Two more days... Two more nights...

Two more days... Two more nights...


Today went fine, although I feel it's  coming closer, I feel nerves and have a kind of a sad feeling, it feels  heavy on my chest. These two and half years went by so fast, can you believe it? I have been two and a half year in Canada, Hellooo! I have been called Daddy many times, sang many (or tried to) songs whit karaoke, spend alot of time with the Family, I can go on forever and forever. It's been heavy tough the last two months, the break up was hard on me, sometimes I ask myself "Was it good to stay here after the break up?" Yes and no, it was tough for both of us that's for sure. I wanted to solve things in the beginning, wanted to proof something, wanted a good time until I had a place to stay, I wanted to much the last two months. 

I sure was a pain sometimes towards Saf, I never experienced a break up. I feel sorry for Saf, and for myself. It just wasn't easy, suffering a break up and in the mean time thinking and struggling to get money together for a flight and looking for a place to stay, and the many other things I had to deal with. Oh my, oh my!! There was some news from the couple where I will be staying with, they sent me their address, and they told me not to worry. Aswell my Aunt send me a message saying, not to worry, everything will be fine. I asked them for their phone number, it will come in handy when I'm at the train station in Holland.

The days started as usual, waking the kids up for school, and get them ready. Saf was awake but tired, Tam was up aswell, her daughter was sick, poor thing. The three of us talked a bit in the living room, it was comfy. Saf told me last night that she told Tasn (the 7 year old) about our break up. She took it well, and I was thinking she will burst out in tears or yells, "I don't want Daddy to leave!" Tasn asked her Mom that when Daddy is in Holland if we could use the webcams then on the computer? Saf answered, "Ofcource we can." Tasn even asked if Mommy and Daddy still can be good friends. Saf answered again, "Ofcource, and Daddy will come to Canada to visit us sometimes,  and we will go to Holland to visit Daddy. I'm gonna miss Tasn! I have taken photo's from her with me in my suitcase.


It was a day with many thoughts, and strangely enough I'm ready to go. Maybe the two last months was needed. I'm ready to go back to Holland, I'm tired, tired of argues, tired to be on my hood, tired of being carefull and screw up either way, tired of being in this situation, I can go on and on. I want to chill and do funny things instead of walking around with a broken heart, or thinking of everything what I have to arrange before the flight. I don't want bad feelings anymore I just want rest, and I'm sure Saf feels the same way too. I guess there will be a big sigh from both of us when I'm in the plane. I was afraid to be heart broken when I will be back in Holland but, I think it will go okay. All I want is to remain friends, close friends, cause two and a half years is sure not nothing. If I have that settled for the both of us and for the kids then I can go home with a big smile on my face. 

The day went on, and I needed a nap. I was able to, cause Tam and her daughter were resting, Saf is sleeping and Ab is downstairs after a hard cry, LOL! He wanted to go to Mommy but was not alowed, they had to calm him down with two persons, wow! After my nap I weigh my suitcases, cause their so heavy. I'm afraid that with the check in for the flight, they wont take my luggage. It was hard to do, I need to put some clothing in boxes, and ask Saf to ship them. Don't forget my WHOLE wardrobe is here in Canada. I putted some old clothing and clothing what I almost never wear in large boxes. Sigh, there still heavy, I will have to pay more money with the check in if there to heavy.


I'm nearly done with packing, I think Saturday evening I will pack the last things. I'm still hoping on one more 'karaoke' night with Saf and perhaps Tam, Saf is free tomorrow night.  Wow, just one more day and then I'm off. Sunday afternoon I will be heading off, together with Saf to the airport. Mar told me she's coming too, and that disappointed me, cause I would like to have a little time with Saf, just before I leave, I would like to talk openly instead of being on my hood what to say, if Mar is with us. I spoke to Saf about it this morning and she understood. Just before I leave I have a little present for her waiting until she comes back and a letter. Can you say sushi? Saf, Tam and Cle planned a nice dinner for this afternoon, there going out  to Goodwill and then eat sushi.


aswell,  I hope the Family does well after I'm gone, I really wish the best for them. They sure have a special place in my heart, even tough they can be a pain sometimes, LOL! But hey, I was sure a pain to sometimes! Were all human, and not robots, we have feelings and thoughts aswell, right? !


Memories!

There was that time that Cle wanted to make a huge banana shake. She loves to do such things, and is all excited. I was upstairs while she was prepairing the banana shake. 


Cle was done with her banana shake, but all of a sudden she yelled trough the kitchen, "EEEEEEWWWWYYY!" "THIS TASTE SALTY, WHO PUTTED SALT IN THE SUGAR POT!?" 


I could hear her clearly and blushed while I went downstairs. We get sometimes free sugar and salt in little bags, but it  never says on it , what is the sugar or what is the salt, you have to taste it. 


My bad, cause I thought the one bag was sugar and I dumped it in the sugarpot. Sigh!

Jimi Hendrix - Stockholm - The Wind Cries Mary (live 1967)

Tired....

Tired....


I'm so tired, it's been such a long weeks. This morning I sent the kids to school and afterwards kept an eye on Ab and Tam's daughter with half closed eyes, I needed a nap. Do I wish it was Sunday? This morning I wished for it yes, just to get it over with, I need rest lots of rest. I'm getting tired, tired of being in this situation, tired of the misunderstandings,  I would like to go home without bad feelings. Just with a smile on every one's face, saying, "We all had a great time, but it just didn't work out".


I shouted loud this morning at Ab cause he wasn't listening to what I said, and I said it already ten times, "Don't go into Tam's room." I should have take them downstairs and putted on a video for them or give them a snack. But instead of that I yelled. Ab cried afterwards and Saf got upset, no wonder! I felt bad but it was to late, Saf was upset, and then there is or was no discussion possible. She told me, "That's one thing I sure wont miss", and she walked away. End of story. No time for explanation, I didn't know what to think, ofcource I was wrong! I felt like a loser, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like to have argues, issues, or fights, specially not now just before I go home.


I thought to myself, "What shall I do? go for a walk? Hurt myself, (I sure felt like it) I just couldn't take no more, I had enough, I was full. I shouldn't have yelled at Ab, but it happened. I can be good with kids, that's one thing I know! I want to proof it! I decided to go for a walk, a long walk. I didn't want to stay in the house and feel bad about myself. I walked to the beach and beside the beach is a path, that path leads to Downtown Barrie. It was a long walk but I didn't care, I just walked. "What a day again", I thought. What a difference with yesterday. I wish I could turn back the clock for five hours....


While walking beside the lake I felt like crying.  I wish I had a little notebookwith me, to write down my thoughts. They seem so clear, and they make sense. I don't like failing, or making people upset. Do you know that feeling when your trying something and you give it a 100 % but you keep on messing it up? And then you fall hard on your knees, but you get up and try again, and again, and again, without giving up. It is time to go home, I just can't handle a large Family, nine people is perhaps to much for me. I really tried so hard, because I love Saf!! and I love her kids!! That's why I longfor a nice goodbye, cause two and a half year is not nothing!


The walk was good! I bought a few things what I needed, had a coffee and walked to the house again. I took my time while walking, cause there was no rush. I realized the last few months that I'm not myself anymore, there's a huge difference between me two years ago and now. I think it's best to look back at good memories and forget the bad things... I think I mentioned it yesterday, I should write down some good memories. Cause it wasn't only argues and issues... We had fun aswell!


I will post one memory each day. Some funny,silly moments from the last 2 and a half year. Ready? I am!

The Matras.

There was that time when we moved to Barrie, that was a long day with lots of work. There was a matres that had to be taken downstairs. Piece of cake,  but to many people were helping out.The matres was half way and Saf got stuck between the matres and the wall. She couldn't go left or right, and I was standing there with Cle and Dako upstairs. Saf tried to turn on one leg and make a half pirouette, LOL!

She almost did it and she wanted to walk over the matres upstairs. The matres started to slide downstairs and there went Saf. Her legs were going 90 degrees, a split!! She made a split! We all started laughing including Saf! Were all shout it out loud, You made a split". Then I yelled I didn't know you could do that"! We all burst out in laughing, hilarious!

Please one more time karaoke....

Please one more time Karaoke....

Yes! one more karaoke before I return, cause they don't do karaoke in Holland, I mean, not that I know of. "Ofcource they sing in Holland," said Saf. "Yeah, in the shower or in the bathtub," I replied. Maybe there is karaoke in Holland but I'm sure it won't be the same as in Barrie or Mississauga. Saf and I build a huge friends list while singing karaoke. We had a great time, and it all started in a small bar somewhere in Mississauga, we liked it and it became a weekly routine, we ended almost up going three or four times a week. Karaoke was our thing, and our going out. It wasn't really a 'us' moment but somehow it was, just a little time away from the kids, even though we took sometimes Cle with us. Was I good? naah, but it was fun. Was Saf good? Yes, she was, she even joined a few competitions.

On with the day, this day was good. I'm ready for the return, I mean mentally, cause I still need a few things to settle. Although I'm slightly ready, it will be hard to say goodbye. I want a proper goodbye, not a goodbye like, "Okay, thanks for all, and bye", not like that. Two and a half year I was here, and that's not nothing. It was a nice time and a huge experience. Good memories aswell, I should write a few down. Will do it tomorrow.

It was the daily routine again, waking up and getting up, waking up the kids, going downstairs, wake up Saf, (she's cute when she sleeps) take the kids lunches out of the fridge, clean socks for Tasn, getting the jackets, scarfs, mittens and hats ready. All went well and the kids went easily to the school bus. Saf was sleeping and Ab woke up a bit later and went to her. A nice and easy morning. I was tired though, and went for a little nap, not long. Today we will book the flight for my return, but first to the bank. Saf woke up, had lunch, and we went off to the bank. Slightly nerves I opened the door of the BMO bank and shuffeled my bankcard in the machine. After the sound of flipping dollars bills a smile came on my face, BMO was a succes!

After that to another (money) store and then to "Pizza, Pizza." Funny moment was that Saf payed five dollar for two big slices. I bought one and I had to pay three dollar something, seems not so fair right? Saf was surprised too, and complained by the pizza store owner. When you buy two big slices for five dollar, you would expect that one big slice will cost you 2,50. The seller explained us that If you buy two big slices your cheaper out then when you buy one big slice. "He should have told that," said Saf. But he didn't or he forgot.

After a delicious dinner it was time to book the flight together with Saf. My plan was to go on Monday or Tuesday, (sigh the days go so fast) but Sunday it became. I was quiet nervous with the booking, because I wanted to get it over with. It will be a relief, I just don't like to do things at the last moment. I still need to do a few things more before Sunday, and then it's a deep sigh! And chill, and maybe a goodbye party. (fingers crossed until Saturday) While booking the flight, I felt a dark cloud above me, I felt that Saf the same felt as me, "Lets get it over with." she said. The booking went pretty fast. And after the booking she gave me a hug. I felt a bit like crying while booking but when we hugged... not really.

Looking back at the last 34 days, I feel good, and I'm glad I spent Christmas here. Although Saf was sometimes a bit cold towards me, (perhaps afraid to encourage for hope for our relationship) She helped me out where she could. But I wish she would show a bit more warmness towards me the last few weeks, that would have done me good, just a hug or an arm around me, saying "You'll be fine!" It sure wouldn't have stop me from going back to Holland. Like I said I'm ready to go, I didn't need to be pushed like Saf sometimes said. 

I'm sure she has her good reason for keeping her distance, and ofcource, we broke up, what do I expect? The goodbye will be tough. Maybe it's because, that men don't like to show emotions, LOL, I got a very tiny heart! Tomorrow it's Tam's birthday, she said she's turning 15, hmmm, Usually they turn the numbers around, but she can't be 51! It will be double, because I'm leaving on Sunday and would like to have a party before I go, and Tam want's a party aswell, cause it's her birthday. We will see what happens.

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy and wise...

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy and wise...


But not at 5:00 am in the morning, LOL! Tam's daughter woke up just after 5:00. I got up and went to her. Saf was still working her night shift, and Tam's went to work. I putted a movie on for her and after 10 minutes she came knocking on my door, telling me that the movie is over. I sat down with her and watched another movie. Just before 6 am Saf came back and I told her about Tam's daughter. "Bring her downstairs, if she's knocking on your door again" Saf replied.


I went back to bed when the daughter was downstairs. I think I slept till 6:30 and went on the computer. It was time to get the kids to school. I went downstairs and Saf was sleeping with Tam's daughter beside her. I putted some things for the kids ready and Saf woke up, and told me she brought donuts for the kids. She went to bed and told me that Mar is not feeling well and is not going to school. So, it was only Tasn who's going.


She was tired and felt several times asleep on the couch. At 8:00 I told her to get ready for school, but she was out of energy. Saf told me she can stay home then. Just before 8:30 Tasn was awake and was talking to Tam's daughter, I asked her, "I think you can go to school now, cause you seem awake and full of energy". "I don't know she said, I want to but I'm so tired". I gave her 20 minutes to get ready, but, it was no use. Ab the 3 year old woke up aswell and the crowd was complete. It's hard to keep kids quiet if they have to, everyone knows that. but they had to be quiet because Saf was sleeping.


I didn't want to raise my voice, I told them many times to be quiet, but nothing seemed to work. Suddenly Saf yelled from upstairs, "Quiet, I need my sleep." And she told Tasn to get ready cause she's ridding her to school. Did I fail now with keeping the kids quiet? Did I had to raise my voice? It didn't feel good about it. Saf came back from driving tTasn to school  and took the other kids to there room. Both watching a movie in sepered rooms, Ab with Saf. Problem solved. I felt like I failed, I should have done that. The kids just don't listen to me. I don't like shouting to kids, but what can you do when they don't listen to everything I say.

About raising kids, I'm sure I learned alot. What to do and what not to do, how to handle and how not to handle. Being a first time Daddy, was a great experience. My problem is that I'm to nice for kids, I hold myself in, and when they get me mad and I hold myself in to long, I might explode, or I just walk away. With saying "Deal with it, I'm going." It was a nice day, and I felt okay. I told Saf that I would like to book the flight today or tomorrow, she replied with, "Okay." Further I need some things to do before my flight, I need a small suitcase for in the plain, I would love to have some Dutch money on me, and I made the decision to ship my records and cd's.


Although I putted an add on Kijiji, for the records and cd's. The days are going fast and I'm quit okay with that, funny that I wasn't ready for it a month ago and now when the day comes nearer that I have to go, I'm ready. I think it goes automatically, I have too, and then I go for it. I asked Saf for one more 'karaoke' night, one of Saf's friends wants to organize a 'goodbye karaoke party' in a karaoke bar in Mississauga. That bar was our first bar we went to for 'karaoke'. It would be so nice to go there, but Saf has to work untill Friday, I'm crossing my fingers for the weekend.


Today I was tired, I think I created a small routine for myself in the evening, LOL! After dinner I do the dishes and put them away, and after that I make the kids lunches for school, and before going to bed I tidy up. Today was a long day, I was up at 5:00 am, and had a little short nap. In the evening I had a little time with Tasn, she and Ab had a late nap, and they couldn't get to sleep. Ab was sent downstairs to Cle's and I took care of Tasn. Saf had a night shift. Around 10:45 I send Tasn to bed after watching cartoons. I promised her that I will stay with her until she sleeps.


But I fell asleep aswell on Ab's bed, and Tasn was in her own bed. I had a good sleep and Tasn wasn't feeling. It was all good. I had mixed feelings today, sometimes I think to myself, "If I would stay here in this house, could I handle it?" The answer is, "Yes, but I need to get out of the house more and be not to much on Saf's lip." A job is what I need then, and stop complaining. But to be honest, being totally in love with Saf, won't make it easy. Safaswell. She was in love with me big time, woot! I wouldn't dare to ask it her again, when she told me she loved me the first time.I could definitely tell she loved me, in her behaviour and all of her actions, oh yeah! Now I wasn't mistaken.


I was the happiest man alive, and I was glad that I could help her and the kids out with there problems. Cause once when I knew where they came from, and what they have been trough, plus the love and attention Saf gave me, I knew it, I'm coming to Canada!  Did I knew back then that this would be a huge step? no! And that it would be hectic and overwhelming? no!  I just went for it. Yes! I thought about it, but once I knew we were both in love, there was no stopping, again, love makes blind.

It's time to man up and focus on Holland!

It's time to man up and focus on Holland!


But it's not easy, I got to stop whining and feeling bad, it doesn't change the situation, it makes it only worse! I will slowly try this, and I think that is what the Family wants from me aswell. If I walk around with a sad or mad face they will think to them selves, "Yeah, help yourself, we are moving on." I feel slightly a challenge going back to Holland, but it will be tough! I talked to Saf a bit today about my plan to go back to Holland on Sunday or Monday, and she said "Okay," (I think) I was nerves that she wouldn't accept it with me going on a Sunday or Monday. 

Her Daughter is coming this Friday, and Saf wanted me 'out' before she comes. She is now here to spend the weekend. So, I think when I go on Sunday, it will be alright. Cause she is here now too and I'm still sleeping in my room, a few days more or less will be okay. I'm going and that's what Saf wants, we both need to move on. Today was good, (Gotta stay positive! LOL), Saf was friendly and that was a surprise, cause last night Saf wanted cerely but the celery was frozen. My bad,  cause I putted the cerely in the wrong fridge. 

Saf came back from her night shift, and I offered to help out to get the kids to school. It was only the 13 year old and Tammy's daughter, the other kids are still in Hamilton at there Dad's. Piece of cake, and I told Saf to go to bed. After they got off to the school bus, I putted my coat and snow boots on, and decided to go for a walk. I went to the local supermarket, to buy some cerely! I wanted to suprice Saf with new fresh cerely. I bought two actually, and a Reese chocolate bar, her favorite. Why am I doing this? cause I felt bad about last night, I screwed up and I bought this for her. 

When I got back I hanged the bag of cerely at her door, but (damn) she woke up. She told me half awake "What are you doing, what is in the bag?" She looked at me like I was doing something silly. I went off and she went back to sleep, I don't even think she saw the bag, she was half asleep. Saf woke up later, and was happy with the cerely, she thanked me, and went downstairs. Today the three and seven year old come back from there dad's, Ab and Tasn. We did a bit of cleaning and had a nice dinner afterwards. The kids came back after dinner, around 7:00, and the 15 year old (Noor) and her girlfriend went back to Hamilton. 

It was good to see Tasn, the seven year old again, it's been a while. Ab, the three year old was tired and grumpy. It was a long ride for both of them. I missed Tasn, I really hope I get alot of time with her the last six or seven days. Tonight was a bit hectic with the kids, cause they probably had a sleep in the car while driving to Barrie. They were awake and not ready to sleep, and Saf needed to go to work. I offered to help and told Saf, "I will keep an eye on them untill Cle comes back. (she was out) Saf replied, "Okay." I told Saf, "When Cle comes back I will take care of Tasn and then Ab can go downstairs with Cleo. 

When Cle came back she took them both downstairs for there sleep. Sigh! I looked so forward to put Tasn to sleep, I haven't seen the sweetheart for four days.But oh well, tomorrow perhaps another day.

"Horoscopes."

Here is your Today's Aquarius Horoscope:

All the good work you've been doing hasn't gone unnoticed. You'll find that out soon. In the meantime, keep on plugging. The worst that can happen is that you'll overindulge this weekend. Imagine that -- you, doing such a thing?

No not really, anyway, on with this day. 32 days already after our break up, I think it's time to go back, back to Holland. Am I ready? Yes and no, I would like to have a few days before I actually leave. I think ít's called prepairing yourself. I think next week on this time I will be flying. Almost sure. How do I feel at the moment? well, a bit better then yesterday, yesterday was a bad day. It's still though and hard suffering with a break up and I'm longing for some love. This week I will prepair myself, I would love a nice goodbye, not a goodbye like, "Well, thanks for all, and bye then." Someone had a little karaoke party for me in mind, I hope that goes trough. 

It's almost unbelievable how many friends Saf and I made here in Canada. The people are extreme nice here and friendly, what a difference with Holland. In Holland there not that open. I learned alot here. I had a good sleep and woke up at 9:00, I made myself breakfast and took it upstairs. Went on the computer and checked my mails.  A surprising email from the guy who had a place for me in my hometown, (woot) I had not heard from him for a few weeks, I almost gave up on him. He told in his mail, that he still hasn't moved from his ex, that will happen in February hopefully. I told him I found a couple somewhere else but....

...I asked him to keep me informed. I would like to have more options to stay with someone, my hometown is closer to me and I know what's going on there. I have so much to arrange when I go back. Maybe it's a good thing aswell, cause it will keep my mind of Saf and the kids for a while, but I will sure not forget them, they have a place in my heart! My plan was today to do some stuff and not just sit around and feel or think bad. After my Lunch I went for a long walk to the beach, the weather was nice, cold but sunny. It was a long walk and I was tired afterwards. When I came home Saf was up aswell, she was busy with hanging some racks. 

Cleo had some friends over and were laughing and dancing. Saf talked to me and asked for some help. All was good. Although it's all good, I still have that love/hate feeling towards Saf, I'm sure that will vanish soon. I need to be positive, and move on. A friend on Facebook commented on one of my statuses, she said "Onward and upward". First I didn't know what it meant but after asking her I knew. It means, move forward in life and to a higher/better place. Sounds positive, right?  I will keep it in mind! I'm getting alot of nice messages, it's a nice feeling that they care. In time I will get through this and will be able to look back and appreciate the lessons I  have learned. 

It will make me  a better person with more to offer in another relationship when the time comes. It will be a long path, but I will walk it, step by step. The girls had planned a movie afternoon today, some girls are actually going to the movies and some are just going to watch a video. I took a shower and felt fresh and shiny. Did some dishes, and made myself dinner. One more thing, Celery does not go in the fridge, at least not in our fridge. We have two fridges, one in the kitchen and one in the garage. The fridge in the garage is double so cold, and yeah if you put celery in that fridge, the celery will freeze. Why am I telling this? cause I screwed up again, I putted the new just bought celery in that fridge, and Saf went mad. 

My bad! Sigh! I feel bad! will I ever learn. I will make it up with her tomorrow...

Godley and Creme - Cry

"If you realized how powerfull your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought"

"If you realized how powerfull your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought"


It was a long night, I went to bed around 2:30 and the others a bit later. It was all good, cause the kids were in Hamilton. Only Tammy's Daughter was here but okay, she's fine, Mom was there when she needed her. It worries me still to go back to Holland, facing my Dad again, and my Aunt and Uncle. I hope I don't get a speech, with them saying, "See, you should have listen to us, what were you thinking of going to Canada and leave your Dad behind." Sigh!


I need to prepair myself of going back there, and I'm already feeling bad and sad about the break up, and it will be surely tough starting all over again. Where do I even start? Thinking of all that makes me want to stay in Canada, but it slightly feels aswell as a challenge to go back. A challenge to start over and proof people that I can do it. Although it seems impossible, still it's far, far away in my thoughts.


I woke up at 7:30, turned around and slept again, LOL, there was no reason to get up. Around 9:00 I woke up again and then got up. First checking my mail on the computer. There was not much to check, only a few You Tube mails. I made some breakfast quietly cause I didn't wanna wake up the other people, or Tammy's Daughter, I didn't feel like taking care of her now,I'm not in the mood. I took my breakfast upstairs and spend some time on the computer. 

I had a bit the same feeling like last night, feeling unwanted, or not a part of the Family. The Family sure moves on, with laughter and there harmony is huge, even huger then it already was. It makes me think. I really got to stop thinking, thinking bad things. I would love to be a part of the Family again, I see a role for my self in this Family. Being a Father and a Husband, and a working man who is sometimes home and sometimes at work, and no more whining for attention towards Saf. Oh how I sometimes wish!


It annoys me to see them like that. It's hard, but I can't blame them, were all moving along, right? Around 10:00 Tammy's daughter knocked on my door and asked for food. I told her that she has to ask her Mother for that, she went to her Mom (who was sleeping) and she came back in 10 seconds. "My Mom said yes,", sigh! "Okay, okay," I thought and took her downstairs and made her breakfast. She watched some TV, and I went in the basement to get my laptop. (one of the girls left it there, as always)


After an hour the little girl went upstairs to get a blanket, after 10 minutes she still wasn't back and I went upstairs to my room for a nap, it was needed, I wasn't in the mood for anything. I woke up by the sound of laughter and loud voices, the girls woke up. This was just NOT my day, so different  then a few days ago. I just feel bad, the thoughts are running trough my head, "Saf doesn't want me anymore, she throws me out, the family is complete now without me, I can go, just like that". There are all bad thoughts.


I heard from downstairs, that there going out for a little while. There going to the laundry mat or something, Tammy, Saf and Cleo. Sigh,what a day. Ofcource they going to have fun, and laughter, I'm longing for laughter too. It was time for dinner, and Cleo's friend and I prepaired some pasta and meat. It went okay, you know... having things to do makes you think of other things. I should do that more often, do things, instead of thinking all day.


Saf, Cleo, and Tammy came back with some grocery and lots off other stuff. Sometimes I think, "Where do they do it all from? Did they won a lottery or something?" I shouldn't be mentioning  what one of the reason was that Saf broke up with me. But doing it anyway, one thing she told me was, "I can't afford you anymore."Now take a look at the first line of this alinea, it makes me just think. (I'm sorry) I know a big Family needs big grocery and stuff, but why do I have to go? Am I really that expensive? Please let this day end!


I felt a bit better after dinner. It so much better to think positive, but that's an easy saying, right? I just had a bit of a meltdown today, and that's very normal. It was time for Saf's night shift, she looks good, and she is happy she lost some weight, I'm happy for her. She asked me about my Aunt before she went to work, I told her, "No message yet, soon they will message me." I drunk a beer after she went. and went to bed early, I was tired.

"One can go a long way after one is tired"

"One can go a long way after one is tired"

Tired, tired and tired, everyone was tired and sleeping. It was time to get the kids ready for school. I stood up and woke up Saf and Tasn her 7 year old daughter, then I went quietly downstairs. There was alot to do in the kitchen but I took it easy. I need more sleep. After fifteen minutes I woke up Saf again, and told her "It's 7:45, it's time for the kids to get up." Saf told them and after five minutes the kids came downstairs. Cleo was already up cause she needs a ride to her babysitting job, Mom is riding her. I felt okay but I was nervous about the money what I still need for the flight. I didn't check my mail yet, maybe I'm to nervous to look. I made the kids lunch and putted the Tasn in clothing. coat, gloves, boots and snow pants ready. And off they went.

Saf went off too with Cleo. I stayed alone for a little while with Ab, Saf's 3 year old plus Tammy's 4 year old. I was brave enough to open up my laptop and checked my mail. Nothing, only the couple where I'm staying sent me a mail, asking me If I didn't send my photo's yet. I did, I answered them back, and they apologized cause they weren't so good with computers. I sent a mail aswell to my Aunt cause time was running. I need money,  although I'm horrible in asking money, I must. They sent me a mail back and they said "We are going to your Dad tomorrow, cause he needs grocery aswell, you will get a mail from us about the money".  Sigh! Nerves, LOL. My Aunt warned me not to come this weekend, cause they can't then. LOL, I thought, 

If I book a flight now right away, I still need to wait three or four days, it's not going that fast. My Aunt's plan is to pick me up from the train station, and drive to my Dad first to say hello.(yikes!) And then drive to the couple where I'm  staying. Thinking of 'that' gives me the creeps, it feels that everything is going so fast now, so you are here with Saf and the kids and then suddenly your at your Dads place. I know I'm not so well with my dad at the moment. My Dad wasn't that happy when I left, he rather saw me staying in Holland. Although he liked when Saf and Ab came to Holland. He was happy when we visited him and sad when we left, specially after when we left for good, that was the last time I saw him. That was October 2009. 

When we got back in Canada, I promised him a few times that we will be back for a visit. But money problems screwed it up. My Dad never understood internet. Emails were hard to read for him, he just wanted to see me and speak to me, and not trough a computer or postcards. I will be dead nervous to see him again, if I could avoid it,I would, I'm not ready yet. Silly me.

Saf came back and went for a nap, she took Ab with her. Everyone was asleep and I needed sleep aswell. But I didn't cause the 3 year old was already up again. Oh well, maybe later.Writing on my blog kept me long on the computer. Saf woke up and had plans to go to Goodwill and took one of the girls with her, cause she had something to pick up somewhere. 

Just before the kids came from School Saf came back. It was a long day for her, driving and arranging things. Saf was getting the kids ready for a long drive to Hamilton, the kids are going to there Dad's place. Mar the 13 year old was going to a party and promised me to come back around 10:30. Saf just left with the kids. When she returns from Hamilton Noor her 15 year old Daughter will be with her. For how long, I don't know. I made a easy dinner with Tammy's Daughter, pasta with some veggies and cheese. She ate the whole bowl, and as dessert we had banana pudding. Actually Saf and I were planning today that we wanted to go to a record store in Barrie, they are interested and want to have a look at my cd's and records. But Saf and I cancelled it cause it was a busy day for her. Maybe tomorrow. 

I had to chancel aswell my staying place at Sharon's friend, cause Saf and I decided differently, you know. Saf's friend wasn't so happy cause she arranged some things for my staying. I explained to her why I made this decision. I got to think of myself aswell, what's best for me, I apologized to her. We both had a nice talk. Saf's friend didn't like Saf's behaviour towards me after our break up, and she talked to Saf about it a few days ago. I didn't like that so much but the conversation had already happened. She told Saf that I came from a quiet and solitude environment, and came into a chaotic house and got into fatherhood instantly, and that if I had a melt down every now and then, so be it. She told her "I would have gone nuts." I understood and agree with every word she said.

And she's right but, this is now, and I need to stay positive, Saf is nice at the moment and I'm happy with that. She helps out, and I do everything I can. That's good for me. Funny thing Saf's friend said was, "I don't want your last days here to be sad and unhappy, lets go out with a celebration, next Thursday we will have a 'going away party' for you here in Mississauga". I'm up for it! Saf came home and sat with the other girls, she pored some wine for us and watched later Austin powers with Tammy and Cleo. I went upstairs with my wine and cheese, and finished this post. When she sat with the girls I missed her, she looks so beautifull

"We never know the worth of water 'til the well is dry".

"We never know the worth of water 'til the well is dry".


Feeling empty and sad, the days are going so fast, soon I will be returning home. Imagining this makes me worried, and sad. I don't like goodbyes, at the moment I don't even want to leave, but I have too. I hope Holland has something good for me in store. Last night at 3:00 am, the Ab woke me up, he screamed and cried for his Mom, I putted some clothing on and went to him. He was in Mom's room, Mom was working. Mar the 13 year old was there aswell, half asleep. 

She complained that she couldn't sleep cause of the crying of the 3 year old. She suppose to look after the 3 year old but okay. I decided to take him downstairs to Cleo, cause he wouldn't stop crying. He loves sleeping with Cleo. Everything was good again while I putted him there next to her, then I returned back to bed. I get sometimes  nice messages on Facebook, sweet messages with tips and advices. I think I'm gonna write some of them down here in this post....


"You have many friends, but there truly never gone, they will be with you for the rest of your life."


"Some things are just not destined to be forever, and that is hard to accept."


"It is a hard road you are going to be walking along - but remember the positive - how many men never have the joy of hearing kids call them daddy - and if it is meant to be that you live in Canada - then it will all work out."


"The feelings you are having are quite normal - you made many changes in your life and right now I am sure you feel that you have been taken advantage of - I would if it were me - but I am sure that is not the case. Your feelings will continue to roller coaster until you have some time and with that time will come perspective.


"Never lose sight of all that you have gained - you had the opportunity to be be a daddy to some kids who really needed a positive role model. You will forever be in their hearts. And you have had the opportunity to live in 'paradise."


Saf's friend came along to pick up her up  for a hospital visit. The friend's grandma is laying in the hospital. Saf's friend  asked me about the re-locating message I wrote on Facebook. She commented on my status and was surprised I was going to re-locate.  She was confused if I was going home or not. I told her that I was going home and explained a few things about my returning.


It surprised me that she talked about it so open. She talked aswell about her Husband, how 'he' stayed home and watched the kids for years, while she was working. It made me think, cause, was I not the one who stayed home aswell and watched the kids while Saf was working? I thought "Why can't I keep doing  that." I know that that's not an option cause there was more going on with us, and Saf has five kids and her friend has two. It just made me think.


The day went on and the day was friendly. Usually I wake up wit a sad and empty feeling, when I wake up in the morning and turn on the light I sometimes say to myself  "No, it's not a dream, I'm really going back". The people where I'm going to stay in Holland asked for some information from my side, they asked me if I had 'Hyves', (that's a site like Facebook but then in Dutch.) I said "No, but I can send you some pictures from myself". And so I did.


I went later today for a walk, to the BMO bank to see if I had some money, I had to get out of the house to get some air. Although people are being friendly I just needed some air. It was a long walk and I was tired. The bank didn't gave money. I went on with my walk returning home. Saf was going to McDonald's with the kids when I arrived, and I stayed home and took a shower.


I had a few nice talks with Saf today. One of the talks involved me staying with Saf's friend (That is my plan, before Saf's daughter comes back) Saf didn't like it that much me staying at her friends house. I interrupted her, and said "What I really wish for is, that you take me to the airport instead me taking a taxi from your friends house and the taxi drives me to the airport, that would be a nicer goodbye." Saf agreed.


Saf replied and said "But, I don't want you to delay things, like when it's April and your still here, and you have excuses." I said, "No! that's sure not my plan, I want to go home and I need to go home, right? I can't stay here cause we are over and I'm illegal here." Although I sounded rough the way we talked felt comfy, and the feeling that she helps me out does me good. The evening came and everyone did there thing, I have plans to look trough my clothing and see what can go. My suitcases are full! and some clothing has to go, Goodwill is a good option.


Before going to bed Saf offered me a beer. It was a nice evening with here and there some jokes. I know it's over between Saf and me, and we both need to move on. Keeping in touch and remain friends is my goal.

Your daily Horoscope...

Your daily Horoscope

Tension may build today if you aren't careful about how you use your words, Aquarius. Remember that forces are trying to push you one way and pull you another. You may encourage a focus on the collective while others seem too worried about themselves. Yet another force is calling for outdated remedies and traditional structures that no longer suit your purposes. Blaze your own trail.

Interesting Horoscope today, I was on my hood and spoke every word carefully LOL. naah! just was on my hood. I woke up like usually and looked who was awake. (kids needed to go to school) Saf was up and awake! woot! Cleo was up aswell and Tammy came a bit later. So there was not that much to do.

I made the kids lunches last night. I made myself breakfast and helped out where I could. Saf drove Cleo to her babysitting job and came back later with two bags of grocery. She must be tired. "First some breakfast and then sleep" she said. The three year old went with her.

After my breakfast I putted the dishes in dish soap, and went upstairs on my computer. I confirmed with a place to stay in Holland, yay! There a nice couple living in Almelo (that's 20 minutes from my town) There both in there 40's and they seem nice. I asked them when I can come,cause I still don't have a date when I arrive. "you can come whenever your able too" they said.

That's a tiny little relief from my heart. So many things still to arrange though. (sigh) But I'm taking it step by step, I'm trying not to worry here. My next step is to get money for the flight and book it. I think I will be gone here within 2 or 3 weeks, or maybe even sooner, sigh!! It's still unreal, I asked my Aunt if they could ask my Dad again for money, it's so hard to ask but I'm in need! I made a deal aswell with Saf.


She wants to buy my computer and my antique chair. The deal is, Saf will ship some stuff for me to Holland and then she get the computer for free. Sounds like a deal to me. I got 2 bikes, 5 crates of lp's and boxes full of singles, cd's and dvd's, and some garden tools. That's a lot less then I had to ship from Holland to Canada.


Saf was nice today,she even showed me a site with cheap flights to Holland. "It's better to search for round trips, these are alot cheaper" she said. We looked both for some flights. "As soon as I get the money, hopefully in a few days, I want to book the  flight with you" I said. "cause your better in it then me". It was time for dinner and we, (Saf and I) were eating with the kids. It was cozy and comfy. I like it this way, I think it will make it easier on us for both.


I noticed something today, I think Saf is thinking that I talk alot with her friends on Facebook, to make her feel bad or for me to win souls, but I'm not. Yes, I talk to  a few of them, but they come to me first , and ofcource I'm tempted to talk about the things what's going on, I have non one to talk to in the house, but I'm trying  hold myself in. I don't wanna ruin my friends or her friends. Things can be so sensitive to say sometimes.


After dinner I did some dishes and Saf did some other stuff, she even petted my back for a while when I made a little joke, I was surprised and I thought "Huh"? Saf was being friendly, and is showing she cares. I'm not complaining.


I had alot of emails from My Aunt today, explaining me why my Dad is ignorant to me. I asked my Aunt in the morning "Why is my Dad doing so ignorant, I wish he wasn't like that". My Aunt replied "How would you feel, if someone promises you that you come to visit and you don't show up." I replied and said "I know I promised my Dad that I would come over a few times, but I didn't had money for the flights, and Sharon needs her rent-money too"  I apologized a few times.

My Aunt will go to my Dad again to ask him what's going on and perhaps asking for the money I need.

Hopefully tomorrow!

"When I repress my emotion, my stomach keeps score"

"When I repress my emotion, my stomach keeps score"


We have a saying in Holland "Jan is crying, Jan is laughing". It means that someone can change his emotions so fast, one moment he/she is crying and before you know he/she is laughing again. I had that feeling a bit today. 7:20 am, just like yesterday I woke up to get the kids to school, or help out where I can. I went downstairs to see who's awake. I saw Saf on the couch with the laptop on and the TV. I thought "Is she sleeping or is she awake?" I snapped my fingers a few times softly but no response, meaning, she's asleep. I did my things what I planned to do and after 10 minutes Saf woke up and asked me if I can get the kids off to school. "Yeah.. sure" I replied.


I don't mind doing it, I makes me feel good, and knowing that 'they' have to do it when I'm gone,' makes me feel good aswell. Sounds a bit mean but okay. Tasn was hard to wake up, I had to go upstairs a few times. After being upstairs for the 4th time I said to her "If you don't get up now, I will just go to bed and you can help yourself". She came downstairs in 1 minute. She was tired you can tell, it's been a long and busy holiday. Mary got up aswell, and on time, but fell almost asleep just before 8:30. I had to wake her up and tell her "Hey, it's almost time for school". She forgot the time and complained about being tired. Long and busy holiday, sigh! Not good.


My plan is to go to Goodwill this morning. The kids are off to school and the rest of the crew is sleeping, I'm free to go. I need a suitcase and I'm not waiting for Saf to come with me, I asked her a few times, but she doesn't sound so interested, "We will do it later," she says, I can't wait for later. I took the bus from 9:30, and I didn't feel so well, thinking about my 'situation' didn't me make me feel better. When I think about it, I get mad, mad at Saf. How could she break up with me and say, "it's better for you to go home, I want you to move on without me." Does she even realize what she is putting me trough? I understand the break up, but I really hope she knows where I'm going trough now and all the things I have to do to go back to Holland. She might think it's easy, but it's not! 


When I went out of the bus I walked over to BMO, to check if I had gotten some money. Nothing! My mood sank deeper and deeper and my (mad) thoughts went worse, ugh! I had to move on, and went to Goodwill for the suitcase. The one I saw last week was still there, yay! I looked at it and looked at a few smaller suitcases. I needed one more small suitcase to take with me in the plane, but I had doubts of which one to choose. To small, to big, I didn't know. Saf knows such things, I'm gonna ask her when I get home. I payed for the big black one and walked to the bus stop, a 20 minute walk is to do with a large suitcase.


I got home and it was busy, everyone woke up. there was lots of talking and the little kids asked if I bought something for them. I said "No, not today". I wasn't in the mood to be in a busy crowd (I was still full of mad thoughts) I took my suitcase and went upstairs on the computer, looking for houses and rooms. I must say the last few days I'm doing good with searching for houses, I got 3 people who have something. there are 2 who still need to confirm and 1 is (hmm) confirmed. Waiting for people to confirm makes me nervous. I wanna get it over with, just, to have a place and book the flight and be gone! 

I know it will be hard and though and lots of miss you's, but like a friend told me yesterday "you need to get on it, there's no time to waste". It will be a huge different life when I go back to Holland. I won't miss the hectic here in the house but I will sure miss the kids and Saf. They were the perfect Family but it got a bit out of hand, a bit much! I had totally no experience in a hectic family, I was slowly getting used to it but I went to slow. I didn't talk much to Saf this morning. When I was upstairs packing my new suitcase, (just the clothes what I'm not using) Saf came upstairs aswell. I thought "shall I say something or not"? I was still grumpy at her in my mind. Then I told her "Hey, look at the suitcase I bought."

"Oh, nice, you went to goodwill this morning"? I said "Yes!" "Good for you", she replied. And she went on with what she was doing. I felt like a little kid getting a nice compliment. It didn't felt good. The day went on and I made some lunch at the kitchen table. The kitchen counters were busy, Tam was cooking and Saf helped out. I told her about the search for houses, "I have three places and all three still need to confirm, the waiting makes me nervous". 

Saf replied "They probably have work, don't worry about it". She was friendly and nice. SafSaf was putting the 7 year old in bath and cleaned her own room. We both were friendly and had a few jokes. It makes me feel good to get my mind of things so now and then. Perhaps it's better to think positive and be nice and friendly instead of  being  grumpy and ignorant. Even though I think she was wrong with breaking up with me, and telling me, "You have to go back to Holland."


After the dishes I went for a shower and had dinner with the kids and Saf. Tam's 4 year old Daughter was naughty and wasn't so nice in her sayings, and I could tell that Saf wasn't happy with that. She has a attitude sometimes. I didn't say much about it, I didn't want to get involved in that. Saf wants to talk with Tam about her Daughter's behaviour today, she told that aswell to the Daughter. (kids) It was a long day and I feel okay, I should worry less about the situation where I'm in now, and be more positive. Me being grumpy and feel bad doesn't change things. Like I said before "it is as it is." Make the best of it, and give it a 100(0) procent!


Time for bed!

Joy Division Atmosphere

"Our lives are never certain, not even for an hour".

"Our lives are never certain,not even for an hour".

The kids are going back to school, and it was early up again for most of us. I had a bit of a rough night but okay. The 7 year old couldn't get to sleep, she was watching movies in her room and it was already 11:30, I told her you really need to get some sleep cause you have school tomorrow. The 3 year old was sleeping downstairs with her older sister. Tasn asked me to sleep in Ab's bed so she won't be alone. She's mostly scared in the night and walks of to sleep with someone. I decided to  sleep with her, when she was still awake at 12:00. It took a while that we both fell asleep. I woke up around 1:30 am and I saw Tasn next to me snuggled in and was sleeping.


She's the girl I probably will miss the most after Saf. To cute and to adorable, I would have love to see her grow up further .We spend so much time together and seen so many parks, I learned her to ride her bike bit by bit. She's still a bit afraid but that will pass. I love her so much. Saf came back from work after 5 am and was dead tired, blame the long drive from yesterday to Hamilton. When I woke up I helped the kids with getting ready for school, Tam was there aswell and helped her Daughter. Saf went to bed again, to tired. Everything went well. The morning went fast and I was dead tired, I had a pressure on my chest and was almost sleeping behind the laptop.


Saf woke up cause she had plans to go out to pick up a dvd player and some grocery. Tam, Cle and  Ab  went with them. I was still tired and I needed a second nap. And so I did. Today I felt like I have to make decisions. I still haven't heard back from the guy who has a room for me, I'm thinking, if I don't hear from him this week I will move in for a little while with a friend of Saf. I might go this Saturday. Saf will drive me she said. She's in Mississauga, and offered me a place to stay. I know her from 'karaoke', Saf knows her too. When I'm there I can release my stress and move on with less pressure. Book a  flight when I have the money together, and I don't have to be out of the house before the 15th of January at her place. 

I know aswell that I can't stay that long but it gives me atleast a bit more time and it will be better for me to be out of the house. I'm slowly getting used to the idea that I'm out of the house probably this next weekend. It's getting so close now, and it will be a different goodbye,  cause Saf is bringing me to Mississauga. I slightly confirmed with Saf's friend where I'm gonna stay with for (I think) 2 months. She warned me friendly that I need a plan when I come over, a plan to move as soon as possible to Holland. And she told me I have to pay for my own stuff (food and other expenses) She's was friendly but doesn't have much money, that's why the paying for myself. 

I understood everything she said and I respect that. I will have to pay rent aswell ofcource. But nothing is confirmed yet with that guy who has a place for me in Holland, so I will just see what happens this week. I will sure do my best to get things started this week. I will pack and try to sell a few more of my items. Busy week. I asked Saf to come with me for the records that I'm selling, I need a ride to the record store and they will have a look at my records and they will tell me a price. Saf told me "we can go Thursday or Friday, then I have 2 days off" I said "Alright". Saf wasn't so happy because I slept with Tasn, she told me with a loud voice...

"look! If she wakes up (likes she always does) tell her to go to my room, I don't want you to sleep with her" I replied, "I didn't know she had to go to your room, or I just forgot". I didn't had time to explain myself clearer, cause she went on. "I told you so many times, that she has to go to my room then". I ignored her and let her be. Later on in the evening, I asked her "what do I do with Ab, if he wakes up". "Send him then to Cle" she replied. I apologized her for sleeping with Tasn, (we usually did this cause the 2 youngest always wake up in the middle of the night, and wants mommy or daddy. "I didn't like the way that you yelled at me" I told her. 

"But you don't seem to understand" she replied. "Yes, I do but last night it was 12:00 and she still was awake, "She wanted someone, so I offered her that I sleep with her," I said. "I'm sorry I yelled, but I just want her to learn that she sleeps by herself" Saf replied. I understood and I said, "Okay". Saf went to work and the kids were awake again, I decided to put them to sleep but after a half hour Ab was naughty, I sent him to Cle, and let the 7 year old watch a movie, she will fall asleep soon then. Tomorrow another day... goodnight..

"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes".

"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes".

I have slightly good news. A few days ago I putted an add on a Dutch selling site, asking for a place to stay in my hometown. And 1 guy responded on that add. He was short in his sentence, he told me "When are you coming to Holland"? And that was it. I thought it was someone who arranges rooms for students or other people who are looking for rooms. So, I told him my story, knowing he was someone who can be trusted.

 A few days later, he replied back and said only "keep me informed". I thought "Who is this guy"? I decided to ask him friendly who he was. He replied back with a story saying, he was divorced last November, and lived in Hellendoorn (that's 10 min. from my hometown) He wants to move by the end of  January to my Hometown. He told me I could stay for a few months at his place then. He told me about himself and he's a nice guy.

I will keep contact with the guy, and inform my Aunt about him. I told the news to Saf aswell and she was happy for me. She told me "you should ask the guy when he wants you, cause 15 January my Daughter comes back to live with us". I knew this already, but the so called 'deadline' makes me worried and sad. Saf is nice to me, but it feels like fake. I'm thinking "Saf wants me out before the 15th of January". I'm worried.

But let's not talk to fast, first I want to see what happens with my place to stay. I will do my best to go earlier, but I'm NOT gonna push myself just because she wants me out of that room before the 15th. I got to think of myself awell, the guy who's offering me a place to stay could be my last chance. If he refuses then I'm more further in deep trouble. I know that Saf's children come first for her, and I respect that, but she can't throw me out just like that when her Daughter comes.


So, many things to arrange. It feels like I have a deadline!


I made a plan. (1) This week I will try to confirm with the 'guy' who has a place for me. (2) I want to collect all my belongings and decide what to do with it. Perhaps sell some stuff and the rest ship it overseas. Saf was willing to do that.(3) Get cheap suitcases and start packing. (4) getting my money together and book a flight. Easy right? LOL!


Saf went for a ride to Hamilton to pick up the kids from her ex. Mar went with her. They had a nice afternoon and came back late. Saf did some grocery aswell and some shopping when she was on her way back. Tam was apparently happy to see Saf and went to her for a talk, and another talk, and another talk. It's getting annoying. But I shouldn't be bothered about it cause I'm going home, but I bother, Sigh! I just got to let them be, and I will!  I have other things on my mind.


Funny thing is, I know that Noor, Saf's 15 year old daughter is coming the 15th of January and then I have to go cause her room (the one I sleep now) has to be empty and ready for her. I'm worried about myself, but I'm also concerned  about Saf and her Daughter, concerned that I wont be out of there before the 15th for her Daughter. I should be more worried about me, worried about my own things. It's all so double.


One thing at the time please...

"Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right"

"Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right"


The house was quiet when I came downstairs. All asleep ofcource after New years night. I went on the computer and made me a bowl of Cheerios later. The two teenagers were going home today, one teenager left in the morning and the second one followed a few hours later. I guided them out and thanked them for last night. It was 'awesome'.


I had a little plan today. I'm going to clean up a little bit before Saf, Tam and Cle come back. The kitchen will be clean, and I'll do some sweeping here and there. I expected them back in the late afternoon like they told me, cause Saf has a night shift. I was almost done with cleaning and suddenly the front door opened, it was Cleo! They returned, and so early! It was 1:00 pm. (woot!)


They were good and jolly and I asked them if they had a good time, "It was good and we had fun," Saf replied. I asked Saf were they went last night, "Were not telling", said Saf, "we promised each other not to say a word, it's our little secret" I was surprised cause, I thought they went to karaoke, but I saw on the website last night (where the karaoke was), that there was not even a karaoke that night, that was later this day.


So I was curious this morning and last night where they went to. But there lips were sealed. Maybe they went to another karaoke gig. (There were two gigs in Toronto) I was asking to much, LOL. Saf asked me "Did you try to find me, or find out where we were?"  I said "No". Oh well, they had a good time and I had a good time, that's all that matters. (still a tiny bit curious though where they went, LOL)


The day went on and Cle had to go to work. (babysitting) Saf drove her and Tam decide to come for the drive. And off they went again. I didn't mind and went on with what I was doing. I decided to make myself dinner, cause I didn't had a proper dinner the last few days. Potatoes, carrots and 2 sausages. Everyone was doing there own stuff, so I did too. Making dinner.


Saf came back late, just before dinner, and I was upstairs behind the computer. Normally I would come downstairs, but naaah, they will be fine, I thought. It was a lazy day and everyone was doing things for themselves, and so did I.


After my dinner, I sat down and watched TV and after an hour I went to Tim Hortons for a 'candy cane hot chocolate', they are so good. That's one of the million things I will miss in Canada. I should make a list what I will miss from Canada when I'm back in Holland.


Early to bed, it was a lazy day.....

"A new year, a same goal." (long post)

"A new year, a same goal."

I stood up around 8:30am and had the idea to go to 'Goodwill' for some cheap suitcases, it was 50% off price today. Everyone was still sleeping, I made some breakfast and a little note for Saf that I'm  going out to Goodwill. I didn't feel so well, but I think that's normal when you suffer a break up, with all ups and downs. I miss her so now and then. Holding her hand, her touch, just being with her, the way it was in the beginning.

After I ated my breakfast people started to wake up and Tammy came from work. Tam, Saf and Cle have plans for tonight, they told me they have a 'girls night out' (probably karaoke) and they will be driving to Mississauga and stay over one night. I was disappointed and asked Saf if I could come, cause I wanted one more 'karaoke' night before I go back to Holland.

She refused and said, "I'm not taking you, we decided this already a few days ago". I was upset but understood that they wanted a 'girls night out'. I dealed with it. Today was also the day that we all go out together to the movies, were gonna see 'The little Fockers'. It will be fun.

It was time to go to Goodwill. On my way in the bus I had that feeling "why can't I come to karaoke", I just couldn't get over it. Damn, deal with it, maybe that's why I went out, to get my mind of things. I felt mad, sad, disappointed, I wished that this day will be over soon. I should be happy for her and the others, and I should be happy aswell, DEAL with it! The bus arrived and I took of to Goodwill. It was a long walk but it was worth it. I saw two nice suitcases for a good price. I was planning to buy them but they were to heavy to carry trough the snow all the way to the bus stop, and I didn't wanna damage them. I decided to let them be for now and pick them up later after the movies. And off I went to the bus stop heading home. It was good to be outside.


Saf was still sleeping when I arrived safely home. Soon she will be up cause it's almost time for the movie. And there she woke up after 10 minutes. I took a coffee and Saf went on my laptop. I told her about the suitcases, "We will pick them up after the movies" she said. We both had a little cozy talk, about our break up. It was a nice talk with no angry words, Saf told me something but I forgot the words. It was something like, "I liked you as a friend long before I loved you and I don't want to sacrifice that". Yeah, that was it. She said aswell,"You were in love with me big time" I replied, "Hmm..... okay.... you were too I noticed." We talked further and the issue 'financial support' came along. "Don't start with that, cause it will upset me again" said Saf. 

"I understand and I don't wanna upset you," I replied. Today I had some Facebook mails aswell, some were a bit hars but they were honest, and I got the message. They told me that the best option is to go back to Holland as soon as possible and start a new life, as hard as it sounds, they are right! Saf couldn't carry the responsibility anymore and my job or  our goal was that I'll be the one who brings in the money in the Family. Being  a Father and being a Husband, I said it a few times to myself while I was here the last two years, I even wrote it on a note "be the Father and be the Husband". The note gave me strength. Everything was new for me in Canada, I felt like a little kid who had to learn everything in a relationship sometimes. And I loved her big time! (maybe to much) 

I never met a girl like Saf who fell in love with me this big, and she was honest, I could tell! I was so carefull in the beginning of our 'clicking,' just that I was worried that she was just on of those 'fake'girls that I have met a few times. Everything went to fast and I lived in a dream. I never, never wanted to hurt her. I failed hard finding a job, it was so difficult to find a job without a Canadian ID. It was all cash jobs and that didn't bring in much money, but I had to start somewhere. I feel sorry, and I shouldn't have asked for 'financial' support, what was I thinking. like I said I'm totally new in these things. The break up was hard on me, and still is, I couldn't think straight, I took some advices from others but screwed up. 

I don't wanna fight or argue anymore but return to Holland with both of us a smile on our face, and tell each other "Hey we had a good time but it didn't work out" and then wish each other the best, and say "keep in touch"! It was time for us to go to the movies. Me, Saf, Mar and her 2 friends were going first, cause we all didn't fit in the car. I had this 'annoying' feeling over me. (I will explain later about this) I wasn't that in the mood, but I went. Saf  dropped us of at the mall and we walked down the cassiere to get tickets. Saf gave the money for all of us to buy tickets and I gave the kids snacks. (fair enough)


I was quiet while were taking our places in the theatre. After 15 min. Saf came with Tam, Cle, and her friend. We were sitting in the back and Saf 's crew were sitting in front of us. I was quiet and annoyed, I hate that feeling. The movie started and it was a good movie, the movie made me think aswell. I see likeness with the Fockers, LOL! Me as Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) and Tam as Kevin Rawley (Owen Wilson) and perhaps Grandma as Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro)

Owen Wilson plays the ex from Greg's wife. And he does everything better, overdoes it alot, and is always around where Greg's wife is. It makes me think of Tam. (my bad) Ofcource the movie overdoes it alot, but it just made me think.Tam is always around the family, everyone likes her. I like her too but sometimes I think she's sometimes to much around. It's one of the reason I faill in the things I want to do in the house or do things for to help out, you know, being the Father and the  Husband.

She does it always better LOL! She's smart and talks with no ending and comments and correct people so now and then. I know she means it good and does everything with love but, I think it's just to much I can handle. Sometimes I think what would have happend if she didn't came in our house. Would it have been better? Maybe it would, I don't know. I always think to myself, specially now, I could have done so much better, cause I know for sure I have it in me, but it's to late.

After the movie we dropped of the teenagers and then Saf, I and Tam went to Goodwill for the suitcases. and guess what! It was closed cause of New Years, it was after 5:00, bad luck! The ride went on and we drove to Mac's for some lottery tickets. Saf and Tam were so much joking around that it became annoying, and I had already that annoying feeling in me. I should have just laugh with them and make jokes aswell, but I just couldn't do it, I didn't had it in me, I was quiet. The thing what annoyed me is that Tam is so much around Saf lately. I shouldn't be bothered about that but, I don't know, it just bothers me, maybe now it feels double cause of the break up. I always wanted Saf to be happy. 

But I had it sometimes hard when someone was talking to her to much, it mattered though who she was talking to. I knew it was a wrong, and mostly it didn't bother me, but sometimes, aaarghh! I learned my lesson now! The time came that Saf, Tam and Cle were going out, it was 7:00 pm. Hair straighteners, perfume, make up, it was time to get ready. Me, Mar, and her 2 girlfriends, were planning to go out aswell. (let's call the 2 friends teenagers) The plan was to go 'Downtown', I was looking forward to it, I didn't feel like sitting in the house all night. Mar stayed home with another friend. Saf took off and we did too. We took the bus and it was free to go, yay! It was a pleasant ride and when we arrived we were searching for the party. 

But first to the beach, it was nice to watch the water in the dark and we saw some fireworks that suddenly went off. Then we went Downtown, cruisin the streets looking for the party, after cruisin for almost 30 minutes we heard loud music, and there it was! the party!

There was a  huge stage with a live band, and lots of people, and there was enough to do for us. I was happy and so were the teenagers. Half way trough the night I saw suddenly Tam and I thought "huh?" I looked around for Saf and Cle. They were there too, I asked them "What are you guys, doing here? I thought you guys were going to Mississaga". Saf told me they had dinner first at a sushi bar, and they will be heading of soon. 

"We came to have a look at you guys" replied Saf. I though there car broke down or there night out didn't go trough. Saf took off again and wished us a great night. We went on with our own things. It was a nice night with lots of music, autographs, and some food. After 12:00 there was again fireworks and then we decided to go home. The bus wasn't free this time. Our night was good just like we wanted. I knew that Saf was at karaoke and has a good time. But still I thought "I wish I was there", not because of Saf but just to have a nice night with friends and have Karaoke. Karaoke was till 2:00 am and when it was 2:00 am I was happy. Silly me! It was 3:30 am. A nice time to go to bed..