"O sleep, O, gentle sleep."

"O sleep, O, gentle sleep."

I like resting on Sundays, just doing nothing and lay my head to rest. I took a few naps today, two in the morning and one in the afternoon. The weather is nice, sometimes a bit of rain and then suddenly the sun bursts out again and it almost blinds you. I need to recharge for tomorrow's work, that's why I rest, last night I almost fell asleep behind the computer. During the week I'm quit alright, but when the weekend comes and I have my rest, I go flat, feeling tired and sleepy. Yesterday was aswell a busy day though with Ricardo and such, today he was okay. He asked me alot of things but I told him friendly that I need aswell time for myself. I took him with me in my room for a little while, we had some lunch and did some writting and coloring. After that I sent him to his Mom and Dad, cause I needed something to do, 'wink, wink,' (not) "After dinner you can come back," I told him. He was alright with that.

Yesterday an un-expected mail came in my mailbox, it was from a collection-agency. (Hope Google translate has it right) In other words I have to pay a bill within 5 days, it's from my health-insurance. They want me to pay a bill from 2009, hello? The mail was from a collection agency like I said, it's a company with bailiffs aswell. The mail made me nerves a bit cause I never, had 'such' a mail and never had bailiffs. My counseler told me not to be nerves, "Upcomming Monday I will ask the secretary here to pay this bill from you money." The bill wasn't a 1000 of Euro's but still it was a bit of a pain to pay, strange though that it was a bill from last 2009, specially that I don't have a clue what, or why. Tomorrow at my work I will call the secretary just to be sure she has seen the bill and payed it. 


How am I doing? I'm alright, the missing feelings are becoming less. Sure I still think of them, but I'm alright with it, it hurts less. Although, when Tasn flashes trough my mind it hurts a bit more. I will always keep her in my mind, I still care for her, even though I'm far away. Perhaps I can call it a long distance care-friendship. I hope she's doing fine at school and that she has a lot of friends in Barrie. Love ya Tasn! Further then that, I'm doing fine, I'm getting the money what I need and where I have a right on, I got my usurances. Work is going good, everything is progressing slowly and that's what I like, slowly but steady. Just a little bit nerves about getting a new house, and living on my own again. But it gives a happy feeling aswell. 


I'm getting along at Humanitas, you build a certain kinda attatched feeling up here though. And that can be good or not good, I don't know,we will see. Humanitas has been good for me, that's for sure, with here and there some ups and downs, but okay. I'm looking forward for tomorrow's work, the weekend was and is nice, but the week is so much better, cause there is more to do in the week.

"So many people, so less time."

"So many people, so less time."

Another chaotic day, sometimes I wish I just had some more time for myself, I guess I have to force myself to it. Let's start right away with Ricardo then that's done. He's been hectic and chaotic to day, He's attatched to me, and he's not giving himself time to eat, according to him, I'm waiting for him. I really like him, and I would like to help to calm him down or to give him some attention or the love that he needs. But I need aswell time for myself so now and then, I want and I will work on that starting tomorrow. Like I said today was pffeeww, hectic. The morning was quit okay, cause Ricardo was out. Arround 11:30 he knocked at my door, he told me there's coffee down stairs waiting in the garden. I had to come. 


I could use a cuppa so I came with him, Ricardo had his plan spending time with me already planned. I promised him to have a bike ride with him and doing some grocery yesterday. After the coffee Ricardo had to go for a bit with his Mom and Dad, that gave me the oppertunity to have a good rest, in other words a nap. Around 12:00 I had a appointment with Paula, (counseler) we talked for a while but didn't had much news. Only I had a mail from Gak, and it told me that I had a appointment with them, it was about re-integration. Gak wants to look together with me what the possibillities are for re-integration/work. Well, I am already working at Reha and Reha is a kind of a re-integration project, this project will see what I'm able of to do and from there Reha will look for a job for me. 

The funniest thing is now, I recently are in contact with a lady from Gak who does work together with Reha. (I told about this before)This lady wants  to look for me for a certain kinda job what will be good for me and suits me, I talked with her already what my abillities are and what I'm able of. Now in the mail I got from Gak is written that I have a appointment with a lady who I don't know. Funny is that these two ladies, the one from Reha/Gak and the one from Gak are working for the same company Gak. Akward, and I don't need another re-integration company/factory, I'm good with Reha. But I will go to that appointment just to tell them I'm already taken. 

The day went on and after my appointment with Paula I asked for a key to unlock the shed where Ricardo's bike was in, he has a really nice looking BMX bike. I used Paula's key and I saw Johannus standing by the door without Ricardo, he might be searching for me. I gave the key back to Paula and Paula said that the shed will be locked again by the night-guard. I went upstairs to look for bmx-Ricardo, I had my Ricardo/schedule/plan ready. Ricardo stood at my door and he asked me where I was, he knocked so many times on my door. I told him that I unlocked the shed where his bike was in, he was happy and we took off. He had money with him for the drink what we will buy, lol! I explained to him what he has to do while were riding the bike. 

"Don't go ahead of me, always stay beside me on the right side, and don't take of," he understood it all and we took of. The riding went well and we drove quit a while, I was aware that we drove in the city on a saturday afternoon and that's a busy day with lots of traffic. But it went well, Ricardo asked me many time what WE are going to eat tonight, "WE, can buy that kinda food or that kinda food," he's was clever in his askings, so he could spend more and more time with me. But I longed for a evening for myself tonight, but we will see what happens. I had a good time with him though, even though he was hectic. After our drive we went to the grocery store, I needed my weekly food. 


Ricardo wanted to buy drinks and I had to help him as usual, it was alright. We had a good time in the store, only he ask sometimes for some candy or free drinks, I have to refuse that sometimes, otherwise he will be asking it all the time. He bought a bottle od Sissi, and 4 cans of juice. While I payed my grocery I bought 2 Snickers aswell, he was a nice boy while ridding his bike, so yeah, deserved. Back at Humanitas I wanted to prepair my food but Ricardo offered me (again) to eat with him or his parents, I told him that tonight I will eat by myself, he can help me or eat with me with his parents food, but that's it. He wanted to help me but later on he took of, he started to go hectic, prolly his medication for his adhd was worked out.


I cooked alone and ated alone, Ricardo was playing everywhere, he seemed alright. Later on he went a bit naughty and his parents went mad. That's always the time when he goes bananas, (adhd-time) he curses and uses bad, bad language, and wants to throw things. Result? Angry parents and angry Ricardo. Within 20 minutes the storm was past and everything seemed normal. I went upstairs to sneak out for my "me" time, but 10 minutes later Ricardo knocked on my door. It was 8:00pm, he was sweating and breathing heavy, "I'm hungry and Mom doesn't want to make me any food cause I was naughty, and Dad is angry at me," he said, he cried a bit. Sigh! "I can't alway be there for him," I thought. I went with him to his Mom and she told me he was naughty and that he has to listen, she wasn't mad at him. 


Ricardo insisted food, then he took off again with a hectic head. Sigh I decided to go to my room, knowing he would be there, and he was. I took him with me and layed on my bed for a while, I talked with him and we played some games. I told him that he can stay till 9:00 then I will bring him back. I letted him make some homework, the "Name 3 things what you want to change about yourself, " game. We made it a funny game, and it went alright. He calmed down and then I brought him upstairs. Ricardo has to listen to his Mom and Dad, and stop the bad language, I wish I could help him but it's tough sometimes, I have respect though for his Mom and Dad. This week I want to work on myself and Ricardo, he can't be with me all the time. I need aswell time for me and my important things.


I will be with him, but less, when I'm with him I will give him attention and will spend time with him, but less. I still love him, and I'm sure that this upcomming week will be better for me and Ricardo, I had a chaotic day but it was alright.

"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."

"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."

Yes, a little subject about children again, I can't help it. I see two little kids running and wondering around here at Humanitas, and many times I chooked my head. This place is NOT  a good inviroment for kids, they see bad things from older people here what they shouldn't be seeing. Bad language, sometimes drinking, argues and issues, etc, etc. Kids need to play, kids need to see what kids may see, Kids need to be kids and play with other kids from there own age.The only good thing about it now, the Humanitas staff and the parents are going to do something about this. Ricardo has ADHD, and sometimes the residents gives him candy (wrong!) Today after the coffee break a staff member asked me if I give Ricardo sometimes candy, I told her, no. And the talk continued, it grabs me if they talk about Ricardo, it grabs me aswell if I see his parents parenting him the wrong way, or in a way I would have do it differently. But, who am I? I shouldn't be even involved in it. But like I said it grabs me to see Ricardo suffer.

But okay, they are working on it, and if they need my help, I will sure help. On with this day, it's been a uhm, not a busy day but a full day. I had a litte rest around noon, but further the day was fully full. First the coffee-break, it was nice outside, so we sat outside. Sun was shinning and it wasn't cold at all. After the coffee-break I needed to go to the 'new' doctor. I filled in the paper what he gave me yesterday and brought it to the first desk at the doctor's, but I forgot something "Sigh," the doctor needed aswell a copy of my passport like he told me yesterday. Oh well, I told the accistance that I will come back in the afternoon with that copy, I'm so forgetable sometimes. I needed to do more this day, but it was almost time for the second coffee-break and after that I want a nap, it's been a full week,witch work and such. 

When I got back some of the staff members were busy with the garden, cleaning and shoveling. I and Johannus helped out aswell, for a bit. The staff made aswell two sandbuckets for the chigarettes left overs. (or how do you call them) It's the summer and the residents are sitting more and more outside, smoking. They don't have anything to put the left ciggs left overs in, yeah, we have ashtrays but there inside. The sandbuckets will come in handy. It was time for my nap, I was exhausted. But I couldn't catch my sleep, I layed on my bed for an hour, then I got up cause someone knocked on my door. It was Daniel, (a resident) he needed toiletpaper, I gave him the half roll I had in my closet. We do borrow sometimes from each other, LOL! 


After my lunch Johannus offered me to give me a ride to my doctor, (copy, passport) cause he needed to get his kid from school. It's the youngest one, and also the naughtiest one, he's in kindergarten. The visit to the doctor was easy, I handed in the copy and that was it. Off we went to get the little one from kindergarten, Johannus parked the car infront of the play-yard, so we both could see the kids playing. Johannus went out of the car and I stayed in the car. He said hello to his little one, and I saw more Mothers and Fathers comming. The kids run to there parents to say hello, it was nice to see that happening, but aswell a bit hard. Just wishing I was standing there with a kid from me running towards me and then a hug and a 'hello.' Oh those Father feelings, LOL! 


When we got back at Humanitas Ricardo stood there waiting for us, when he saw us he run to me and gave me the biggest hug ever. It reminded me that Johannus told me more then once, "One day I'm gonna adopt you in our Family," he says it with a big smile. Ricardo really likes me, but I know aswell that I have to keep my distance, cause I'm not his Father. Johannus seems to don't mind, aslong he has a good time, it's all good he must be thinking. Sometimes it bothers me a bit to be that much around them, one of the residents told me once, "Your always around with this Family," I told him, "Yes, so?" Sometimes it's good to take these residents not that serious. He might be right, but aslong we have a good time with each other, it's all good. And were not at Humanitas forever, what's wrong with having a good time in thiss short time? Right? I wish we  all could be like that.


Sometimes the residents we eat together. Tonight I ated dinner with Johannus's Family and Daniel, we had hamburger sandwisches. I bought the desserts and the sandwisches, I eat alot with Johannus, and it gives me a bad feeling I can't do much back. But this time I could, so, this time I had a good feeling. Johannus his girlfriend had to go to another city in the evening, it was more then a 30 minute drive. Jo' asked me to come, and I went, cause I hadn't much to do. The drive was good but a bit chaotic. I had flashbacks from my time in Canada, running and flying everywhere trough the day, welcome to a big family! I'm glad I got used to it, it came in handy today, and I saw it came in handy many times.

When we dropped Jo's girlfriend of we drove back, and me and Jo took care of the kids. The youngest one was putted to bed right away and slept within 10 minutes, like always. He's so easy with that. Ricardo could stay up a bit longer but went to bed by himself in a hour. Me and Jo's plan was that Jo would drive back to pick up his girlfriend at 9:30, and I stay with the kids, I offered this towards Jo. Otherwise we had to wake the kids up again, and it was already late. When Jo took off Ricardo was still awake, and he asked me to join him in bed for a little chat. That was alright with me, sometimes I think to myself that I have to keep my distance also, and that goes well. I need to try to keep the balance between 'what's right, and what's wrong, that's not a problem either. But just that sometimes like I said yesterday, it grabs me sometimes what I see what's happening here with Ricardo. 

He was laying underneath his blanket and I layed next to him above the blankets, we played some word games, and we had fun, it calms him. The chat went a bit rougher or emotionally when we played another word game called, 'Name three things. Ricardo 'started off and asked me, "Name three things why you like me," I answered, "Cause I think your a sweet guy, even though your naughty, I like you cause your cute, and I like you cause you like me." I played it safe, cause he's still a kid, I can't tell him to much. It was my turn, I asked him, "Name three things why do you like me?" he answered, "Cause you play football with me, you go to the park with me, and you are very nice." He obliviously liked the game cause he went on and on, in the end I had to stop him cause he went to deep, he can't work that all out, he's still a kid.

Two things what Ricardo told me, made me almost shed a little tear. He didn't asked me but he came up with the question by himself, he told me three things what he didn't like about his Father. He didn't like it when Papa hits him so now when he's naughty, he didn't like the rough voice and the cursing of his Papa, and he didn't like when Papa is rough with his Mama.
This was the time I had to stop Ricardo, I hugged him, told he's sweet and I explained him  why his Mom and Dad love him . Sigh! "I have one more thing to tell," he whispered, "I don't like it that I have adhd." I told him, "It's alright." So now and then I have it hard with keeping  my distance. But when I can't handle it anymore, I keep my distance automaticly, it's not healty for me to get to much emotionally involved. Not only for me but aswell for Ricardo and his Mom and Dad. I do love this cute little fellow though, that won't change.


So far, I'm alright and I know what to do, and what I can do and can't do. If it's getting to chaotic then I will switch things over. I can go on and on about Jo's family, but I know when to stop when it's getting to much. I have other things to do aswell, important things for myself. So far, it's all good! 

"Facebook, Jaggle, Skoften, Vkmag, Forum, Blogger, Hyves."

"Facebook, Jaggle, Skoften, Vkmag, Forum, Blogger, Hyves."

Just a few sites what I daily visit, Facebook is the absolute number one, oh yeah! First I didn't even like it that much, I had a account and a few friends. All I did was sending hearts or flowers, or anything what you can send trough Facebook. I tought that was the only thing you could do there, untill I started to get more friends and mutual friends.Is it addicting? Hmm, I don't know, I think when I would stop for a week with Facebook I would miss it. I wouldn't say it's addicting, it's more of a habbit, when I turn my laptop on I automaticly first go to Facebook. Hyves is the Dutch version of Facebook, but it's nothing like Facebook, it's kinda boring.

Anyway, on with this Thursday, I had a nice day at work. I felt exhausted but satisfied, I still feel tired after working three days. Three days that's enough for me at the moment, after Thursday I need my rest, and my relaxing. I take alot of naps the days after work, cause my body is asking for it. A little suprise today at work, Johannus is starting his first working day on Monday, he had such a big mouth that he WON'T go to work. He told me he can't, he's not able, and he won't work for nothing. He told me aswell that he has to work though from Humanitas otherwise they will throw him out, hmm.

I agree with Humanitas that Johannus needs something to do instead of walking or woundering around in the building, it will do him good to work a little bit, and to see other people. Johannus is sick though, he had a operation on his knees in the past and has difficulties with walking on stairs, specially now, cause he has a upcomming inguinal hernia. But the work he can do at Reha can be light, or he can sit down doing his job. Although he 'has' to work I'm glad he took the step. By the way, his girlfriend has to work aswell, and they have two kids. They both will work on different times, and while the kids are off to school. 


Lately I feel good at Humanitas, but there are days when I say to myself, "Ugh, send me somewhere else." Some certain things here gets annoying, like people being drunk or complain all the time, not always tough. I think it's just the fact that these people are so NOT like me, sometimes it's fine being with them and sometimes I have laughs with them. But, aswell sometimes I think, oh please! I wouldn't say there 'bad'people, but there behaviour is so tough sometimes, it's way the opisite from my behaviour. I think it's not that healty for me to stay not that long here at Humanitas, my counseler Linda told me this aswell. 


Maybe the only one who I can become attached with is Johannus and his Family, even tough there though and grew up in so called 'bad' inviroment, it's nice with them. But you have to be alone with them.  I was thinking to go out a day with Johannus and his Family, perhaps a amusement park or a zoo, it would be nice for the kids, specially the kids. They need aswell a kids time so now and then, instead of walking and wondering around at Humanitas. It's sure is not healty for them being around such tough people.

"Insert a proper tittle."

"Insert a proper tittle."

I couldn't find a proper tittle for this post, but I think this one will do. Yesterday I suddenly saw my vanished two posts from this blog again, when blogger came back after a day being out off-line there were two posts missing, and I had to re-write them. Now I saw them suddenly back. I copy and paste them to the rights posts, and afterwards I deleted the ones who came back. Today I saw the two posts again, I'm a 100% sure I deleted them yesterday. Weird, but okay, I deleted them for the second time. It makes me sometimes worry if this whole blog would disapear suddenly. Oh my God, I would go bananas. Maybe I should leave a copy of the whole blog somewhere. Anyway!

This day was okay, a bit of cleaning, laptopping, resting, Ricardoing, coffeeing, and ofcource the doctor's appointment, I had to be there at 3:00pm for a conversation.I was nice on time, I had to wait a short 10 minutes in the waiting room, well room? You could say hall, cause it was huge. The Doctor guided me in and shooked my hand, I sat down and the Doctor asked me a few questions. I told him a bit about my background and what has happend to me in the last six months. He asked me aswell if I had any diseases, then I told him about my thyroid and how it's going at the moment with the thyroid. 


It wasn't along conversation, I think I sat there for 10 minutes, and I was out again. The Doctor gave me some papers what I had to fill in and he asked me to bring my passport next time, and that was it. I was suprised about how short the visit was, the papers I had to fill in was done in five minutes, just my name, adress, year and date of birth, etc, etc. The doctor seems a nice guy, you couldn't really tell he's doctor, I think he's in his 50's, has grey hair and a short grey beard. While I was talking he looked at me in a certain way, that kinda made me nerves. He didn't talk that much, he letted me do the talking, so, there were a few quiet times.

But anyway, time will tell, I have a doctor and I'm happy. After the doctor's visit I went for 'gift' shopping, what on earth do you buy a teenager? It's nearly Mar's Birthday, and I wondered trough the city what to buy. But I succeeded, and how! I bought a nice gift, I think Friday I will post the gift. Yes, I still buy Saf's kids gifts for there birthday, I did it with Noor, Tasn and Ab, and now it's mar's Turn. I have the feeling I own them a gift on there birthday, and I don't see any harm in giving them. I spend time with them and by this way I show them I care even though I'm far away. It's all good.

"Rain, rain go away, please come back another day!"

"Rain, rain go away, please come back another day!"

Ofcource every Summer needs a bit of rain, but it's been rainy, windy and cold now for four days, I feel a bit of a cold comming up aswell. Hurting troath and a full nose, A warm tea beside me at the moment, while I'm writting this post. Green tea with a bit of cranberry said the package, smells good and it's good for me. I should drink more often tea like I use to did in the early days, I started to drink more coffee while I was in Canada, yes! You can blame Tim Hortons! The coffee was good there, French vanilla, double double, extra large! Usually I spoil myself in the evening with a "good" cuppa coffee, not a regular but a nice cappucino in a large cup, yum! 

Again I went trough the rain this morning just like last Monday morning, not that nice, but okay. I had a nice working day, I finnished (almost) one wooden lounge two sitter. I worked with another fellow worker, he's a nice chap and gpood towork with. There were alot of women today on our work floor, they were all from Humanitas from all over Holland and they needed to do a cource. Some of them were looking really nice, hehe (blush) woot! No, I didn't had a conversation with one of the ladies. While I'm writting this, I start to think, and ask myself if I would be ready for a date. The answer is "No, not yet," I'm not ready yet. The feelings are over though for Saf, perhaps just  tiny, tiny bit, but it's more a feeling of, "Ah, it's a pity it didn't work out." 


Life goes on, and I'm moving along with it. Sometimes I have these thoughts flashing trough my mind of, hey it's not that bad being single. But yeah, the longing for having a family again is strong, I hope the longing will be answered. I'm not so much going to look for it, I'm going to enjoy myself and my goal is to feel happy. Perhaps then the women will notice it and ...who knows? Right? After work I was tired and layed myself on the bed, I had a good rest before I made ssome dinner. Actually I was expecting Ricardo to knock on my door but he didn't show up. *Sigh!*  Maybe I see him a bit later, I thought. Am I getting attatched to him? Maybe just a bit, maybe it's because I'm missing the two little ones from Canada, Ab and Tasn, and Ricardo makes me think of them while being with him.

Yeah I need a family, LOL! It's needed! And yes, I saw Ricardo later on together with his little brother and Johannus. The two little kids started a pillow fight and I joined in, cause they wanted that I joined in. It was fun and we had laughs, but aswell exhausted. Johannus asked me to go with him one day to go fishing, I said sure, that's alright. Perhaps this weekend we go, if the weather is good. Finally, finally. I have found me a Doctor last week, yay me! Tomorrow I will meet him at 3:00pm, I will meet him for a talk, getting to know each other talk. I'm excited, and not even nervous. I have aswell an appointment with Paula tomorrow, I want to ask her about my Holiday-money what I got from 'Gak.'  If I can get a part of it, I could use some of it. I need clothing and towels, and soon it's Mar's birthday.

I have no clue what to get her though, I will see tomorrow. I'm 100% sure I will come up with something good!

Scala and Kolacny Brothers - California Dreamin'

"Take some time for yourself."

"Take some time for yourself."

I think everyone likes some time for them self, specially after a long day. I like it in the evening after a long day just a "me" time. With a cuppa coffee and the laptop, it's all I have at the moment. But I'm not complaining, I love it. Spending time with other people is also important,  and seeing or doing other things what keeps you busy is a must. But in the evening I want some time for myself, if it's possible. It's been a long exhausted day, I'm glad I took my naps yesterday, cause I wasn't able to take them today. Oh, and the weather was afwull, thin rain and much colder.

I got out of bed around 5am, the usual time I get up before work. Waking up slowly and taking my time, out of bed was easy, I had a nice sleep. I made my lunch for work and after that my breakfast. Cornflakes this time, it's easy to make and it's nice. I looked out of the window and saw the grey clouds and it rained, ugh, I guess I needed some warmer clothes. I putted on my raincoat and an extra pair of gym-pants over my working jeans, sigh! That will be my rain-pants for today, LOL! It's fine, I don't like to walk in wet clothes.

I worked a half day today, cause I had a dentist appointment at 1:50pm, first I wasn't sure if I  would go. I was tired and the weather was afwull. But I went cause the last time I cancelled the appointment aswell, I wouldn't  know what the dentist would say after cancelling it for the second time. Working the half day was nice,I finished one wooden baby table. I really like making such things, that's a good sign. On my way to the dentist appointment I went first to Humanitas to my room, (I had time) I putted dry clothes on and brushed my teeth, I was soked cause of the rain and I was tired.

It will take me 15 minutes with the train to Nijverdal, perhaps I take a short nap in the train. I was nice on time, and the train was almost empty. I closed my eyes for 15 minutes and it felt good.There is some building going on in my old village Nijverdal, there building a new huge tunnel for the trains, there will come a new trainstation, and in the centre of the village there will be alot of new penthouses and new shopping malls, and a few flats. They started already a few years ago, and I must say there progressing. It looks nice,I wonder how it will look when it's all finished. The dentist was late in his appointments.... 

...It was 1:50  and he still had to do one patient, it was fine with me, I needed my rest from the long walk. It was 2:05 when it was my turn, I was nervous a bit, cause I wasn't sure what was gonna happen, I knew the dentist was gonna finish my rootcanal treathment, but there were 2 new filling to be drilled aswell. Would he do it all in one appointment? No, he didn't, pffeeww! But he had alot of work with finishing that rootcanal thingy, I think I or the dentist broke the world record 'putting as many things in your mouth.' Unbelievable, so much, cottons, drills, a screw thingy, you name it. 

 On top on that after putten it all in my mouth the dentist assistant wanted to make an little X-ray of my tooth. I was okay, although the X-ray tool had a huge round thing and it needed to be put under my tongue, ouch with all that other stuff in my mouth, LOL! I so don't like cottons in my mouth, I always seem to almost swollow them if they are to long in my mouth. And then the drill, it seems my tongue and the drill always try to play tag, ouch. The dentist told me to hold my tongue still and relax, that's easy for him to say, LOL! Anyway the job was done and I returned to Almelo. 

 I was nearly at my room when I saw Johannus and his Family, I was happy though to see them, even though I was tired. I like them lately, specially Ricardo, I missed the little fellow today. Johannus asked me to come with him to another town, I said, "sure," I didn't mind. He had to go pick up some medication, but where for I didn't know, it didn't matter either. I had a nice time and the ride was good.When we came back, Ricardo asked me to eat dinner with them, even Johannus said it was fine I joined them with dinner. But I refused, not that I don't like it but, I eat so many times with them, I feel almost sorry for them. 

I can't do not much back, it makes me feel a bit guilty. So I said no, thank you. Not even 10 minutes later being in my room Ricardo knocked on my door and gave me a note, her Mom wrote the note with written on it, "It's really okay to have dinner with us, we have plenty, are you comming?" I thought, "How can I refuse that?" I wanted to but just felt guilty cause the offer me so many times, but okay I went,  I was happy though! After dinner I offered to do all of the dishes and dry them. Johannus's girl laughed and told that it was fine. Johannus helped me a bit though. 


It was a full day and I liked the dinner and I liked to see Ricardo again for a bit, but it was time for a "me" time, some time for myself, it's been a long day. Johannus went outside for a bit with the kids and asked me to come, sigh! "It's alright," I thought, just for a short while. Johannus need something to do while he's here, Humanitas wants himto go to Reha, the same work I do, but he refuses. "I'm not gonna work for nothing," he always says. I understand Humanitas though, it's sure not healty to stay day and night everyday at the same place, you need something to do. Just to break the day, or even the week. We will see what he does, I'm sure it will dom him good.

"A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting."

"A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting."  

Some say Sundays are resting days, I just woke up from my third nap. Ah! And the last nap was like, ugh! I felt  like I could sleep the rest of the day, I had to stop myself, otherwise I can't get to sleep tonight. It's mostly like this in the weekends, Monday's I start fresh and I can complete the whole week. I feel tired though but, it's okay, I can manisch. But when Saturday comes I feel exhausted, I'm able to do the things I need to do, but for sure I need my naps then. Funny though, that I can manisch a whole week and suddenly 'beng' I pass out of tiredness. It's like you have a little brick on your chest and you feel like your catching your breath. It makes me think aswell, I work three days in the week and that'ss the limit, that's all I can do at the moment. 

Perhaps I'm able of more days or more hours, but for now three days is enough for me. I'm so happy that I have a doctor here, finally I can check my blood again (for my thyroid) and keep my thyroid sickness updated. I really wonder how my blood is now, after all this stress. It's been a year since a Doctor checked my blood, that was in Canada. This comming Thursday I will meet my new Doctor, I will have a conversation with him and I will get some papers with me that I have to fill in. Tomorrow there's a dentist appointment again, I totally forgot my last appointment. I had to make a new one, and that was alright with the dentist. Not sure though if I go with the train or that I will go on my bike. 

There's a strong wind the last few days, and I refuse to bike all the way to Nijverdal with a strong wind. Last time I did that, I was out of breath, and I told myself, "That no more." Feeling this tired now, I think of going by train, but wi'll see. Last week I was getting my 'holiday money,' This money will be payed out to everyone who works, Holiday pay is an allowance to employees for the purpose of vacation to cover additional costs. (Google translate) Ofcource every employee will get a different amount of money, it has to do with age and the kinda work you do, aswell it matters if your employed or un-employed.

Although I got the holiday money, I haven't seen it yet on my bank account. Now I have two bank accounts at the moment, and that's for a reason. There's the ING bank account, that's my account. And there's the Humanitas bank account, as I call it. This Humanitas bank account is there for a reason,  almost all the money what come's in (for me) goes to the Humanitas bank account. I can't get that money unless I ask for it, Humanitas is using that money to help me out with paying my bills. It's how Humanitas works here, they do this with every resident. It sounds kinda rude to hold in your money, but they are helping you out. 

Maybe the only thing what you can call rude is that this Humanitas bank account aswell hold in your rent automaticly on that account, the monthly rent you have to pay for your staying here. I'm not calling it rude, cause you might get a mess if they don't do that. It only looks rude, all you have to do is accept it, get used to it and trust them.  I trust, accept and got used to it, what else can I do? About the money I recieved, it's sure is not alot of money. Prolly it will go to the Humanitas account, to pay a vieuw bills. Although I can use it for something else aswell, I could use some towels, perhaps clothing and Mar's birthday is comming, the first of June. I will ask this week what's gonna happen with the holiday money, I'm sure I can get some. Hey! It's my money!  -insert smile- 

There was a cold wind today...

There was a cold wind today...

The cold wind made this day a bit colder then usual, it was only 18 degrees today. It's the weekend, and I couldn't get started, I rested if it was posibble, did some grocery and some laundry. Sigh, laundry, I went all the way upstairs for doing the laundry. The third floor was finally free, yesterday there was someone's wet laundry still in the machine, and he or she left it there till late in the evening. Then I went to the second floor but that machine was broken. there was one floor left, but I don't like to put my laundry in there. They steal laundry from that machine, who? If only we knew.

I left the laundry for what it was yesterday and thought to myself, tomorrow another day. This morning I did my laundry on the third floor like I said, but there was no dryer there. The dryer is on the second floor, (are you still there?) my laundry was spinning on the third floor and dryed on the second floor, late in the evening I was finally done with my laundry. It was a okay day today, not much happened. Although there was an incident going on the last two days. A month ago we had a new female resident living with us, in the beginning she was nice (I thought) but in a month time she all drove us nuts with her nasty talks and rude complains. I spoke to her a few times and she seemed okay but was feeling lonely, she wanted to get out of here

She complains alot, but when you try to solve it she makes the complain worser. There was a little incident going on with her neighbor, her neighbor seemed to had the music to loud. (it wasn't even loud) the neighbor tried to solve the problems many times, he even came outside to talk with her when she was shouting at him and started to insult him. The neighbor tried to be reasonable but it didn't work. This was just an example, many incidents like this happend over and over again. She prolly thought that everyone was against her. She seemed a nice lady, dressed nice, but she had alcohol, everyone hated her and causes stress, that was the limit. She had to go, she was send to the night-reception, cause she wasn't alowed anymore at Humanitas.

The night reception is a small building right next to our building. You can go there and spend the night, but in the daytime you have to get out. The female resident who was send there was drunk when she arrived , she prolly went into town to have some alcohol. She could stay there for five nights, cause in five days she was getting a house she said. The staff has caught her drinking and saw the bottle of booze in her purse. The staff wouldn't let her in, it's there rule to let no one in drunk or who has booze. The woman went again, and wondered around the streets. (kinda sad though) She was drunk and knocked again on our door, and other people's door. The police drove by a few times, but didn't do a thing.

Then I heard people talking and walking trough the halls on the second floor, (my floor) some residents and people from the night reception were looking trough the windows. The woman was caught peeing on the street, we nearly could see her from our windows. At the same time the Police arrived, and holded her. Some of our residents were looking trough the windows, and some were in my room, cause the vieuw was better there, sigh! It was a suprise for me that the Police letted her go, the police went left and the woman went right. Why didn't they take her? She's drunk and causes trouble to herself and to others. Weird! In a hour the Police came again cause the female tried to get in our building again, then suddenly they couldn't find her. After that, I heard nothing back from her.

The woman still has some stuff in her room and her bike is still standing at the night reception. I don't know what to think of her, like I said, she seemed a nice lady. She talked often to me, she looked and sounded lonely in my eyes. Perhaps searching for some attention, well, she had her attention though! Anyway, further with this day, I rested alot in the morning, took some naps and sat behind my laptop. In the afternoon I did my groceries, and after I came back I sat with Johannus and his Family outside. Ricardo shouted my name, he was happy to see me, as always. Johannus asked me if I wanted to come  cause they needed to do some groceries, it was fine with me. It was nice going out with them, they even offered me to eat with them in there room, just like yesterday. 

Sometimes I feel bad about such offer, cause they offer me alot of things for example the eating with them. Bad, because I can't do much back for them, I really need to take care of my money. What can I do? Do I have to  offer them to eat with me aswell? They are with four people, I can't afford that. But I must say, so now and then I bring sometimes something for the kids, or sometimes I buy a  little cake or cookies with the coffee. But still, I feel I should offer more, but I can't. I think I just keep it with so now and then something for the kids and sometimes a cake or cookies with the coffee, it's better then nothing, right? Paula my counsiler asked me a few weeks ago, if I build up already some close friends here at Humanitas, and will you be seeing them after you found a house...

...I first answered with a "No," but today I have been thinking that I began to like the company of Johannus and his Family. I like Ricardo, and I know for sure I will miss him when I found myself a house, it would be nice to see him back. And aswell the other Family members, but just that sometimes I think that they should not be around the wrong people, I don't like that. Johannus can be nice and caring but also very though, I see this thoughness also back in his kids, that's a pity. Kids these days copy alot from there parents, they should give the right example. Some parents do and some parents don't. Anyway,I'm drifting of, I think it's a nice time to go to bed.

"Getting things of my chest... Giving it a place... Closing the page..."

 

"Getting things of my chest... Giving it a place... Closing the page..." 


I would like to move on, and continu my life. I have been trough a tough and difficult time, but I feel that's behind me now. Although I would like to get some things of my chest first, after that I would like to give it a place and then close the page. In think it will surely help me, otherwise it will bother me for a long time. Here we go...

My bad!

I have seen things from myself the last 2 and a half years what I even wasn't  aware of I had it in me,  sometimes I was suprised and thought, "Wow, look at me." But sometimes I was shocked aswell. I'm talking about the time I was in Canada, yeah again, Canada. 

Complainer! I never complained so much while I was in Canada, why? I don't know, I shouldn't have complained. But, it's oblivious. Comming from a small family and living completely on my own for 6 years, then comming to a huge family what is alive and kicking was overwhelming indeed, I noticed like Saf told me. She asked me once if this all wasn't to overwhelming for me. I answered, "No, I love this, and I want this." I must admit that I complained alot, yes. I complained about the mess, the dirty dishes, kids not listening, etc, etc. I never been in such a thing it was 'new' for me. I complained the wrong way aswell , I never went to the person who deserved the complain, instead of that I went to Saf or any other one who didn't deserved the complain. My bad! I learned my lesson! Page closed...

Discipline! Suddenly I had five kids, I'm not complaining, I choosed for it to take care of them, I loved it, and I wanted it. I loved them all and still do. But how do you take care of kids? What is parenting? I felt like I  dived into it, I jumped in the deep. But again, I wanted it and longed for it. Saf kids were cute and I wanted to take care of them, but I had it hard sometimes, when they were not listening. How do you tell a kid for the 5th time for example to leave a toy alone, if it's not yours? I left it, when they didn't want to listen, I gave up. Saf hated it, specially when I say the words "I give up." Wrong! I know. I sometimes couldn't believe that kids were not listening, or could be that naughty. I really had difficulties with telling them over and over again, or give them the right punishment, I would rather walk away and just leave it. Maybe I was frighten aswell that they will comment me saying to me, "your not even my real Dad," that happened a few times though. I was new to this, new in parenting and showing discipline to the kids. But I don't feel like I failed, oh no! The kids loved me, called my Daddy and begged many time for going to the park or for a bike ride,  and begged for putting them to bed, and that is saying something. Either way I learned my lesson! I'm proud! Page closed...

Relationship!  I never was in a relationship before, Saf was my very first girl I had a relationship with. Again, everything, absolutly everything was new for me being in our  relationship! I knew it would be difficult. oh yeah! I jumped into this relationship without ANY, ANY  experience. I never knew though that a relationship takes SO much more then only sharing the love. I literally had to learn the things the hard way, poor Saf and poor me. It made me feel immaturely, my bad! I learned my lesson! Page closed...

Temper! Yeah, I had a temper, I was suprised I had tempers. I never had them, never was aware I had it in me. Sigh, my tempers were bad, they just happened, well, not just, ofcource I had a reason for my tempers. If I was bothered about something and I couldn't express myself, (what often happened) I wondered myself of, just to shout or perhaps slam a door, my bad. Saf and I had sometimes issues or arguess, why? Well, in every relationship there are sometimes issues and arguess. Another why? See the writtings above you, I had so many things to deal with, so many new things, it was though,oh yeah! It sometimes frustraded me, I was frustraded about myself aswell, frustraded about why on earth I always screwed up again, after telling myself so many times, never do that again! I went for it and never wanted to gave up....

When Saf and I had a issue or argue I was the one who would  like to solve it right away, just to get the peace back between us. I felt bad after every argue, I knew I was most of the time wrong and I would like to explain myself why I had this temper or frustration. But ussualy in every issue or argue Saf wouldn't say a word orshe would  say a few words and then turn around and walk away and ignore me for a few days completely. Sigh! I knew we had problems with this in our relationship, and oh how I wanted to solve it, maybe a bit to much. I noticed that gifts or loving notes not always helps. And, YES, I had more tempers after we broke up, I felt bad and at the same time I was grieving, arranging my flight back to Holland, trying to get me a place to stay in Holland and dealed with Tammy in our house. It was mega frustrating, and yeah,  I sometimes needed to get my anger out. I went alot of times for a walk, and my bad, I sometimes went to the garage to throw things. Not things what was from the Family but just garbage stuff, once I threw a little spade, and it went flying trough towards a wooden wall and it stayed in the wall. I was shocked and I thought, "This isn't me." I really needed to calm down, I cried a few times aswell in the garage or while walking, it reliefed. But oh, it was a tough time. My bad? I don't know, it doesn't matter aswell. I learned my lesson! Page closed...

 Job!  I needed a job for sure, I realized that, and I realize it now even more! The things I accomplished now in the last 4 months was harder to accomplish then finding a job in Canada. If I think of that now, I can knock myself for my head why I didn't work harder for getting a  job in Canada. I sure needed a kick in the butt in Canada, my bad. Oh yeah, my bad. Though I had a little job delivering flyers while living in Barrie, Saf offered me the delivery to drive me, and helping me out. I was new to this, and oh my I though my heart stopped while I was done with my first round delivering flyers. 300 flyers, and I would get 30 cent per flyer. I enjoyed it a few times, the houses I saw were gorgeous! But I was nearly dead after delivering those flyers. This wasn't my job and the 30 dollars in the week didn't help much. It was tough to get a job in Barrie, where to go? where to find one? I even thought about going trough the streets and ask people to shovel snow of there driveway. But it didn't work out, my sick thyroid said no. My bad! Yeah, it was not an easy lesson to learn. How I see it now is, only when I really have to I can accomplish alot of things, that's my bad. But I learned from it! I grab everything what I need now here in Holland, only a shame I didn't do that while I was in Canada, I had it in me. Either way, Page closed...

I knew Saf wanted more from me, I was running the house, doing dishes, laundry and take care of the kids. I was aware that I had to stand up aswell and be a good Dad and be a good Husband, I needed to be responsible for the Family, bring in some money. But I just couldn't get started, now I knew why though, everything was overwhelming it was to much I could handle, I still felt like a stranger in Canada! I just didn't wanna give up, I floated trough our relationship,I  tried to stand up and keep my head above the water, and never give up. But in the end I had too, Saf broke up with me, I saw it comming from miles away, but I didn't wanna admit it. I want to go further and further, I loved this family, I loved the kids. But in the end I had to admit it was way to much for me.

When I came to Canada for the first ten days, Saf bombarded me with love and lots of spoil moments, she treated me like a newborn husband, she had a plan,we had a plan. We both will work it out," she told me, I guess I stayed in these 'love, spoliled, moments, and kept on thinking, "We both will work it out." Yeah, one day, but that day never came, my bad? I guess I got spoiled to long by Saf, it was time for me to stand up and be a man! But it never happend, I became independed.My bad! Learned my lesson! Page closed...

Now being back in  Holland, I feel better then I was four months ago, I went trough hell but I'm here now and feel good and proud! I nearly build up my life again, were not there yet, but oh my, I never thought I would came so far! Do I feel regrets after being in Canada, NO!  I had a good time aswell, a very good time I must say. Being with the two little kids was heaven, doing things for them made me feela super Daddy and that felt good. Parks, walks, bikerides, you name it, Jolly good time! I had fun with Saf, we shared alot of things, laughs, love, karaoke, smiles, and some red bavaria's LOL! Good memories! I will never forget them! I will leave one page open to have a little peek sometimes.

Canada was good for me, I had a really good time and I learned alot, specially life lessons. I can take that with me being here now. I'm okay now and I feel that the happy days are comming, look at me! Work, income, people around me, it's all good!

"Its time for me to experience other things whether that means finding happiness with myself or eventually someone down the line ! right now, I'm just taking it easy."

 And then this...

The Blogger Team 

We are very sorry that users are unable to publish to Blogger right now. We have rolled back the maintenance release from last night and as a result, posts and comments from all users made after 7:37 am PDT on May 11, 2011 have been removed. Again, we apologize that this happened and our engineers are working hard to return Blogger to normal and restore your posts and comments. We will post a report once this work is complete... 

Sigh! Blogger came back late in the evening, But I had to re-write one and a half post cause they were gone.. anyway, good to have you back!

"All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!"

"All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!"

I had a little thought today, or a moment, or both. Make up your mind!! Okay, I had a moment today, when I thought, "I'm happy, this feels good!" While we had our lunch-break with work, we all joked around with silly talk. We sat outside in the sun and it was nice, everyone had a good time. That made me feel good too, I was happy! It felt really good. Sometimes I have difficulties with admitting when I'm having a happy moment, that I'm happy. Weird right? I think to myself then, "Yeah, okay that was fun, but I'm still not 'that' happy." Sometimes I have the feeling that I got stuck in that sad feeling, If people would or will ask me, "Are you happy?" I will answer, "I'm okay." Even after I had some good news or had a good time. Maybe I need to let go of that 'sad' feeling more often, and enjoy the little things around you. Like that cuppa coffee what'sn standing now right beside my laptop! 

Anyway, back to this day, this Thursday was a nice day.  Early up for work, even though we had to work till 2:30 pm today we did quit alot. Usually we work till 4:30 pm, but today our bosses had school. I made some wooden baby chairs and tables, together with a guy who worked here shortly. My boss told me that I had to explain him what I was doing and how it needs to be done, and then let him do some work too. Oh, I'm so good at that, sigh!  Not! I was working at a baby seat and it was nearly done, only a few lats needed to be sawed and add them to the seat. The new guy was standing there with his hands in his pockets, and waited till I said something, sigh! 

This wasn't really the job where I could use some help, not that I rather worked alone, (I do, but sssshh!) but, what can I offer him to do? I could ask him to hand me the hammer or the screw, but that doesn't work. Eitherway, I had to let him do something, so I explained him that I needed lats from a certain lenght, these lats needed to be found and sawed on the right lenght. I helped him the first time, and it went well. We finnished both one baby seat, this guy wasn't a talker, akward though cause I'm  not a talker either. But I felt I needed to talk with him, lol, I had to cause I had to explain him things. When he was done with helping me he putted his hands in his pockets again. And everytime I asked him something he answered 'yes,' or 'no.' He so reminds me of me in the past. 

We both were working on a set of baby seats and baby tables, we needed 2 sets. While I was working later on a baby love-seat (aaww) I tried to let the new guy try to build on his own a baby chair. And I must say, he did well. Finally I had him at work, so I could work on my own thing. I told him if he had questions he can always ask. Although it was a short day at work it was a nice day with here and there some laughs. After work I was exhausted, I have been busy the last few days, now it was time to relax. I went with Johannus and his Family (just like yesterday) to the free dinner around 4:30 pm. Yesterday we had marcaroni and today we had the same, oh well, it's free. I knew already that after dinner Ricardo wants to come with me for spending time with me, I was prepaired. 

I told him, "Your alowed to come, but only after you showered, and after you put clean clothes on." I told him this in a funny way, and he gave a high five, "That's a deal," he shouted. When he came, I had to send him back cause he was not good listening and he was a bit hyper. Sigh! It went okay, he went upstairs to his Mom and Dad by himself. I asked him that I will bring you upstairs, if your afraid, "Naah," he told me, "Your gonna tell that I wasn't so nice to you," I responded, "Your right, Now get going cutie!!" hehe!

"When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am older I know that it is."

"When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am older I know that it is." 

Oh how the afternoon ended happily! Yeah, I was happy! I will tell you later why. There was a bit of a thunderstorm last night, and it went pretty loud, most residents complained about it, including me. Ah, you know, Dutch people always complain or talk about the weather. It was a nice day with a good tempature, with here and there some sunshine. Roll on Summer, I love you! Today after the coffee break there were no cleaning chores, cause last Monday we did our best with cleaning. Though a few residents were making a beginning with painting an old room, it was really needed. Yesterday Johannus did a piece of the garden, then I thought, "Okay, I want to do something too today, " I cleaned the big windows on the second floor in the kitchen and living room. I was tired afterwards but felt satisfied. 

Ricardo is becomming a tiny bit of a pain, he's so attached to me, it's almost insane, LOL! I told his parents friendly that I need some time for myself too so now and then, they really understood. I don't hate Ricardo, he's a cute, sometimes nice kid. But just that sometimes, aarrgghh, you know. Sometimes he can be naughty and nasty, and just that sometimes I have to hide myself for him, haha! I think when I speak reasonable to him, and tell him that I now need some time for myself, or that I have other things to do now, he will understand. Hopefully. Today he spent some time with me aswell, I thought okay, it's fine. If I can take my nap on time, it's fine with me. But again, just that sometimes.... 

Today I had a appointment with Linda (my counsiler) and an old usurance man, who usuranced me since I have been living on my own, I know him now for more then 7 years. He's a good bussines man and knows how to sell things. I had a few usurances with him, they were the life-usurance, the contents-usurance. and the burial-usurance. These usurances have all been stopped when I went to Canada for good, (Oct. 2009) I didn't need them anymore and I can't use them in Canada. I even signed for it to stop the usurances, but a few months ago I noticed and saw on my bankstatements from the last 3 months, (I asked for these statements 2 months ago, cause I needed them for my income) that these usurances still have been paid untill May 2010. Paula and I wondered why these usurances been going on till that date.

Paula made an appointment with the man where I had these usurances with, and today he came. We would like to know if we still can get some money back, cause I stopped these usurances  almost 2 years ago. That wasn't possible cause they already have been stopped automaticly in May 2010, but there kinda still open to be re-opend (are you still there?) It felt and sounded like a puzzle what he all said. " You need to call the company, I can't do that here for you now," said the usurance man. So, all the usurances has been (kinda) stopped and we needed to know if we still can get some money from these usurances. (policy) We didn't want these usurances to be re-opened or start new ones. Paula called the company to see if we can get some money back, it took a while, but in the end... We got some money back! Yay! It was alot of money! "Your gonna get rich," said Paula, and I did a high five with her. 

I was suprised, and couldn't believe it. It was quit alot of money, woot! I can pay all my guilts now, insert smile here. Within 2 weeks I will get mail from the usurance company with the total amount of money what I will recieve, then I have to fill in a paper what I have to send back. Then within 10 days (the company told me) the amount of money will be standing on my bank account! Woot! I'm happy but, but I keep my fingers crossed, first I need to see the money before I believed it. Then I will dance the hokey pokey! Just before the usurance man came Paula and I had a little talk about 'getting tax' back, I never got really involved with these kinda things and never did bothered with it. "Perhaps you can get some money back, did you know that?" said Paula. I was aware of that, but I thought that it couldn't be much. I found it to much work in the past, and I still feel the same way.

Paula called a guy he knew, and that guy can find out if you get taxes back. This guy searches for people who aren't able to do there own taxes anymore, think of older people or people who are homeless and want to build up there lives again, Humanitas. Paula thought that I could get some money back from 'Gak,' the company who gives me my monthly income. The tax guy told over the phone that he will work on this and see what he can find out if I get tax back, there's a pretty good chance, he told me. Happy days are ahead! This day was a nice day, the residents were nice to each other and made jokes, it was a nice atmosphere. Later in the afternoon there was the free dinner at the church, I went with Johannus and his Family. 

We had marcaroni, it was delicious and I was stuffed, I couldn't eat the whole plate. After the dinner I wanted to relax and have some time for myself, first I went with Johannus to his room and his 2 kids for a little talk. When I wanted to go to my room Ricardo wanted to go with me, and I told him only for a half hour, it was okay with him. I took his arm and I told him, "Hey look at me, only a half hour okay? promise?  He replied with a firm okay! hehe, I felt that I did my duty, and he left after 30 minutes. Good boy!

"Pleasure in your job means perfection in your work."

"Pleasure in your job means perfection in your work."

If you work on something and you do it more often, your getting handy in it. I never thought working with wood would be that fun for  a guy with a metal-background. I have a few diplomas for welding, and I worked in four metal/steel factory's, now I'm having fun with wood. Today I made again a child's table and two baby chairs, and it went faster then usual. In the afternoon I had a easy/boring job, I had to saw planks into little pieces, actually the planks were three meters long and I had to saw the plank into little pieces of thirty centimeter. Don't worry it all has been done with a electric saw! But still it was a tough job, the little pieces will be used in another factory.

Today was the day I had to make a desicion about 'the job' they offered me last Thursday, my project leader offered me a job in a steel factory, I had to devide steel. I won't get paid cause it's a internship job (I hope Google translate has it right) The job is a thirty minute bike ride from where I live, that's a bummer and a minus point. The project leader called me today at work and she asked me if the offered job was a yes or a no. I thought about it this morning one more time and I told myself it's a 'no,' the project leader asked me why and what's the reason. I told her that the distance will take to much energy out of me, and I don't think I see a future in this job. I won't get paid aswell, I didn't like to refuse the job offer...

...but I had too. I don't see myself biking three or four half days towards Rijssen. (the city where the job is) It's a internship job, but how long will that take before they take me for good? And do I want to work there for good? To many questions were in my head about this job, and no, I don't want to work there for good. I would prolly have to live there, and I don't want that. There must be something better for me, a better job, I'm sure. My project leader didn't mind the refuse, but I didn't like to say no, but she reminded me to work aswell on myself, think twice before you refuse, the jobs are not growing on tree's here. In the past when I was jobless I refused to many times a job, and I don't want that anymore. Now it's the perfect time for a new job, new goals, a new house, and a new job, perfect! Note to myself: think twice or more oftenwhen they offer you a job, GO for it!!

Funniest little thing today when I got home from work, I came back from work and Ricardo wasn't there, prolly went out with his Mom and Dad. I sneaked out to my room fast (you lil' devil, LOL!) But he found me, just before I wanted to make myself dinner. He knocked on the door and I knew right away it was him, he has a certain knock. "I was just about to make dinner little man," I told him. He bombard me with questions after he first hugged me, "Maybe you can eat with my Mom and Dad, so that your not eating alone, shall I ask?" I told him that I was okay. "I can eat with you, so your not alone? shall I ask my Mom?" That's okay I told him. He went on and on, he asked me how long does it take for you to make dinner, and when are you done, and on and on and on.....

In the end Ricardo run to his Mom while I was prepairing dinner in the big kitchen, he came back with a plate with food and was ready to eat with me. But I wasn't done yet, the potatoes and steak were still cooking and baking. I told him to wait till I'm done with my dinner so we can eat together, I warmed later his food in the microwave. After our dinner Ricardo went a bit naughty spraying with his juice towards another guy and we both told him to stop, but he laughed and refused. The crazy ten minutes of adhd began. Ugh, he was nasty, and I grabbed him gently by his arm and took him upstairs to his Mom and Dad and told them what happend. His Mom took care of him, and wow! I never saw his Mom acting like this, she wasn't violent but did a good job I must say.

I sat with Ricardo's Mom and Dad for a while and Ricardo calmed down, while sitting there I saw a note on the wall! Now here comes the funny part, and a small lesson in parenting. On the note were smileys and some sad faces, with written on it, "I may not shout! If I'm naughty I must stand in the hallway for five minutes! ---> I may not go to Sjon if he wants to rest! <---  Hahaha, that's cute, I laughed when I saw my name, Ricardo is so attached to me it's almost insane. Perhaps that explained all the questions before dinner, he wanted to eat dinner with me! Johannus told me, your almost married to him, he always asks about you. I was touched but I know I have to keep my distance aswell sometimes, I'm not his Dad or parent. It's all good, I know what I'm doing.

Just before I went back to my room, I hugged and kissed Ricardo's  cheek and told him sorry for grabbing you on the arm,and explained him shortly why I did it and that he has to listen, just like his Mom said when he goes to me. "You have to listen to Sjon, do you hear?  Yes, Mom!"

"Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road."

"Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road."

It was a nice full working day with enough to do, two weeks ago our staff organized a big Spring-cleaning. Today was 'the day,' some residents were excited (me) and some residents were not.  We all gathered around at 9:15 am for the coffee break, the staff brought with them not only the coffee and tea but aswell all kind of cleaning materials. I heard already the usual complains from the usual residents, haha, but these people were enjoyning it the most in the end. We all laughed about it, this cleaning job was not only for cleaning, it was nice aswell to be with each other, and be working with each other.

What I didn't expect that it would be so clean, they all did a wonderfull job. I worked together with Nicole, she's a staff member, I never actually talked to her. We started all the way upstairs on the left side(third floor) and worked our way towards downstairs, hallway, stairs, windows, and toilets. Ricardo (7 year old Son from Johannus) insist he wanted to help me, I was prepaired. Sometimes he was naughty cause he wanted to sweep while I was already done. The cleaning mob was soken wet while he was sweeping, "I'm done!" he shouted while he walked with his dirty feet trough the just cleaned (still wet) floor. Sigh! Cutie kid!

Just after 12:30 pm we were all done, and the staff made sandwisches for everyone who helped out, there were drinks aswell. After the sandwisches I needed a well deserved nap, and I layed myself down. "Knock, knock," someone at the door, sigh, I just layed there for 15 minutes! It was Paula, (my counsilor) she told me she had to go to the store, and she asked me if I would come with her for a nice out. First I thought, "I need a nap," but, naah, I decided to go with her. I could use some time out, after all has been said and done yesterday, right? Last night I was tired too, and I really needed some rest then too, then Johannus and his girlfriend asked me to come with them to get some shoarma sandwisches, then too I told to myself, I could use some time out, and I went.

I need more time out and enjoy the little things around me, I did alot today and the little bit of shopping with Linda did me good aswell. Last time we went out she bought me an icecream, and this time it was my time to buy her one, she laughed and enjoyed it. We sat for a little while on the terrace and had a little chat. Paula needed plastic cups for a barbecue this comming Saturday, she needed aswell paint and rollers, cause there's a room in our building  what really needed to be cleaned and restored. The resident who lived there, was living on the street for more then 20 years, I guess it's normal he makes a mess. He lived on the second floor but moved now to the first floor, he's an old man and can't use his old legs not that much anymore.

It was a nice out with Paula, *couch*I wish *couch*she was *couch*single, LOL! Hey, I'm free, I can say such things, LOL! She's a nice girl and she helps me out, ofcource she does, it's her job, and the job fits her well I must say. After we were back it was really time for my nap, and so I took one.  Think I slept more then 30 minutes, it was enough for me. Pasta for dinner (Yum!) Again I sat outside while eating, just like yesterday. It was a bit colder, it looked like rain. After my dinner Ricardo came knocking at my door, (I think my door is the most knocked door ever) he wanted to go fishing cause his Dad promised him to and Ricardo wanted me to come. I didn't feel like it but I went, they promised me they wont belong. 


I was a nice little time out, but Ricardo had his 30 minutes of 'being naughty' again, WOOHOO!  What a disaster he can be when he's naughty, I'm sure he's not at the right place at the moment, this place is not good for him, even better, this place is not a good place for young children. Children need to be children and to be with children, and to act like children. It was a long day, but a good day, I enjoyed it. Tomorrow it will be a working day again, Reha is calling. Early to bed tonight, and early up!

A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded

"A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded."

Another hot day, I think it's even warmer then yesterday. I love it though, there will be no complaining from my side about this sunny weather. Sunday today, meaning family day, most of our residents are going to there Mom's or Grandmam's. Mother's day today aswell! We never usually celebrated Mother's day in the past, sometimes we gave gifts but when I grew older it faded away. But Mother's day was a special day for my Mother, she could fill it in what ever she wanted or wanted to do.  I love you Mom, even in heaven! I will never forget you! 

Sunday is also a rest day, I didn't do much. I had a meeting with my counsiler Linda, and we both agreed that things are going well, two months ago we made a certain kinda schedule on a piece of paper, and on that paper we filled in what needed to be achieved in two months. And we achieved it! Hooray for me! Now we filled in a new paper with some new achievements, here are a few: 1) looking for houses, online or anywhere, making a plan what I all needed to live on myself.  2) My care allowance need to be payed back, every month 70 Euro, this will be starting in the end of May. 3) I might have a job this week, but I have to call my project-leader if it's all going trough. The problem is the distance and I would like to know if  the work is my kinda thing. I will ask for a meeting.

I'm ready, ready for my future, I suffered enough, I have to let things behind me now, but it's hard. It's hard to let go, sorry for this sad writting again, but I have to get trough this and I will, I'm sure about it. I'm done with suffering. (I know I should stay away from Saf and the kids and do not read all the things they do, and I know I should stop writing about her or her kids) This afternoon I red something again what hurted me, my bad, I should have stayed away from Cle's blog, and I will from today. Cle wrote about that Saf's new lover took much, much more time for her then I did in the last 2 years. Taddle, taddle, I'm so bad, but I just can't let it go! It hurts! It really does!

Appearantly I never had a good conversation with Cle, or got close to her. All this is true yes, but it was not that I didn't love her. I'm not a good communicater, I'm not always good in starting a conversation, I can be shy as a baby. I guess what was going on with Cle and me was that I think we both waited who would take the first step for a conversation, that's the way I see it in my eyes. I should have take the first step as a Stepdad ofcource, and I wish I would have take the first step. Cle prolly waited for me, to take the first step, and I was aware I should take much, much more time with her. She needed a Father, I was aware of that aswell. How many times I wanted just to be with her in difficult times, I just wasn't daring enough to take that step, it just didn't happen, I wonder why. I had good contact with Noor and Mar, why did it work with them?  

What made that so easy? I don't know, maybe they weren't afraid to step to me? I don't know. More outgoing? Maybe. I spent time with Noor and with Mar, long walks and talks with Noor and conversations and laughs with Mar, etc,etc. The contact with Ab and Tasn was easy, I spent loads of time with them, taking care of them, feed them, brought them to bed, parks, bike rides. I can knock myself on the head many times and say to myself "Your a fool, cause you didn't take the first step towards Cle. What Cle wrote about me in her blog hurted, but I guess it was my own fault, or not? I don't know and it doesn't matter now. 


I don't like to write about, "I should have done this," or "If I would have done that," that doesn't help me right now. It will only hurt me, I need to let it all go now and continue.I can't go back now and explain things to Cle, knowing that, that hurts. I can't heal it cause I'm here now, I wish I could! I have to let it go now, and I will. Otherwise I might get hurt more, that's why it is important to do the 'no contact,' I need to stop completely following them what I already did a bit but now the full 100%. It wont be easy, it feels like it's final now. I don't just want to let go and not let hear from me. Maybe I should just let them be for a while, to see how it goes. 


It's going to be alright, I'm sure, I achieved so far and I will achieve this too. Maybe it was just what I needed what happened today. I'm ready for the next step! 


P.s. I hope my mutual friends of Facebook stay with me, they helped me alot to get trough this, I did the most by myself but mostly I couldn't have done it without them, love you guys!! 

And Cle, I love you too, more then you think!