in." When he asked me to tell what the problem was, I told him that I wrote it down on a paper, cause it's such a long story. That was okay, he told me. While reading the paper I cried a few times and I thought to myself "I don't wanna be here, and I don't wanna read this, I want to be back in Canada, where I belong." Reading that written letter made me think back at Canada. 

 I had it hard, but continued. The counseler wrote it all down and felt pity. "I sure want to see you again", he said, and wrote down my email adress and phone number from my Aunt. (I still don't have a phone) He wanted to mail me back for a next appointment, and I thanked him. Then I went to my Dad for a little break, cause I still had a hour for my next appointment.

I nearly fell asleep at my Dad's, weird, cause usually my Dad falls asleep when I'm there. I sure needed a nap again after all this. It was 10:30am and I decided to go to my next appointment, the 'urgenty' appointment. It rained harder this time but luckly I had a umbrella. When I arrived, I had to wait long cause the 'lady' had another meeting. After waiting for 30 minutes, she came and told me to come with her to another room.

We sat down in a little office, and I told my Canada story again. She was a counseler aswell she told me, and I was happy with that. Again, I cried reading the written letter I made of my story, "It's so difficult", I told her, and she gave me  a glass of water. She heard my story and she wanted to help out. Together with the other counseler, where I talked to earlier, "I'm gonna contact him and I will speak with him about this, "After I spoke to him, he will contact you", told the lady.

Today I called aswell for my income, cause I wanted to know if they recieved my 'written letter' already. The first lady on the phone wasn't so friendly and she told me "What letter?! "we stopped your income, if you need a new income you have to ask for it again.". "Damn", I thought! She just didn't get it!

I waited 10 minutes and I called again, this time there was another lady who was friendly and she told me, that they didn't recieved the letter yet, but if we get it we will have to discus the letter with our staff and then we make a disicion, It's better when you call Thursday or Friday back. Sigh! I will call them Wednesday again.

I felt like crying, when I got home, but I didn't. I had some angry thoughts, cause I just can't believe that Saf would put me in this situation, "Why?" I thought. I sure understand why we broke up but, look at me now, I don't deserve this!  Sometimes I have these thoughts, and I know that such thoughts doesn't help me further, but I just can't help it. I guess it takes alot more time this proces then I expected.

I surely don't hate Saf, and she doesn't hate me. I have to get trough this and I want to get trough this. I want that in the end I will have a nice house and a nice life. So I can say. "Hey! it was all worth it". I want to be able to see Saf and her kids in the near future and have a good time as friends. Cause for sure we had our good times aswell.

Look at Saf and her kids now and look where they came from, she did so well, Saf  can be proud of herself, and you know what, I can say, I was a part of it! Good times!  I don't want to waste my time thinking bad of her after we broke up.  And that's a good thought, right? Bare and be patience with me in this proces.

Alright, the moment of the day was ofcource the dentist, I didn't look forward to it cause I don't like dentists, not personaly, but the drills, the smell in the waiting rooms, the nerves, I sure know better and nicer things to do then that. But I was in pain, and so I went. The good thing about it was that it was at 6pm, meaning I didn't have to be in pain from the drilling the rest of the day. First I was getting 5 anesthetic injections. and then the drilling started and I must say, it was a piece of cake and went pretty fast. No pain!

The root canal threatment went perfect, they putted a fake filling in the tooth after cleaning the infection, then next week I get another fake filling and then next time the real filling. The fake filling was a kind of a medicine. Ofcource the anesthetic felt weird in my mouth afterwards. It's hard to drink a coffee with a swollen lip, LOL! Next Monday the next threatment!

Missing the family....

Missing the family....

I know now what it is and I know how it feels to have a close family, it's the most important thing in life,the closeness and the warmth feeling, sigh! This morning I had a visit from My Aunt and Uncle, they told me they found a house for rent, and it's only a small 300 Euro in the month. Once a week we get in our village a little newspaper with houses for rent. But it's only for the people who are registred as a searcher at the goverment. You have to have a certain amount of points to vote on a house. Once your registred you get 1 point per month.


I am not registred yet but My uncle said "Take the paper with you, and showed it to the people where you have a appointment with tomorrow morning". That's an idea. Tomorrow I have a appointment, they want to look if I can get urgenty for a house (Urgenty is something what you get, when your in a certain situation,or your not able to work or, something like that) I will cross my fingers.


My Aunt and Uncle told me aswell that my Dad had it hard while I was in Canada, he still doesn't understand why I was going, and it's very hard to explain it to him. I should have contacted him more, or write more letters, said my Aunt. I should have, I know, I explained them that we had a very hectic and busy life in Canada and that I tried to write my Dad every month. I gave him gifts and sent him letters and photo's, but I guess I should have done it alot more.


There was so much going on with my life in Canada, we had 3 movings, and then there was the ex who showed up out of know where sometimes, creating havoc as always. Then there was me sometimes struggling with myself with my first ever relationship, plus being  a first time ever dad, was a experience aswell. But I'm not complaining, I had the time of my life in Canada! I was a Dad, although it was sometimes difficult, taking care of the kids was a bless.


The sound of the two little ones calling you "Daddy", was amazing! I had great times with Saf, and I can go on and on with telling more positive things. I learned alot, sure there was sometimes some issues and argues but it was good aswell. There is a huge difference living here then living in Canada, and I'm sure sure now that I'm not gonna stay here in my village. It's to much of the same ol'. Didn't I already said that? lol!

I decide to go to the sauna today, like I use to do on Sunday's for years. But I had doubts first, I didn't feel much of being with people or meeting people I know from the sauna, the people I know there will prolly ask things about Canada, and I don't feel like talking about it today. But I went and it was okay. It wasn't so busy and there were no people I knew from then. It was kinda boring, cause there were not much people.

I stayed for 2 hours and that's long enough, I was glad I was going home. Sometimes I rather be alone, then you can act the way you want to  feel, without putting a fake smile on and say, "I'm okay". Tomorrow will be a long day. I will be early up for the counseling appointment and afterwards the 'urgenty' appointment. I think I will be done around 12:00. Then heading home and rest,and then prepairing myself for the dentist. Ouch!

I say an interesting tread on a forum...

The 5  stages of grief... 

The first stage is shock and denial. This is the initial "I can't believe this is happening" stage. You may think or feel things like "Maybe we'll get back together" or "This can't be over".

The second stage is depression. In this stage you feel the sadness and pain associated with the loss. You may eat and sleep too much or too little, have crying spells, have little energy, and lose interest in things you usually enjoy.

The third stage is bargaining. In this stage you may be thinking "Maybe if I/she/he had done this or that then we would still be together" or "Maybe if I/she/he will do this or that,maybe we can make it work".

The fourth stage is anger. You may be angry with him/her, yourself, or both. Thoughts and feelings such as,"How dare she/he, or "She/He has really made a fool of me".

The final stage is acceptance. In this stage you finally let go and start moving on.

Sound interesting right? I can't tell wich stage I am in now, I think it's for everyone different. What I do know is that the stages are  recognizable, cause I noticed them. Sometimes I'm mad and sometimes sad, and yeah, sometimes I think, "maybe, if we should have done it like this or that", or "I should have done this or that".  Thinking all this doesn't help me further, it's over between Saf and me and I have to get over it and move on.

It will be a long proces for sure, cause I know myself.  (Tall guy with a small heart, lol! Saf was my first love, and it hurts knowing our relationship is over.

It's not easy to realize that you had a entire family and then all of a sudden there gone and your alone.... 'The word 'homeless' scares me'.

It's not easy to realize that you had a entire family and then all of a sudden there gone and your alone.... 'The word 'homeless' scares me'.

I had a good sleep, I woke up and saw sunlight trough the curtains. I looked at the clock and it was 9:30. (woot!) I had no plans for today only doing some grocery. I wish I had no complains and I wish I could see everything from the bright side, I sure need something positive. My head is mush and I need sleep. I will take it easy today, and tomorrow maybe to the sauna.

My Aunt is sending me E-mails quit alot this week, telling me what to do, (wich I already know) and keeps pushing me in things that is just impossible. Today she sent me a message telling me to go to the Goverment, and tell them about a house my Aunt saw in a newspaper. Well, it's Saturday and the Goverment is closed, and even though, you just can't go just like that and say "Hey, I found a house, can I live there?" My Aunt means it good but, aargghh! sometimes.

A little update about the things I have settled and not setlled:

I needed a Social Incurance, Well, that is settled, I filled in the papers and the lady sent in the mail. I think I will get a mail back saying it's confirmed.

I needed to become a citizen of Nijverdal, That is (I think) settled, they needed the letter from the owner from where I'm staying to improve that I'm really here. That letter I putted in the mail.

My monthly income,  pffeeww, that was something. I wrote the letter with the story what happened in Canada what they wanted and mailed it 5 minutes ago. They told me that it might take a few weeks.

A place to stay, so far no succes, I keep on searching on internet and have called brokers, but, it's difficult. This morning I looked again for cheap summerhouses and mailed a few companies. I'm waiting for response. Monday I have an appointment with a lady who's a member of the Public Housing. I have asked for 'urgenty' (people who are homeless or who are mental sick get usually a house faster) and the lady wants to see if I can get urgenty. Second, the owner of the house (where I am now) left the date when I have to leave open, when I filled in the papers. Maybe I can stay a bit longer.

I want counceling, I found some counceling and it's free, upcomming Monday is my first appointment.

Looking for a job, to be honest, I looked for it, but my body and mind is saying wait, I'm not ready yet. I'm not able to work yet. First I want to settle down and find a place to stay. If I would work now, I will end up getting depressed and have a huge breakdown, so, NO, to work. (Sorry Aunt)

Like I said, I didn't plan much today, My Aunt messaged me, if I could come there Sunday morning, so we can talk about my situation, and then later I could go to my Dad to have lunch. Well, I was planning to go to the sauna aswell. My Aunt lives 10 km from my place, if I go from my Aunt's place to my Dad that's another 6 km. from my Dad's to the sauna is another 6 km. That's alot of km's on a bike. I'm tired aswell, these last few months have been heavy on my heart.

I sended a message back to my Aunt telling them to come here. And they agreed. Let's see what they have to say.

Lenny Kravitz - Calling All Angels

It's tough!

It's tough!

Last night I almost gave up and thought "Let it all be", I didn't want to search for houses and jobs anymore. I wanted to have the feeling of, "It will come by it self'." I had  a feeling of madness aswell, seeing the family having fun with karaoke on Facebook, was a bit tough, but they move on aswell, ofcource, what else can they do, right? I need to move on aswell, but it's so hard! There is so much to do and I don't even know where to start, it's like a huge puzzle!

My wish would be, living somewhere else and start a new life, you know, what I mentioned yesterday, being away from it all, and start a complete new life. No same ol' again. But that sure ain't easy. I didn't plan much today, but at 8:30am, I went again. I really  needed to make a few phonecalls. When I arrived at my Dad's place he was sleeping, sitting straight up on the couch. I snapped my fingers softly and he woke up. 

After the 'hello', and 'how are you?' I asked my Dad if I could use the phone. "Sure", he said, I took the phone in the sleeping room again, otherwise Dad will get annoyed. The first phonecall was the goverment at the Townhall, I wanted to ask them if everything is settled with my citizenship. They said that they were still waiting for a letter, the approving/comferming from the owner of the place where I stay. They have to approve/confirm that I'm living there for a while.

If they get that letter, then everything is settled. I mailed the letter yesterday so that will be alright I guessed. Second I called to 'Gak', the company where I get my monthly money from. And what I was afraid of was true, they stopped paying me a while ago. Like they said at the  goverment, they tried to track me down, but couldn't find me while I was in Canada, then they signed me out automticly as a citizen. 'Gak' got a message from them and stopped my income. The lady on the phone told me to write a letter to us and tell exactly what has happend in Canada.

I knew what to do. One more phonecall to the Doctor, I asked them for counceling, and if that's possible in the state I am now. The doctor told me that you better get a health insurance first before starting with counceling, cause there pretty expensive. I said, "Okay". My Dad knocked on the door and asked me to stop with calling, pffeeww, he really gets on my nerves sometimes. My Dad is deaf, and if you explain him things he doesn't hear it. I putted my coat on and went off. First to the goverment, to see if I can get some income again, cause I don't know how long 'Gak' is gonna take. They told me 2 weeks, first I need to write a letter to them.

I have been to the goverment this week a few times for some extra money, and the guy who's always there knew me. He told me that you can't  get money now, you first need to work things out with the people from 'Gak', "Write that letter, show them you need money", said te guy. I was getting tired and hopeless. I even started to think of Saf and got mad again, I thought, "I really hope she knows what I'm going trough, cause this is more thougher then I expected, this is hell". Saf knows where I'm going trough," but she can't do a thing right now, only wishing and hoping the best for me. 

I knew after the break up that this was going to be hard and difficult, starting a whole new life sure isn't easy. But this hard? No! I was thinking "How could she do this to me"? "What was she thinking". I started to think negative, and that makes the situation heavier, I shouldn't think like that. It's wrong! The guy from the goverment gave me one tip, he told that some councelers are free here. And he gave me an adress. When I got at the adress a doctor told  me that his next appointment is on Monday between 8:30am and 9:30am in the morning. I knew that I wouldn't get help today, so, Monday is perfect.

"One last thing then I'm heading home",  I thought. The health-insurance, I had filled in the papers and the lady behind the desk corrected a few things and then it was all settled. It's a pitty that I don't have a phone, I always have to give my Aunts phone number. And on some file's you can't give your adress cause you don't have one. 


                                                                            

Anyway, I headed home after all that and decided to rest, when I get home. and so I did. I had lunch and went on the laptop. After lunch I wrote the letter to 'Gak', and posted it. I decided to stay home, and just relax. I looked for some jobs or houses on the computer, but that's hard to do, many sites ask for your income, but I don't have one. Or you have to pay, for a comment on a nice house that you just saw. After my Dinner, I gave it all a rest, just chilling with some TV and the laptop, playing some games and watch funny videos.  On facebook my Horoscope said this:

Lately you've been go, go, go. Perhaps it's time to slow down. Be easy on yourself.

I like that, and I will do that, cause I deserve it! It's been a hectic full week, I know I have to hurry with finding a place to stay, but I need my chilling and rest too, tomorrow another day!

Yesterday on Facebook a friend messaged me and told me....

I guess you should have stayed in Holland in the first place as you took a huge risk and from your comments on Facebook you seem homeless...........

The day I went to Canada was the right decison I made then. The word what scared me is 'Homeless', cause if you think of it, yes, I am homeless.... I hope not for long.

Good days and bad days...

Good days and bad days...

This day started of sad and lonely, you know... The hardest feeling happens when the day is almost done or early in the mornings. In the evening when I'm about to go to bed I have the feeling that I'm missing something, or someone. And it's the same in the morning, I wake up and know one is there, I'm alone. There's no Tasn, with half awake eyes, hugging me, or Ab who's begging for a chicken-sandwich in the morning. There's no Saf who wishes you a good morning, I can go on and on. I have been busy these last days, and achieved alot, but when I come to rest, then I start thinking of things, thinking of my time Canada. Friends of mine told me it's a process your going trough, and it is a process. I need to get trough this and I will. In this process I will have good days and bad days, there will be crying moments and there will be smiling moments. 

'They' will always be a part of my life, but the closeness with Saf is over, good friends is what's left, I hope. And I would be happy with that, in fact VERY happy! Ofcource there are thoughts of, "I can't believe this break up,"or "Why, is this happening to me?" That's all part of the process, ups and downs, but I need to move on. And I will move on, sometimes it goes by it self and sometimes I need a little push. I can stay till 31 January at the place where I am now, then I need to move again, Perhaps that I can see aswell as a little push, right? I'm on to my next challenge or perhaps something better, something better for my future. Today I went to my Dad early and from there I went right away to the dentist, my old dentist. My plan actually was to call some dentists from my Dads place, but, oh well, to much of a hassle. When I got there they knew right away who I was . 

I told them what's wrong with my tooth and asked what the repairing will cost. They told me that I can come back for a appointment at 3:10 pm today and the costs for one filling will be 60 Euro, maybe they will take a X-ray too, "It's best when you take 100 Euro with you." said the dentist. It was 9:30 am and I agreed with the appointment. My next plan was to do some grocery and then to my Dad and spent the time there till my dentist appointment. After my grocery shopping (I had quit a lot and it was heavy) I went to my Dad's place and there I got tired and sleepy. I nearly fell asleep and I wished for a long nap. "Your Aunt and Uncle are coming in 30 minutes", my Dad told me. And I thought that maybe they can bring the heavy grocery to my place. I shouldn't have bought it here, cause there's is a supermarket 5 minutes from the place where I'm staying. Anyway... I decided not to wait for my Aunt and Uncle...

I grabbed my heavy grocery and my bike and headed back. There is this huge hill between my Dad's place and the place where I'm staying. Usually I walk first and then cycle that piece. It was heavy. I arrived and went on the laptop for a bit, Saf signed into MSN and I talked with her for a little while. Feels good, talking to her. Even though we broke up, it doesn't mean we can't talk to each other, there's no hate. I needed a nap, and I took one, I think I slept for an hour. I felt better and opened my laptop again and checked my mails. After that I cleaned the room and the floor. It was 2:30 pm and there I went again on my bike. Again up hill for the third time and again I need to get back aswell, that will be the fourth time then. The dentist was already waiting and he took some X-ray's. He didn't had good news. He told me that I needed a new filling and two root canal treatments. 

That will take three appointments. I wasn't so happy with that but it was needed, plus I didn't wanna keep the pain.The dentist couldn't do anything today cause he had short time. Next Monday at 6:00 pm will be my next appointment. I'm not really looking forward to it, it's going to be painfully! And it will be painfully in my wallet. But okay, let's move on, I headed back and one more time that up that hill. I made some dinner and went flat on the couch for a rest. Tomorrow another day. I had one more phone call from my Aunt, sigh, she had a phone call from a lady, her name was Linda and she had work for me. I said, "Okay, and what is her number so I can call her back". My Aunt told me she didn't know, "You will have to look in the phonebook," she told me. Further she complained that I really have to look out for work, and that I  have to move on and that I can't go on like this. 

Sigh, ow well, my Aunt! Ofcource I know I have to move on and ofcource I know that I need a job, she might think that this is easy and that I don't do a thing, but, I do! In fact, when I was riding down the hill earlier I was thinking of my further plans. What I really would like is to live not where I am now, not in this village. I have been two and a half year in Canada and before that I lived all my life in this village where I am now. Being back here in this village brings me back to the same ol' same ol' add to thatthe  memories that Saf and Ab were here  for a visit. I don't feel a challenge here, I rather go somewhere esle, I know for sure that somewhere else are more oppurtinities. More then here in this village. I don't want to stay here. I'm going to find a new home in a new city, that is a  good challenge,  I want to go for that.

And that's my plan. Away from my Dad, (sigh) but most important away from my Aunt and Uncle, and my so called friends, they will never understand why I was in Canada.  I'm 42 and that's old enough that I can make my own descisions. And I will. What do you think?

Days are going slow...

Day's are going slow...


When I'm doing things it keeps my head of worries and the missing feelings dades away. Though I still miss them, Saf and the kids, ofcource that will take a long time to get that  feeling less. Sitting here alone now with my laptop in this quiet room is okay but I rather have for example Tasn next to me holding my hand, or having a conversation with Noor. Or just watch TV with Saf and the kids. I had  quiet a good sleep and I woke up at 8:00 am. At 9:00 am the lady from this place will come with breakfast, she promised me last night that she will bring some ,I wonder what it will be. I putted  my clothes on and made some plans for today, I guess it will be a long day again. 

Today I will try to get a social insurance  from the government, some grocery, a risk insurance,and perhaps some more, welfare is a good one too, I really need to get my income in order. Today I found out that I left my thyroid medication with the couple who threw me out yesterday, sigh! An option is to go there again to get them. But, naah, I will try to get new ones. A bit after 9:00 am  the lady came with a big basket, and it was quit alot! I was so happy with it, bread, jam, yogurt, milk, cheese, just everything. I saved alot cause it was to much for one breakfast. I asked the lady for a drive to my Dad's place, cause my bike stood there. "That's alright" she said. Nice!

I still had to fill in a paper to confirm I'm staying here in this challet. While confirming the lady left the date when I have to leave open, hm, okay! And on we went towards my Dad. I saw my Dad and sat for a while and went to work, first the social insurance, they told me that I couldn't get social insurance cause I wasn't a citizen of this village anymore. As soon as you have 'that' arranged I could get the insurance. Alright, from there I went to the Town hall and signed myself in as a citizen. It's hard when they ask me for my address where I live or ask for my phone-number, cause both I don't have. I gave up the address where I am staying now.The guy behind the desk told me something interesting, the government here didn't even know I was in Canada all that time , I forgot to sign out as a citizen. (Oops!)


"We tried to find you but we couldn't find you anywhere, until 'Public housing' told us you were, In Canada!" In March 2010 they automatically signed me out as a citizen, cause they gave up on searching. Then he showed me a list with some company and agency names. He says,"All these names here have recieved a message when we signed you out of this village on March 2010." One of the names on that list was 'Gak', the company that gives me my monthly income. Cause I'm not able to work a full week, then you get wellfare every month. What I so was so afraid of, came trough! The people from Gak, did not  known that I was in Canada all that time, cause I wasn't allowed to stay that long, I had to tell them! Sigh!!

Almost everything made sense now, maybe that's why I had these problems with the BMO bank in Canada. Did they shorted my money? Or even worse do I have to pay all the money back? I will call them tomorrow. Nerves? Oh yeah! It was almost 11:30, and I promised to have lunch at my Dad's place. He was already waiting for me. All the eldery people gather around in the dining room every day around noon. Dinner was nice, we had chicken soup, rice with sauce and veggies, and vanilla pudding after. I was tired and sleepy while eating, but I wasn't done yet. I needed to do two more things and then I will be heading to the place where I'm staying.I needed to get new thyroid medication, and I went to my old doctor. 

The assistants there helped me out. I thought, "I really need them no matter what price." But the price was okay, in total I payed a small 30 Euro. When I arrived at the pharmacy they warned me to get a social insurance, aswell, you really can't do without!" They told me, "I know," I said. I will work on that. I was happy with the new medication and went on to my last duty, groceries, I went to the 'Albert Hein', a nice supermarket where Saf and Abd went aswell with me a few times  when they were in Holland. I still see the child buggies riding where Ab was once in aswell. I bought some food and some other stuff, and went back where I'm staying. It was a long ride, atleast 40 minutes uphill, but yeah what goes up, goes down aswel. 

It was an okay day, and once I got home I relaxed and chilled. I made some sandwiches and something to drink and rested. Tomorrow I will need to call some dentists, cause my tooth is hurting, I think one filling popped out! and it's hurting. No fun. I wonder what I have to pay them for the repair. For now, I wish you all a pleasant good night and for my family and friends in Canada: 


The morning is just a few moments away.
Go to sleep and when u wake up,
remember me as a friend who is always there for u and never let you down.
 
Good Night.

Just can't believe it...

Just can't believe it...

I woke up and made some new plans while I rolled my head to the right. It was early, I thought, "first I will go to my bank, and I can use a bike aswell, and maybe a cellphone." Jo told me about it yesterday, there easy to get and cheap. I still have to look at a place to stay longer, and perhaps a job. There's so much to do, but first things first. When I came downstairs, Jo and his wife were already up, sitting on the couch. They had something to tell me, "Sjon, I think your to negative, the situation that your in is to negative for us. (he mentioned the word negative quit a few times) He went on, "We are happy and joyfull people, and we don't want negative people or negative things around us, my wife and I had a talk and we  made the decision that you have to go."

My heart sanked in my shoes, and I was waiting till he would say, "I'm kidding", But he didn't. If it was a joke, I wouldn't have like it anyway. Jo said, "You have one hour to pack your bags and I will call a taxi or I'll can drive you somewhere. My heart pounded, is this really happening? "There is no further discussion possible," he told me. He was very clear, with almost violent words. It scared me a  bit. There's no messing with him. I packed my bags and suitcases and went downstairs, the bags were feeling heavier, cause I was tired and out of strenght, I still thought "Is this real? "Am I dreaming?" Am I that negative?"I don't know, I was not negative, I'm just in a bad situation at the moment. Jo and his wife knew this! 

I was afraid to ask Jo if he was kidding while he did his saying, he was clear. I packed the last suitcase in a rush. I was ready to go (again) sigh! He said just before we got in the car, "Yeah, sorry Sjon, but we just don't want this," I replied, " I understand," and went quiet. It felt so weird going again, and why did he gave me only an hour to pack? Would he do something to me if  I wasn't done in a hour? I just didn't get it, we mailed so many times and many times Jo answered "No problem, everything will be fine." I told him about my situation many times in my mails,  he knew what kinda person he was getting in his house. He knew I wouldn't come to his house with a huge smile and dance and be joyfull. 

He knew that it would be a long proces, and now this all of a sudden. Jo and his wife were totally the opposite of yesterday. I was almost thinking up loud, but was afraid to confront it with Jo. He asked me "Shall I drive you somewhere or shall I call a cab?" "You can drive me to my Dad," I answered. That was my first thought, going to my Dad. The drive to my Dad was okay, I was quiet, and nerves to say the wrong thing. When we arrived Jo helped me with my suitcases and said, "Good luck." I replied with, "Thanks," but thougt,"You @ssh0le." I left the suitcases in the hallway, and went to my Dad's room. The elevator went up and there I was. Dad thought I came for a visit, but it was to early for a visit, it was 8:30am. 

I explained him what happened but he didn't get it, I knew this, cause he doesn't understand things so well. He's old and his hearing is bad. I told him the short version, I didn't ask him for help, cause he can't help anymore on his age. The time he helped out is over. From my Dad's room I called my Aunt and told her what happened. They were stunned and didn't get it either, "Why?" my Aunt stumbled. "They were so nice and welcoming". I had to get to work, and do things, it will be a long day. I took my suitcases upstairs and left them there for today, a nurse came into the room and said, "Hi, your back?" Again I told what happenned. and in the end she told me that I can't stay here.

Yeah, duh, I know that! I didn't want to saddle all my problems to my Dad and just stay here! But I can tell he's concerned, ofcource, I'm his son. I went walking to the nearest bicycle shop and tried  to get me a cheap bike. They had one but I had to wait till 5:00 pm. They need to prepair the bike first, It was 10:20 am and I confirmed. I will pick up the bike later on. From there I went to the Townhall/social services for some information about my income, I needed a place to stay aswell. When I got there, I told my story in short to a lady at the first deck. She told me to go to the 'work and income' desk, maybe they can help you there. The lady at that desk told me that they didn't sell or rent out houses right away, but there's a guy who can perhaps help you.

If he's done with the other customer, then he can help you. I had to wait. When the guy was done he came towards me and shook my hand. I told him my story and... he couldn't help me aswell, but he had some good tips. "Anything is welcome," I thought. He told me to inform sunmmer houses or perhaps call companies who sell houses, they  have sometimes aswell houses for rent for a spare time. It was nice talking to him, I shooked his hand when we were done, and I went on. Next visit was a friend of mine, it was a long walk but I think I got used to that in Barrie, Canada. I walked sometimes for miles, it's nice walking there. My friend wasn't home but his Mom and Dad wer. (The friend's name is Johan)

His mom opened the door and she looked at me for a moment. "Oh, Sjon your back!?" She nearly shouted, "Come in," she said. and she gave me a cuppa coffee. Nice, I could use a rest and I sat down and said hello to Johan's Dad, who was sitting in the kitchen. I told them both my story. They have a daughter living in Boston USA, she has three kids and is married. Johan's Mom showed me later some pictures from them, they have been in Boston aswell, so they know what traveling is. When I talked about Canada the Mom and Dad looked at each other a few times and were quiet. I knew that they were thinking that I'm gonna ask them probably if I can stay here for a month of three. 

But that was sure not my idea, I wanted to show my face and see how Johan was and his parents. After my coffee I said goodbye and told them that I will keep them updated, they were friendly as always. I went further to ' Public housing.' (that's a place where you can rent houses in this area, thanks wikipedia) The rain poored out of the sky while I was almost there, and I got soaked. When I arrived they gave me some papers to fill in, after filling it in I will come on a list. Every month I will get one point, and after, let's say 40 points, I'm able to pick a house for rent. I know it's going to be a long road, but okay, it's a start. Now, there was something new, some people who are sick or disabled have a shorter list. To get on such a list I will have to ask for 'urgenty.' These people can get sometimes a house right away. 

Now the woman told me that I could maybe get on the short list. They have to ask that to a certian lady who arranges such lists, but she's only mondays here. She made an appointment for me for next Monday. Sigh, so much to do! On my way back to my Dad I decide to go to another friends house, his name is Arie. He's a good friend, I spent almost a decade with him, he's a close friend. His parents are extremely nice aswell. They were happy to see me and I was getting another cuppa coffee, Arie's parents told me that he's out with his brother. His Mom asked me how I was and I told her that I'm okay and then I told her the whole story what happened this morning. They heard on my story and were friendly but aswell very clear. 

Arie's Mother told me, "Well, you went to Canada, and you probably should  have known that it could go wrong, you took step A, you went to Canada and now you have problems! Now you have to take step B." She went on, "But you have to take step B all by yourself cause we can't help you, you have to take your own concequences, I don't want to sound rude or mean, but we really can't help you." I got the message, oh yes! I told them that it was MY choice to go to Canada, and at THAT time in my eyes I made the right decision. And I still think I made the right decision! In every relationship happens somethings sometimes, issues or problems, and yes, aswell break ups.


Unfortunatly my relationship with Saf couldn't continue, but how could I have known what would have happen two years ago?  And now I have to take the next step and I will, I have to. I told them, "I wasn't here to ask for help or for a place to stay, but just to see how you guys were and to show my face". They understood but they stayed clear, They told me that it's better that you don't come here everyday, (I wasn't even planning)  you have to get to work, cause we have our own problems." I decided not to come back for a very long time, they weren't very welcome in there sayings. She sounded hard, although she was friendly and I understood her, but what is wrong in showing my face sometimes and telling them how I'm doing? 

Anyway, my Dad was waiting so I continued my trip. Dad was a bit worried, I could tell in his behaviour. He's nervous and slightly short breathed. When I walked in a nurse stopped me and wanted a talk with me. She told me that it's really tough for me this situation, but you really can't stay here, it's not healty for your Dad and we can see he has it hard now. Again"  I told the nurse, "It is NOT my attention to stay here, I knew that already this morning, and I know my Dad is worried. "The nurse told me, "We would like you to go, before 11:00 pm." I replied, "I will be gone before 11:00 pm." Duh, ofcource, I can't stay at my Dad's, I'm not dumb. It was time to make some phonecalls, dad does not like that, so I took the phone with me into the sleeping room, what a day! 

I called many, many summer houses and many, many brokers, (or how you call them) they all asked for my phonenumber, wich I don't have. I gave them my Aunt's number. In every phonecall I made I told them 'my story', and after the eight or nine phonecall with result 'none/zero', I had to lay down, even my Dad got nerves cause he doesn't like long phonecalls from me, he walked in and out the sleepingroom. sigh! When I layed down for ten minutes I was thinking of my life in Canada, I wanted a Family around me or just people who loved me, I experienced this at Saf's house. That is what I needed, Saf and her kids is what I needed. A family and that's all. I need love and attention at the moment, but I felt I'm on my own.

I had  a great time experiencing this Canada adventure though, ofcource with ups and downs. It sure wasn't easy, Saf told me on the last day "What you have learned now, you can take with you," and she's right. But still, they will always be in my heart, Saf and the kids!  Love you lots guys! I went on with calling, and the last call was finally a succes after so many phonecalls, I nearly died and gave up. It's a summer 'farmers' house, 20 minutes from my Dad's place. I was happy and nearly cried. They told me I could stay till 31 January, and it's 40 Euro a night, first we need to talk, the owner said. It was 6:00 pm and the lady said, "I will be there after 7:00, then you can come to have a look." I said, "I'll take it right away." I called my Aunt and told her the news.

She and my Nephew offerd me to drive me to the place. It was a bit before 7:00 and it was time to go, My Nephew and Aunt were ready too, and off we went, we took all My suitcases with us. I was a tiny bit worried about the talk the owner wanted, and slightly nerves about the room. "How will it be, and what do they want to talk about?" I thought. We were almost there and the car went into the driveway, it was a huge farm. The lady leaded me to my little complex, yes complex! No room! I saw the complex already from outside and it looks nice! When we went in I couldn't be happier, I liked it and looked forward to relax from this terrible day! After the owner explained me a few things about the house, we both agreed and I signed the papers. Yay!

My Aunt and Nephew left and I was alone and felt ugh, tired and a bit lonely, my first thought wass that Saf would love it here, when she wants to come for a visit in Holland, I'll take her here, maybe Tasn and Ab aswell. I explored the room and it looks more then nice. three beds upstairs, a two  persons bed downstairs, a little kitchen with everything, very nice design, big shower and bathroom, TV, a little open fire. Yeah this is nice, I hope I can stay longer then two weeks, here I can come to rest and get to work at the same time... Was it meant to be that I got kicked out of Jo's house this morning? I felt slightly a relief being kicked out.


It's been a long day, I will lay my head to rest.

Landed!

Landed!


It was an okay flight and it went pretty fast. I really liked the food on the plane, chicken and rice with broccoli, and a salad with lots of little apple slices. And as a snack a little chocolate cake, that was dinner. And as breakfast we had, yogurt (peach) and a little muffin. Arriving in Holland went fine, no huzzefuzz at the passport control, pffeeww. I overstayed the permitted six months in Canada big time. I wonder if customs is going to be difficult in Canada, if I want to come back for a little visit, I planned to come back for late summer or for  the Christmas holidays.

First I'm gonna check everything if I CAN come back for a visit, I need to know this a 1000% with no huzzefuzz! Once out of the plane I just did the things I had to do, I had slightly thoughts of Canada, though I hated being back in Holland. I got my luggage, and got my train ticket. This time without the 40% off, cause I stopped my '40% off' train card when I returned to Canada for good. Picking up the luggage went smooth. It's so weird to hear the Dutch language again...  Specially the people with that city accent, it's annoying, and at this time, I don't like it, everything looks so small aswell. 

The train trip was good and short, only those heavy suitcases were a bit of a pain. In the train towards my village I was getting nerves to see my Aunt and Uncle again, it's sure has been a while. They will pick me up from the train station., and from there we will go to my Dad's place. Getting out of the train while arriving was a pain with the heavy suitcases, I needed help from someone, so I asked. Then it was just waiting for a blue van, my Uncle's car. When they arrived I hugged my Aunt,what I actually never do, she wanted to shake my hand and I thought "Come one, I want a hug. 

I cried a little bit seeing them again. Then we went on our way to my Dad's place.Was I nervous? Yeah, just a little bit, I talked alot to my Aunt and Uncle, everything went so easy. We were almost there, there's  this nice path just near my Dad's place, it's near a forest and on the left you see little mini horses. It made me think when Saf came to Holland with Ab,two years ago in October. It was always nice walking there with them. When we at my Dad's place my Uncle went first in, to check if my Dad was ready.  He was! When I saw him the first thing what came to my mind was "He didn't change much," although he's getting older, 73 this year! 

I cried a bit and walked towards him, I hugged him and kissed his forehead. He was okay but I had it hard, we were both happy to see each other. He has so many pictures from Saf and me and the kids in his room. I looked trough them all with double feelings, it was nice to see the photos back. Funny thing was, my Dad was still wearing his Canadian  slippers on his feet what Saf bought for him when she came to Holland. But he needed new ones and asked me if Saf could get them for him. "Sure," I replied. He's getting old! After visiting my Dad's for an hour we continued our journey to the 'new couple', where I'm going to stay for a while. 

It sure was a hard place to find, the city was called Almelo and it's about 30 min from Dad's place.We were looking for the street for such a long time, and finally we found it (number 31)  I was nerves already, and when the man of the house opened the door I was stunned. He's big and tall, and has some tattoos, wow! We introduced each other and then me and him grabbed the luggage's and went inside. My Aunt and Uncle went on to somewhere else, they had a birthday party. "Heavy suitcases," said the owner of the house. His name is Jo, and talks alot. I felt a bit awkward being here and not in Canada, but he was nice and slightly understood where I'm going trough. 

Two and a half year in Canada is not nothing, I did so many things there that you easily get used to those things. I still miss the kids and Saf, we are SO far apart now and it's tough. 
Jo and I talked about staying here in his house, and explained me some rules. He showed me my room and it was small but okay, I have a place to stay. Jo talked about the rent aswell, and the food. He had an idea, "If you pay 25 Euro in the week you can get anything what you want what's in the fridge," meaning he or his wife cooks for me and I can make or eat anything what I like. I thought, "Okay," and I agreed with the deal. 

That makes a total then from 400 Euro in the month for rent and food, it was all fine with me. The rent was 300 in the month.I had mixed feeling this afternoon, first you feel sad cause you miss Saf and the kids, I had some crying moments but tried to hide it, and then you move on again. If I did something, like making plans for the next day or I unpack the luggage's, I think about it less. Although I had many times that I wanted to burst out in tears. Being with this couple feels good, but not for a long time, he's a very nice guy,and he always says "No problem." 

The lady of the house came later and I introduced myself, and she did too. She's a tiny bit different then Jo, she's a bit quiet, but friendly aswell. For dinner we had 'boerenkool with worst' a nice winter meal. After dinner I had a little nap and came downstairs again around 8:00. (coffee time according to Jo) Then I went to bed early cause I was tired, I made some plans for tomorrow. I have to ask Jo for a ride perhaps to my town, cause I need to arrange my insurance....and alot more. I fell asleep with in five minutes...

Fasten your seat belts....

Fasten your seat belts....


The morning went on and I tried to sit with the Family, but I was rather alone upstairs on the computer doing my own things. Tam was talking to everyone almost non-stop. I felt empty and tired, I wished it was 1:00 cause then it's time to go to the airport. I packed my last things and taped a few boxes. One more shower and then I'm done and ready.


Saf woke up around 12 noon, she took a shower and went downstairs. Everyone was downstairs and it was hectic. I took my last quick shower and went downstairs aswell. Saf pronounced that we are leaving in ten minutes, "Everybody prepair for goodbyes." When the goodbye was there it felt awkward and it was not actually what I had planned, I rather sat with every person for a small talk and then a goodbye. But there was no time for that, there was a bit of a rush, cause the driveway needed to be shoveled aswell cause of the  many snow.


I hugged everyone and it was just a quick hug, I told everybody to take care of themselves. Mar wanted to come for the ride but, I rather was alone with Saf so we could talk openly to each other. I told Mar that aswell but she was clearly not so happy with that, she went downstairs for a little while. She came back later for a hug and a goodbye. I hugged Tam aswell and I told her, "I can be such a pain sometimes, I'm sorry about last night". I repeated it a few times. The hug felt good and she told me "Yes, you can be a pain sometimes, but don't we all, you can be a good pain." I was happy she took the sorry well, I didn't wanna leave with angry faces.

It was time to go, I took the suitcases and putted them in the car. The driveway needed shoveleling cause of the huge amount of snow. Cle, and her friend offered to help out, I helped aswell. It was done in 15 minutes,and off we went to the airport. The drive was pleasant, good and nice. We talked alot about our relationship and my next further steps. It felt weird to leave the house, cause I knew I won't return back for a long time. I have been many times back and forth between Holland and Canada, but this time it's different. When we arrived at the airport Saf told me something funny "This is the same day my ex is flying to Egypt, also with KLM, but I don't know what time he leaves."


The check in went fine, only I had to pay 55 Dollar for the second suitcase, "Only one suitcase was permitted" they said. After the check in it was time for the handbag luggage's check, and that means almost time to say goodbye to Saf. She hugged me and said, "I thought I wouldn't cry but I am." I was thinking the same, I bit d my lips a few times, just to not to cry. Ugh men! LOL! I'm gonna miss you Saf! Saf said, "Take good care of yourself," and she held my hand. It was time to go and she let go of my hand, "One more kiss." she said. And I kissed her, I missed her kiss, and I missed her hand around me, it has been a while. It was time to go. She rubbed my back and said "Bye."


While walking trough the gate, I cried a bit, but I didn't care, ofcource I cried after what I have been trough the last two months. Everything is going so fast, it's been quit a few years here in Canada. I took one more look at Saf, she was still standing there behind the billboard. She's so tiny LOL, I had to stand on my toe's to see her and wave goodbye. Gonna miss her! Ugh, the handbag luggage check was a bit of a pain, and alot of work. I saw people taking of there shoes and belts. I started to untied my winter boots already, sigh, double knots. "That's a heavy bag," said one of the luggage checkers, he smiled when he said it. I told him "Cd's", he laughed. I had so much luggage.

On we went to the plane. Everything went so smooth and easy, like I have been here before. Ofcource, I have been traveling alot the last two  years. I'm a traveller. I bought a little notebook and a few pens to write some things down for my blog. I realized then that ball pens are rubbish from the Dollar store. They didn't work anymore after writing a few words. Sigh! When I saw the plane standing outside waiting for the passengers, I whispered,"Yes! it's  big one." (Boeing 747, I love them, the bigger the better) While waiting for to get in the plane, I thought of Saf's kids, I miss them... specially Tasn. Feelings of "I don't wanna go," or, "I belong with them,", or, "I lived there, that's my life."


One thing reminded me what Saf said in the car on our way to the airport, she said, "It was good that we ended the relation on time, cause if we would have continued like this, it would have gone worse, and ended it up hating each other". She didn't want that and I didn't want that either. Good friends like we were in the beginning before we met, that was a great time. Maybe I'm fooling myself with saying this but, sometimes I think, "Why didn't we solve things then, when it went worse with our relationship"? Would it have helped? I think it would, I don't know I'm just thinking that sometimes.


It was time to go in the plane. I was happy that I had a bit of spare time instead of having to rush. I was proud aswell, I made it! I found a place to stay and got my money together for the flight, and I stood trough the last two months. The last two hours was good with Saf, we both smiled after my leaving, and that's what I wanted. I didn't like my seat, I thought it was a window seat.But 58F was a seat right in the middle row, two seats further was the child section. I could hear already a kid cry, sigh! Next to me sat a old man with a long grey beard and a turban, Pakistani? Great!


I wish KLM made larger seats for people with long legs, I couldn't stretch them. The taking of went fine and I didn't even notice it, we were already  sky-high before we knew it. In the plane I had double feelings, these 'missing them' feelings and feelings of 'get over it and move on'. Saf told me she would be very happy if I would find another woman, I said "They all will never be the same like you." "Oooh, stop it!" Saf replied and laughed. My plan is to stay single for a long time, and if someone would cross my path, then I guess it's meant to be. Funny enough I sometimes think that I can't love another woman, I can't do that to Saf. And I can't do that to myself....


While flying I figured out that I needed some sleep, cause it's only a small seven hours flight. But it was so hard to sleep sitting up straight and have your legs in your neck. Anyway let's try again...


Sweet dreams Canada.