Every day should be like Sunday...

Every day should be like Sunday...

I'm happy that my arm is getting better bit by bit, it surprises me. A few days ago it was hurting so much I could not even sit or lay down, and now I'm actually doing things. What did I do? Well, I cleaned my little cozy room, and organized it as far as it's possible. And I must say, it look nice. The soap water was black, so it sure looked like it needed cleaning.

Further I cleaned a little bit the kitchen on the second floor. that's the smokers section kitchen. We have three floors in this building. (or how do you say that) There is a red section, that is the first floor, and then a green section, that is the second floor. And the second floor is where I am, yes, the green section. The third floor is the yellow section. Why do they call it the red yellow or green section? I have no idea, every door on every section has the same colors, section red has red doors, section green has green doors and section yellow has yellow doors. 

Every floor has a toilet and a bathroom plus a shower, and there are two kitchens, and one none-smoker section and one smoker section. There are two sections where you can wash your clothes, there are small washing machines tough, there not like in Canada or America. There is a dryer aswell (thank god!) It's quit a big building, and the shops and the train station is walking distance, that are good things. 

Like I said,weekends are boring here. I didn't went out, I was tired. Tomorrow I will make some plans, and see what further I can do to build up my future. There is still lots to do, but it's coming. At the office here they told to be patience, sometimes it's just like sending a mail, you have to wait for an answer. But I'm glad with what I have achieved so far. Every week I climb a bit higher towards my goal. Sometimes I look back and I smile, cause I know it's all going to be good.

How am I doing with the grieving part? I'm doing better, better then a month ago. Sometimes I read back the beginning of this blog, and then I think back of the last few days just before my flight. I was tired then and fed up with myself and fed up with the whole situation, I was done. I wished that the last few months being there would have been easier, I mean, ofcource I was busy with arranging things with my trip and finding a place to stay, plus having it hard with the break up wasn't easy. It was just awkward being there after the break up, but I have no regrets that I stayed, it's also what I needed.

I needed to get slowly used to the idea that it was over between Saf and me, not like, pack my bags and go. I wanted to say goodbye on a decent way. In short, I wasn't ready yet to go. Sure I still miss them, I will treasure the memories. In the beginning of our break up I was upset and felt sad, I just couldn't believe it. As the month December went further and I worked hard to get things done, I slowly got used to the situation. I have been thinking alot those days and had many walks on my own. I talked in myself while walking, thinking up loud.Crazy, I know.

But it helped me clearing my head of bad thoughts, I often thought, why did it came so far? Why? Why, did I fail when afterwards I knew so much better. Why? It did not help to answer these questions, it was over and out. I was part of a great Family and a blessed girlfriend. I thank God that I'm still friends with them. They mean the world to me! When, I walk the streets here in Almelo or Nijverdal or visit a shop to buy grocery I still sometimes think, "What am I doing here? "I can't believe I'm here, I don't belong her." It's sometimes feeling so unreal. 


Another blog..

Maybe you know that this blog is the second blog I'm writing, my first blog was called, "The adventures of a newborn Step dad." Recently I started to read that blog again, and I realized that I surely went trough alot these last three years. Alot of things where I never had to deal with back in Holland. I surely could have make a movie about it,or write a book. but I'm not a film producer or a good writer. I'm taking my hat of for Saf aswell, what she has all been trough, in Egypt and in Canada. 

I should take my hat of for myself aswell, cause, I never been a 'Daddy,' I never had to deal with a silly and stubborn ex, (sigh!) I never been in a relationship, I never had to deal with five kids, (Though I loved it) I never knew that there is much more then just only love each other in a relationship, I never changed a diaper, I never knew I was such a clean freak (LOL), I never knew that young kids mostly don't listen, I never knew I had so much patience, I never had to move two times in one year with a big family, I can continue on and on. 


I don't have any regrets what I have been trough! Although it was a totally different life what I used to have lived, I LOVED it! Yes, I complained, but, hey! Look where I came from. I have chosen for this Family, three years ago and I tried my best, I gave it more then 1000%. Never wanted to give up, always trying again and again, after every fail. I love this Family! 

What to do on a rainy day...

What to do on a rainy day...

1:35 pm

You can do alot of things inside Humanitas, You could make paper airplanes and fly them across the room for instance, but that would be weird, right? I'm enjoying myself on the laptop, and later on I will make a nice dinner. I'm just taking it easy, cause there is not much you can do here in the weekend. I should go look for a sauna in the neighborhood, I use to go every Sunday before I went to Canada. I'm missing it. This morning I stood up at a nice time, it was 7:00 and I had a good sleep. I noticed that my arm wasn't so painfull in the night, for the first time I could turn myself on my back without any pain.

That's a good sign, it can be aswell that the painkillers are working now. I will wait until Monday or Tuesday to decide what to do with my arm, going to a doctor or not. The arm is still hurting when I lift it to high, but further I'm fine. Around 9:30 I decided to go to my Dad, the train left in 15 minutes, but, I was good on time. I had a bit of luck cause I needed to buy a train ticket, but I had only coins and paper money. We have ticket machines on train stations where you can buy tickets for your trip, but, you can only pay with a bankcard. I knew that my bankcard wouldn't work cause I'm out of money, but I just tried it.

I needed five Euro, and when I putted the bankcard in the machine it worked! I payed by card and I had my train ticket! The weather was so bad tough, the rain poored out of the sky. When I sat down in the train I was already wet, and I knew when I arrive in Nijverdal, I will get even wetter cause the walk to my Dad's place will take me atleast 20 minutes. It was a long walk, and I got soaked. Dad was happy to see me, and asked how I was. We sat down for a while and we talked. well, talked? It was more repeating over and over again the same question, poor Dad is a bit deaf. After an hour I went again, heading of to the train station.

It rained even harder, but I went, cause it didn't look it would get any dryer. On my way I did some little grocery shopping and I past a few shops what reminded me of Saf aswell. (Saf and Ab were for a month in October 2009 in Holland) There was the hairdresser shop where Saf had her haircut plus perm, it was a bit awkward to be there cause Saf and Ab couldn't speak Dutch. But they were nice, and I helped them with the language. And there was another shop called 'Action,' it's like the Dollarstore but then a bit smaller. Saf and I bought presents there, for our return to Canada for the kids, plus some Dutch souvenirs.

The last thing I saw was the market, Saf, Ab and I went for a visit a few times there, eating fish, cheese, and syrup waffles. I had a good time when they were in Holland, it felt a bit weird aswell, cause, here they were in my village, spending time with me, doing the things what I daily did. Anyway, I was soken wet when I arrived at the train station. When I got home I took of the wet clothes and putted some warm clothing on. Made some nice killer sandwiches and relaxed, it was time to chill and rest! I took a nap aswell, cause I almost fell asleep behind the computer.

After my nap it was time for my dinner, I think I'm the only one in this whole building who makes a complete dinner, LOL! I grab a basket and put all the stuff in there what I need. I need, pans, plates, kitchen tools, and the food I want to prepair. Today I made something easy, curious? Come have a look....

 A salad, it's easy, cause I bought it 'ready' in a shop. Open the bag and put it in a bowl. You can add whatever you like, I kept it with some mayonnaise.

 We call these 'slavinken.'  it's ground beef rolled in bacon, they weren't so easy to bake cause they were huge.

 The potatoes were boiling. It takes 30 min. 10 minutes to let the water boil, and 20 min. to let the potatoes boil.

Tadaaaa! Simple and plain, but what a nice picture!

It was a nice and delicious dinner, for the rest of the evening I will do some relaxation. Just enjoying myself in my room, with a little snack and a drink. You can't drink alcohol here, I know some guys do it. But I don't wanna get caught, although I would like a can of beer sometimes. I'm not that a beer drinker but I drank more often while I was in Canada. The glasses and cans were bigger  there, so I can't blame them. LOL!  Enjoy your night and I will see you tomorrow.

Thank God it's Friday...

Thank God it's Friday...

For people with a job it's a well known saying, "Thank God it's Friday." Here at Humanitas it means that you really have to find something to do the coming weekend, cause the building will be most of the time empty. The people here visit there family or go out, or just sit in their room. Maybe it will be good for me to go out aswell, getting rid of the stress from the week and refresh myself.

I think there's always alot to do in the weekend,  in the city or elsewhere. There is the market on Saturday, or on Sunday the church. It's funny that I mention the church, cause it's been such a long time I went there. I went once with Saf while being in Canada, she met a few people in the store where she worked and these people were Dutch aswell. They told Saf there was a meeting every Sunday in a certain church, a meeting of  Dutch people in Mississauga. Saf asked me if I want to come, she told me, "Maybe, it's nice you meet some Dutch people here in Mississauga." 

It sure was a nice thought, and we had a nice time, but coming back for a next time?  Nah, we tought it was just a meeting of Dutch people here in Mississauga, but there was church and praying aswell. It was just to much church for us, to much praying, singing, and worshipping Jesus. But for once it was nice, it was awkward aswell trying to speak Dutch again, I felt a bit embarrassed. Here in Almelo there is a chatolic church, I might go there Sunday morning. I would like to spend a bit less time on the computer, and visiting a church might do me good. Or I visit my Dad tomorrow, it will be a long ride with my bike, but I can  take my time, I will see.

Today I tried my best to find a doctor again for my arm, the pain is at his worst in the night, I keep waking up to early. This morning I got up at 6:00 and took a shower, I just felt for a nice wash up. I must say, (I won't say it to loud) in the daytime my arm felt a tiny bit better then in the night. I think just because in the daytime I move more then in the night. That does ring a bell, right? I don't know, time will tell with my silly arm. Back to find a doctor, I could not find anyone who wanted to see me. Most of the doctors had a to busy schedule and enough patients. And I didn't hear back from the Doctor's assistant where I went to yesterday.

It's already late to search further anyway, Monday I will start again with searching. I have to be in my ol' town upcoming Monday to see my dentist, to refill the fake filling in my tooth. If I'm there I can aswell make an appointment with my old doctor, and he can take a look at my arm. Maybe it's not even needed, maybe my arm feels a bit better then. I just will see. 
There's not much more to write really, only, that it's really quiet here while I'm writing this post. It's weekend for the staff, the building is almost empty. There are ofcource some staff members here for the people who are looking for a place to stay for the night, the homeless people. 


But further there's not much to do here, in the evening I'm mostly in my own room like almost everyone does here. I like it, just being on my own for a while, I'm sure that will change in the near future. Back in Canada at Saf's place I didn't had much time for myself, but I didn't mind that either. I had enough time for myself before I met Saf, I needed people around me, and I needed something to do, something new. I loved spending time with the two little ones, even though they were sometimes very naughty. I had my good times and my bad times with them, if I had to answer the question, "Where did I spend most of the time with?" I can say with Ab and Tasn. 

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!  ~Lydia M. Child, Philothea: A Romance, 1836.

With a Little Help From my Friends- The Beatles

Song for my friends! You know who you are...

What would you think if I sang out of tune,

Would you stand up and walk out on me.

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,

Mmm,I get high with a little help from my friends,

Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Do you need anybody?

I need somebody to love.

Could it be anybody?

I want somebody to love.

What do I do when my love is away.

(Does it worry you to be alone)

How do I feel by the end of the day

(Are you sad because you're on your own)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends,

Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends,

Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?

I need somebody to love.

Could it be anybody?

I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight?

Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.

What do you see when you turn out the light?

I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,

Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,

Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?

I just need someone to love.

Could it be anybody?

I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,

Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Ooh, I get high with a little help from my friends

Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,

with a little help from my friends

"The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body."

"The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body."

My left arm is still hurting, but I slept a tiny bit better. If I only could turn a bit more, cause I can only sleep on my right side. I have been doing some research online about my arm, I googled and filled in some of the sympthons I have, and all Google could find was, stress, RSI, or bursitis. Stress and bursitis can be related, it said. The muscle in my left arm just beneath the shoulder is hurting like hell, and in the night it feels stiff if/when I hold it to long in one position.

"I think a visit to the doctor wont do harm to get some answers," I thought. I would like to know what I have and what I can do with it. It's just the way I am, cause I like to be sure of things when it comes to health. So, I visited a doctor this morning. Some guys here told me there's a doctor close here. And there I went, I just walked in and asked for information and if they could help me today. The doctor's assistant wrote down some information, and asked me to come back tomorrow morning, she had to talk this trough with the doctor. Fingers crossed! Hopefully I will get some answers soon!

Some good news today, The first part of my monthly income is round. (WOOT!) Gak is going to pay me every month and they pay Humanitas aswell for my staying here, (WOOT!) I had a phonecall from Gak this afternoon. They confirmed, and I'm happy, but, but, but, I will be dancing the hokey pokey and do other crazy cartwheels when I actually see the money on my account. Never be to excited my Mom used to say. Today I will be hearing if I can stay here at Humanitas aswell, while I'm writing this I still don't know. (Eeeek)

Thinking back...

I'm really happy with this blog, although it's a lot of work writing things down, though I LOVE it! It helps me aswell, and the readers/followers get a idea where I'm going trough. They get to know me who I really am, without misunderstandings. The readers get to know about the break up between Saf and me, how difficult it was for both of us, and not only for me. This blog is about who I am and how deep I sometimes think, this blog is VERY open. And I'm surely not done with writing, oh no! I made a little change in this blog, actually two changes.

I changed the colors, cause I think I'm progressing. First it was all black and grey, dark clouds, rainy. That's how I felt in the beginning, feeling stressed, disappointed, sad. I'm still feeling stressed and sad, but less. I'm moving on slowly, with lots of good memories from Saf and her kids! I truly love them, no hatred and no regrets. They will always be a part of my life! The second change is that I made this blog open for public again, just to see how it goes. If it wont be a success I will make it private again.

At 5:00 pm there was the weekly 'free' dinner again, I went with two other guys and the food was again nice. It was the same food as yesterday but okay, I could have taken soup instead but, I liked what I had yesterday. It wasn't so busy as yesterday, yesterday we had more then twenty people, now we had only six or seven. I decided to go every week now, every Wednesday and Thursday.

Save the best for last they say.... Just before I went to the church for dinner the staff of Humanitas told me I could stay!  I can stay!!!  STAY!!! Staying for the 24-hour project! I'm so happy, now we can finally start somewhere.

"Health is a relationship between you and your body."

 "Health is a relationship between you and your body." 

I didn't sleep so well today, just like last night my left arm was hurting. But this night the pain was much worse. It felt like I twisted a muscle, and I couldn't lay on it. The pain went worse and worse, I got up at 6:00 am. "I definitely go see a doctor today," I thought. I waited till 9:00, the downstairs office will be  open then and then I will call a doctor or ask the staff what they can do. 

Between 6:00 and 8:00 I was looking for doctors here in this city online and I found out there were plenty of them. I wrote down there phone numbers and addresses, I couldn't bare the pain in my arm any longer and I was worried what it could be. I red somewhere on the internet that it could be something with a bad heart. Left arm hurting, just beneath the shoulder, and a little tin-tiling in my fingers. It's  enough for me to worry about it. I felt a bit dizzy after an hour and I decided to lay down and rest a bit. Just before 9:00 I went  downstairs to the office and told my story.

The staff couldn't really help me, and they asked me who my last doctor was."Try to call that doctor, and if you can't get an appointment, we will look further," said a woman. It was the same woman who helped me yesterday with the post. I called my old doctor and I actually made an appointment, but the doctor adviced me to bring money, (24 Euro for the appointment) I told him that I don't have money, but that I would like to come, cause I was in pain. Next thing I told him was that I will try to manage  the 24 Euro and when I manage it, then I will call back for the appointment. Sigh! I talked to the staff again to solve the '24 Euro' problem, but still they couldn't help me that fast. I could call my counselor and ask for advice,  the lady told me, and so I did.
 

But, same thing, he couldn't help me either, I understood that the '24 Euro' problem  couldn't be solved that fast. I decide to call back the doctor, and told him my problem. This time with with success, well, kinda.The doctor asked me what the problem was and I had to describe the pain in my arm, I realized that the appointment was taken place trough the phone. I didn't mind, cause I needed answers what the pain could be.He told me that it's nothing to worry about, I needed to do some exercises, he told me, (trying to put my head on my chest, up and down) and I needed painkillers, (Paracetamol and  Ibuprofen, three times a day) The doctor told me, that the pain in my arm sounded like stress from the last months. And I wasn't surprised. 

I could always call him back if I worry about the pain, he said. The phonecall did me good, and the worries were a bit less. Still the pain though but atleast I know what it is. I hope the painkillers do there work. It was a beautiful day today, the sun was high in the sky and absolute no clouds. I went into town and bought my medication what I needed, plus a few grocery. From the 40 Euro from last week I had 1 Euro left, and I still have enough to eat. Tomorrow I will get another 40 Euro. I get by easily with that amount of money, and perhaps tonight a free dinner at the Church. I'm not sure I'm going though, cause of the pain in my arm. 

The doctor told me that the pain could less four weeks or something like that, I hope not, I'm not sure what I may do or not do with that arm. Do I need to rest or do I have to move it more? My arm says "No!" that's for sure! Perhaps some research on the internet will help. Don't worry I wont search to deep, cause some stories are always overreacted.

The 'free' dinner...

I went, and it was nice and good, with a hurting arm though. I sure wasn't feeling well, short breathed, feeling that I needed to throw up. But I went, I thought, maybe it will keep my mind of thinking of that arm. It was a nice walk, me and 2 other guys went.When we arrived there was a comfy atmosphere, everyone saw I was new, and they shooked my hand. It was one's birthday there, so, we first had cake before dinner, (hmm,talking about filling myself) Dinner was nice,we had potatoes, with green beans and some creamy sauce over it. Little pieces of bacon was spread over the potatoes. 

I could get a second plate but I refused, I was full! Desert was a creamy chocolate pudding. The people were nice there, but you could see that most of the eaters were poor, or homeless. It's good and nice for them that they have such thing as free dinner. Tomorrow I might go again. Some guys at Humanitas aren't going cause they feel a bit embarrassed, well, that's there choice. I don't mind, it's not only free dinner, it's aswell being around people and have a nice time. A little out. I hope I feel better tomorrow, if I go again.

Proud...

Proud...

Early up this morning, like always. I never sleep long, it's just the way I am. I had it also in Canada, I was always up first, sometimes even before the kids were up. I had a good sleep last night, but I think I pulled a muscle, because my left arm was hurting, I could not lay on it. I took a painkiller this morning and I will see how long the pain lasts.

This morning there was the talk with the staff and me, my counselor was there aswell, to hear what's going to happen  next with me. The talk was about if I could stay or not. But they weren't so clear about that while they were talking. It was more a talk about Humanitas, what they all do and what is all possible. And they asked me alot of questions, like what has happened in Canada, and what happened afterwards,they wanted to know about  my personality, do I have friends, did I work before I went to Canada, do I use medication, etc, etc, just to get a image of me. 

Next thing they asked me what I would like to achieve here, and what my future plans are. And if I need help with debts if I had them, or if I need help with my emotional stability. After the long talk I thought to myself, "Does this all mean I can stay now?" Though I didn't ask, "Don't worry," they said. So, yeah, I will see what's gonna happen next, eitherway I have a good feeling about this all.

While I talked with the Humanitas staff, I was a bit upset that they didn't understand a few things. I don't like when people get a wrong image of me. It was about the internet, perhaps they saw me as a computer addict. I told them that it's important for me to keep contact with my friends in Canada. (Saf and the kids, or others) The staff and the counselor told me that it's  important that I build up a new network of friends outside and not only on the computer, "The real life," they said. I agreed with that I have to get some new friends here, just to be outside, explore the city, see people, and go out, move on with my life, but at the moment I'm not ready for that.That will come in time.

 

"But," I said, "I need aswell my Canadian friends, there important to me." I lived a life in Canada where I could only dream of. Those years with them is a good memory, I will never forget them , no one is taking that away from me. And it's not that I have to talk daily with them, cause I need to continue my life aswell, I need a job, I need a house. If someone is offering me a job or a house, I will take it, I won't say,"Hey, sorry I don't have time, cause I need to be on the computer, Saf or one of her kids will be online soon."

My counselor and the Humanitas staff were probably thinking that my computer and Saf and the kids will stop me in the things what I really have to do, what is more important. That's why they talked about building up a network of friends without the computer. Hey, I love my friends but I'm not a computer addict. They are important aswell. Keeping contact is good for us, and there will be a day that I have a job and a new house, and I will still talk with them. Not everyday but just so now and then, whenever we have time.  Just because Saf and I have good memories over the years we spent together, and to keep those memories we keep contact.

Later on in the afternoon, a lady at the office helped me out with some post I received yesterday. There were three letters, one from Gak, one from the government,and one from the health insurance. In the letter from Gak they asked me for copies from my bankcard, my passport and the flying tickets, we both copied that and sent it in a mail. I have to call the government today or send a mail to change something about my 'new' income,  and the health insurance company send me a form that had to be filled in. We filled it in and sent that in a mail aswell. All settled!

Everything goes fine, but it takes time. I don't have to rush things and I don't want to, do what I have to do and in the meanwhile enjoy! Humanitas told me that there is free dinner two times a week in a little church near here, they told me the name of the church but I forgot the name. A little group of people from here goes there and it's actually fun, and the food is good. I will check it out, and ask today where it is. And aswell there is a cheap breakfast after 10 at the 'Hema,' that's a shop like Walmart but so much smaller. might aswell check that out too.Free is always good!

I will tell you tomorrow how it went.

p.s. you probably wondering what the text says on the picture, It Dutch, and it says, "After rain comes sunshine." Or as Saf used to sometimes said "Sjon-shine."

John Lennon - stand by me

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we see
No I won't be afraidNo I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountain should crumble to the seaI won't cry, I won't cry
No I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me Darling, darling stand by me
Stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Decisions...

Decisions...


Thank God it was Monday, the staff is back. And that means more people around me, and two times coffee in the morning. Today I had a appointment with Gak, now here's the thing, there are two office's of Gak's. There is one in the  city where I am now(Almelo) and there's one in Hengelo. Hengelo is a city 10 km's from Almelo.  When I called with Gak, I head the head office on the phone in Hengelo. When I went to my appointment this morning, I went to the Gak here, in my city, someone from Humanitas came with me.

She told me that it's alright to go here, cause they both can corporate with each other. But, they couldn't, when we got there, the lady there told us  that it's better to go to Gak in Hengelo. We decided to go back and wait till tomorrow, "We can do this over the phone or perhaps fax the things they need," said the woman who was with me. She told me aswell that we better can wait until tomorrow, cause tomorrow they will make a decision if you can stay here or not. I got my fingers crossed.

Tomorrow morning there will be a meeting with the staff of Humanitas, my counselor and me. They want to see what the next step will be, if I can stay I will get a 24-hours project. And in that project they help me building up my life again, most of it I will have to do myself though, like finding a job and a place to live, a own home. Humanitas helps you but just little things. I must say that so far they helped me out good, they made the needed appointments for me, where I didn't even think off. I sure couldn't do it all by myself.

After my lunch I had the plan to visit some job agencies, remember I told you about those agencies who are looking for proper jobs for you? They really can come in handy, but the woman who came with me this morning from Humanitas told me that I should wait a few days, cause tomorrow I will have that important decision. After the decision she  and I are going to settle everything out, my income, my health insurance, you name it. If! The decision is positive ofcource. Now this afternoon I could just relax and have a rest or go out, said the woman. 

Okay, alright,that's nice, right? I went out to buy a few groceries, and after that I had the craziest idea to visit my Aunt who I didn't see in more then fifteen years. You should have seen her face when she opened the door! "Oh God, Sjon?" she shouted out loud, "I thought you lived in Canada?" I told her, "that's a very long story." She's my favorite Aunt, and she's so nice. I stayed there for a few hours and told her what happened, I saw aswell a few of my Nieces while being there. It was nice to see them back, it sure did me good. One of my my Niece's isn't so well, she also had a break up with someone years ago.

She ended up in a huge depression, she isn't able to do that much anymore. My niece is on medication and visits a lot of doctors and hospitals. It's sad to see her like this, as a kid I played many times with her. It made me think of my break up with Saf aswell, thinking of a depression scares me. But I'm okay so far, and that's surprises me. The 'missing them' part is the hardest, that will stay for a while. Why did they have to be so awesome? And the kids so cute?  Why was it that I like to be their Daddy so much?

It think it's the fact that they came on the right time, I was in need and I was ready for them. No matter what they all say, I will never have regrets that I made the choice to take care of this Family and to love them. I still love them, and that feeling they can't take away from me, never!!

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.  -- Desmond Tutu~

The internet...

The internet...

Sunday's are pretty boring at Humanitas, there is no staff only the people who live here. If there is something important, then you can go to a little building next to our main building, and you can ask for help if it's really needed. Last night I went there, cause the modem of the main computer at Humanitas needed to be reset. (Talking about a emergency!) It happens quit alot when the internet is down, many of us here uses a laptop,and downloading is a crime here. If you download to much, they staff will pull the plug out.

Like I said, last night the server went down for a clean up. This morning it worked again, but my laptop was still slow, so slow that I decided to do a system recovery. I thought, there is nothing to loose, and it sure can't get worse then this. A system recovery cleans your entire computer, and you will get it back the way as you bought it from the store. In my case, no MSN, no Yahoo, No Firefox, no anti-virus, no CCleaner, and some pictures will be gone. Most of my important pictures I had sent to Yahoo mail or Hotmail. 

The recovery took a bit more then 30 minutes, and the laptop is so much faster now. I had to search a bit for the things I had to download again, but further then that it went pretty fast. And if I had something to ask, there's always google or my friends on Facebook. So far I'm pretty much done and I'm happy with my new born laptop. So far so good.

Tomorrow there will be the appointment with Gak about my money, I will go there with one of the people Humanitas. Am I nervous? Naah, just curious what they will say. I'm more nervous about my bill from that summer house where I stayed. The lady from that house told me to pay within 14 days. I don't have the money for it now, and my Dad can't pay it either. And then there is the dentist, who's waiting for me for the root canal treatment. I guess I will take things as they come, and live day by day. First things first, and that's Gak tomorrow.

How am I doing so far?

I feel like I'm moving slowly forward, I'm not there yet, but it's going. Sure, I still miss them, missing Safa, missing the kids. That's the hardest part of it all, I would love to hold Tasn in my arms or just for once put her to sleep. Reading here a story or watch a movie till she falls asleep, or my trick to get her to sleep, making fun while she's in bed until she get tired and falls asleep. Just like the old days, I'm planning to come back for a few weeks, perhaps late summer. Just a  bit concerned if Canada is letting me in the country, cause they can send you back to Holland, no mercy.

I was not legal in Canada the last one and a half year, and it's showing on my passport by the stamps. If I will go to Canada again, I really need to know for sure that I can get into the country! A investigation is surely needed. Aswell, I'm thinking of changing my blog into some new colours but I'm not sure yet. Maybe I will, Maybe I wont, I will see. 

Nostalgia!

Nostalgia!

It was a nice day, although the storm was rough. Today I was finally getting my bicycle back,
My Aunt and my Uncle were picking me up at 10:15 am at the railway station in Almelo, but without the bike cause the bike was at my uncle's place like I said yesterday. Since I noticed that there are no coffee breaks during the weekend, I went at 9:45 to the place where I had to be, the railway station. My Aunt and Uncle were on time, and I was too, ofcource. While driving to there place we talked alot, one thing I don't like is all the smoking that my Aunt and Uncle do, specially in the car.

They sure smoke alot, but anyway, on with the ride. After arriving at their house we drunk a coffee, and my Aunt putted post from Gak in my hand. I opened the mail and it said that the appointment for upcoming Monday is confirmed. I have to bring with me a few things, my passport, my account number from the bank, and all the flying tickets from when I went to Canada. Right! I went three times to Canada, three times back and forth. Sure, I still have the last ticket, but the others ones, I don't know,  I have to look for them. Besides the stamps are in my passport, Gak can have a look in that.

Gak and me are progressing, and that's a good thing. But were not there yet! First let's see what happens Monday, I'm a little concerned cause I might get money aswell from the government. My thoughts are a bit in a knot about this money thing, but, Monday I will know more, first weekend! After my coffee at my Aunts and Uncle I took of to my Dad, to see how he was. I haven't seen him in a while and he was happy to see me, but he was confused of what was going on."What bicycle you were picking up then, the one from Canada?" (No, Dad) "And I thought you were living in that summerhouse, and not in Almelo? What are you doing there then?" (Sigh, Dad)

It's difficult to explain him such things, cause he just don't understand, and besides that, you have to repeat things more then 10 times. I can't blame him, he's old! Dad had post for me aswell, it was the bill from the summerhouse. I knew it would be alot, 40 Euro, count that 12 times , it sure was alot. I can't pay that bill now,"I guess I will just take it with me," I
thought. And so I did. It was time to go, cause it was time for Dad's lunch, and for me time to take of to Almelo. The traffic was a chaos in Nijverdal, cause there was market and everyone needs to buy grocery on Saturday. The storm was nice to me, I had the wind in my back. I went almost like a rocket so fast, in a no time I arrived in the little village 'Wierden.' 

 Horses besides my Dad's place, he sure has a nice view.

 The city where I live now, Almelo.

 This windmill is almost in our backyard, only I have to go outside to see it.

Sigh! The school I used to go to when In was 10 or 12 in Almelo.

Wierden  is a little village  where my Mom grew up. As a Family we lived here aswell for a long time, almost twelve years. You pass 'Wierden' if you go from Nijverdal to Almelo. I saw alot of things what reminded me of my youth.  The old school, parks, and the church we went to every Sunday. It all looked so small, was it the fact I grew so tall or was it the fact that it has been such a long time? It was nice seeing all these things back, yep! good old times! The bike ride was good for me, I took some photo's and I was in a no time in Almelo, 15 km in less then a hour, not bad, right? I wasn't even tired when I got back, a bit of a awkward feeling when I arrive at Humanitas with a bicycle, Usually I walk. Later tonight the server from the internet went out, I asked a few guys, and they told me that the server will be back on at 6:00 am in the morning. Great! but there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm actually writing this piece on Word pad, LOL! Killing time, and I guess early to
bed tonight. I still remember that last year at this time we went to the Barrie winter fest, a winter happening with lots of ice and snow. Saf and I plus the three youngest were with us (Ab, Tasn and Mar) Saf's friend from her early high school invited us. That was our first time in Barrie, and I liked it. It had a real 'Canadian' atmosphere, I can't describe it other ways. Pat, Saf's friend brought her 2 daughters with her, so the kids could play around. We all had a great time, and I never seen so many snow and ice. There was a huge lake that was totally frozen, and people walk over it or skate. Cle and her friend were mentioning it to go today, I wonder if the whole family will go. If they go, I'm sure they will have a great time.

And yeah, I wish I was there... Sigh!  ...Next year for sure!? Will see.

Coldplay-The Scientist (Acoustic)

Putting a little bit more color in my blog, Cause I'm progressing as you noticed. First it was all black and white, dark clouds, rain, misty, foggy. Watch me bloom further in this blog....

Time for stormy weather...

Time for stormy weather...

The plans changed, tomorrow I will see my Dad anyway, my Aunt and Uncle are picking me up, and bringing me to their house. My bicycle is standing in their shed, your maybe thinking, "Why couldn't my Aunt and Uncle bring the bike?" Well, they told me that the bicycle didn't fit in the car, although they have a van. Anyway, so my idea was to pick up my bike and ride to my Dad to see how he is, maybe I take some lunch their aswell. And then the long trip back, all the way to Almelo. I think it's about a 45 minutes ride, but I will take my time. 

Today went fine at Humanitas, I like the coffee breaks. The people like me and sometimes we have a few jokes. It makes the thinking and missing of my friends in Canada a bit less, but forgetting  them is out of the question. I'm almost sure that the missing will be going less, and yeah, thinking of them is always good, showing you still care is normal for me. Today I should have called Gak, and that was my plan, but a woman of Humanitas has called me in the office today and she told me, that she will come with me to Gak next Monday at 11:00. I'm looking forward to it.

Further there was the news that I perhaps can get money from the government in Almelo (Social Services) instead of the government from Nijverdal. Cause I'm a citizen from Almelo now, and someone needs to pay Humanitas for my staying there, and Almelo or Nijverdal has the right to do that. And further, further not so much, actually nothing. I did some cleaning after the first coffee break, a toilet, a tiny hallway and a kitchen. To keep the people busy here they need to do duties/chores in there spare time, it's good and it keeps them busy.

After every coffee break there are cleaning chores. But lately the people are busy with other things. Things like, getting a job, or looking for a house or to get some income, there is alot to be arranged and that always comes first. And me? I had some spare time and there was not much to do for me, so I cleaned a few things. I like it that I have a place to be on my own, a littlt room where I can escape or hide when I am sad or have it hard. Escape is a big word, but I couldn't find another word for it.

Today my laptop went almost bananas, when it started up I couldn't log in. The arrow was there but behind a black screen, I did a restart more then 8 or 9 times, then I gave up. I started to think what to do, calling someone in the building to fix it? Go find a fixer in town?  Buy a new one? I need this laptop, I can't do without. Contact with my friends is important and I achieved alot with this laptop. Internet brought me to Canada for example, internet is huge, scary and silly that I almost can't do without internet.

The computer needed to be fixed and I shoved my laptop in my bag and went into town, trough a huge storm. It was more wind then rain gladly, but the wind was rough. I found three stores and two of them did not fix computers although the entrance said it. The last one was a shop where I actually bought the laptop, same kinda store but different city. I looked around first,to look at the prices for a new one. A guy came and asked me, "How can I help you," I explained what was wrong with my laptop, and he took a look at it.

He started the laptop, and it did the same thing, the arrow came but behind a black screen. The guy restarted the laptop a few times and suddenly it worked! "You really need to clean your computer, or do a system recover." A system recover will clean up your whole computer he told me, it will be as new as you bought it from the shop, everything what you downloaded will be gone. sounds scary, right? I will be thinking twice to do that. When I got home I cleaned the computer, but I didn't do a system recovery. (yet)

The programs I didn't use or almost never use I got rid off them, and it was alot, after that it was time to clean the hard disk, defragment they call it I think. After cleaning it all the computer was a bit faster, and I left it that way, afraid to loose more important stuff. I talked to Saf today on MSN, I need to lighten up more when she comes online, and not be so nerves or afraid. There is nothing wrong between me and her, I have to relax and just talk! It was a short but good talk, I like to hear what she's up to and how she and here kids are.

Getting along...

Getting along...

After a quit good sleep I woke up in the morning wondering what time it was. I sure need a clock, LOL! I had to open the laptop to check the time. At 9:15 am it's coffee time in the big living room, it's normal to show up then and I wanted to be there. Still I need time to adjust a little, but the people here are nice and friendly. This place here gives me a little boost forward. I didn't expect that, I'm surprised. And how I get along here does surprise me aswell, I thought I wasn't that a talker, but I sure talk. Maybe it's the fact that I was on my own for the last few weeks, feeling stressed and nerves, and the fact I wanted to be here and now I'm actually here. I'm moving forward slowly, and it feels good.

So, yeah we have two times a day a coffee moment, one at 8:30 am one at 11:30 am.  I didn't do much today, I helped out with a bed frame what had to go downstairs, piece of cake, I had three big movements in Canada, so what's one little bed frame? I went to the government here in the city,to sign myself in as a citizen of Almelo, "It's better and easier for you," said a office member Humanitas who came with me. I make a good chance to stay here longer, said the office member. Cause I'm now in a crisis moment, and usually the next following thing to that is the 24-hour placement, so,that's good to hear. And further I don't have much to tell, only tomorrow I will get my bike back. 

My Aunt and uncle are picking me up and bring me to their house, they picked up the bike from the summer house place where I have been, and putted my bike in their garage. I will have to ride the bike to Almelo. Besides using the bike in Almelo, I will ride to my dad so now and then aswell, it will be a far trip but that's alright. I'm a little bit concerned about the future, cause when I think of all the stuff I need to do, to build everything up again, it sure is alot. But step by step. Tonight after dinner, I had a missing moment again, such missing moments are hard. I'm thinking back of how it was, playing around with the kids, was my favorite thing to do, I sure miss Tasn, sigh! 

We spend so much time together, putting her to bed, riding our bikes, or just go to the park. Sigh! I was a Dad, and that felt good! I feel like I failed in the  relationship between me and Saf, I have the feeling  that I wanna proof myself. That I CAN be a good husband, without the little argues and complains. I'm sure I can do it now, I had to learn it, getting used to it. Cause it was new. My life has been turned upside down in these 3 years and it was needed. I was stuck in my life and needed a kick in the butt! And that's what happened, but in a good way. Every time the kids called me "Daddy", I smiled. Everytime Saf yelled from downstairs,"honey, dinner is ready"! I thought, Yes! This is what I want!

It just feels good, you know, that family feeling. It's gone now and I'm missing it terribly. I know now for sure, and don't say no! That the  family I had back in Canada, such Family I will never find again, cause they are  special, there survivors. I love them all!  Ab, Tasn, Mar, Noor, Cle, Dako, Saf, I love you guys!! And always will!!

You have learned something, That always feels at first as if you had lost something

I learned and I (have) lost...

I know what I have lost... A month ago. But who was to blame? No one was, and it's no use to bring it all up again. Or is it? Let's just try....

Thinking...

I think we were both overwhelmed with excitement and were expecting things from one another. Here was I, looking for companion, love, and a nice Family. But almost gave up searching, cause I have been put down many times, and the searching was tough. I realized that it was just no use to search any longer after so many years. My Mom past away in the year 2000, that was a shock for me. I took care of my sad and difficult Dad afterwards for almost 3 years. He had several suicide attempts, and I just couldn't handle him anymore. I lived on my own after all that, all alone looking for friendship and love.

And there was Saf, who has been trough so much pain, a cheating husband, many lies from him, kids who suffered cause the Father wasn't there, a horrible escape from Egypt to Canada with her kids, many tears, and stress, to much to write it all down. She fought for her kids, more then you'll ever know. Her kids were always first, and then came she. But deep inside she needed love and friendship aswell.

So, there you have it, two persons both looking for love and friendship, or just a good time, away with the old, the past is the past. The excitement was there, and maybe we got carried away a bit to much. Blind in our decisions, not knowing what could happen in the future. Was it needed to know what could happen? No! it wasn't needed to know what could happen, we had a good time, and we continued, this felt for sure good after all the pain in the past. It's all we needed. So, why not?  two persons in love and both very happy, we stepped in the roller coaster of love. And it felt good!

Why do I sum this all up? What is it worth it? Is it needed? It's not needed, but sometimes I'm thinking back to the days when I was in Canada, not so weird cause it's still fresh. I'm aswell  trying to figure out why we didn't match in the end, and certainly the facts why I couldn't handle sometimes this  super large family. It was sometimes difficult to handle things, it was a huge step ofcource coming from a place where I lived all alone into a house where it was full.

But I'm sure NOT blaming myself for making that decision. And for sure NO regrets what so ever.  I had great time and so did Saf and her kids. And we both did our stinking best to be together, and to let it work. I don't see the break up between us as a ending of our friendship. Like I said, they mean to much for me, these 3 years I lived a life where I could only dream of. I can surely say that I see them as Family!  Bless them!!

"Nerves."

 "Nerves."

I was up at 5: 30 am, afraid to sleep further, cause it will be 8:45 am in a no time. At 8:45 my counselor will pick me up and drive with me to Humanitas. I don't like to rush things, so I got up (early) and did what I had to do. A little bit of packing, (the most packing I did last night) I made breakfast and some lunch for later, and now I'm on the laptop. I got the nerves when the time went a bit faster in the morning, I just don't know what to expect, what kinda people are their? are they bad? are they nice? Can you trust them? Thinking of it makes me nerves, and makes me wanna cancel it all. But I have to go, cause I need to move on, there is no other way!I can't stay here. Funny though, that it's different now then 4 or 5 years ago, If they would offer me then a job or something else what is important, I would have thought twice, maybe it's the fact that I didn't really had to, there  was no forcement, I was good.  And now there is this huge forcement, I have to! Even though I'm dead nervous, I want to go now, just to get it over with. It's 8:55 now, he's late. Hurry up!

Finally 10 minutes after 9:00 and he arrived. He told me that he would have a  small car yesterday, but when I saw the car, it was bigger then I thought it was. I guided  him in and we took the heavy suitcases in his car, I told him about my bike but he didn't want to take more luggage in the small car. I gave the bike to the owner of the summer house to let her keep an eye on it, "I will pick it up later this week," I told her. I couldn't pay the owner for the last three weeks, and I felt still bad, that's why I left the rest of my food and groceries in a big shopping bag and gave it to her. The shopping bag was huge and it was full, I thought I wont need it at Humanitas, I don't even know if there's a kitchen. It was time to go, and I was still  dead nervous, where I should actually be happy and excited. The normal nerves I guess. 

When we arrived in Almelo, (The city where Humanitas is settled), I remembered the times  when I was here before. When I was still a kid, my Mom and Dad and I used to walk over the market here. It sure has changed in Almelo, I saw alot of huge buildings what I never saw before. We were nearly there and I didn't expect Humanitas was settled here and sure not in this street in the middle of the centre. It was a huge building, in a busy street. The owner shook my hand when we walked in and we grabbed a coffee and sat down for an introduction talk. It felt good, and the nerves went less. After our talk my counselor went further to another appointment and I took my suitcases to my new room. The building inside felt like a huge maze, I got lost with my heavy suitcase more then 6 times. Stairs up and down, and lost again. I needed help from others to find my room again, the heavy suitcases felt heavier and heavier.

My room number is number 15. The room is small, small but okay. There is one desk, one closet a small fridge and one bed, that's it. The owner told me that this is a kind of a crisis emergency, it's still a question if I can stay here for 8 months, so that's why this small room. But I was perfectly fine with it. On the desk I saw a bin with forks, knifes, spoons, and other kitchen tools, and further pans, pots and dishes. I wil  have to make my own food, I get 40 Euro once a week every Thursday and there you buy grocery for, I think it's not that bad. I went right away after I putted my suitcases in a save place to the local supermarket. When I was done with my grocerie shopping I still had lots of left over money from the 40 Euro. And 'damn,' I thought about the shopping bag I gave to the owner of the summer house, I thought I wont need it here, but they HAVE  a kitchen here!
 

 The pots and pans I was getting, to make my own meal.

 The little tiny fridge on my room, not much but good enough for me.

 This is what they called the 'crisis room', a room what you get when there's an emergency when you suddenly need a place to stay.

One single bed, it's not big but big enough for me. I slept pretty good the first night.

I bought everything I needed, well almost, in the end I forgot so many things. On the last moment I still had to buy a few groceries. I need to adjust here and that takes time. But I like it here. It was calm and quiet where I first was, that was good for me, cause I needed the rest. Now it's time for the next level in my process, I'm moving on. People at Humanitas are nice and friendly. Even the residents here are friendly, even though some don't look like it. It's a city with lots of people, when I want to calm down or need a rest, I will go to my room and lock my door, just like everyone else does. The good thing about Almelo is that they have a lot of agencies where they can find jobs for me. You walk in with your resume and you fill in a form and done. Well, not really done, cause they still need to find a proper job for you, and that takes time. I think I saw more then 12 of those agencies. 

I think I will spend one day or a afternoon to visit some of them, cause I still need a job.What will happen next with me? What's on the next program? Next Tuesday I have a appointment with the owner and with my counselor. We will have a talk about  wether I can stay here for the 24-hour program or not, Cause now I'm just here cause I didn't had a place to stay, well, I had but, it was much to expensive, and my time was up there. The reason why Humanitas took me in is called a 'emergency call'. Either way I have less worries now, and that's a relief. But still no job and income, Friday I will have to call with Gak again and my counselor is keeping contact with the government, cause Humanitas needs to be payed aswell, not by me but by them. Still lots to do, it keeps my thoughts a bit laway from Canada. Yes, I still miss Saf and the kids, specially the kids. 

When I think of them for only two seconds I get it hard again. But you know what? In the end I will still miss them but I will have a better feeling about it I guess. But were not there yet, those missing feelings and sad feelings will come back. In the end it will all be a good memory! No more sadness then, I hope, though I will never, never forget them. I really had a great time with Saf and I know for 1000% I will visit them again. Keeping contact with Saf and the kids means alot to me. I have a good feeling about the future, it feels good. 

 #A little confession: in the evening before I go to sleep, I put a picture from Tasn on my night table. Weird?  No, cause I miss her, and this way doing that makes me feel good, so, not weird for me.

You got to move on....

You got to move on....

12:05pm

Sometimes my friends say, "You got to move on, keep the memories with you but, move on." It's sure not easy to move on. My friends sure think of me, I could not continue without them, and I preciate that alot! I have to move on but where do I start? This week  I need a message back from Humanitas, if not?  Then I'm in BIG trouble. Cause I will be homeless then. I did some research on the internet for intstantions who can help me out when your homeless and don't have money. Searching to long for that makes me depresive and  not able to look any further. 

The stories of other homeless people on the internet is to much to handle, it makes me think, "Why me"? "I don't want this"! "Is this reality?" It sure is reality , and I have still  so much to do, but first thing to do  is to find a roof over my head this week . Today I will call with 'Gak' again. I'm already guessing what they will say, "Sorry Sir, your letter didn't recieve yet, can you call again in five days?" Sigh!

I just sent a mail off too Humanitas asking them if they already had some good news, maybe I shouldn't, cause it's still early to respond to them. Friday me and my counseler filled in the form and we spoke to a lady of Humanitas, it's Tuesday now, yesterday maybe they recieved the form, and then they will talk about it today. I just couldn't wait, cause I'm nervous and scared about the result. It feels like 'they' are my last hope.

I was thinking of other Family members who I can maybe call and ask for a place to stay, but those Family members I haven't spoke in years. And then to ask them would be akward, and how on earth do you ask something like that? So much to concern, I hope I have better news in the afternoon,cause I need to cheer up this blog! Don't worry it's comming! It will come.

And it came... 


18:12 pm


So, I went to my Dad again, just like yesterday to call with Gak. Dad wished me a happy birthday, and gave me some money in my hand, but I gave it back. I said to him, "Keep it for now, I might need it later in the week." He said, "Okay." I grabbed Dad's phonebook to look up some Family members and friends, cause the time is running out, I need a place to stay this week . I wrote down  a few adresses from people I know, you never know if they have a place for me.


Time to call Gak, I wasn't even nerves cause I was guessing already what they would say. And I was right. A lady picked up the phone and told me the same story again, the letter did not come yet, it takes five work days till a letter arrives, call back Friday. Sigh! They became to sound like parrots, I wanna bet if I call them back on Friday, they still don't have the letter. Even when I would bring the letter to them I swear they will do nothing with it. I was about to give up! I called my counseler to tell him about the phonecall to Gak. 


He was angry aswell and he asked me what I done lately.I told him that I was still looking for houses and places, and still looking for jobs. My counseler wanted to make a phonecall again with the goverment. And he told me he will call back later. I waited 30 minutes and decided to go home, cause I knew the counseler will send me a mail later. When I arrived at home I opened my laptop, and saw alot of birthdays wishes on Facebook. It does me good when people think of me and that they concern, even though they far away. 


I opened my mailbox and saw the counseler's mail, he wanted me to call him back right away, it was important! I took my coat and ran to the office of the summer camping, I asked for a phone and called my counseler, he had good news. He told me that Humanitas wanted me tomorrow  early in the morning!  I couldn't believe it, and got a bit nerves but felt aswell excited. "This is so all of a sudden," I thought. I need time to relax and prepair myself first when such things happen, but there was not much time. This is a next step forward for sure. 


After the phonecall I spoke right away to the lady of the farm, cause this was my last chance to talk to her, tomorrow early in morning I will be gone. I needed to pay her but I can't, she knows about my situation and she knows I can't pay but she asked me anyway. I told her I can't but I will for sure pay you before the weekend. The lady had doubts first, but agreed later. I felt sorry, cause if I would have the money I would pay her. It feels bad that it has to be like this. I'm sure going to pay her, no matter what!  How? I don't know.


Early up for me tomorrow, suitcases are packed, I'm actually ready to go. What can I expect there? I don't know and I will see, I know I can't stay here. What about internet? I don't know either, I hope they have internet. Keeping contact with my friends is important for me aswell,and writting in the blog to keep you guys informed. 


For now I will say, perhaps see you at Humanitas or elsewhere, we sure will keep in touch!  
I'm ready for my next step trough this proces.... Are you with me?

They say it's my Birthday! (February)

Yep! it's after 12:00 in Europe and I'm oficially 43 now!

43 Hooray's for me...

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray!