Monday went better then Thursday...

Monday went better then Thursday... 

Today went well with work, I finnished my butler-tray and finnished aswell the HUGE corner-couch, (see pictures) there was no nagging and insulting from Rob. Rob insulted me and tried to take away my motivation at work last Thursday, I had a little burst out towards him that afternoon. I told what happened though with Rob and me towards my Boss this morning, My Boss told me that it could be that Rob didn't like the work he was doing at that moment. Rob does most of the time the same work over and over, 'that' work was finnished last Thursday, so, he had to do something else, wich he didn't like. Then he gets annoyed and starts to tease weak people, childish! Rob talked to me normal today, he almost acted like nothing has happened, I did the same, it was fine, forgive and forget.

This couch is HUGE!

Today aswell my project leader, (I still don't know how you call such a person) visited me at work. She helps me looking for the right job, Her name is Agnes and she is a part of the staff from Reha. She wanted to know a bit more about my work/job past, I filled her in. Agnes asked me awell how it was going at work, I told her it's going very well, I really like it here and I learn alot. Considering going back to a metal working job is out of the question, It's just to heavy for me, and it's been such a while since I worked in the metal. Although I have four welding diploma's I don't know, but for now it's a "No." After Agnes asked me a few more things we went to my work place, she would like to see what I made so far at Reha, I showed her three butler-trays and the 'new' corner couch. Other stuff I made was sold last week.

My Boss showed up aswell while I was talking to Agnes, he joined the conversation. My Boss told Agnes that I did a good job and that I learn quickly, he saw my growing in my job. I only have a few min points according to my Boss, I forget things easily, and paying attention I have to learn a bit more. Technicly I have to grow more aswell, now there were a few things I didn't agreed with my Boss. But I letted it be. I should have said something though, show more my assertive side. Now working with my Boss isn't always a pleasure, he is the Boss but actually he is the Boss on the office, officially a office worker. We really need a second Boss who helps us out,  a Boss who has more skills in this job. My Boss knows what he wants and knows what has to be made, and he knows how he wants it, but doing it is a bit 'hmm, hmm.'

Lots of wood!

Sometimes I see him working while we work together, or he helps me. Then I see sometimes the mistakes he makes. He doesn't look on a centimeter or two, he isn't that perfectioned what sometimes is needed. He does his best but he's doing it to fast, "Ah that's okay," he says then, while it's not. My Boss makes sometimes mistakes when he's working on something with me, and I see his mistakes. Later on he tries to shove his mistakes towards me and tells me then in a friendly way, "See what you did wrong? Next time it's better that you do it this way or that way." My Boss tries to teach me something then, but trough 'his' mistakes it goes wrong and I get the fault. (Be more assertive Sjon, speak!) I do not hate my Boss, he's a really friendly guy and does his best for me, but he belongs on his office.

Another example, my Boss helps me out to much, he overreacts, although he means it good. This afternoon I was making a table and when he helped me he made almost the whole table, I thought, "Hey I like this work let me do it, and I need to learn this aswell." And I know that he will make mistakes, or he will explain me things what I already know. Maybe my Boss tries to make me be more assertive and want me to speak up.Let's try this tomorrow. I like the work that I do, I like to be neat and correct in the things I do aswell. I want to learn things and I'm at the right adress for that at Reha. I feel a challenge!

Sunday,sunday, sunday.

Sunday, sunday, sunday. 

There's not much to tell about this day, the keyword for this Sunday is and was 'rest.' I felt exhausted, I took two naps. That will do it for today, otherwise I won't sleep tonight. I did my last laundry and that was it actually for this Sunday. Tomorrow I will be working again, I hope that Rob, the one guy who was insulting and nagging at me last Thursday afternoon calmed down. I don't want a afternoon like that again, I had a little burst out, cause I really had enough of him. I can take a few jokes but he went on almost the whole afternoon, not nice. If Rob goes on tomorrow I think it's best to keep it short towards him and then ignore.

Today for the first time I have been looking for houses online, it's not so easy to find a nice house though. Paula told me to look for houses for rent with prices beneath the 500 Euro, well I found a few but in my eyes not enough. I reacted on them, but that doesn't mean I will get the house right away. You can compare it with picking a (house) reacter out of a box. Let's say ten people react on one house, then one reacter who might be the right person for that house is the lucky one. (excuse me for my English explaining, lol) While I was searching for houses online I saw alot of flats to choose, but I have doubts about flats. I know that every flat is different though, and I know also that there are very nice flats aswell. But still.

Either way I made a start with looking for houses, and that's pretty good I think. It's a step forward but I could use some help, upcomming Wednesday I have the next appointment with Paula, perhaps she can help me searching or give me tips. It's also a problem that I don't know the city Enschede that well, I know the way a bit, but if people would tell me a streetname then I don't have a clue where it is. And I don't know what kinda neighborhood it is, is it full of crime? Or is it a nice neighborhood, or maybe a poor neighborhood? I don't know all this. Maybe I should have a look one day in Enschede. 


Still I'm a bit nervous to live on my own again, it's difficult to describe why I am nervous. It's like a said a next step forward, I have been here at Humanitas for five months now. At Humanitas you have most of the time people around you, just like I had most of the time people around me in Canada. It will be different when I have a place for myself again being alone, I can be alone cause I have been for years alone, but do I want that? Or do I want to have people around me again? Yes and no, let's say a bit of both. It's good for me to communicate with others, having people around me. I have to build up my friend connections, starting with new friends or new collegas. 


But how do you do such thing? You join a club or a sport and then ask someone, "You wanna be my friend?" LOL! Naah, I think it just happens. Ofcource I have to get out more and join that club or sport or whatever. Sigh! Sometimes I think to myself, "Yes! Let's do it! Find that nice house and enjoy your build up life again, achieve your goals!" But sometimes I think, "Ugh! I don't feel too, let me be alone." It's the sad thoughts I have sometimes of the proces I'm going trough, that negative thought of, "I had it all, a nice house, living on my own," then the journey to Canada, to a lovely Family and a lovely girlfriend, it's all I ever dreamed off, I had it all, but I blew it!" "And now I'm here, pulled away from that lovely family and that lovely girlfriend. And it all went so fast, it's not fair."


Ofcource I know I should not think that way, but sometimes it goes by itself. Hopefully these negative thoughts will vanish, I'm sure it will, cause I know these thoughts WON'T help me further. I'm sure aswell that Saf will like it when I'm all settled and reach for the goals what I want to achieve, and be happy again. I should be proud of myself what I achieved already, and I am! Then again, I want to take it slow without any rush, overlook things so I can see what is good and what is wrong.

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." 

A new day, a new dawn, a new beginning. It's a sign on a painting somewhere in the hallway of Humanitas, everytime I pass it I read it. This morning I red it too cause I had an appointment with Paula. Our weekly appointment, she always takes two hours for her residents. Every resident has his or her own counselor, otherwise it gets to much for one counselor. Paula was busy, she told me that her husband was worried about her and he told her that she had to take it easy this morning. Paula is two weeks pregnant, I told her that I would have say the same thing. Every husband should be more worried or be more considerate then ussual when your wife is pregnant, right? I know I would be, when I saw Paula running from left to right I told her aswell to take it easy. But she knew what she was doing, she was only two weeks pregnant, nothing to be worried about already.  

The appointment was going well, there was not much to talk about. Everything is going smooth, I should congrate myself cause I'm officially guilt free! YAY!! Now it's only focusing on a house for myself and get my living stuff together. I will be searching online for houses, with that I will get the best chance for a house. The searching will be in two cities, Hengelo and Enschede. Enschede would be very nice, it's such a nice city. It has culture, antique, nostalgion and many shops, I always call it 'little Amsterdam.' Hengelo is nice aswell but Hengelo is just not Enschede. Enschede has more options then Hengelo. So yeah, I'm crossing my fingers on Enschede. Although Almelo (the city where I live now) would be nice too, cause I know this city a bit now. It's been a long while since I been to Enschede, I should go there one day just to have a look again. 


I spent two hours with Paula and it was nice being with her, I told her aswell about my mini little afair with Ina. She really didn't expect that I would fall for Ina, and me kissing her? That was so not me, Paula told me. Well, Ina started with the kissing and I stopped her cause I had doubts. And falling for her, hmm, I think it was more the attention and the warmth she gave me that evening I fell for, I missed the warmth and the attention. I learned my lesson and one thing I surely learned was that I'm not ready yet for a relationship. And second, Ina is 'no way' my type. Ina is nice and funny, we get along well, but that's it. When Paula heard my story about Ina and me she told me that I am 'considerate,' in a good way. "But," Paula told me, "Don't be to considerate." I knew what she mean. 


Memories~

You know what I notice lately?  That my memories of the time being in Canada seems to fade away, or am I just thinking that? I have been focusing alot on my future the last four or five months and it seems I forgot about my time in Canada, I'm not thinking about that time anymore that much and the funny thing is, it worries me, lol! I have been almost two years in Canada! Hello! That's been for me a miracle! Me, almost been knowhere, never travelled so far, almost always spending time alone. Just a few friends and my Dad. If you would have told me four years ago that I would travel to Canada spending almost two years with a nice lady and her five kids, I would have laughed so hard, I wouldn't have believe it. I had a great time, and it is/(would be) a shame that my memories of that time in Canada, spending time with that Family would fade away. 


I still love them and care about them, although Saf and I are seperated. I will not forgot them! I know aswell we won't be together again. But that doesn't mean I have to forget them and forget my time in Canada. Canada was my great adventure, Saf's Family was a bless! They will always have a special place in my heart. I will continue building up my life again, and I'm already so far. I never would have thought I could manich this all, but I did! Were not there yet, but that will come. I'm on a journey and will not sit on my bum like I use to do, I have goals that I want to achieve. And on my journey to these goals I will take the memories of my time in Canada and my time with Saf, Ab, Tasn, Mar, Noor and Cle! Love you still guys!
 
"In memory's telephoto lens, far objects are magnified."  ~John Updike.

"No respect for bicycles?"

"No respect for bicycles?" 

Part 1, 7:50 am. 

I had two things to do this morning, so I got early up. I needed to do some bloodwork and I had to transfer money trough Western Union, damn, I was quit nervous, I hoped everything will go well. First off to the hospital, I knew where to go but I was sure there was a shorter way to get there, I took the safe way so I was sure that I would arrive. It was quit a ride, it took me almost 30 minutes to get there. When I got at the hospital things has changed alot, I was searching for the polyclinic for the bloodwork. I went to the old entrance but a note told me to take the new entrance. But wich new one? There was no sign, nothing! I decided to ask someone, always a good option. A lady told me to go to the left cause there was the new entrance, okay.

Arriving there I saw a the new entrance and it looked very nice, I got in and I saw a huge line up at the info desk where I had to go. I decided to have a quick look around in the entrance hall for other signs. I saw right away where I had to go for the bloodwork, but first I wanted to ask if I need a card for proof for the bloodwork. It was my turn in the line up and a lady helped me out and after I asked her what I wanted she asked me for my information, what my adress is and my phone number, aswell what doctor and dentist I have, etc,etc. I though she's gonna give me the card I asked for after telling her my information, but she didn't. She gave me a piece of paper with all stickers on it, with every bloodwork visit I needed to put one sticker on the bloodwork sheet. 

 Off I went to the needles section, I needed to go to section 11a in the green zone. I followed the signs and saw a sign saying 'Section 4/11,' meaning section 4 till 11, I was on the right way. It was actually not so hard to find. I handed in the paper when I arrived at 11a and another lady told me to go there at the corner and then left and then left again, that was easy. The waiting room was packed and I sat down and waited till they will call my name. There were enough nurses who did the bloodwork so it went fast, I waited 20 minutes until it was my turn. The nurse asked me my when I was born and grabbed the needle, I answered her question and she said, "Here it comes." She put the needle softly in my left arm, nice of her to warn me of the needle. I looked up when she putted the needle in my arm. Just a little ouch and that was it.

It reminded me when I was young that I absolutely hated needles, since I got older I'm fine with it. I won't say it's fun! But I'm not scared anymore like I used to was, lol. It was time to go, go to a gas station near the hospital where I heard from a resident that  they have a Western Union section there . Across the hospital there is a huge mall and I decided to go there first, so I could prolly see the gas station, cause I hadn't had a clue where to find that gas station. The resident told me it's near the hospital in the same street. Just before the hospital, I couldn't miss it. Right, well, it was a disaster to get off the parking lot from the hospital and to cross the highway and then to get to the mall. There was one bike lane and it ended dead! Although there was a bridge but that was for pedestrians, sigh!

After biking from left to right and up and down I got across the highway.... On a safe way, I almost decided to cross the street where the cars drove (Absolutley not done!) I found a little tunnel ten minutes from the hospital. At the mall I parked at a store so I could look for the gas station, I saw it after five minutes, I saw aswell the sign of Western Union. But how to get there with a bike? The same way back trough the tunnel? Yeah, and then? I was kinda lost but tried it anyway. It's much easier to get to a gas station with a car then with a bike it seemed. After a few curses I almost arrived at the station, I saw a little path behind a car dealer who was the neighbor of the gas station. Do they have no respect for bicycles, lol! Anyway, I found it, and I almost gave up 10 minutes before I found it.

A Turkish guy was standing at the desk and I thought to myself, "Oh no, I hope he can help me." Sometimes these Turkish people don't seem to understand what you want, or they don't want to understand what you want. I told him what I wanted and he had bad news, he told me that I could transfer money only after 2pm, WOOT!! I looked at him for five seconds trying to find a solution but, there was none. 2pm is 2pm. "I will be back then," I told him. Damn, all that driving and cursing for nothing, lol. On my way back though I found a shorter cut to Humanitas, yay!

Part 2, 2 pm

Hi ho, hi ho, here I go! (again) I jumped on my bike again heading towards the hospital/gas station, the weather was getting grey but it was still dry. There was a strong wind though and the wind was not in my back. This time I took the short cut, hehe, and this time the gas station was easy to find. The Turkish guy regonized me right away, he was busy though with other customers aswell. When he helped me out other customers kept comming. I told him to take his time, cause I wanted this transfer to be perfect. The transfer sure took a while, after he scanned my passport it was all done. Pffeewww, mission accomplished! Now hoping the transfer is going well. Only two things to do, and it took me almost a whole day. But okay, next time it will go better and faster. It's been a while since I used Western Union and I had to find my way first at the hospital. 


Another resident is leaving this week, this guy came a month after me. He was sure suprised when he got the news that he had a house, he's happy with it. I think it will be my time soon aswell, you never know it here. Guess who's comming back? Johannus's ex-girlfriend! Johannus came here with his girlfriend and there two kids as a family, then after four months they got seperated. The girl left Humanitas and Johannus stayed with the two kids at Humanitas, after one and a half month Johannus found a house and left with the two kids. And now his ex can come back to Humanitas, I already talked to her this morning with the coffee break. Humanitas. Never ever a boring moment at Humanitas, there's always something going on. It's almost like a soap serie here. 

Sometimes I like it and sometimes I dislike it, it's sure teaches you how life can be, in a good way and a wrong way. 

Depeche Mode-Clean (bare)

"Keep it down Aquarius."

 "Keep it down Aquarius."

You may be the center of attention today, but probably not the way you'd like. You may be the topic of a local gossip circle. If you overhear someone talking about you, try to take it with grace. How you react will be more important in the end than what they say. 

I was the center of attention today later in the afternoon, someone treated me not that nice. I thought in the end I had to take it with grace, but someone else told me you did well how I reacted.  What happened? I told you a few days ago that sometimes the workers at Reha are gossiping negative rumours about the work they do, they even make jokes about it. "There are no tools, it's all rubbish, there's no motivation, look at him he's so bad he's at the right place here," nag, nag, etc,etc. When they talk and joke like this about others the motivation is totally gone, I just joke along with them sometimes. 'My' motivation though stays the same, I like it at Reha. There is this guy who always tries to take your motivation away with insulted jokes, and agressive talking.

He always picks a victim, and today it was my turn. The first time I saw this guy, he said to me that I don't have to take him serious sometimes, "I joke around alot, but it's just fun," he told me. After hearing that we got along very well, he jokes sometimes with me, but I remember what he told me. I laugh about when he jokes with me, and then he laughs too. But today he picked on me a bit to much, he went on and on until it was my turn. I really had enough and I made fun of him, I was quit angry but was calm aswell. It was actually a good feeling to be assertive for once, I felt it was my turn now, I thought he wanted to try me out.  The angry feeling wasn't fun but in the end I learned from it. I don't let others play with me, I should be more assertive.

But aswell I don't like fights, I hope after the three days of rest in the weekend things between me and him are well again. Aswell I hope one day that he stops with all the joking and gets more motivated at work, he spoils it for other workers. I made two butler trays today, and, hmm, it didn't go so well. Ah! Just one of the days I guess. In the late afternoon I had a phonecall at work, I still had to work an hour. It was Paula, (counselor) she was back1 but had to go again around 4:30. She wanted to see me before she went, "It's been a while since we saw each other," Paula told me. It was 3:35 when I took of to Humanitas, it was nice seeing her back. 

I missed her, she did so much for me the last months. When she walks in the room it's like "Yes!" She's cute and not afraid. (No I don't have feelings for her, lol) Paula is fun to be around. When I talked to her I updated her just a bit, cause she didn't had much time. Up comming Saturday we have the next appointment, then I can take more time with her. Paula had some 'good' news to share.... She's pregnant! I was happy for her, and congrated her. Wow, that means we have two pregnant ladies at Humanitas, and they are both my counselor. First one is Sandra (my stand in counselor for Paula) and then comes Paula. Paula will deliver her baby in January.

It was a full day, I need some relaxation. Being on my laptop writting my post relaxes me, soon I will make a nice cuppa coffee. It's the weekend now, tomorrow I have to get up a bit early for my bloodcheck. I wonder how it will go, it's been almost 4 or 5 years or maybe even longer since I was at that hospital, I'm sure things has changed. I use to check my blood 2 or 3 times a year at my doctor's place, it's a huge medical centre with lots of medical stuff. Now I have to check my blood at the hospital in Almelo, it will be difficult cause I have to search where I have to be for the needles, lol. But once knowing it the second time will go better, wish me luck! Hehe!

"It's the little things that does it sometimes."

"It's the little things that does it sometimes."

It looked like a full day today, lots of little things to do. The weather is so nice out now, not to warm and not to cold. Sunshine and here and there a grey cloud, 20 degrees celcius, perfect!  I went to my bank to get a code for my online banking, sigh! I need that code so I can aswell use my cell phone for online banking, it seems ING does alot with codes, it's sometimes so anoying. I already had a code but I forgot to open the envelope with that code, I must activate that code within two weeks, otherwise the code gets deleted. From the bank I went to the doctor to ask to do some bloodwork for my thyroid, it was quit a walk but the weather was good.

Arriving at the doctor the doctor's assistant told me there's been a few things changed over the years you been in Canada, two or three years ago I needed a special card for visiting hospitals. Now the card is gone, now they use stickers instead. I'm going to check my blood at the hospital this comming Friday. When I was living still in Nijverdal I could just stay in the same doctor's building and check my blood there, but this isn't Nijverdal. I really wonder what my blood results will be, I was tired today, I tried to take a few naps but I couldn't catch my sleep. The tiredness felt like a rock on my chest, I'm used to feel tired though but still. I think it's good that I'm gonna  check my blood, it's about time.

Another guy will be leaving Humanitas soon, I think I mentioned Harry before. Harry is like furniture at Humanitas, he's been here for almost 15 months. If you live that long you become attached, and then it's difficult to say goodbye. It was really needed that Harry leaves, he's a nice guy but an alcoholic. Harry wants to quit drinking but that ain't easy he told me, I can sum up millions of reasons why he drinks. Staying to long here, and feeling bored and thinking negative thoughts  are three of the reasons. I'm happy for him that he's gonna live on his own, he surely must get used to it though but in the end it will be so much better for him. So long Harry! 

How is Ina doing at Humanitas? Or better, how am I doing with Ina? I'm good,very good actually when it comes to her. Were not close but we just get along, same as I do with the other residents, no more feelings and no more thoughts. Ina has something going on with Daniel, there snoozeling and sometimes a quick kiss. I'm perfectly fine with it, I actually laughing inside how I do comparing with two weeks ago. And Ricardo? Yeah, I don't miss the hectic but I sure do miss the hugs and the nice things we did together. I should email his Dad how he is doing in his new village, will do it tonight. How am I doing at the moment? I'm good and I'm getting along with the residents very well, better then I use to actually. 


It's all good!

Yay! Internet!

Yay! Internet! 

I was a bit worried of my laptop at work today, but the work I did helped me not to worry further. You can compair this day just like yesterday, same work, same jokes and same nagging. I try to do a bit more my best today, yesterday was a bit to much nagging and making jokes, I felt pity for my boss. He really tries to make the best off it, and he wants to learn me things, then it's not that nice if another worker is laughing softly behind his back, right? Today went a bit better, the couch I was working on together with the boss and another worker is almost done. Loads of wood and screws, loads of work! See the pictures. 

This couch/bench is huge!

You already know what kinda couch i'ts going to be?

Nearly done, I think one more day!

This couch were making is already solved, and were still building on it. It's the first time we are making such a couch/bench. The buyer had a look today and he was already happy with it.

Something else... Today and yesterday the staff from Humanitas did a room check. They go into you rooms to check on secret things like beer cans or drugs, or they look if the room looks proper and if you hold your room clean. They did that with every room here. When you come here as a new resident you get a contract, and in the contract it says that the staff can look into your room whenever they want, there allowed. When I got back from work I had a little note on my desk saying that they checked my room and my rook was okay, and that I kept it nice and clean. *Insert big smile* 

Another thing what made me smile was that my female neighbor fixed my computer! Yaaayyy! I have internet again and it seems good so far,I keep my fingers crossed though. Still I will be trying to save money for a new laptop, cause it's needed, I might get hacked again. Or the dammage what the viruses left behind might pop up again. The third news what made me smile was that I heard that my counselor is back from vacation, yay for Paula! I missed her, she did so much for me the last five months. I might buy her something nice... let's see tomorrow.

"Motivation."

"Motivation."

"Sometimes the motivation is hard to find at Reha," most of the workers say. I don't have a problem with motivation, sometimes it's all jokes from these workers. They make fun that we don't have much tools or that the company comes short in safety. I know the staff at Reha gives a 100%, this company has just started, it needs time to progress. And sure it needs motivation from the workers, but that's sometimes hard to find. I think I know why, the workers don't get paid, the job what they do is for most workers just a job to fill the days. And for some workers (like me) it's re-intergration to another job. So yeah, this job is important for me. The staff is following me while I work, what kinda works suite's me, what I'm able off, etc, etc. "Your still growing in the work you do, the boss told me, I can see myself growing in this job. I like it, I can see that back in the work I do.

And sometimes the nagging from the other workers?Ah,  I take it just  for granted, and just joke around with them. I had a unexpected appointment today at work, I have a woman following and guiding me to a proper job at Reha, her name is Agnes. Now there's a new person who will also be following me and guiding me, he has to learn what Agnes does. His name is Frans, and we had a meeting today and a canversation. Frans wanted to learn me better, and wanted to know what my wishes are if it comes to work. I told him my jo/work background and told him a bit about Canada. Frans was interested when I told him about Canada, we even spoke english for 10minutes, well, he started it. I liked it and I must say my english is still well. Frans is a nice guy, he will help me out aswell to a nice job. All help is welcome. 


--------- # And then the internet went down, Damn! I already had many, many problems with starting up my laptop the whole day. I think it crashed more then 24 times in a few hours. Actually the whole internet went down at Humanitas, my problems started after I downloaded a few updates. In the late evening a few residents and I found out that my computer was hacked! It made sense to me actually, cause a few hours ago I had a little message on my laptop saying that there is someone with the same IP as mine, I needed to change my IP my computer. This laptop has/had problems, I think I start saving money for a brand new laptop, cause it's really needed. The viruses and the few trojan horses are gone but they left a few dammages that can't be fixed. 


A female resident is willing to fix my computer, she offered me, and I thought, "Why not." I was already thinking of buying a new laptop this week, so, if this one can be fixed it would be nice but if it can't be fixed, oh well. I already made plans when I don't have a computer for a few days or maybe a week that I will write my blog posts on a note, and go to the libary here in town. The libary has a computer/internet section where I can surf on the internet for free, I can write there my posts in my blog.(Yeah, I'm a nerd) I need a computer,it's not only for fun but also for important stuff. Without a compter I can't look for houses or connect with important instantions. I keep my fingers crossed tomorrow the whole day...

"Long weekend."

"Long weekend."

The last three days were long, I had enough to do and that made the days go faster, but still the days were long. It's Sunday evening now, pffeeww, I'm glad it's Monday tomorrow. I rest alot today, I was tired and Sunday's are perfect to rest. The appointment with Sandra was good, but I rather have Paula. She's more straight to the point, next week she will be back. I'm doing well Sandra told me, the guilt for my care-allowance has been paid. (Woot!) Today I asked again for the care-allowance, I did the asking trough internet. Sandra helped me out.

I knew what to do and if I didn't know something then Sandra would fill it in, perfect. The care-allowance will give me a bit of extra money monthly, I had care allowance for years. But while I was in Canada I forgot to chancel the allowance, it's not allowed ton have that when your overseas. Another thing I talked about with Sandra was looking for houses, I can do that aswell trough internet. I had difficulties with what kinda houses to search for, what rent prices, and what kinda houses, is the neighborhood okay if I found a house, etc, etc. Sandra told me that when I see a house what kinda looks nice  to you I have to react on it, if I react on it it doesn't mean I have the house right away. 

I still have a bit that 'eeek' feeling when it comes to a new house, it means a new part in my progress. It's scary and it makes me a bit anxious and nerves. I have the most chance for a new house in 'Enschede,' Enschede is a very nice city, I used to go there for shopping or just going out. I haven't been there for such a long time, even now being back in Holland I haven't been there. Reacting on houses in Enschede means aswell that when I found a house Humanitas in Almelo can't help me further, Humanitas in Enschede will help me further then. Pity though otherwise Paula would have come with me to look at the new house and informed me, and perhaps calm me, she knows me so well now.

I will look and react on houses this week, wow! It feels like a new part has started, a new part of my journey. Scary? Yes! But I guess I will be fine. I need to pay attention that I won't take the first house just like that, it has to be a nice house where I will feel comfy. I need aswell people around me, just like in Canada where I had alot of people around me, I would like that again. I want a much different life then I had before I went to Canada, I don't wanna fall in that same boring patron again. Sometimes I catch myself falling back in that patron, I dislike it but it gives a comfy/weird feeling aswell. I'm ready for something new! 


Sandra informed me about something new aswell, there is a company where you can order a person, (Oh, God my english!) who can help you with going out or build up new friends, socialize. Think of going to fitness, or other sports, or the libary, just to get out more, build up new friends, or maybe even a date. For example, I want to go to fitness but I'm not daring enough to go there, the person from that 'company,' can help me out and go with me the first time. That person can even think of something new to go out to to and he can take you with him or her. Sounds interesting, my first thought was no, cause I'm not helpless, I can take care of myself. 


But who knows, maybe it helps me to get started with something, something new. Maybe that company has more ideas to socialize then me, I will put my thoughts on it this week. It's important for me to build up some friends, it's even important for me to socialize more. My wish would be a nice 'family.' (again) Mom, me the Dad and a few kids, that would make me happy. Am I not happy now then? No, I'm okay, I'm good. Just like I mentioned yesterday, I should be happy now aswell or search for things what will make me happy, and not wait to a certain thing that makes me happy. Make yourself happy now and when you get that 'family' say to yourself, "I was happy already but now I'm even happier."

"Why wait till I'm happy, be happy now."

"Why wait till I'm happy, be happy now."

Ah! Decisions, decisions this morning, should I go to the sauna or not? It's a bit of a money and I was tired, but then again, why should I save money? I should go and enjoy myself, see other people. I decided I go, but then the weather started to become a pain. Grey clouds and lots of wind, decisions, decisions again, I knew I would go anyway in the end. Even when I have the decisions problems. Yeah, I went, with all the decisions time I needed I had to hurry a bit, otherwise I would have missed my train.  Lately I'm in a little confused struggle, I can't even get it out right out of my mouth. Maybe I'm just a bit nerves of what's ahead of me, the near future. Living on my own, what will I get? Will it be good? Will I be alright? My goal is to travel alot when I'm all settled, but thinking of it now makes me feel akward. Will I be happy when I'm all settled? And will I be happy when I travel?

It gives me the feeling that I'm not happy now, BUT I'm sure I will be happy when I have a house and a job and enough money to travel.  But who says I will be happy then? I might be feeling lonely or sad, who knows, I know it's not good to think ahead. But lately such thoughts flashes trough my mind, no one can look in the future, and no one can say if your happy or not happy in the future. So yeah, why wait and decide to be happy later? Why be not happy now? Little things can make people happy, I should be aware of the little things around me what can make me happy. Forcing myself to be happy won't work, just be aware of being happy is enough I think.

I arrived at the sauna on a nice time, the sauna just opened 15 minutes ago. I needed a bathrobe and one pair of slippers, size 10. It wasn't that busy, and it stayed that way. I felt good but when I stepped into in one of the cabines and layed myself down I nearly fell asleep. I surely needed a nap, but not in the cabine though. In the Sauna is also a huge rest room, it's downstairs in the basement. The rest room has nine beds with red blankets and white pillows, nice softly music you can hear in the background. I went downstairs after the cabine visit and layed myself down, I took a nap.I slept for only 30 minutes, it was enough cause I wasn't in the sauna to sleep. I decided to have a drink and going on with sauna-ing. I took two more rounds and took afterwards a good shower. 

Arround 4pm I left the sauna and headed to the trainstation, nicely on time for my train. Arrived in Almelo I went to Mcdonalds and took a nice meal, it was crowded and most of them were teenagers, sigh. That meant alot of noice and lot's of bleeping from the I-pods. It was alright, Mcdonalds was good and I took off again to the groceryshop for.....grocery. I didn't need that much but what I needed was needed, lol! Tomorrow the shops will be closed, tomorrow is Sunday. I bought some stuff for the first two days of the week, cause I will be working whole days then, and I don't feel like shopping after work. It's nice and quiet now at Humanitas, mostly everyone is out, blame the Saturday shopping. 

Smoking! 

Comparing to Canada it seems that Dutch people smoke alot more, that's one thing I noticed when I got back in Holland. I don't smoke, and I don't like the smell, it gets in your clothes, and it feels it blocks my troath. Everytime I see someone smoking I truly wonder why they like smoking, it's not sugary or salty, it's not tasty smelling either. Now at Humanitas most of the people smoke, I'm almost the only one who doesn't smoke. Visiting the residents can be sometimes a pain then, because of the smoke. Sometimes we sit with each other in a room and the smoke is whirling around, ugh! I dislike it, but I'm not walking away, only when it's getting to much. You can say I have alot of smokers around me, I sometimes try to avoid it as much as I can. But there's not much you can do about it, I always think, "Oh it's only for a few months until I get a place for myself." Right. 


Tomorrow I will have the second appointment with Sandra, my stand-in counselor for Paula, Paula will return next comming week I think. I miss her though, she's good in her job, she's friendly and funny aswell. I want to talk with Sandra tomorrow about getting a house for myself, cause it seems I kinda lost it.The prices for renting houses has gone up the last two years here in Holland. If you get a house for 300 or 400 Euro, (rent) you wont get much, but if your lucky you can find a nice house for 400 or 500 Euro. (rent) I can't decide this alone at the moment, I surely need help. Cause if I see a nice house for 400 or even 500 euro,  someone else might find for me something nicer for 300 or 350 Euro. Tomorrow I will know more.

"Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."

"Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."
Today was the day of goodbye's, and it was kinda hectic. Rene was busy, Johannus was busy, they were all packing and moving there stuff. I shook Rene's hand when he left, I will be seeing him again though at Reha at work. The dinner Rene prepaired was a nice goodbye gift, only there weren't much people. We had chili con carne at noon, I guess that's why there weren't that much people, to early to have dinner? But I liked the chilli, we could choose chilli with potatoes or chilli with rice. I took the rice. Thwe next goodbye was from Johannus and his kids, ugh! Johannus was busy ofcource, moving from left to right.I nearly couldn't get a hold on him, I spoke to him slightly and it wasn't quit the goodbye I expected. Maybe I was a bit stubborn or nervous to walk towards him and telling him goodbye.

I didn't forgot about last night when Ricardo told me I couldn't come for a goodbye drink, maybe we were 'both' a bit nervous or stubborn. But I'm sure we will see each other again, and Ricardo? Yeah, I was hoping he would drop by after school, (3:00 pm) but I doubt it.  But suprise!! Just a bit after 3:00 one of the staff members brought Ricardo to my room, he was done with school ands had to wait for his Dad. Dad was still busy with driving from city to city, I'm glad they dropped Ricardo in my room. Ricardo was nervous though, afraid that his Dad won't show up and let him stay at Humanitas. I had to calm him down, he was not only nervous but aswell angry, "Dad is always late and always he forgets me," he shoutted. I had to be easy with him otherwise he will get mad at me, and that's  not the goodbye I wished for.


It went okay though, his Dad showed up late, but he was there. Ricardo grabbed his coat and his schoolbag and took off, not a hug or kiss, not even a goodbye. It's alright, I blamed his nervous and anger, atleast I was with him for almost two hours and it was nice. It was not the goodbye I expected or wanted though, I wanted a hug or maybe some tears. I spent so much time with him, good times but aswell bad times. The goodbye made me think of the goodbye in Canada, all kinda standing in line waiting for a hand or a short hug. It was to short for my feeling, but okay we were in a hurry, we had a plane to catch. Sometimes I wish I could do 'that' goodbye over, I would take all of them apart for a little talk and tell them then goodbye and a big hug afterwards. I don't like goodbyes... 


I'm sure I will be seeing Ricardo and Johannus again, they live now in a village called 'Vroomshoop,' it's easy to get there with the train. It's different now without Ricardo, strange though that I don't miss him, (yet) maybe that will come. I aswell have more rest though, I can do alot more things now without having to take care of Ricardo. It gives  also a bit of less stress, cause I almost always had him around me. But we had our good times aswell, Ricardo had it hard being here without any other kids to play, and ofcource the seperation from his Mom and Dad. I was there for him when it was needed, and other times. I love you Ricardo, I hope you do well in your new house and new village. 


Recently we have some new residents and they have created a new 'fashion' to Humanitas, leave your door open from your room to let other residents in for a quick chat or a cuppa coffee. The old residents had to get used to that, doors are always closed here. Residents need there privacy too, to be on there own for a while. Now we had to get used to the noise, it had something like if they were camping. But it's good now, it seems that the old residents come out of there rooms so now and then and visit the campers. I visit them aswell, I live near though cause were neighbors. Today for the first time I had my door open too, It's possible now cause Ricardo has left. He will get to excited when my door is open and will make alot of noise with his singing and teasing.

"Goodbye's and farewells?"

"Goodbye's and farewells?"

A nice day at work, we finally had some more people at work. Together with another guy I was working on a 'suppa duppa' wooden garden couch. That thing is enormous, I think the couch is called a corner couch (?) It has a three sitter on the one side and on the other side it has a two sitter, and it attatches each other. Lot's of work and lots of wood, we were half way and I think the couch is done upcomming Monday. Pictures? Yes, when it's done! Like I said yesterday two people will leaving tomorrow, actually four people. Johannus and his two kids, and Rene. Rene will be making a dinner tomorrow afternoon for all the residents, and Johannus? I guess he will be leaving sneaky trough the backdoor. 

No one is actually talking to him after his seperation with his ex-girlfriend, only I am. I take my hat of for Johannus, I could not live like that. I should have have a drink with him on his room tonight, (he invited me last week) but when I got back from work I saw Ricardo comming in the kitchen while I was talking to someone. He was all happy and hyper and was naughty. I don't really like seeing him that way, but okay. I told him if you aren't nice now I won't come tonight for a drink. "That's okay," Ricardo told me, "My Father's new girlfriend is still upstairs, so you can't come." I thought "Okay, then not." Not that nice from Ricardo, but aswell, I guess it's not right to sit with Johannus while his girlfriend is there according to Ricardo, right? Doubts. 

What can I do or what should I do? Go to johannus and invite myself? Naah, I will see him tomorrow, it's fine I guess. I sent him a message aswell trough an E-mail. I'm still thinking of Ricardo now though, I would like to have a proper goodbye from him. A quiet time with Ricardo would be nice and then tell him goodbye, damn, I'm gonna miss the little cute teaser! Ricardo will sleeping while I'm finnishing writting this post, and tomorrow at 3:15 he and his Father will be taking off. Ricardo's school finnishes at 3:00, so I guess he will be leaving right after school tomorrow. Usually Ricardo comes to my room right after school, sigh!

I have been thinking last night aswell, thinking about my time in Canada. I miss seeing the kids and my friends, I thought I should put some of the photoframes back on my writting desk. When I had it hard and difficult in the beginningof the year  I made the desicion to put everything away what includes my time in Canada, picture's of Saf's kids, closed my Facebook account, no contact anymore for a while,etc, etc, just to heal myself and continue my life. 

It was a tough decision and I thought I never could do it, but I had too. And I did, and it helped. Last night I was thinking to put two photoframes back cause it seemed I totally forgot them, but I don't want to forget them! I had a nice time in Canada aswell, not only arguess and issues! I want to KEEP the memories! Maybe it will be painfull for a bit, but I'm 100% sure it won't be as painfull  as in the beginning of the year, I'm feeling lots better now. I can look slowly at the photo's again and not break down and cry. Some photo's are painfull, some are not. So I putted three little picture frames back, one off Tasn, one of Ab, and one of Ab and me. Painfull? hmm, naah, I'm good, only with the one picture off Tasn, I have a 'sigh' moment. But I refusse to put it away again!

I feel better, I'm feeling good, I'm climbing up. Even my boss told me that he see's me growing while working at Reha, that's what I like to hear. There's a thing 'I' see too, I see that it's time to get away from Humanitas. These people are not the kind of people I am, I have/had a good time here, I really do but these people here are not my type of people. The people here have more then just one problem, some have a criminal past, or a abused past, drug addicts, break ups with there ex's aswell like me. If you look at my situation, I had a break up and  had to build up and manich everything all over again comming from Canada to Holland with nothing, but that's it. I'm not a criminal, I haven't slept on the streets for months or years, I'm not a drug addict, I haven't been abused.

Staying here isn't that healty, sometimes you really can see the difference when you visit a supermarket or a pub or even a sauna, places where lots of people come. It's almost an akward feeling, I say sometimes to myself, "I'ts a akward feeling to be under 'normal' people again." If I stay to long here that 'akward feeling' will get bigger I think. Yeah, step on it boy! It's time to go, my time has been good here.

"Cooling down."

 "Cooling down."

Last night the thunder came rolling in with lots of rain, it was extremely hot yesterday.
and now it's much cooler. It gives an akward feeling, hot inside the houses and outside you really need a jacket. 33 degrees versus 20 degrees, a difference of 13 degrees. Today I rested but not that much, I was tired from the last two hot days.It's been a week now since Ina and I been pushed to get something going, what a week all can do. I'm good now the feelings and thoughts seemed to be vanished slowly away. It's suprising though, within a week all the feelings are almost gone. It made me tired all these thoughts and thinking what I did, and all the wantings to be with her,etc, etc. 

In the end of the week I thought, I'm not gonna put any energy in it anymore, I was done. Just friends and make fun with each other, nothing serious. Ina and I are getting along well. We talk and make jokes, her Daughter is funny too. Today she had her rapport and she showed it to me and Daniel, Daniel and I were visiting Ina in the early afternoon. Daniel gave Ina's daughter some little money, I forgot my wallet, but made it up later today with some chocolate and some little money. Ina's daughters name is Romy. Two residents will be leaving tomorrow and Friday, Friday it's Johannus's turn and tomorrow it's Rene's turn. Rene is a resident who needs help taking care of himself, he can do his own stuff but sometimes needs guiding.

Rene is the first resident I met when I made my entrance to Humanitas, they all thought we could be brothers. We look alike, but there's differences. Rene has been here for almost one and a half year, and that's a record at Humanitas. He has been replaces to another city, he get's a bigger room and has to pay less. Rene has it difficult at the moment saying his goodbye, I can imagine that, he's been here to long. I hope he's doing well in his other place. Friday it's Johannus's turn, I was planning a nice goodbye with my buddy Ricardo, but hmm, he's naughty lately. I had to sent him quit alot upstairs to his Dad. I hope the goodbye goes well, I need a nice goodbye.

Johannus invited me tomorrow night in his room, we will be drinking a few beers I guess. Just like the old days when he wasn't seperated from his ex. You were always welcome in there room, to have a snack or a drink, what has happened to those days? Humanitas is like a rollercoaster always on the move. New people come, and others go, and all with there own story and there own background.

"Heatwave!"

"Heatwave!" 

The weather is insane, last Saturday we had 14 degrees now we have 33 degrees. Insanity, but, I worked today, oh yeah! There's no stopping me, and guess what?! I was the only worker at work, and 2 bosses, normaly we have 7 or 8 people at work. Prolly to warm for them, but work for me went fine. Akward though working alone, with so now and then a visit from the boss asking me how it goes. I think it was the first time I worked in shorts, I guess that's alright when you work with wood. Be aware of splinters though, ha! In our breaks at work the bosses and I talked alot about going on vacations, my two bosses go alot. It makes me wanna go to, I'm excited, but a bit nervous aswell. I'm sure it will be alot of work to book a trip. 

Seeing such pictures...

Sometimes I have a bigh mouth with saying, 'I wanna see the world, I wanna travel.' I need to book a flight, then you have to have a staying, when you arrive where do you have to go to? Do you go take a taxi or can you walk?  Maybe a buss? Eeeks!  Many things to think off, but I will manich. My Boss told me that Holland is also nice to have a vacation, but I don't know. For me it's a waste of time, I lived in Holland for more then 40 years, I have seen it now. I would like to see the world! It's getting greyer and greyer now, hopefully we will get some rain. It's needed, it's so warm in the rooms. 9pm now, I think we prolly get some in the night. 


Today I ated dinner with Johannus, cause Ricardo wanted that I ated with his Dad, he and his little brother. Johannus and I talked normal to each other, I didn't forget about Ina and him but, oh well. Johannus and his two sons will be leaving Humanitas this comming Friday, am I going to miss them? Yes, but also a bit of a no. I spent alot of time with them, as a family but aswell when the family was seperated. And ofcource my buddy Ricardo, I will miss him the most. I think I'm going to give him a special goodbye. The last few days Ricardo has been very naughty actually, 15 minutes ago he cursed at me and used some very heavy insulting words. 

Makes me miss traveling and flying!

I know it's his adhd but you can't always blame the adhd. He really needs to learn to behave and not use 'those' kinda insulting or swear words. I was mad at him, and sent him upstairs. Ricardo will be standing tomorrow afternoon at my door ofcource like every Wednesday, but I will learn him a last lesson for what he has said to me this evening. I'm thinking of writing a letter to me, "I will not swear or insult, I'm sorry Sjon." Fifty times will be enough, or 100? I actually should do 100. He was really mean. Still it's getting greyer and greyer but no rain or thunder, but warm it is, pffeeww! I think it's gonna be a short night sleep. Gotta love those hot summer nights. And I do! 

It started to rain, and I promised with a few residents that if it would start to rain we will go outside to cool down.  And so we did, the rain felt so nice. There was thunder aswell, but we kept it save, when the thunder became harder we went inside. It was a nice evening.

"Feeling hot, hot, hot!!"

"Feeling hot, hot, hot!!" 

Extremely hot day today, more then 30 degrees, and tomorrow even warmer. It's nice though but just a bit to hot. Why always the extreme? Two days ago it was just 16 or 17 degrees, and now 31. Working with this tempature went okay though, only in the end of the day I was out of energy, to warm. We had a new worker coming today, interesting guy. He was short but had some muscles, very though guy it seemed. He had to work with me, sigh! I was kinda not looking forward to it, not really my type of guy. But he was nice and we talked alot while working. He told me he sat many times in jail, did some really bad things, robbed banks, stores, broke into cars, did drugs. 

Yeah he was something. He had to go to work 120 hours from the police otherwise he had to go to jail again. He want to clear his past and want's to have a better life, he has a own house now, a girlfriend, so he's on the good way. He told me aswell he's sick, he has 'insanity defense,' or something like that. If you would ask him let's steal something or do something bad, a normal guy would say, "No," but this guy would think about it and actually do it. He has a counselor and needs medication, after he told his story I was carefull with him. I might get a hammer to my head if he dislikes me or doesn't follow my advices. 

So, a bit eek this morning. He's a nice guy though, and works only half days. pffeeww! There weren't much people today at work, prolly to warm. I don't mind the heat, mostly Dutch people complain about the weather.To warm, to rainy,to windy, it's never good. With this heat it can easily get extremely hot in my room, it's needed to open a window at night. But I don't want to let the mosquitos in. Tomorrow at work I'm gonna make a mosquito screen for my window at work, I have the screens but I have to measure the lenght of the window frames first and then start to make two frames. I so dislike mosquito's, they can keep me awake the whole night. While I'm sitting here writting this post it's already starting to get very warm. 


How does it go between Ina and me? Specially me, how do I feel? Well, I'm alright I guess. I still like her company, at the moment Ina and her daughter are into town, prolly Daniel is with them. Ricardo saw Ina and her Daughter but didn't saw Daniel though he told me when he came to visit me. Does it something to me when there both going into town?  Hmm, yes and no. I like Ina's company and her Daughter is funny and hyper. Am I still looking for a relationship with Ina? Hmmm, naah, but who knows what can happen, secretly? I would like it though, but I would have peace with it if it didn't happen. Now let me concentrate on a very warm night, goodnight all!

"Back to bussines."

"Back to bussines."

This last week has been hectic, shame on me that I left alone the things I really had to do. Like paperwork and paying a bill, I had some nice post aswell. It's time to get 'back to bussines,' and in the meanwhile enjoy the gossip and fooling around from the residents. it's just funny sometimes, never take things to serious. I noticed that it's really not healty to stay here at Humanitas to long, you might get attatched to the crazyness, funnyness and akwardness. It will be so much different when you live on your own again. I had a nice conversation with Sandra this morning, my stand in counselor for Paula. Paula will return next week. Sandra didn't know anything about what all happened last week with Ina and me, I told her the short version. I was wondering how Sandra would react on it, she found it brave how I maniched it all.

She didn't respond much further on the subject, but just listened. I felt relieved to talk about it aswell with just a listening ear. Last night something suprising happened aswell, Ricardo was up late together with Ina's daughter Romy, they played around and made fun. Ofcource they had to had me, bouncing on my door, played hide and seek, and silly notes under my door. I was kinda fed up with it later on when the clock stricked ten I ignored it further. A half hour later, my resident neighbor came to me and asked me to do something about these kids, they made alot of noise. Specially Ricardo went wild with his adhd, it had to be stopped. I went to Ricardo's Dad to solve the problem, I was sure that Ricardo would follow me.

When I opened the door I saw Johannus sitting together with Ina, I was suprised cause they both talked about each other seperatly not so nice, you can call it gossiping. Welcome to Humanitas where everything is possible, seeing Ina and Johannus with each other did a little bit something to me but it didn't hurt, I layed it beside me and I was now really done with them both. Yeah both, specially Johannus, who would have thought that? Even Johannus warned me about flirting with other female residents, cause they all have problems he told me. And now he is doing it himself! I just laughed about it, I was really dissapointed in Johannus. The last few four weeks he was trying to start a relationship with another blonde girl, he had many visits of her. Johannus praised this girl and was happy with her, the girl herself felt the same. 

"I have a woman now where I can build a future with, she's much handsomer then my ex," said Johannus. While I was sitting with Johannus and Ina the kids jumped suddenly in to the room aswell, but Johannus ignored them, he was busy with Ina, it even seemed he forgot about me. Johannus was the old Johannus again, 'the flirter,' Johannus talked about going out with her towards her tomorrow. But Ina didn't know yet, Johannus kept trying. I told johannus with a smile on my face, "What about your other 'blonde'girl then?" Sigh! "She doesn't want a steady relation yet," he told me. "So you jump from girl to girl?" I asked Johannus. he raized his shoulders a few times and told me,"I don't know." I knew enough, I was dissapointed in him and stayed for another five minutes and left.

I was fed up with it, I layed everything beside me, gave it a place, done! I'm not going to put any energy in it with everything what happend last week. I'm not going to get involved, I stick with my goals. Fun and laughter with the residents, including Ina, yeah, I really hope the best for her, She stays my buddy. I have a few residents here where I care for, where I get along with very well, and Ina is one of them. This morning with the appointment with Sandra I had to go to my room to pick up my cell phone, there were a few problems with it, Sandra knew the solution. On my way I saw Ina and another resident sitting with each other and I joined them for a quick chat, I can't let Sandra wait to long ofcource. When Ina mentioned Johannus she told aswell that she's going out with him to the movie theatre, I thought, "Alright."

I told her to be on her hood, and that I didn't like to see her hurt again. I knew Ina is a strong lady and surely not afraid. Johannus told Ina last night that she has to ask 'me' what kinda person he was. LOL! I shook my head and laughed a bit. I told her how Johannus was and how I thought he changed in a positive way, but he wasn't, Johannus is a though guy, a player, a flirter, he can be very nice but what I saw last night made me think. I don't think you really can't build up a future with him. He dissapointed me last night, I found him hypocrisy or how you call it, fake? I didn't wanna scare Ina though and didn't wanna ruin her night out. But in my eyes I had to warn her to be carefull. Without making advances towards Ina or in other words to not win her back for myself... I wouldn't like to see her fall in another drama. 

I shouldn't even get involved in such things I know, but I can't see people suffer. I really need to learn that though. Just like some other residents tell me, don't get involved, just let them be, it's there bussines. Speaking about bussines, it was time to get back to bussines this morning. I wanted to pay my huge bill from the care allowance, I never had such a high bill. I have the money for it now, I bought off a policy a few months ago, and got alot of money from it. I can pay the whole bill and still I have a little bit money left, I had a little bit of problems making the money over trough banking online, (activatings code, sigh) but okay, trough the mail was another option. I have the envelope with the bill and I will put it on the post right away the next morning. With paying this care allowance bill, I can ask again for care allowance. Cause I couldn't do that earlier cause I had to pay the bill, better!

Next thing I really want to do this week is to check my blood cause of my thyroid disease, it's about time. It's been such a long while since I checked my blood, I'm sure the last time was in Canada. I'm curious how my blood will be, usually it's mostly alright. Let's see how it is now, it will take a few days though after they put the needle in my arm but that's alright. It was a warm day today but didn't went outside much, only in the evening I sat in the garden with Daniel and Ina, joking and chatting around again, that's the way I like it. Daniel told me that he and Ina want to go out to a movie theatre or a dinner one night, I told them, "Okay, nice." I was fine with that, I hope she has a good time. Ina asked me if I was mad last night when she sat with Johannus. 

I told her I wasn't mad at all, but just dissapointed in Johannus, he has to make up  his mind what he wants. And not use every woman like dirt, ah! It's not even my bussines. It was nice sitting in the garden, some other residents joines us aswell. Were going to get some really warm days this comming week, they spoke about 30 degrees tomorrow already. And it's a working day tomorrow, it's all fine with me. I can stand the heat very well. I actually love it!

"Relieved."

"Relieved."

Nothing feels better then a relieved feeling, this Saturday was nice and felt comfy. Like I said yesterday, I just wish that Ina acts normal to me. It might sound weird, but if Ina keeps her distance and ignores me, (cause I might get 'more feelings for her) that doesn't work. It will only give me more bad thoughts and I don't want that', it was all good today. (A little bit more about her later in this post) This morning I sat in the dinning room with another guy who wanted to fix my computer, my computer crashed every 15 minutes today and yesterday and it had starting problems. The guy who helped me was a real computer wizard, he learned it all when he worked for a software factory for years. He even worked for a phone company where do install internet aswell. He knows every little thing you need on a computer and every little thing you don't need. He saw right away what the problem was, I had tons of viruses and a few trojan horses. (wow!) I didn't expect that!

The guy installed the right software and deleted the bad software, I watched him while he was doing his thing, I was amazed how he went to work. He told me he had a friend once who had a laptop what nearly was broken and was about to throw it away, but 'he' fixed it. Yeah, he's good, today I was the lucky man. "If you had waited a waited a week, you could have throwen the computer away," he told me. The trojan horses on my computer dammaged my dvd player and was already doing his thing on my hard disk. The last trojan horse was a though one, but 'he' managed it after a few curses. Yay, I was happy as a little kid. He asked me ten Euro before he started his job, but in the end I gave him twenty. He worked more then four hours on my computer. While we worked on the computer Ina joined us aswell in the dinning room, she made some eggs for herself and sat with us. She talked and joked around with me normal, and it relieved me. That's the way I like it.

Last night I shoved away my feelings or thoughts of her aside as far as I possibly could, now when she and I act normal to each other it feels alot better. It gives me a easier feeling to talk to her, away with the stress, the pushing and the bad thoughts. I know she doesn't have feelings for me, it's really fine with me. I know she isn't my type and I know I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the friendship instead feels good. Around eleven in the morning another resident took care of the coffee for us, we usually have coffee-breaks in the week, but if you go the office there will be always one staff member who will want to make some coffee. It was nice in the dinning room, we joked around and had fun with each other. What a relieved feeling, it felt so much better then the last three or four days. It's one more week for Johannus and his two kids, then they will be gone to another city, I will miss them and specially Ricardo. He was naughty though a few times today. 

Goofy!

If he's with me and he's naughty he will know what will happen. I will send him upstairs to his Dad, and he doesn't like that, he rather stay's with me. Although the weather was bad today, Ricardo and I took a little ride on our bikes. He had alot of coins with him, 1 Euro and 65 cents,most of them were 5 cent coins. He bought an icecream for it, and it costed him 1 Euro 60, he had 5 cent's left, LOL! After the icecream I had to buy some grocery at my favorite store, 'Albert Hein.' It's a nice store, most of the time expensive but they have cheap stuff aswell. I needed alot of stuff cause my little tiny fridge was empty, it was so busy at the store. It seemed the customers were stalking me, everywhere I go they followed me or they were a step before me to tease me. In needed meat, but some people were blocking the way to my favorite meat section, on purpose? Hmmm! 

I needed some nice deserts but people were blocking the desert section, again on purpose? Hmmm! LOL! Blame the Saturday shopping madness! When I got back from the grocery shop I saw johannus aswell and he took Ricardo with him, pffeww! Again, Ina sat in the dinning room but this time with her eleven year old daughter, I joined them and again it was nice and comfy. Joking and fun together, this is how I like it. I can also leave her alone and go sit somewhere else or visit another resident while 'she' sit's there. It's really fine with me, the feeling that things are settled like I want them to be relieves me. And how do I want it then? Just like it went today, no pushing, no stress, just getting along with 'her' just like I do with the other residents. I must say weekends are usually boring here at Humanitas but I can say now aswell that this Saturday was nice, lots to do, alot of people around me, joking, talking. This calls for more often days like this in the weekend!

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel." 

I wish it was a working day but it isn't, so I can focus on other things. I had a better day yesterday, I was fine with things. I thought everything was settled, between you know who and me. But so now and then I think of her, and when I see her I get quiet. When I have the time to see her, I want to go to her but I know it's not right, I don't want to go to her. But sometimes I can't stop myself. What the hell is wrong with me? Will it go with every women I feel atractive to like this? I hope not, I really have to learn to control myself then. Okay once more, I'm not ready for a relationship, I don't want to. I would like to settle things first for myself, and then slowly on we will see what happens. In the meanwhile I would like to enjoy my freedom. I should write this on a memo card and stick it on the wall, LOL! 

This morning with the second coffee break Ina was there aswell, and I went quiet. I had the feelings she keeps her distance from me, I think. No eye contact. I should be fine with it, but it does something to me. Then she had to go somewhere, but she came back later. She was hectic and she had tears in her eyes, sigh! Damn! She throwed some things on the ground to put her moped in the little garage. She was surely not feeling happy, some staff members went with her to her room I thought, to calm her down, I broke and I would really like to calm her down aswell but it was better not. I went to my room, and thought I will wait 15 minutes and then I will go to her. I waited 5 minutes and started to walk to her room, sigh. Her door was closed I saw from the stairs and I went back to my room. 

After 10 minutes the same thing,  I started to walk to her room, her door was still closed I could see. I went back to my room again, I waited 15 minutes and did the same thing over, still her door was closed. I went back to my room and tried to give up. But after 10 minutes (Am I nuts?) I went downstairs to go look if I had any mail, I thought I will look for my mail, then afterwards I go back to Ina's room to see if she was then there. On my way to the mail, I suddenly saw her, she wasn't all the time in her room but in one of the offices with a staff member. I asked her how she was doing and if she was feeling alright, she replied with some swear words about her ex. She went to her ex to pick upsome things and her ex insulted her badly. I felt pity for her and wanted to put an arm around her, to tell her it's gonna be alright. 

But, she didn't like that, and said, "Don't do that," she told it friendly though, she wasn't mad. I got the message but was suprised. I felt more distance, I wondered why, I wasn't looking for love, but I felt just sorry for her. Was I to much for her? I walked with her upstairs while she kept talking about her ex, I didn't know what to answer, afraid I was to much. She went to her room and I went to mine. "Ugh, just let it be", I thought. The day went on and I joined a few residents who made  a huge lunch for a staff member who was here for her last day. It was nice and comfy, I made myself some peanutbutter jelly sandwiches for my lunch. I didn't feel so well, I felt heavy on my chest. I would like to let it all be, all the thoughts, but it ain't easy. In about an hour Ina came back and had her reunited daughter with her, I shoutted, "Welcome back!" And she thanked me. 


I went to my room when I finnished my lunch and tried to go for a nap, I was dead tired. But I couldn't catch my sleep, thank God Ricardo knocked on my door, yeah I said "Thank god." I really would like to go out with him for a little while, just to leave it all be, the wind on my head will do me good. Before we took off one staff member wanted to talk with me, she asked me into her office. When I sat down she asked me what was going between Ina and me, sigh! I was suprised! The staff member heard some rumours, yeah every wall here has ears! I was happy though that I could spit all of my thoughts out, finally someone where I could talk to about this. I told her the whole story and what I would like and what my plan and thoughts were. After all what happened the last few days I just want to get along with Ina, just like I get along with the other residents, that's all! 


The staff member kinda understood me, (I so dislike it when they don't understand me) it was nice of her that she told me that I can always talk with her when it's needed. She even made a appointment for wednesday with me for another talk. I have another appointment this comming Sunday with Sandra, she's a stand in counselor for Paula. I'm gonna talk to her aswell about Ina, this just can't go on like this. I feel afwull most of the time the last few days, and it seems Ina is hidding or ignoring me. She wants to continue this for the rest of her staying here? That would be crazy, but okay, we will see. The bikeride with Ricardo was great, although he was naughty and shoutted he wanted to go left instead of right, or that he wanted to go for a icecream with me not having money, I loved it! 


How do I feel at the moment? I'm feeling slightly okay, I have my down and sad moments. But aswell I have my 'Screw it all, I'm just gonna have fun' moments, I should actually have such feelings more. Cause when I think of it, what is actually going on? I'm  good with the residents, very good I must say, only Ina is a bit of a problem, I hope 'that' can be solved. I like her and I want the best for her in the end. I don't like the ignoring and I don't like the distance, I'm not a stalker and I'm not a pervert. Now some good news to end this post, I got some nice money back from my taxes from 2007/2008 and 2009. That's filling my bankaccount nicely. I should make a quick start with searching for houses aswell, still I haven't it settled the searching but that will come in time soon I hope.


I found out that it's time for me to go, staying here to long at Humanitas isn't healty for me. You can become to attatched to the people and the living here, it's time to go! 

P.s: I had a little chat just before I went to bed with some of the residents, Ina came to for a little while, I kept my distance first but then I talked with the residents and aswell Ina. She responded back and we kinda joked around with each other. See, now that is what I want, just a normal get along with each other,nothing more. Let's see how it will go the following days.