"Come on Summer, make up your mind!"

"Come on Summer, make up your mind!"

We call this weather 'kwakkel-Summer' in Holland, Then it's warm, then it's cold, make up your mind Summer! I need warm weather, doesn't matter what kind. Hot, kinda hot, just a bit hot, any kinda hot but not cold. Today was rainy and alot colder then yesterday,almost 14 degrees lower. Although the rain was needed and it felt refreshing, *haaasssjjjooee* I need some sunshine. Sorry about the sneezing, I have a bit of a cold here. Yeah, I changed the tittle of my blog, I was in need of another tittle, something more uplifting. The tittle is taken from the song 'I'm amazed' by The Pixies. I love the song and yup!, I'm amazed how I'm doing so well, and I will achieve more things and will say, 'Im amazed.' I will work towards my goals and once I'm there I will say, 'I'm amazed.' I love my new tittle. 

I'm amazed that I like working the last three months, I haven't had a job in eight years. Yeah, time flies you can say, I sure wasn't ready to work the first two months being back in Holland.  But now I'm glad I work, I'm glad I wanted to work. Just doing things and having fun, rather then sitting in my small room and wait for something to happen. I did that for a few weeks, then I thought, "Yeah, I'm ready." Sure I needed the rest and adjusting first comming back, but now it feels better. Today at work was good, it rained so it made a nice day for working. I finnished two butler-tray's, as promised here are the pictures. 

Looks nice, right?

Love it! 

 It looks kinda simple to make but, oh my, it's alot of measure and puzzle work.You can take the tray of and fold the tray-holder, handy! It's usually for use in the garden, you can tell by the kind of wood. My Boss had the idea of making one, so he was puzzling ans measureing for two days, and finally it's there. I made three of them, the last one I made is the best, lol! Although my Boss is a very nice guy, he seems to give alot of instructions. Like, I was sawing a part of piece of the tray with the electric-saw, and he told me to do it this way. I preciate the advice, but sometimes he gives to much advices. In other words, "Can I do it now? Or you wanna finnish the whole tray?"  My Boss is not a handy worker, some kinda things he's good at, but mostly it's yeah, never mind. Hahaha.

After work I had a bit that 'eek,' feeling again, will Ricardo and Johannus be there waiting for me? I thought, "Oh well, let it be," and no they weren't. Only after 15 Minutes Ricardo came with his famous 3 knocks on the door, I asked him how he was what he did today. I told him I need a shower first, and then I'm making dinner, then I will rest or we 'might' do something. "Can you eat with us first and then have a shower?" Asked Ricardo. I asked him why, "cause my Dad is cooking for us and he wants you to join us." Ricardo replied. "Well, I need a shower first, and then I will have a look in the kitchen for you Dad," I told him. Ricardo kept asking what time I was ready with showering. I replied, "Ten minutes past five." And there I went to the shower, "See you then," said Ricardo. 

Karnemelk/ Buttermilk is what I dranked today at work!

I was showering and after five minutes Ricardo knocked on the shower door, (sigh and a laugh) I shouted "Come in!" And laughed, Ricardo laughed even harder, he knew I was joking! I told him to hold on I'm almost done. Geesh, what a rush, I had a bit of enough of Ricardo's rush and told him that and his Dad. Johannus told Ricardo to calm down, I didn't even had the time to get new socks, lol! Johannus had a appointment downstairs at 5:30,that's why the rush. The Dinner was okay, potatoes with red cabage. I offered to take care of Ricardo for a bit while Johannus had his appointment, that was alright. But Ricardo was being naughty so I had to sent him to his Dad, fair enough. I had a working day and I don't need the rush and naughtyness. 


I was aware that I draw the line a few times with Ricardo and Johannus, and that felt good being assertive. I don't feel much for tomorrow, tomorrow I will have the dentist, and I want to go to my healtcare company, to ask for a level higher in my dentist package. (I wrote about this)Let's see how this will go, I guess it will be a full day again. Tomorrow aswell Canada day in Canada (ofcource) Canada day means aswell Mar's Birthday, I miss seeing her, and I hope she has a great day. Gotta be a nice day, who else get's fireworks on there birthday! Enjoy Mar!!

Roddy Frame - SMALL WORLD

Amazing singer of the British band 'Aztec Camera.' Great song aswell, 'Small world.' Enjoy!

“Sun is shining. Weather is sweet. Make you wanna move your dancing feet.”

“Sun is shining. Weather is sweet. Make you wanna move your dancing feet.” 

Well, it was a bit to warm to move my dancing feet, but otherwise I had a great day. I really adore my work, I love it. Today I made the second wooden butler- tray, (tomorrow pics) another guy helped me, he made another one, or atleast tried. He was a new guy and never worked with wood, he did alright. The one I made was much better then the one I made last Thursday, it made me feel happy. The new guy I worked with, was a bit of a uhm, how you call such person? Saying something nice for example giving compliments, but just a bit to overreacting nice, and actually not meaning it, or just saying it to be nice and friendly but actually saying 'screw you,' (lol, Now I am overracting) Atleast that's how he came over to me. I talked a bit more to him later on, he was just a bit 'to' nice. Maybe he was just nervous.

But yeah, it was a nice day at work today, I had fun, the weather was good, and the work went fine. Perfect! It's all I need. Just a tiny bit worried about comming back to Humanitas after work, or worried? Maybe a bit not wanting, in other words, it's nice comming home after a hard day's work to a relaxed atmosphere without any drama or busy things. It's sometimes hard to find that atmosphere at Humanitas, it made me today a bit 'eek' and I know it's not the right feeling. Specially with the last weeks with the drama Johannus's break up, and Ricardo. This afternoon I thought to myself, I had just a bit enough of that drama,' I do still care about them though, but just, well, you know.I will work on that.This morning a resident told me that I spent to much time with them. I told him that I know when to stop, I know where the line is, I already told Johannus that it's sometimes just a bit to much. 


I just want to keep the peace, like always. I wont say right away, "No, not tonight!" if Johannus or Ricardo knocks on my door, that's not me. I would sit with him and talk about it, or say nothing at all. Last night I was a bit worried aswell, around 9:30 in the evening Johannus knocked on my door again with Ricardo, (way past his bedtime) Johannus told me he saw his ex stepping into another car with his youngest Son, she was with the guy where she slept with. Johannus followed them sneaky, and the guy saw him and drove like a maniac across the road, they nearly drove in the water. Johannus gave up following them, it went to crazy. Johannus was worried about his youngest Son who was in the other car. Ricardo sat with his Dad in the backseat, sigh! After that Johannus went to the police to tell them about his youngest Son, he was worried about him, he gave the police the guy's licince plate number. 


Johannus told me all this and he would like to check again cause he had a clue where his ex might be, I asked him to slow down and give it a rest. But no use, he went and I took care of Ricardo cause he wanted to stay with me. (I didn't mind) After 20 minutes Johannus came back and said, "I didn't go, it's no use, it's late." I told him again, to calm down and I asked him to call the child custody tomorrow to arrange about his youngest Son, "That's my plan," replied Johannus. Then they took off, thank God! I sure had enough of that day. This morning I wrote a little note for the staff, asking Johannus's counselor to keep an eye on him, and telling her about what happend last night. I don't want him and Ricardo to get in trouble, let Johannus's counselor deal with them. The 'eek' feeling I had today was for nothing cause Johannus and Ricardo weren't at Humanitas. Where they were, I didn't know. 


I made my dinner, and after my dinner I had a fresh shower, it did me good. Still Johannus and Ricardo weren't there, and I was thinking to myself, "I don't mind, this 'rest' feels good." I sat in the backyard enjoyning the afternoon sun, and some residents came along and sat with me. We talked and made some jokes, we had fun. It felt good, later on Paula dropped by aswell and sat with us. Perfect! I would be nice if Johannus and Ricardo were sitting with us and have the same fun but at the moment there sure not in the mood for such things, I wish it was different. I felt I had a day off, I really had a nice day. More day's like this will come! 


P.s. I hope Johannus and Ricardo are alright, specially Ricardo!

"Just another Sunday, Oh yaaa, just another Sunday, Just another Sunday, oh yaaa."

"Just another Sunday, Oh yaaa, just another Sunday, Just another Sunday, oh yaaa."

Sundays are fine, every shop is closed only the gasstations are open. So If you want to spend money there is an option to do so. Usually I get my grocery inside before the Sunday, so I won't get stuck. I'm feeling a bit better then yesterday, yesterday I felt tired and had alot of naps. Today I'm better, I had a good sleep and a nice shower. It's grey outside and it's only 16 degrees, tomorrow we will get a few degrees above that, I miss the warm weather. Like I said yesterday I had a appointment with Paula my counselor, my 'almost arranges everything for me,' I couldn't have maniched things without her. She's a busy woman, I always thank her after an appointment. Yesterday we talked about my money and my work.

I should have an appointment with that 'other' lady from Gak, remember? About what the chances were for me for re-intergration. Like I said, I'm already busy with re-intergration at Reha. Well, that lady chancelled the appointment last Thursday and I had to call her for another appointment, I tried to call her but she didn't answer her phone. It's the weekend now, so I guess I have to call her Monday, Paula told me that I could do that, but if you don't then that's not a crime either, I sure will get another appointment. I will see what I do tomorrow.

Peter the pig!

My healt-usurance, I recieved  the bills by mail from the last three months (appointments) from the dentist and it's quit alot of money what I have to pay. Ofcource twice a rootcanal threatment is expensive. My usurance will pay atleast 75% of the bill, and I have to pay the rest, (deductible) still, it's quit alot. Further I had to pay the monthly money for my health-usurance, what I 'have' to pay ofcource every month. Now I would like to change something in my healt-usurance, I have a extra dentist-usurance within the package of my healt-usurance. In that usurance you can choose a package, there's package one, two, three, and four. In package one I get 25% back from the money I pay for the dentist threatments, in package two I get , 50%, In package three, 75% and 100% in package four. 


At the moment I'm in package three so I get 75% back, Now the last three months being back in Holland I had alot of threatments at the dentist, (Bad teeth, I didn't went to the dentist for about three years in Canada, but I brushed my teeth daily though, lol) I'm thinking about going a package higher, from three to four, so I will get 100% back. I will have to pay fifteen Euro more then in the month but it's sure worth it. It all has to do with deductible, I have to pay to much still for my teeth threatments. I will ask this upcomming Wednessday at my healt-usurance if that's possible, then I can tell them right away that I found a new Doctor, they need to know that. 

Rrrricardooo!

~Do you remember this?

....I forgot alot of things what I had to stop while I was moving to Canada! There was the monthly care-allowence what I always had before I went to Canada, I had to stop that allowance cause I planned to move overseas ofcource. The company who payed me this care-allowance didn't know I moved overseas and they payed me every month a amount of money while I was in Canada. I didn't have the right on that money cause I was in Canada. It was the excact same thing with my monthly rent-allowance, I had to stop that aswell cause of the moving overseas. They payed me aswell every month while I was in Canada.

The care allowance has to be payed back, remember I told about the 76 Euro I have to pay every month till I get to the amount of money they want me to pay back? This paying back will take me 2 years, and I have to start with the paying the 1st of May. Now here's the thing, I asked again for care allowance every month, just like I had before I went to Canada. and they agreed, I will get every month care-allowance (70 Euro). AND I have to pay back every month care allowance (76 Euro). Are you still there? So I will get nothing but I also don't have to pay anything, right? right. 

"I want bread!!"

~And this?

....Today I had a appointment with Linda (my counsiler) and an old usurance man, who usuranced me since I have been living on my own, I know him now for more then 7 years. He's a good bussines man and knows how to sell things. I had a few usurances with him, they were the life-usurance, the contents-usurance. and the burial-usurance. These usurances have all been stopped when I went to Canada for good, (Oct. 2009) I didn't need them anymore and I can't use them in Canada. I even signed for it to stop the usurances, but a few months ago I noticed and saw on my bankstatements from the last 3 months, (I asked for these statements 2 months ago, cause I needed them for my income) that these usurances still have been paid untill May 2010. Paula and I wondered why these usurances been going on till that date.

Paula made an appointment with the man where I had these usurances with, and today he came. We would like to know if we still can get some money back, cause I stopped these usurances  almost 2 years ago. That wasn't possible cause they already have been stopped automaticly in May 2010, but there kinda still open to be re-opend (are you still there?) It felt and sounded like a puzzle what he all said. " You need to call the company, I can't do that here for you now," said the usurance man. So, all the usurances has been (kinda) stopped and we needed to know if we still can get some money from these usurances. (policy) We didn't want these usurances to be re-opened or start new ones. Paula called the company to see if we can get some money back, it took a while, but in the end... We got some money back! Yay! It was alot of money! 

Within 2 weeks I will get mail from the usurance company with the total amount of money what I will recieve, then I have to fill in a paper what I have to send back. Then within 10 days (the company told me) the amount of money will be standing on my bank account! 

Now, I'm still waiting for that mail! I don't even know how much money I get, yeah, alot but how much? They said two weeks, the time is urgent. Cause my plan was to pay the whole sum of money of the care-alowance guild before the 31st of May. At that date I need to start paying for my care alowance, every month 76 Euro. Tomorrow is the 31st of May. Paula asked me to call them upcomming Wednessday to inform about this mail and the money what I should becomming. Maybe I will do it earlier, I will see, eeek! I so don't like making phonecalls! In the meanwhile I will start paying the 76 Euro from tomorrow on monthly. Hello? 

A Heron caught by my camera.

A Dutch little Farmer's house.

 The day is ending and it was an alright day, although I can spend only one hour in the week with Ricardo, and one hour in the weekend, I still see them alot. Ricardo knocks on my door quit often, sometimes he's alone and sometimes Johannus is with him. You can say I spend more time with them then other residents, I don't do it on purpose though, it just happens. Ricardo needs to spend alot time with his son, but so now and then, Johannus is asking me aswell to join him for a walk or for a car ride. Today we went to the children's farm, and that was nice. And we cooked dinner together. hmm, it's a bit much right? Yes it is, but I think aswell that they have a rough time now, they need some comfort, but still there's a line. Enough is enough. 

I'm handsome, and you know it!

If it's getting to much then I will tell them, so far so good. Johannus asked me if we can always cook together, but I just don't know. I told them okay, but I have my doubts. If we do that we have to make agreements, who's gonna pay that all? And who's gonna buy or cook? Refussing them would perhaps hurt them, I really hope they get a place for there own soon. It's better for them and for me. Good news is that Johannus was alot calmer then yesterday, he had a few jokes today, and that made me feel good. 

"Enough is enough."

"Enough is enough."

It's much colder outside, it such a nice weather for naps, and so I did. I had three naps yesterday and today 'idem dito' I had three naps. I'm tired, my body is asking for sleep. I didn't do much today, it was almost like yesterday, I did my grocery and finnished my last laundry. I think I start today a little episode of the soap serie 'Humanitas,' there's a huge drama going on recently. I bet 'Steven Spielberg' would have filmed it right away.

The Bold and the Beautifull or As the world turns?

I already wrote a bit about Johannus and his girlfriend that they are seperated now. It all happened in two days, I saw it comming though but not so fast. In shorth,  last Monday Johannus girlfriend dumped him. Now Johannus  got right away another room right and his girl stayed in the big Family room were they always have lived. The child custody wanted to decide what to do with the kids within two days and the staff is gonna decide what to do with Johannus and his girlfriend.The Kids needed to stay with Jo's girlfriend, Ricardo went sad cause he wanted to stay with his Dad. In the late afternoon child custody decided that Ricardo could stay with his Dad, the other little one stayed with Mom. 


Johannus is not himself anymore, he has crying moments and can't sleep at night. He's restless and suspicious about his ex, he keeps talking about her, sigh! Ricardo? He's a bit different too, he seems calm and quiet, the 'adhd' seemed to be disapeared. I feel sorry for him that he has to go trough this, his Dad wants to talk about his problems to every resident, but he has to be aware that his Son is standing next to him. I would like to help Ricardo but I can't really be there for him.The child custody and Humanitas told Johannus that I have to spent less time with Ricardo, and I sure understand that. I spend way to much time with the little one, Ricardo likes me cause I spent time with him and I gave him the attention he needs. I like him too, I like how I take care of him, I like him he's cute. Perhaps it's the fact that I miss the taking care of the two little ones in Canada, Tasn and Ab.

I miss those kids too so now and then, miss being around them, I feel there's a empty space without them, and Ricardo fills that space. But I know it's not healty to play the Dad for Ricardo and I know that I have to take a step back, it was getting to much for Ricardo and his Dad. But aswell for me, Ricardo needs to spend time with his Dad alot more, he has the custody now over him. Child custody and Humanitas decided that I can spend time with Ricardo only on wednessday for two hours and in the weekend for only two hours. Ofcource I will bump into Ricardo daily here, that is okay, it's not that I have to avoid him or that we have to lock ourselves up. I'm fine and okay with the decision. I do still feel sorry for Ricardo though, I really hope his Dad takes good care of him, he deserves that!


Now the turning point. Something has happend, and Johannus went mad, but stayed calm. Jo informed me on MSN that his ex-girlfriend slept with another resident a few days ago. I know the resident and most of the other residents knows him too, Johannus was getting along aswell with him. But now? Wow, Jo couldn't believe what has happend, his buddy at Humanitas betrayed him with his own ex. Jo and his girl were just seperated a few days ago, and now this. How did Johannus find out? Johannus brought Ricardo upstairs to his Mom, (ex) cause Jo had to go somewhere to help someone in the Family moving. Ricardo saw the other resident comming from Mom's room while walking upstairs. When Johannus arrived the resident was already gone, but this resident has a very strong perfume. 

Johannus got suspicious and asked his ex girlfriend about it, ofcource she says, "No." Ricardo went to his Mom's bed to have a little laydown and he smelled the strong perfume and right away regonizes the perfume and tells his Dad about it. Johannus walks away cause he had to go, and Ricardo needed to get ready for school.  Johannus's  ex needed to take care of Ricardo that he's on time for school. Johannus informed me about this drama in the evening on MSN, I already wandered that day where Johannus and Ricardo were. They were staying with a friend but they will return to Humanitas to get some clothes within 15 minutes, cause they were both planning to get a weekend out. I asked Johannus if I could see them before they went, he said, "No, I need to get some clothes and were gone, we will be back Sunday." He knocked on my door just before he went for the weekend, LOL! Confussed tough guy! 

He spoke again about his ex, he still couldn't believe it. Ricardo was staring at the floor, he was obliviously tired. Poor little fellow, I felt sorry for him. I took him on my lap, Johannus told me that he might get a fever cause he's feeling hot. "Take good care of him, and be a bit quiet when you talk about the ex infront of him," I told him, "He sure knows it by now." Johannus responded, "I sure will," I understand that Johannus is confussed and mad, but he has to keep it down a bit infront of his Son. Otherwise he will have a breakdown and that's not right for a guy of his age. The time had come that Johannus wanted to go and there they went, Ricardo slept in the car. Today early in the morning they came already back, so far the long weekend out? In about an hour Ricardo knocked on my door, with Johannus standing beside him, Johannus told about where he spent the night, he was with Frank. He goes there often now, it's better then staying here. 

It was 8:00 am and they asked me to come with them to the market, I was tired and I refussed. I had a appointment with Paula aswell at 11:00 I told Johannus. "Maybe in the afternoon," I said. I went for a nap, and Johannus and his Son were going to the market. (*I will tell tomorrow about my appointment with Paula*) While the appointment was still going on Johannus knocked on the office door where I sat with Paula, my appointment was almost done though, and it was alright he came in with Ricardo. Paula talked a bit with Johannus, Johannus talked about his ex again ofcource. After a little while Ricardo asked me to go with Dad and him to go to the market, "If that's alright with your Dad, then it's alright, sure," I told him. His Dad was alright with that, he actually insisted. Johannus asked me if I was ready, I told him that I need to change my clothes first and that I'll be done in 10 minutes. When I came back to the office (dressed properly) Ricardo was standing there and told me not to go into the office, "We need to stay here, cause daddy is in a conversation with Paula.

It was going rough and I took care of Ricardo, he was to calm and not himself. I held him in my hands for a bit and played a bit. After Johannus's  talk we took off to the market, Again Johannus spoke constantly about the ex. Ricardo walked around like not himself, he didn't even want a candy when I offered him one. After the walk I told Johannus to be calm and give it all a rest, "I need my rest too," I told him, "I'm taking another nap." It gets tired after a while all that talking from him, sure he wants and needs to talk, but I can't help him, I can only give him some advice and that's it. I explained him that I don't want to get involved aswell, and that I don't want to choose sides. I spend time with him cause I feel sorry for him and specially for his son, but I don't want other residents to talk bad about me, I don't want that they think I choose a side. Aswell I have my own problems too and I need time for myself.

He sure understood, and he took off with his Son again, he planned to get some fish from the market. I was napping and napping, lol. I felt I was out of breath, I was happy that I took the rest and that I could take the rest I needed. After my dinner Johannus came back with Ricardo, I could tell that Jo is not calm but restless, he wants to know what's going on with his ex, where she is, what she's doing, etc, ect. And he's dragging Ricardo with him. I really hope that he does not crazy things what he will regret later, he can't do that for his Son and for himself. Everytime Johannus hears a door or a car he gets up to see who it is, it makes Ricardo suspicious and frighten too. If they would ask me what's the best option is for Johannus and Ricardo then it would be that he needs to get out of here and start to get focused on his Son and on his future. 


He worries about his second younger son aswell, "That's why I'm so restless and suspicious," he told me. "My little Son is together with my ex and that other resident where my ex slept with, and that worries me," he shouted. I understood him. The day was comming to an end and I told them both to be calm and try to give it a rest. I just had a little time with Ricardo tonight just before he had to go to bed, cause Johannus had to go to fill the gas tank. I joked around with Ricardo and petted him, it was nice to see him laugh. But I know he loves his Dad very much, I sure I could tell, I was happy with that. 


How am I under this all? Am I not to much involved? I might be yes, I have the feeling I am, but I know aswell what to do and where the line is. If it gets TO much I sure will take a step back, cause I need to do that for myself. I told Johannus today about getting involved to much twice, and I'm proud of myself I did. I told a few times 'no' aswell, (being assertive, lol) Sometimes it's hard to say 'no,' cause I feel sorry for them specially Ricardo. But I have to. So far it's all good, no worries here!

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book."

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book."

The long sleep was there but the laugh was missing, but that's okay, there will be more days with laughter. I felt so tired today, I felt I swallowed a brick aswell, heavy feelings on my chest. Normally I have these feelings after a long week with work. But today was extreme,I guess I have to blame the drama what's going on lately at Humanitas (Ricardo/Johannus) and count the working days with it, and there you go. I do my work, feel okay and get along with the 'drama', here and suddenly... 'beng,' it hits you. It's been a exhausting day, I did a few groceries and did one part of laundry, and that's it. I took two naps, the first nap was a small half hour,and the second one was one hour and a half. I felt I could sleep some more, but I didn't. 

I bought some...

I think it's just one of the days again, many thoughts go trough my mind. I don't know if it's a good or positive thought but if they would offer me the chance to go back to Canada, I would say, "No." I have the feeling that there is not much there for me, except giving Tasn a BIG hug! Living in Canada? I don't know, at the moment it's a 'no.' To much work and perhaps to much stress. I don't want to return to Canada just for meeting 'the Family,' but just living there, hmm, who knows. I hope I don't bump into Saf then, she might get anxcious, or upset, and I surely don't want that. Just imagine living in Barrie or Mississauga, (Mississauga would be better) I would automaticly want to visit them or you might bump into them by accident, that's not my thing.

I have been looking for houses today aswell in the city where I live now, some other residents were telling me that it's hard to find a house here. Usually you will get a flat or a appartment, I know there's not much choice with my monthly income. It makes me a little bit nervous, I always told myself that everything will be better after I have a house, well, slightly. I know aswell that I don't get a villa with a pool in the backyard, but I need to be a bit more realistic though. Otherwise you might get dissapointed after I get a house. Am I happy now? I'm okay, I'm quit happy how the things are going, my income, usurances, work, that's all good. Now it's time for the next step.

...strawberry's for my sandwisch.... but I thought I could...

Living on my own, I have the feeling I have been living long enough at Humanitas. I'm a little bit frighten though, cause I don't know what kinda house I will get and what will be there waiting for me. But I'm sure I am ready for it, I long for a house on my own. I have the feeling that there is so much to do though, but when I think of it long enough then the half is already done. I need furniture though and other things to fill the house and other things what is needed. I achieved many things from January till now, I guess this I will achieve too. I hope I will be happy in my new house, I planned to have a happy future, that's my goal. I suffered enough. 

...add some slices of banana on it aswell...Yum!

I have an appointment with Linda tomorrow at 11:00, I will talk about 'housing' with her, but I guess I have to find a house by myself according to other residents. I need to start working on myself again, recently I have the feeling that I get lazy with such things, I need to start paying attention. Get a nice house, get a proper job, have enough income, get some friends. 


I'm ready!

"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work."

"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work."

 I love the work I do, although it's hard work sometimes with hard thinking. This working day was nice, we had laughs and made fun, it's a nice bunch of people together. Today I completed another butler-tray, it seems so easy but I worked almost a whole day on that tray, I wasn't that happy about it that I did only one tray. But I was happy that in the end of the day I finnished that whole tray, that tray where I worked so hard on. I made some little mistakes and did some miss-counts, and the other workers were joking around with me, (lol!) "Aren't you finnished yet," they tell me, or, "I could have made four trays in one day." That's all okay, I know it's all fun and jokes. This comming Monday I need to make another tray, and then I want to accomplish it without any mistakes and miss-counts. I'm such a perfectionist, LOL!

There's so much dust comming from the electric sawing machines at work, I don't think it's that healthy. We open alot of windows and doors though and that seems to help a bit, but still. This little factory is in need of more workers, more tools and more (mighty) machines. We still have work to do, but it can also be one day that the work is all over. But so far, were still having some work. Today someone called for me at work, it was my counseler Linda, who told me that my re-intergration appointment was not going trough. I had at 3:00 pm a appointment with a lady who wanted to know what the options are for me for re-intergration, the lady is from Gak, Gak is the company where I get my monthly money from. Well, I'm in the middle of a re-intergration program at Reha, I don't need other options.

Funny thing is that at Reha I'm doing re-intergration with aswell a lady from Gak, she leads me trough this project and tries to find proper jobs for me. And now this other lady from Gak wants to invite me to see what options there are for me for re-intergration. Linda left me a phone-number of the other lady so I can call her tomorrow, and I will call her tomorrow.
There was so much wind today, I was out of breath almost when I arrived at the free dinner. I didn't expect to see Ricardo there, he came with two other residents who I know. I sat with them cause Ricardo wanted to, just like yesterday. Johannus walked in aswell what really suprises me. He had a appointment with the child custody today, and he told about it a bit. He told me that Ricardo can visit me only two hours in three days weekly from now on. I understood why cause Ricardo spents much more time with me then his own Father, and that's not right, I see it aswell.

I do alot stuff with him what actually his Father should be doing with him. I almost never did mind though, I like Ricardo aswell. I thought about it today, why I liked Ricardo that much, perhaps it's the fact that I miss having kids around me, what I had in Canada. Ricardo fills in that empty space, and I must say, when Johannus told me that Ricardo can see me less during the week, I felt a bit bad about it, but I understand, it's better this way. It's better for Johannus and Ricardo and better for me, they need to spend time with each other. I think them leaving Humanitas and find a place for themselves is the best option, so they can be with each other and lessen the drama from Humanitas. It's not healty for little kids here. Johannus and his ex-girlfriend plus there two sons are still seeing each other, there's no avoiding each other possible here. The need to go, or the ex-girlfriend needs to go. 

Ricardo wants to stay with his Dad, and his Dad needs to take care of him like a maniac, he needs to prove child custody that he's able to do that from now on. I wish him luck, I must say he's doing a much better job then he used to did. To much Ricardo/Johannus writting lately, I'm sorry, hehe!  I just feel like I'm in the middle of this whole drama. After the free dinner I went for a long walk with Johannus and Ricardo, Ricardo cried cause he wanted to be with me after we ated. Johannus refussed but he took me with him for the walk. It was a nice walk and I had fun, but just that sometimes I think that they need to go, go from Humanitas. It's way much better for them and for me aswell. There's just a little bit to much stress and pressure.I don't want to stay that long here aswell, just like my counseler Linda told me, "It's better for you to stay not that long here."

"Love that cares, listens."

"Love that cares, listens."

Fully day today, even though I had a day off work. But okay, now I'm here writting this post with next to me the nicest cuppa coffee you can imagine, I wish you could smell it!  What made this day so full, well, I feel like I'm standing a bit between a couple who are seperated. I hope it's just a feeling, I will for sure take a step back. Like I said before, Johannus and his girl are seperated just two days ago, his girl is for sure not willing to return to him according to Johannus. This Morning with the second coffee break Johannus broke out in tears, with his kids beside him. It does something to me, Johannus is such a big tough guy and seeing him cry made me wanna cry almost too. I talked to him, it's such a akward situation. They both seperated last monday, Johannus got an another room and his girl stayed in the big Family room. Now the child custody wants to decide what to do with the kids within two days and the staff is gonna decide what to do with Johannus and his girlfriend. Hello? they have been seperated for 2 days?!

Sometimes couples need to be seperated for a while and just let them be. Maybe it will heal, or maybe it wont, but atleast they need the rest what they deserve. I know some couples that have been seperated for a half year and decided later to come back to each other. That's possible aswell,  but this seperation is unbelievable, it's alot of pressure for this Family and it's going way to fast. I know that Humanitas is not a good place for Families, sitting with each other 24 hours a day on each other's lip isn't that healty. Anyway, seeing Johannus cry did something to me, he talks alot about his girl, he sure has regrets. But I'm not gonna choose sides, and I'm not gonna stand in between. Or am I doing that already?  I take care sometimes of Ricardo, today was hectic. Ricardo knocked on my door at 1:00 pm, I just woke up from a nap. He throwed his schoolbag in the corner and sat with me, apearantly he came right from school to my room. "Are you going to the store?" He asked me. 

I answered, "Maybe, but I'm not sure," he was way to early. I was still tired and exhausted, it was my day of from work aswell.  I like spending time with him but to much is to much, but okay. His Dad was fixing his computer with his Nephew, "let's go see them," I told Ricardo. His Dad and Ricardo had planned to go feed the geesses today, and Ricardo asked me to join us. That was alright with me, so we could go right after that to the store. Ricardo Happy, me satisfied. It was a nice out, but Ricardo was a bit naughty and not listening, he had his adhd medication a bit to late. Ricardo bought a tray of 12 pop cans (little ones) and he finnised them all in 3 hours. Johannus stayed calm and that suprised me, he guided and parented his son nicely. After the geeses we sat in the garden to have a little rest. Ricardo played football, and sat with me for a few minutes while Johannus went to the toilet. I spoke to Ricardo for a bit and told him that he needs to listen more often otherwise he would get punished more, then I hugged him. 

It was nearly time for the ' free dinner,' Ricardo asked me to bring him with me. His Dad said "No," in the first place, but Ricardo wanted to go. Johannus didn't wanna go, that's understandable, the people will be talking there and ask questions. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided to take Ricardo with me, on the bike. Johannus needed to go somewhere and would be back shortly, I took care of Ricardo. He was a nice boy whit dinner, I bet it had to do with the french fries we were getting, he ated it all. After the dinner we went to 'Action,' it's a store like the ' Dollar store'. I planned to buy some color books and some color pencils, Ricardo saved some money and wanted to buy something too, he bought two boxes what he had to fold himself, plus a bottle of Pepsi. He always has his saved money in his pocket, so I decided to but him a cheap little wallet, it was all good. Funny when we arrived at the cash register, Ricardo puts all the small money (coins) he has into the cashier's hands and letted her count the right amount of money, he does it in every shop. 


It made me think while I spended time with Ricardo, that it goes so easy this parenting, this taking care of him. It makes me proud of myself, it makes me feel good, I'm not that a bad Father, LOL! I can be proud of myself. When we got back at Humanitas Johannus was already back from his 'going out,' I sat with him and his two sons for a while, Ricardo was folding his new boxes. After the folding he wanted to go with me to my room to color, like I promised him. While coloring he seemed to be busy and hectic, he was full of energy and just a bit to hyper. It made me tired and I asked him to take it easy, "I'm busy," he replied with a laugh. I became tired and had a bit of enough from this afternoon, and decided that it was enough, I spend almost 7 hours with Ricardo. He refused and became angry at me, I asked  him to be nice to me, then Johannus knocked on my door right on time, Ricardo shouted that he didn't want to see me anymore. 

I came towards Ricardo and I told him that I spent the whole afternoon with him, then I summed all up what we did and what we bought. "You won't get this done with the other residents here," I told him. He replied, "Yeah? well, we didn't even go for a bikeride on my bike." Sigh! I told him that if he wants to spend time with me this comming days he has to be nice. He was to hyper to understand this and I letted him be. We cleared up the coloring books and pensils and sat a while in the big 'green 'living room. Ricardo was still full of energy and became a bit naughty, I had enough and thought to myself, "It wont be long now till I have time for myself, Ricardo needs to go to bed." 

Ricardo's Mom came into the big room and asked Johannus to take care of his youngest Son while she goes into the shower, first they talked for a little while.  I felt I was right in the middle of a seperated couple and I didn't like it. Taking care of Ricardo this week, talking to Johannus and comfort him, ugh! I need to take a little step back, I will atleast try. After 20 minutes Johannus and I decided to call it a night, Johannus's ex was done with showering. First Johannus asked me to go with him for one more walk, but I refused, it was enough. I went to my room and thought, "Finally a 'me' time." I need to take a step back. After 20 minutes Johannus knocked on my door again, and he told me that he had a little walk with his Son, the look on his face told me enough, I needed to sit with him for 5 minutes. I explained him though that I had a long day, and that I didn't had much time for myself, he understood.

I went to my room after 10 minutes, and decided not to come out anymore, it's 'me,' time now. What did I learn about this afternoon? Maybe that I become a bit to much involved into the seperated couple, and that I need to take a step back. Or maybe that I care to much and that I want to help, but I know aswell that's not up to me, I don't want to get involved. I care about Ricardo and the situation he is in now grabs me, but enough is enough. Sometimes I need to be a bit tougher to him, and not only him. "Assertiveness," learn to say 'no' when you want to say no. I know what to do, and I will. 


p.s. I told Ricardo before he went to bed, that he had to write 100 times on a piece of paper that's he's sorry for shouting to Sjon today, before Friday. He smilled and told me that he can't count till 100,we both laughed. "Okay 50 then," I asked, Okay, "I'll try," he responded. 
Damn cute Kiddo!

"Relaxation."

"Relaxation."

Ah, the feeling when you come back after a hard day's work and you can totally relax. It's different though here at Humanitas, sure you get your rest, but you have aswell other residents to deal with. Some people need a talk or a little chat, and some people ask you to go with them, or fix this or fix that for them. Sometimes it's nice with the residents, but sometimes you want and need some time for yourself. This makes me think of my Dad now, when he came from work he needed rest aswell, and for sure quitness. Oh yeah. quitness. It became almost automatic, Daddy is home? Quiet in the house.I understand that now, but then, at that time it became almost anoying. We were a small Family with me and My Mom and Dad. We didn't make much noise with the three of us.

When I come from work nowadays, I sometimes think to myself, "What will be there waiting for me?" I use to hide or sneak quitly and fast to my room for some people, and yeah, Ricardo. But sometimes I miss him when he's not showing up, like today. He was out with his Dad, and I saw him and hugged him later. When I will be living on my own, it will be different when I then come back from work. No hidding or sneaking quietly and fast to my room, just relax and do what ever I want in my time. I'm sure it will be different, I will like it but aswell secretly miss the hidding or sneaking in. Cooking will be different also, now I have to take care of my money, and I have not that much cooking equipment. That will change, and then I can cook a proper meal. 

Butler-tray.

This day was okay, work was good. I made a little butler-tray, the tray was easy but the tray needed a standard to stand on. (See picture) And that wasn't so easy, in the end we maniched. But the standard needed to be different, it needed to be folded so you can put it away. Thursday I will change it again, I was exhausted when I got back from work. Like I said Ricardo was out with his Dad, that made me have time for a little rest. I Changed my clothes, washed myself a bit and layed down on the bed. No computer just closing my eyes for 30 minutes. Then a easy dinner, marcaroni with a chopped sausage. 

After dinner I had a relaxing time on the laptop, I thought, "It's you and me tonight, lol."  I like it though, around 8:00 a nice cuppa coffee. I might take a snack around 9:30, but that doesn't happen that often. Around 8:00 I heard a car comming back and I knew it was Johannus, I needed to see Ricardo, lol, I shut down the computer and went to there room. Johannus bought a second hand computer, but he couldn't get it started. He asked me to help him but I don't know that much about computers. He often talks about the seperation between him and his ex-girlfriend, I told him to let it have a rest for a few weeks, it's not a subject to talk about infron of his son aswell. It's such a akward situation. 


Around 10:00 I went back to my own room, to go further with my relaxation. Sometimes it comes to my mind, that I find it already nice in my own room, but look at my room, I have a bed a closet, a desk and one chair that's it. When I will be living on my own I will have more, but see how I can enjoy things already with less things. It's just material but hey, I love it! It's mine for a while. I'm aware that things will only get better from here on. I'm looking forward to it. Hold on I'm comming!

“Being single isn’t bad. What is bad is giving up hope on finding that someone special.”

“Being single isn’t bad. What is bad is giving up hope on finding that someone special.”

I had a good day at work, laughs with the other workers in the morning and in the afternoon nicely worked. We sung along with the radio and made jokes, I laughed hard. So now and then a nice looking girl comes to work, she does something at the office and leaves again, blush, she looks good! Brunnete, not to tall and a very nice smile, today I wondered if she was single. Am I looking for a date? Am I okay? Woot! hehe! I guess when such thing as dating happen it will happen, I have time though, but yeah, you never know, like I said, when it happens it happens. Only I hope when it happens, I hope it happens good! LOL! It seems everyone is dating around me, maybe I should start to, but easy going here, oh yeah! No rush.

Johannus came to work aswell for a few hours, I think he was just as nerves as me, lol! I wondered to myself how he would act while working, and how he would cope. When he came in the afternoon he walked straight towards me, and asked me what he had to do. I told him to go to the boss who was standing there, and that he will tell him what to do. He insisted to work with me, the boss told him that that was okay. I was sawing a bunch of lats, and Johannus helped me, he kept on asking me what he had to do. He was nerves, aaw, poor big guy. He worked only for two hours cause he had to pick up his son aswell from the kindergarten.I'm glad he came to work though, he needs it.

The working afternoon went on and I became tired, thank god it was four 'o' clock. When I got back at Humanitas Daniel was playing football, and he asked me to join him. I told him that I just got back from work, I refused, but I sat with him for a while. I expected that Ricardo waiting for me, but he came five minutes later with his Dad. Daniel asked Johannus why he looked so ignorrant. Johannus raized his shoulders saying, he don't know. It was busy in the backyard, and Johannus came towards me and tol me he had to go to another room, he was always in room 23 with his Family on the third floor, now he has to move to room 20, that's the second floor. It was to hectic to understand what he was saying.

Then Ricardo came to me and asked me to go with him to the supermarket, ugh! I was tired but okay, I went with him. "I need to change my working clothes first, and after shopping I need a little rest," I told Ricardo, that was alright with him. He went with me to my room and when he sat on my bed he started to cry a bit, I asked him what was going on. He told me that he wanted to stay with his Dad and now with his Mom. I told him that his Mom and Dad will always be together, there just going to move from room 23 to room 20. Ricardo answered, "Mom and Dad have that 'thing' again, now Humanitas want me to stay with my Mom, but I don't want that." It all made sense to me now, I hugged Ricardo and kissed him on his head, I told him that it's going to be alright and that he doesn't have to worry.

Johannus and his girlfriend are seperated, (for a while) Johannus goes to room 20 and his girlfriend is staying at room 23. I feel bad for the kids, specially Ricardo, I just don't know what to say or think about Johannus and his girlfriend. I wont tell any details, but only that I saw this comming. I don't want to get involved in this either but that's just a bit hard though cause of Ricardo. Johannus talked to me already, and I talked to him. I just answered shortly, I told him to take it easy this week, maybe then things will change. 5 minutes later after I talked to Johannus, I saw a slightly happy Ricardo, he can stay at room 20 with his Dad. He whistled a song when he carried a few bags with his clothing and toys. He seems happy, but I guess he will come back at that, I'm sure he will miss his Mom one day. Sigh! I told to Ricardo that if he wants a talk or just a nice time or a playtime, he is always welcome. Further I'm not involving! No more drama for me.

Wow! Welcome to the wonderfull world of Humanitas, it's almost becomming like a soap opera. Anyway, were moving along. This morning my bill from last Saturday has been payed, the bill was from my health-insurance, remember the collection agency? Bailiffs? I had to pay a bill from 2009 within 5 days, it had to do with 'deductible,' *In an insurance  policy, the deductible (also known as 'excess' in some countries, especially the United Kingdom) is the portion of any claim that is not covered by the insurance provider. It is the amount of expenses that must be paid out of pocket before an insurer will cover any expenses* Thank you Wikipedia, so yeah that has been payed, quit alot though for a deductible bill.

I'm getting some taxes back aswell upcomming Wednessday, together with another resident I have to sign a paper and that's it. Good times and bad times today, five minutes ago Paula knocked on my door with the taxes letter, I aswell told her about that I had a crying Ricardo in my room today, Paula and I talked a bit about it, and she gave me one advice, "Watch out." I sure will "Watch out."

First a coffee!

"O sleep, O, gentle sleep."

"O sleep, O, gentle sleep."

I like resting on Sundays, just doing nothing and lay my head to rest. I took a few naps today, two in the morning and one in the afternoon. The weather is nice, sometimes a bit of rain and then suddenly the sun bursts out again and it almost blinds you. I need to recharge for tomorrow's work, that's why I rest, last night I almost fell asleep behind the computer. During the week I'm quit alright, but when the weekend comes and I have my rest, I go flat, feeling tired and sleepy. Yesterday was aswell a busy day though with Ricardo and such, today he was okay. He asked me alot of things but I told him friendly that I need aswell time for myself. I took him with me in my room for a little while, we had some lunch and did some writting and coloring. After that I sent him to his Mom and Dad, cause I needed something to do, 'wink, wink,' (not) "After dinner you can come back," I told him. He was alright with that.

Yesterday an un-expected mail came in my mailbox, it was from a collection-agency. (Hope Google translate has it right) In other words I have to pay a bill within 5 days, it's from my health-insurance. They want me to pay a bill from 2009, hello? The mail was from a collection agency like I said, it's a company with bailiffs aswell. The mail made me nerves a bit cause I never, had 'such' a mail and never had bailiffs. My counseler told me not to be nerves, "Upcomming Monday I will ask the secretary here to pay this bill from you money." The bill wasn't a 1000 of Euro's but still it was a bit of a pain to pay, strange though that it was a bill from last 2009, specially that I don't have a clue what, or why. Tomorrow at my work I will call the secretary just to be sure she has seen the bill and payed it. 


How am I doing? I'm alright, the missing feelings are becoming less. Sure I still think of them, but I'm alright with it, it hurts less. Although, when Tasn flashes trough my mind it hurts a bit more. I will always keep her in my mind, I still care for her, even though I'm far away. Perhaps I can call it a long distance care-friendship. I hope she's doing fine at school and that she has a lot of friends in Barrie. Love ya Tasn! Further then that, I'm doing fine, I'm getting the money what I need and where I have a right on, I got my usurances. Work is going good, everything is progressing slowly and that's what I like, slowly but steady. Just a little bit nerves about getting a new house, and living on my own again. But it gives a happy feeling aswell. 


I'm getting along at Humanitas, you build a certain kinda attatched feeling up here though. And that can be good or not good, I don't know,we will see. Humanitas has been good for me, that's for sure, with here and there some ups and downs, but okay. I'm looking forward for tomorrow's work, the weekend was and is nice, but the week is so much better, cause there is more to do in the week.

"So many people, so less time."

"So many people, so less time."

Another chaotic day, sometimes I wish I just had some more time for myself, I guess I have to force myself to it. Let's start right away with Ricardo then that's done. He's been hectic and chaotic to day, He's attatched to me, and he's not giving himself time to eat, according to him, I'm waiting for him. I really like him, and I would like to help to calm him down or to give him some attention or the love that he needs. But I need aswell time for myself so now and then, I want and I will work on that starting tomorrow. Like I said today was pffeeww, hectic. The morning was quit okay, cause Ricardo was out. Arround 11:30 he knocked at my door, he told me there's coffee down stairs waiting in the garden. I had to come. 


I could use a cuppa so I came with him, Ricardo had his plan spending time with me already planned. I promised him to have a bike ride with him and doing some grocery yesterday. After the coffee Ricardo had to go for a bit with his Mom and Dad, that gave me the oppertunity to have a good rest, in other words a nap. Around 12:00 I had a appointment with Paula, (counseler) we talked for a while but didn't had much news. Only I had a mail from Gak, and it told me that I had a appointment with them, it was about re-integration. Gak wants to look together with me what the possibillities are for re-integration/work. Well, I am already working at Reha and Reha is a kind of a re-integration project, this project will see what I'm able of to do and from there Reha will look for a job for me. 

The funniest thing is now, I recently are in contact with a lady from Gak who does work together with Reha. (I told about this before)This lady wants  to look for me for a certain kinda job what will be good for me and suits me, I talked with her already what my abillities are and what I'm able of. Now in the mail I got from Gak is written that I have a appointment with a lady who I don't know. Funny is that these two ladies, the one from Reha/Gak and the one from Gak are working for the same company Gak. Akward, and I don't need another re-integration company/factory, I'm good with Reha. But I will go to that appointment just to tell them I'm already taken. 

The day went on and after my appointment with Paula I asked for a key to unlock the shed where Ricardo's bike was in, he has a really nice looking BMX bike. I used Paula's key and I saw Johannus standing by the door without Ricardo, he might be searching for me. I gave the key back to Paula and Paula said that the shed will be locked again by the night-guard. I went upstairs to look for bmx-Ricardo, I had my Ricardo/schedule/plan ready. Ricardo stood at my door and he asked me where I was, he knocked so many times on my door. I told him that I unlocked the shed where his bike was in, he was happy and we took off. He had money with him for the drink what we will buy, lol! I explained to him what he has to do while were riding the bike. 

"Don't go ahead of me, always stay beside me on the right side, and don't take of," he understood it all and we took of. The riding went well and we drove quit a while, I was aware that we drove in the city on a saturday afternoon and that's a busy day with lots of traffic. But it went well, Ricardo asked me many time what WE are going to eat tonight, "WE, can buy that kinda food or that kinda food," he's was clever in his askings, so he could spend more and more time with me. But I longed for a evening for myself tonight, but we will see what happens. I had a good time with him though, even though he was hectic. After our drive we went to the grocery store, I needed my weekly food. 


Ricardo wanted to buy drinks and I had to help him as usual, it was alright. We had a good time in the store, only he ask sometimes for some candy or free drinks, I have to refuse that sometimes, otherwise he will be asking it all the time. He bought a bottle od Sissi, and 4 cans of juice. While I payed my grocery I bought 2 Snickers aswell, he was a nice boy while ridding his bike, so yeah, deserved. Back at Humanitas I wanted to prepair my food but Ricardo offered me (again) to eat with him or his parents, I told him that tonight I will eat by myself, he can help me or eat with me with his parents food, but that's it. He wanted to help me but later on he took of, he started to go hectic, prolly his medication for his adhd was worked out.


I cooked alone and ated alone, Ricardo was playing everywhere, he seemed alright. Later on he went a bit naughty and his parents went mad. That's always the time when he goes bananas, (adhd-time) he curses and uses bad, bad language, and wants to throw things. Result? Angry parents and angry Ricardo. Within 20 minutes the storm was past and everything seemed normal. I went upstairs to sneak out for my "me" time, but 10 minutes later Ricardo knocked on my door. It was 8:00pm, he was sweating and breathing heavy, "I'm hungry and Mom doesn't want to make me any food cause I was naughty, and Dad is angry at me," he said, he cried a bit. Sigh! "I can't alway be there for him," I thought. I went with him to his Mom and she told me he was naughty and that he has to listen, she wasn't mad at him. 


Ricardo insisted food, then he took off again with a hectic head. Sigh I decided to go to my room, knowing he would be there, and he was. I took him with me and layed on my bed for a while, I talked with him and we played some games. I told him that he can stay till 9:00 then I will bring him back. I letted him make some homework, the "Name 3 things what you want to change about yourself, " game. We made it a funny game, and it went alright. He calmed down and then I brought him upstairs. Ricardo has to listen to his Mom and Dad, and stop the bad language, I wish I could help him but it's tough sometimes, I have respect though for his Mom and Dad. This week I want to work on myself and Ricardo, he can't be with me all the time. I need aswell time for me and my important things.


I will be with him, but less, when I'm with him I will give him attention and will spend time with him, but less. I still love him, and I'm sure that this upcomming week will be better for me and Ricardo, I had a chaotic day but it was alright.

"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."

"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."

Yes, a little subject about children again, I can't help it. I see two little kids running and wondering around here at Humanitas, and many times I chooked my head. This place is NOT  a good inviroment for kids, they see bad things from older people here what they shouldn't be seeing. Bad language, sometimes drinking, argues and issues, etc, etc. Kids need to play, kids need to see what kids may see, Kids need to be kids and play with other kids from there own age.The only good thing about it now, the Humanitas staff and the parents are going to do something about this. Ricardo has ADHD, and sometimes the residents gives him candy (wrong!) Today after the coffee break a staff member asked me if I give Ricardo sometimes candy, I told her, no. And the talk continued, it grabs me if they talk about Ricardo, it grabs me aswell if I see his parents parenting him the wrong way, or in a way I would have do it differently. But, who am I? I shouldn't be even involved in it. But like I said it grabs me to see Ricardo suffer.

But okay, they are working on it, and if they need my help, I will sure help. On with this day, it's been a uhm, not a busy day but a full day. I had a litte rest around noon, but further the day was fully full. First the coffee-break, it was nice outside, so we sat outside. Sun was shinning and it wasn't cold at all. After the coffee-break I needed to go to the 'new' doctor. I filled in the paper what he gave me yesterday and brought it to the first desk at the doctor's, but I forgot something "Sigh," the doctor needed aswell a copy of my passport like he told me yesterday. Oh well, I told the accistance that I will come back in the afternoon with that copy, I'm so forgetable sometimes. I needed to do more this day, but it was almost time for the second coffee-break and after that I want a nap, it's been a full week,witch work and such. 

When I got back some of the staff members were busy with the garden, cleaning and shoveling. I and Johannus helped out aswell, for a bit. The staff made aswell two sandbuckets for the chigarettes left overs. (or how do you call them) It's the summer and the residents are sitting more and more outside, smoking. They don't have anything to put the left ciggs left overs in, yeah, we have ashtrays but there inside. The sandbuckets will come in handy. It was time for my nap, I was exhausted. But I couldn't catch my sleep, I layed on my bed for an hour, then I got up cause someone knocked on my door. It was Daniel, (a resident) he needed toiletpaper, I gave him the half roll I had in my closet. We do borrow sometimes from each other, LOL! 


After my lunch Johannus offered me to give me a ride to my doctor, (copy, passport) cause he needed to get his kid from school. It's the youngest one, and also the naughtiest one, he's in kindergarten. The visit to the doctor was easy, I handed in the copy and that was it. Off we went to get the little one from kindergarten, Johannus parked the car infront of the play-yard, so we both could see the kids playing. Johannus went out of the car and I stayed in the car. He said hello to his little one, and I saw more Mothers and Fathers comming. The kids run to there parents to say hello, it was nice to see that happening, but aswell a bit hard. Just wishing I was standing there with a kid from me running towards me and then a hug and a 'hello.' Oh those Father feelings, LOL! 


When we got back at Humanitas Ricardo stood there waiting for us, when he saw us he run to me and gave me the biggest hug ever. It reminded me that Johannus told me more then once, "One day I'm gonna adopt you in our Family," he says it with a big smile. Ricardo really likes me, but I know aswell that I have to keep my distance, cause I'm not his Father. Johannus seems to don't mind, aslong he has a good time, it's all good he must be thinking. Sometimes it bothers me a bit to be that much around them, one of the residents told me once, "Your always around with this Family," I told him, "Yes, so?" Sometimes it's good to take these residents not that serious. He might be right, but aslong we have a good time with each other, it's all good. And were not at Humanitas forever, what's wrong with having a good time in thiss short time? Right? I wish we  all could be like that.


Sometimes the residents we eat together. Tonight I ated dinner with Johannus's Family and Daniel, we had hamburger sandwisches. I bought the desserts and the sandwisches, I eat alot with Johannus, and it gives me a bad feeling I can't do much back. But this time I could, so, this time I had a good feeling. Johannus his girlfriend had to go to another city in the evening, it was more then a 30 minute drive. Jo' asked me to come, and I went, cause I hadn't much to do. The drive was good but a bit chaotic. I had flashbacks from my time in Canada, running and flying everywhere trough the day, welcome to a big family! I'm glad I got used to it, it came in handy today, and I saw it came in handy many times.

When we dropped Jo's girlfriend of we drove back, and me and Jo took care of the kids. The youngest one was putted to bed right away and slept within 10 minutes, like always. He's so easy with that. Ricardo could stay up a bit longer but went to bed by himself in a hour. Me and Jo's plan was that Jo would drive back to pick up his girlfriend at 9:30, and I stay with the kids, I offered this towards Jo. Otherwise we had to wake the kids up again, and it was already late. When Jo took off Ricardo was still awake, and he asked me to join him in bed for a little chat. That was alright with me, sometimes I think to myself that I have to keep my distance also, and that goes well. I need to try to keep the balance between 'what's right, and what's wrong, that's not a problem either. But just that sometimes like I said yesterday, it grabs me sometimes what I see what's happening here with Ricardo. 

He was laying underneath his blanket and I layed next to him above the blankets, we played some word games, and we had fun, it calms him. The chat went a bit rougher or emotionally when we played another word game called, 'Name three things. Ricardo 'started off and asked me, "Name three things why you like me," I answered, "Cause I think your a sweet guy, even though your naughty, I like you cause your cute, and I like you cause you like me." I played it safe, cause he's still a kid, I can't tell him to much. It was my turn, I asked him, "Name three things why do you like me?" he answered, "Cause you play football with me, you go to the park with me, and you are very nice." He obliviously liked the game cause he went on and on, in the end I had to stop him cause he went to deep, he can't work that all out, he's still a kid.

Two things what Ricardo told me, made me almost shed a little tear. He didn't asked me but he came up with the question by himself, he told me three things what he didn't like about his Father. He didn't like it when Papa hits him so now when he's naughty, he didn't like the rough voice and the cursing of his Papa, and he didn't like when Papa is rough with his Mama.
This was the time I had to stop Ricardo, I hugged him, told he's sweet and I explained him  why his Mom and Dad love him . Sigh! "I have one more thing to tell," he whispered, "I don't like it that I have adhd." I told him, "It's alright." So now and then I have it hard with keeping  my distance. But when I can't handle it anymore, I keep my distance automaticly, it's not healty for me to get to much emotionally involved. Not only for me but aswell for Ricardo and his Mom and Dad. I do love this cute little fellow though, that won't change.


So far, I'm alright and I know what to do, and what I can do and can't do. If it's getting to chaotic then I will switch things over. I can go on and on about Jo's family, but I know when to stop when it's getting to much. I have other things to do aswell, important things for myself. So far, it's all good!