"Goodbye's and farewells?"

"Goodbye's and farewells?"

A nice day at work, we finally had some more people at work. Together with another guy I was working on a 'suppa duppa' wooden garden couch. That thing is enormous, I think the couch is called a corner couch (?) It has a three sitter on the one side and on the other side it has a two sitter, and it attatches each other. Lot's of work and lots of wood, we were half way and I think the couch is done upcomming Monday. Pictures? Yes, when it's done! Like I said yesterday two people will leaving tomorrow, actually four people. Johannus and his two kids, and Rene. Rene will be making a dinner tomorrow afternoon for all the residents, and Johannus? I guess he will be leaving sneaky trough the backdoor. 

No one is actually talking to him after his seperation with his ex-girlfriend, only I am. I take my hat of for Johannus, I could not live like that. I should have have a drink with him on his room tonight, (he invited me last week) but when I got back from work I saw Ricardo comming in the kitchen while I was talking to someone. He was all happy and hyper and was naughty. I don't really like seeing him that way, but okay. I told him if you aren't nice now I won't come tonight for a drink. "That's okay," Ricardo told me, "My Father's new girlfriend is still upstairs, so you can't come." I thought "Okay, then not." Not that nice from Ricardo, but aswell, I guess it's not right to sit with Johannus while his girlfriend is there according to Ricardo, right? Doubts. 

What can I do or what should I do? Go to johannus and invite myself? Naah, I will see him tomorrow, it's fine I guess. I sent him a message aswell trough an E-mail. I'm still thinking of Ricardo now though, I would like to have a proper goodbye from him. A quiet time with Ricardo would be nice and then tell him goodbye, damn, I'm gonna miss the little cute teaser! Ricardo will sleeping while I'm finnishing writting this post, and tomorrow at 3:15 he and his Father will be taking off. Ricardo's school finnishes at 3:00, so I guess he will be leaving right after school tomorrow. Usually Ricardo comes to my room right after school, sigh!

I have been thinking last night aswell, thinking about my time in Canada. I miss seeing the kids and my friends, I thought I should put some of the photoframes back on my writting desk. When I had it hard and difficult in the beginningof the year  I made the desicion to put everything away what includes my time in Canada, picture's of Saf's kids, closed my Facebook account, no contact anymore for a while,etc, etc, just to heal myself and continue my life. 

It was a tough decision and I thought I never could do it, but I had too. And I did, and it helped. Last night I was thinking to put two photoframes back cause it seemed I totally forgot them, but I don't want to forget them! I had a nice time in Canada aswell, not only arguess and issues! I want to KEEP the memories! Maybe it will be painfull for a bit, but I'm 100% sure it won't be as painfull  as in the beginning of the year, I'm feeling lots better now. I can look slowly at the photo's again and not break down and cry. Some photo's are painfull, some are not. So I putted three little picture frames back, one off Tasn, one of Ab, and one of Ab and me. Painfull? hmm, naah, I'm good, only with the one picture off Tasn, I have a 'sigh' moment. But I refusse to put it away again!

I feel better, I'm feeling good, I'm climbing up. Even my boss told me that he see's me growing while working at Reha, that's what I like to hear. There's a thing 'I' see too, I see that it's time to get away from Humanitas. These people are not the kind of people I am, I have/had a good time here, I really do but these people here are not my type of people. The people here have more then just one problem, some have a criminal past, or a abused past, drug addicts, break ups with there ex's aswell like me. If you look at my situation, I had a break up and  had to build up and manich everything all over again comming from Canada to Holland with nothing, but that's it. I'm not a criminal, I haven't slept on the streets for months or years, I'm not a drug addict, I haven't been abused.

Staying here isn't that healty, sometimes you really can see the difference when you visit a supermarket or a pub or even a sauna, places where lots of people come. It's almost an akward feeling, I say sometimes to myself, "I'ts a akward feeling to be under 'normal' people again." If I stay to long here that 'akward feeling' will get bigger I think. Yeah, step on it boy! It's time to go, my time has been good here.

"Cooling down."

 "Cooling down."

Last night the thunder came rolling in with lots of rain, it was extremely hot yesterday.
and now it's much cooler. It gives an akward feeling, hot inside the houses and outside you really need a jacket. 33 degrees versus 20 degrees, a difference of 13 degrees. Today I rested but not that much, I was tired from the last two hot days.It's been a week now since Ina and I been pushed to get something going, what a week all can do. I'm good now the feelings and thoughts seemed to be vanished slowly away. It's suprising though, within a week all the feelings are almost gone. It made me tired all these thoughts and thinking what I did, and all the wantings to be with her,etc, etc. 

In the end of the week I thought, I'm not gonna put any energy in it anymore, I was done. Just friends and make fun with each other, nothing serious. Ina and I are getting along well. We talk and make jokes, her Daughter is funny too. Today she had her rapport and she showed it to me and Daniel, Daniel and I were visiting Ina in the early afternoon. Daniel gave Ina's daughter some little money, I forgot my wallet, but made it up later today with some chocolate and some little money. Ina's daughters name is Romy. Two residents will be leaving tomorrow and Friday, Friday it's Johannus's turn and tomorrow it's Rene's turn. Rene is a resident who needs help taking care of himself, he can do his own stuff but sometimes needs guiding.

Rene is the first resident I met when I made my entrance to Humanitas, they all thought we could be brothers. We look alike, but there's differences. Rene has been here for almost one and a half year, and that's a record at Humanitas. He has been replaces to another city, he get's a bigger room and has to pay less. Rene has it difficult at the moment saying his goodbye, I can imagine that, he's been here to long. I hope he's doing well in his other place. Friday it's Johannus's turn, I was planning a nice goodbye with my buddy Ricardo, but hmm, he's naughty lately. I had to sent him quit alot upstairs to his Dad. I hope the goodbye goes well, I need a nice goodbye.

Johannus invited me tomorrow night in his room, we will be drinking a few beers I guess. Just like the old days when he wasn't seperated from his ex. You were always welcome in there room, to have a snack or a drink, what has happened to those days? Humanitas is like a rollercoaster always on the move. New people come, and others go, and all with there own story and there own background.

"Heatwave!"

"Heatwave!" 

The weather is insane, last Saturday we had 14 degrees now we have 33 degrees. Insanity, but, I worked today, oh yeah! There's no stopping me, and guess what?! I was the only worker at work, and 2 bosses, normaly we have 7 or 8 people at work. Prolly to warm for them, but work for me went fine. Akward though working alone, with so now and then a visit from the boss asking me how it goes. I think it was the first time I worked in shorts, I guess that's alright when you work with wood. Be aware of splinters though, ha! In our breaks at work the bosses and I talked alot about going on vacations, my two bosses go alot. It makes me wanna go to, I'm excited, but a bit nervous aswell. I'm sure it will be alot of work to book a trip. 

Seeing such pictures...

Sometimes I have a bigh mouth with saying, 'I wanna see the world, I wanna travel.' I need to book a flight, then you have to have a staying, when you arrive where do you have to go to? Do you go take a taxi or can you walk?  Maybe a buss? Eeeks!  Many things to think off, but I will manich. My Boss told me that Holland is also nice to have a vacation, but I don't know. For me it's a waste of time, I lived in Holland for more then 40 years, I have seen it now. I would like to see the world! It's getting greyer and greyer now, hopefully we will get some rain. It's needed, it's so warm in the rooms. 9pm now, I think we prolly get some in the night. 


Today I ated dinner with Johannus, cause Ricardo wanted that I ated with his Dad, he and his little brother. Johannus and I talked normal to each other, I didn't forget about Ina and him but, oh well. Johannus and his two sons will be leaving Humanitas this comming Friday, am I going to miss them? Yes, but also a bit of a no. I spent alot of time with them, as a family but aswell when the family was seperated. And ofcource my buddy Ricardo, I will miss him the most. I think I'm going to give him a special goodbye. The last few days Ricardo has been very naughty actually, 15 minutes ago he cursed at me and used some very heavy insulting words. 

Makes me miss traveling and flying!

I know it's his adhd but you can't always blame the adhd. He really needs to learn to behave and not use 'those' kinda insulting or swear words. I was mad at him, and sent him upstairs. Ricardo will be standing tomorrow afternoon at my door ofcource like every Wednesday, but I will learn him a last lesson for what he has said to me this evening. I'm thinking of writing a letter to me, "I will not swear or insult, I'm sorry Sjon." Fifty times will be enough, or 100? I actually should do 100. He was really mean. Still it's getting greyer and greyer but no rain or thunder, but warm it is, pffeeww! I think it's gonna be a short night sleep. Gotta love those hot summer nights. And I do! 

It started to rain, and I promised with a few residents that if it would start to rain we will go outside to cool down.  And so we did, the rain felt so nice. There was thunder aswell, but we kept it save, when the thunder became harder we went inside. It was a nice evening.

"Feeling hot, hot, hot!!"

"Feeling hot, hot, hot!!" 

Extremely hot day today, more then 30 degrees, and tomorrow even warmer. It's nice though but just a bit to hot. Why always the extreme? Two days ago it was just 16 or 17 degrees, and now 31. Working with this tempature went okay though, only in the end of the day I was out of energy, to warm. We had a new worker coming today, interesting guy. He was short but had some muscles, very though guy it seemed. He had to work with me, sigh! I was kinda not looking forward to it, not really my type of guy. But he was nice and we talked alot while working. He told me he sat many times in jail, did some really bad things, robbed banks, stores, broke into cars, did drugs. 

Yeah he was something. He had to go to work 120 hours from the police otherwise he had to go to jail again. He want to clear his past and want's to have a better life, he has a own house now, a girlfriend, so he's on the good way. He told me aswell he's sick, he has 'insanity defense,' or something like that. If you would ask him let's steal something or do something bad, a normal guy would say, "No," but this guy would think about it and actually do it. He has a counselor and needs medication, after he told his story I was carefull with him. I might get a hammer to my head if he dislikes me or doesn't follow my advices. 

So, a bit eek this morning. He's a nice guy though, and works only half days. pffeeww! There weren't much people today at work, prolly to warm. I don't mind the heat, mostly Dutch people complain about the weather.To warm, to rainy,to windy, it's never good. With this heat it can easily get extremely hot in my room, it's needed to open a window at night. But I don't want to let the mosquitos in. Tomorrow at work I'm gonna make a mosquito screen for my window at work, I have the screens but I have to measure the lenght of the window frames first and then start to make two frames. I so dislike mosquito's, they can keep me awake the whole night. While I'm sitting here writting this post it's already starting to get very warm. 


How does it go between Ina and me? Specially me, how do I feel? Well, I'm alright I guess. I still like her company, at the moment Ina and her daughter are into town, prolly Daniel is with them. Ricardo saw Ina and her Daughter but didn't saw Daniel though he told me when he came to visit me. Does it something to me when there both going into town?  Hmm, yes and no. I like Ina's company and her Daughter is funny and hyper. Am I still looking for a relationship with Ina? Hmmm, naah, but who knows what can happen, secretly? I would like it though, but I would have peace with it if it didn't happen. Now let me concentrate on a very warm night, goodnight all!

"Back to bussines."

"Back to bussines."

This last week has been hectic, shame on me that I left alone the things I really had to do. Like paperwork and paying a bill, I had some nice post aswell. It's time to get 'back to bussines,' and in the meanwhile enjoy the gossip and fooling around from the residents. it's just funny sometimes, never take things to serious. I noticed that it's really not healty to stay here at Humanitas to long, you might get attatched to the crazyness, funnyness and akwardness. It will be so much different when you live on your own again. I had a nice conversation with Sandra this morning, my stand in counselor for Paula. Paula will return next week. Sandra didn't know anything about what all happened last week with Ina and me, I told her the short version. I was wondering how Sandra would react on it, she found it brave how I maniched it all.

She didn't respond much further on the subject, but just listened. I felt relieved to talk about it aswell with just a listening ear. Last night something suprising happened aswell, Ricardo was up late together with Ina's daughter Romy, they played around and made fun. Ofcource they had to had me, bouncing on my door, played hide and seek, and silly notes under my door. I was kinda fed up with it later on when the clock stricked ten I ignored it further. A half hour later, my resident neighbor came to me and asked me to do something about these kids, they made alot of noise. Specially Ricardo went wild with his adhd, it had to be stopped. I went to Ricardo's Dad to solve the problem, I was sure that Ricardo would follow me.

When I opened the door I saw Johannus sitting together with Ina, I was suprised cause they both talked about each other seperatly not so nice, you can call it gossiping. Welcome to Humanitas where everything is possible, seeing Ina and Johannus with each other did a little bit something to me but it didn't hurt, I layed it beside me and I was now really done with them both. Yeah both, specially Johannus, who would have thought that? Even Johannus warned me about flirting with other female residents, cause they all have problems he told me. And now he is doing it himself! I just laughed about it, I was really dissapointed in Johannus. The last few four weeks he was trying to start a relationship with another blonde girl, he had many visits of her. Johannus praised this girl and was happy with her, the girl herself felt the same. 

"I have a woman now where I can build a future with, she's much handsomer then my ex," said Johannus. While I was sitting with Johannus and Ina the kids jumped suddenly in to the room aswell, but Johannus ignored them, he was busy with Ina, it even seemed he forgot about me. Johannus was the old Johannus again, 'the flirter,' Johannus talked about going out with her towards her tomorrow. But Ina didn't know yet, Johannus kept trying. I told johannus with a smile on my face, "What about your other 'blonde'girl then?" Sigh! "She doesn't want a steady relation yet," he told me. "So you jump from girl to girl?" I asked Johannus. he raized his shoulders a few times and told me,"I don't know." I knew enough, I was dissapointed in him and stayed for another five minutes and left.

I was fed up with it, I layed everything beside me, gave it a place, done! I'm not going to put any energy in it with everything what happend last week. I'm not going to get involved, I stick with my goals. Fun and laughter with the residents, including Ina, yeah, I really hope the best for her, She stays my buddy. I have a few residents here where I care for, where I get along with very well, and Ina is one of them. This morning with the appointment with Sandra I had to go to my room to pick up my cell phone, there were a few problems with it, Sandra knew the solution. On my way I saw Ina and another resident sitting with each other and I joined them for a quick chat, I can't let Sandra wait to long ofcource. When Ina mentioned Johannus she told aswell that she's going out with him to the movie theatre, I thought, "Alright."

I told her to be on her hood, and that I didn't like to see her hurt again. I knew Ina is a strong lady and surely not afraid. Johannus told Ina last night that she has to ask 'me' what kinda person he was. LOL! I shook my head and laughed a bit. I told her how Johannus was and how I thought he changed in a positive way, but he wasn't, Johannus is a though guy, a player, a flirter, he can be very nice but what I saw last night made me think. I don't think you really can't build up a future with him. He dissapointed me last night, I found him hypocrisy or how you call it, fake? I didn't wanna scare Ina though and didn't wanna ruin her night out. But in my eyes I had to warn her to be carefull. Without making advances towards Ina or in other words to not win her back for myself... I wouldn't like to see her fall in another drama. 

I shouldn't even get involved in such things I know, but I can't see people suffer. I really need to learn that though. Just like some other residents tell me, don't get involved, just let them be, it's there bussines. Speaking about bussines, it was time to get back to bussines this morning. I wanted to pay my huge bill from the care allowance, I never had such a high bill. I have the money for it now, I bought off a policy a few months ago, and got alot of money from it. I can pay the whole bill and still I have a little bit money left, I had a little bit of problems making the money over trough banking online, (activatings code, sigh) but okay, trough the mail was another option. I have the envelope with the bill and I will put it on the post right away the next morning. With paying this care allowance bill, I can ask again for care allowance. Cause I couldn't do that earlier cause I had to pay the bill, better!

Next thing I really want to do this week is to check my blood cause of my thyroid disease, it's about time. It's been such a long while since I checked my blood, I'm sure the last time was in Canada. I'm curious how my blood will be, usually it's mostly alright. Let's see how it is now, it will take a few days though after they put the needle in my arm but that's alright. It was a warm day today but didn't went outside much, only in the evening I sat in the garden with Daniel and Ina, joking and chatting around again, that's the way I like it. Daniel told me that he and Ina want to go out to a movie theatre or a dinner one night, I told them, "Okay, nice." I was fine with that, I hope she has a good time. Ina asked me if I was mad last night when she sat with Johannus. 

I told her I wasn't mad at all, but just dissapointed in Johannus, he has to make up  his mind what he wants. And not use every woman like dirt, ah! It's not even my bussines. It was nice sitting in the garden, some other residents joines us aswell. Were going to get some really warm days this comming week, they spoke about 30 degrees tomorrow already. And it's a working day tomorrow, it's all fine with me. I can stand the heat very well. I actually love it!

"Relieved."

"Relieved."

Nothing feels better then a relieved feeling, this Saturday was nice and felt comfy. Like I said yesterday, I just wish that Ina acts normal to me. It might sound weird, but if Ina keeps her distance and ignores me, (cause I might get 'more feelings for her) that doesn't work. It will only give me more bad thoughts and I don't want that', it was all good today. (A little bit more about her later in this post) This morning I sat in the dinning room with another guy who wanted to fix my computer, my computer crashed every 15 minutes today and yesterday and it had starting problems. The guy who helped me was a real computer wizard, he learned it all when he worked for a software factory for years. He even worked for a phone company where do install internet aswell. He knows every little thing you need on a computer and every little thing you don't need. He saw right away what the problem was, I had tons of viruses and a few trojan horses. (wow!) I didn't expect that!

The guy installed the right software and deleted the bad software, I watched him while he was doing his thing, I was amazed how he went to work. He told me he had a friend once who had a laptop what nearly was broken and was about to throw it away, but 'he' fixed it. Yeah, he's good, today I was the lucky man. "If you had waited a waited a week, you could have throwen the computer away," he told me. The trojan horses on my computer dammaged my dvd player and was already doing his thing on my hard disk. The last trojan horse was a though one, but 'he' managed it after a few curses. Yay, I was happy as a little kid. He asked me ten Euro before he started his job, but in the end I gave him twenty. He worked more then four hours on my computer. While we worked on the computer Ina joined us aswell in the dinning room, she made some eggs for herself and sat with us. She talked and joked around with me normal, and it relieved me. That's the way I like it.

Last night I shoved away my feelings or thoughts of her aside as far as I possibly could, now when she and I act normal to each other it feels alot better. It gives me a easier feeling to talk to her, away with the stress, the pushing and the bad thoughts. I know she doesn't have feelings for me, it's really fine with me. I know she isn't my type and I know I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the friendship instead feels good. Around eleven in the morning another resident took care of the coffee for us, we usually have coffee-breaks in the week, but if you go the office there will be always one staff member who will want to make some coffee. It was nice in the dinning room, we joked around and had fun with each other. What a relieved feeling, it felt so much better then the last three or four days. It's one more week for Johannus and his two kids, then they will be gone to another city, I will miss them and specially Ricardo. He was naughty though a few times today. 

Goofy!

If he's with me and he's naughty he will know what will happen. I will send him upstairs to his Dad, and he doesn't like that, he rather stay's with me. Although the weather was bad today, Ricardo and I took a little ride on our bikes. He had alot of coins with him, 1 Euro and 65 cents,most of them were 5 cent coins. He bought an icecream for it, and it costed him 1 Euro 60, he had 5 cent's left, LOL! After the icecream I had to buy some grocery at my favorite store, 'Albert Hein.' It's a nice store, most of the time expensive but they have cheap stuff aswell. I needed alot of stuff cause my little tiny fridge was empty, it was so busy at the store. It seemed the customers were stalking me, everywhere I go they followed me or they were a step before me to tease me. In needed meat, but some people were blocking the way to my favorite meat section, on purpose? Hmmm! 

I needed some nice deserts but people were blocking the desert section, again on purpose? Hmmm! LOL! Blame the Saturday shopping madness! When I got back from the grocery shop I saw johannus aswell and he took Ricardo with him, pffeww! Again, Ina sat in the dinning room but this time with her eleven year old daughter, I joined them and again it was nice and comfy. Joking and fun together, this is how I like it. I can also leave her alone and go sit somewhere else or visit another resident while 'she' sit's there. It's really fine with me, the feeling that things are settled like I want them to be relieves me. And how do I want it then? Just like it went today, no pushing, no stress, just getting along with 'her' just like I do with the other residents. I must say weekends are usually boring here at Humanitas but I can say now aswell that this Saturday was nice, lots to do, alot of people around me, joking, talking. This calls for more often days like this in the weekend!

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel." 

I wish it was a working day but it isn't, so I can focus on other things. I had a better day yesterday, I was fine with things. I thought everything was settled, between you know who and me. But so now and then I think of her, and when I see her I get quiet. When I have the time to see her, I want to go to her but I know it's not right, I don't want to go to her. But sometimes I can't stop myself. What the hell is wrong with me? Will it go with every women I feel atractive to like this? I hope not, I really have to learn to control myself then. Okay once more, I'm not ready for a relationship, I don't want to. I would like to settle things first for myself, and then slowly on we will see what happens. In the meanwhile I would like to enjoy my freedom. I should write this on a memo card and stick it on the wall, LOL! 

This morning with the second coffee break Ina was there aswell, and I went quiet. I had the feelings she keeps her distance from me, I think. No eye contact. I should be fine with it, but it does something to me. Then she had to go somewhere, but she came back later. She was hectic and she had tears in her eyes, sigh! Damn! She throwed some things on the ground to put her moped in the little garage. She was surely not feeling happy, some staff members went with her to her room I thought, to calm her down, I broke and I would really like to calm her down aswell but it was better not. I went to my room, and thought I will wait 15 minutes and then I will go to her. I waited 5 minutes and started to walk to her room, sigh. Her door was closed I saw from the stairs and I went back to my room. 

After 10 minutes the same thing,  I started to walk to her room, her door was still closed I could see. I went back to my room again, I waited 15 minutes and did the same thing over, still her door was closed. I went back to my room and tried to give up. But after 10 minutes (Am I nuts?) I went downstairs to go look if I had any mail, I thought I will look for my mail, then afterwards I go back to Ina's room to see if she was then there. On my way to the mail, I suddenly saw her, she wasn't all the time in her room but in one of the offices with a staff member. I asked her how she was doing and if she was feeling alright, she replied with some swear words about her ex. She went to her ex to pick upsome things and her ex insulted her badly. I felt pity for her and wanted to put an arm around her, to tell her it's gonna be alright. 

But, she didn't like that, and said, "Don't do that," she told it friendly though, she wasn't mad. I got the message but was suprised. I felt more distance, I wondered why, I wasn't looking for love, but I felt just sorry for her. Was I to much for her? I walked with her upstairs while she kept talking about her ex, I didn't know what to answer, afraid I was to much. She went to her room and I went to mine. "Ugh, just let it be", I thought. The day went on and I joined a few residents who made  a huge lunch for a staff member who was here for her last day. It was nice and comfy, I made myself some peanutbutter jelly sandwiches for my lunch. I didn't feel so well, I felt heavy on my chest. I would like to let it all be, all the thoughts, but it ain't easy. In about an hour Ina came back and had her reunited daughter with her, I shoutted, "Welcome back!" And she thanked me. 


I went to my room when I finnished my lunch and tried to go for a nap, I was dead tired. But I couldn't catch my sleep, thank God Ricardo knocked on my door, yeah I said "Thank god." I really would like to go out with him for a little while, just to leave it all be, the wind on my head will do me good. Before we took off one staff member wanted to talk with me, she asked me into her office. When I sat down she asked me what was going between Ina and me, sigh! I was suprised! The staff member heard some rumours, yeah every wall here has ears! I was happy though that I could spit all of my thoughts out, finally someone where I could talk to about this. I told her the whole story and what I would like and what my plan and thoughts were. After all what happened the last few days I just want to get along with Ina, just like I get along with the other residents, that's all! 


The staff member kinda understood me, (I so dislike it when they don't understand me) it was nice of her that she told me that I can always talk with her when it's needed. She even made a appointment for wednesday with me for another talk. I have another appointment this comming Sunday with Sandra, she's a stand in counselor for Paula. I'm gonna talk to her aswell about Ina, this just can't go on like this. I feel afwull most of the time the last few days, and it seems Ina is hidding or ignoring me. She wants to continue this for the rest of her staying here? That would be crazy, but okay, we will see. The bikeride with Ricardo was great, although he was naughty and shoutted he wanted to go left instead of right, or that he wanted to go for a icecream with me not having money, I loved it! 


How do I feel at the moment? I'm feeling slightly okay, I have my down and sad moments. But aswell I have my 'Screw it all, I'm just gonna have fun' moments, I should actually have such feelings more. Cause when I think of it, what is actually going on? I'm  good with the residents, very good I must say, only Ina is a bit of a problem, I hope 'that' can be solved. I like her and I want the best for her in the end. I don't like the ignoring and I don't like the distance, I'm not a stalker and I'm not a pervert. Now some good news to end this post, I got some nice money back from my taxes from 2007/2008 and 2009. That's filling my bankaccount nicely. I should make a quick start with searching for houses aswell, still I haven't it settled the searching but that will come in time soon I hope.


I found out that it's time for me to go, staying here to long at Humanitas isn't healty for me. You can become to attatched to the people and the living here, it's time to go! 

P.s: I had a little chat just before I went to bed with some of the residents, Ina came to for a little while, I kept my distance first but then I talked with the residents and aswell Ina. She responded back and we kinda joked around with each other. See, now that is what I want, just a normal get along with each other,nothing more. Let's see how it will go the following days. 

"You can't hurry love, no I just have to wait."

"You can't hurry love, no I just have to wait."

Suppa duppa exhausted day at work, I guess the energy was all gone after the last few days. That really sucked the  energy out of me, so I knew where the tiredness came from. The work I done today wasn't that exciting, but we had some laughs, oh yeah! Some of the workers played some soccer with a plastic ball I made from wrap plastic, it was fun. Anything news from Ina? Hmm, not really, I just got home and had a shower. On my way from the shower to my room I saw her and I said, "Hi, and she said "Hi," back. It sometimes suprises me that she just walks on while greeting each other and doesn't stop for a little talk. Maybe it's just the was she is, I don't know. Do I still have feelings for her? To be honest? Yes, I do, but I can handle them..... I think.

After my shower and dinner, (I cooked my dinner downstairs, cause 'she' might be there aswell, sigh, silly me! ) I sat behind my computer and did the ussualy stuff. I wasn't planning to go to Ina this evening, I didn't wanna go every evening. Cause she might start to think, I know, it's silly. But while I was on the computer she kept flashing trough my mind, "Shall I go to her?" I thought. In the end I went, but first I went to Daniel cause he told me we could go together this evening today. Daniel wasn't in his room, so I thought maybe he's already there. But Ina wasn't on her room either, her door was closed. I went back to my room. Tomorrow another day. Yeah, I don't wanna stress myself, if it gets to much in  my head I back down and just leave it be.

Ina told me last night she wants to stay single for a while and so do I, were friends, it's all good. I don't have the energy to rush or push myself. It's fine now like it is. I do miss her though.... Grrr! LOL! Tomorrow Ina's Daughter comes back from summer-camp, I'm happy for Ina that she can see her Daughter back. Maybe I won't go either to her tomorrow, let her have a good time with her Daughter. God, I sound like a little baby right now! Do you noticed? Geesh, man up! Alright, back to me. I promised that I  put a few pictures on the next post a few days ago, pictures of what I made last Monday. Remember the baby two sitter with something extra? 

Fase one!

Fase two!

Fase tree!

Tadaa! Done! Nice right?

I had fun making it, the baby two sitter I made already a few times, but the bin inside of it I designed myself, with a tiny little extra help from the Boss. It looks nice and I hope to make more of them. At the moment we haven't got much people working at Reha, two workers will leave us next week aswell. Cause there duty is done, these workers were actually internship runners (Google translate) at Reha to guide us workers. I learned alot from them, they were all ways around to help me and ofcource other workers. They will be missed. Upcomming Sunday I finally have a meeting with the (stand-in) counselor, she was sick. I'm looking forward to it, cause there's alot to be done and there's a lot to be looked over. The evening went on and me and Daniel went out for a while. I invited myself after Daniel wanted to go out cause he was bored. 


Daniel was sitting with Ina in the 'green sitting room,' that's the room next to my room. I joined them and we all went from there to another resident first. After that Ina went upstairs to watch TV, and Daniel and I went out. We went into town and Daniel went to a pub first, "You wait here, I'll be right back," he said. He came out the pub with another guy, he spoke english and was from Romania. Daniel met him before this week when he went to the pub. The Romainian guy was in this town for work, he was here for a week, young guy, I think he was about 23 or 24. Nice guy. He couldn't speak a word Dutch, Daniel's english was funny, that's why he asked me to talk to him. What was very easy cause I knew english very well. I spoke to him alot, and it was so nice to speak english again, I really enjoyed it.


We allwent to a place where they played pool biljart, (yes, the same place where Daniel and I went before) we really had a nice time. It keeps you aswell your mind of things, just what I needed a bit. Good times!

"Bad day with a happy, good ending,"

"Bad day with a happy, good ending,"

I felt terrible after last night, I know it's not a good line to start a post. I think I'm in love, it sucked that I missed a chance last night. I just didn't know what to do, the 'feeling' hurted inside, and still did the most of the day. Some people here say follow your thoughts, but I didn't know what I want and what I thought. I had a few times the feeling that I thought to myself, "Ah, let it be, just good friends and we will see what will happen." That's a good thought, right? But when I thought of her I wanted more, I don't know. I should stick with that last thought I thought later this day, and I will! I needed a talk with her for sure today for a good and positive ending or something like that. I loved the attention last night, I loved the hugging, touching and kissing. 

This morning with the coffee break I was quiet, I drank my coffee and that was it, I wanted to go and sit in my room. The residents who wanted to connect me yesterday with Ina were with the coffee break aswell. I laughed a bit towards them and they laughed back. I went to my room within 20 minutes, it was fine.  I layed on the bed and wanted to cry but instead I fell in a deep sleep, I was so exhausted. After the sleep it was time for the second coffee break but I didn't go, I waited a while and checked my just washed laundry, on my way I saw Daniel, (the resident who wanted to connect me with Ina) He felt guilty for the connecting, and asked me to come in his room. Aswell he wanted to know what has happened last night, I made myself a deal that I wont talk about it.

But my head and heart was full and I wanted to spit it all out, and so I did. I told what happened last night, and Daniel felt guilty and said sorry. I still felt weird and didn't know what I wanted or how I wanted to feel. Daniel invited me to go with him in town for a game of pool biljart, that sounded nice. And I went with him. On our way downstairs we saw suddenly Ina ready to go to work, she was in tears. She had a little postcard in her hand, the postcard was from her daughter who had sent it to her from summer camp. Seeing her crying hurted me ofcource and I held her a bit and tried to calm her. "I have to go to work," she said and she took off, ugh and damn! Daniel and I went further with our walk towards town, we had alot of talks, yeah also about Ina and I last night. Daniel told me what to do and what not to do with Ina, he gave me advice. 

I liked it but I had my own idea though. I needed a talk with Ina this evening, to make things clear. I already shoved a little note under her door this morning, asking if she was free tonight.  Later in the afternoon I had doubts about the note writting, but okay, there was nothing I could do anymore,  it has happened. Daniel and I had a good time in town, we shopped and later on we played biljart. Later on we returned back and I took a nap, five minutes later Ricardo knocked on my door. The poor guy has been knocking the whole afternoon. "Where we you? I missed you," he said. "I went out," I told him and I hugged him. Cute little fellow! We played some games on the computer and afterwards I sent him to his Dad. It was time for the free dinner but I decided not to go, I wasn't in the mood. Perhaps a bit nervous and feeling lost and in love, I don't know. I rather was on my own and have my own dinner.

Just before the other residents went to the dinner, I saw Ina for five minutes talking with other residents and I joined them. I was nervous cause Ina didn't even look at me, and barely talked with me. My thoughts were wondering and I decided to make a start with the dinner, I really had enough! I decided to crack up some tunes while I made dinner and let it all go. I thought, "Everything is alright, last night ended with a happy ending aswell,  so sshhh!" Ofcource it's alright, Ina and I hugged and we decided to be friends instead. I should be happy and I decided I will be happy! Ina walked by me while I just finnished my dinner and did my dishes,  She said "Hi," and wanted to walk further. I stopped her and asked her about tonight if she was free for a short time. "Yeah I'm free, you can just hop in, the note wasn't nesaccary." she told me. 

I felt okay and better after that but slightly a bit nerves how the time with her will go tonight. She sounded nice and it seemed she forgot about last night. I felt positive and kept that positive feeling, good friends and that's it,act normal, be jolly! Around seven I went to her room after I dropped Ricardo, (sigh) Ina was nice and we joked around, just as we ended last night. It felt good and I wanted to keep it this way, this is what I wanted, no more pressure, just fun and be jolly with each other. Perhaps the love will grow or perhaps not, I didn't mind, it's good now. She told me a few things too in the evening, Ina explained me that she kissed me last night because she wanted to know if she had really feelings towards me. I didn't ask further if she now has feelings for me, it's fine now. Ina told me aswell she got mad at the at the two residents this morning with the second coffee break, who were trying to connect us. 

She told them well, it wasn't nice from them, there was to much pressure put on us." We could have have a good chance if the pressure wasn't there," she told the two residents.We talked further about things just like last night, but no hugging or petting, I sat on the couch and see on the bed. It was fine, I was already reliefed that this evening wasn't turn out as a disaster. This evening was good and I felt reliefed. Ina has the same thoughts as me I found out, she just came out a relationship and wanted to be free and single, she wasn't ready yet too, she told me. She found that out last night. I'm happy this day ended good, this day started terrible, bit I'm feeling better now. The pressure is gone, I feel reliefed, and I'm good with Ina as just friends. I want to make her laugh and have fun again, she has been trough alot. We could need each other perhaps, we just will see.

Another day has ended and pffeeeww, what a day it was again. Ina told me aswell tonight that she was a wreck this morning just like me, it was just all to much yesterday.  We surely didn't need the pressure. The fun and kindness is back, thank God!

Phil Collins - You Can't Hurry Love *HQ*

Perfect song for these comming days, Ugh! LOL. No, just have to you wait, it's a game of give and take , now Break!

"Unexpected butterflies."

"Unexpected butterflies."

Just before I started to write this post, I have been laying on the bed staring at the ceiling for more then 30 minutes. I think I told already this but, recently there is living a woman here together with his daughter. At first sight she looked like she wasn't my type, she has tattoo's, she smokes and she's hectic and talks alot. The oppisite of me? Hmm, at first sight? yes! The days went on and the woman and I and a few other residents are getting  along well, one resident already told me that her and I should get together. Now 'that' resident is trying to connect us for already two days. And when that resident started, more residents started trying  to connect aswell. It was all good and nice, but I just didn't know, was I ready for a realationship? I have thought about it, and a new realtionship I really didn't expect so soon. I surely didn't expect her and that things went so fast, there was a chance for a relationship. I went to her room last night cause she re-furnitured it with all nice stuff, I went to her for a look, we had a really nice chat and we both felt comfy.

A little bit about her. She's 34 and her name is Ina, she broke up recently cause her ex was violent. Her past is hectic, she's been trough alot and she's a city girl. Ina has two kids from her last marriage. There are a few guys recently chasing her, but Ina has doubts about those guys. While we talked last night we talked about each other lives and our past, and we found out that we have more then a few things in common. It was a nice sit with her last night, but the 'love' wasn't there (yet), or was it? I don't know, yes and no. Anxious? Hmm, akward feeling? hmm, yes. She told me that the first time she saw me she liked me, and I'm started to like her recently, but kept a bit my distance. I'm not ready for a realtionship yet. To afraid to fall deeply in love cause I'm fragile at the moment. I'm to afraid to get dumped aswell. I'm confussed right at the moment and feel akward. As this day started it seemed everyone knew about the 'connecting' part between me and Ina, and nothing happend yet. 

At work a few residents came towards me and joked around about Ina and me, when is the wedding? Where is the wedding?  Just foolling around with me, I just followed them with aswell joking around. Nothing serious, but just a little tiny bit excited right? Yes, I was. But I kept my thoughts with me, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, I'm afraid to fall in love and afraid to get dumped afterwards, I don't wanna fall in that hole of pain again. It's a normal reaction right? After work I went to my room, some of the residents asked me I  would join them with dinner, they offered me food. I told them that that was okay, but I needed a shower first. That was alright. After my shower another resident came towards me, and told me that Ina wanted to make dinner for me. Later I found out that 'that'resident has been talking to Ina, and that she should make some dinner for me, so that 'we' could sit with each other and have a nice time. Well alright,we thought.


Me and Ina cooked our meal downstairs were it was quiet. She wasn't looking so happy, she told me she had a afwull day, there were some silinces too and I felt akward. What to do to cheer her up? Right? "Damn guys trying to connect us," she laughed. "I don't like the pushing," she told me, "Me neither, but let's just have fun and be friends and let the guys talk,"I said. Then Ina told me she misses her daughter, and she started to cry, ugh! I broke too, and I hugged her and kissed her on her forehead, I told her that it's gonna be alright and that she will be back soon. We talked a bit about her daughter and I told her that when she comes back you can plan a nice day out with her. Her daughter is on summer-camp for a week. The dinner was done and we went upstairs for a little while for a drink. (sounds almost like a date, lol) 


We went to her room, and again it was comfy, after a while we were holding hands and kissed a bit. Nothing serious yet, but it started. It felt good, but I was carefull. Way to carefull for her, we talked alot about how men and women should be in relationships. She told me a few times that she likes that the guy takes the first step if it comes to love or a realtionship, I got the message, but still... 'carefull.' I guess you know it by now why. I just ended a relationship and I feel a bit frighten to take the first step, afraid to fall in love. We ended up sitting on the bed and started to talk and layed in each other arms, "Do you like this like we sit here?" asked Ina, I told her "Yes", I needed this. Then I cried. I guessed I surely missed this feeling and the attention. We held each other tight and then she kissed me, I kissed her too. Our lips found each other and after kissing each other for a few minutes, I stopped her. 

I had doubts, I don't know what came over me. I double thoughts, I was afraid, but I liked it too. Again my afraidness took over, she cried and I felt so bad, I hugged her and told her, "Sorry," I tried to explain her why I stopped, I was confussed and had troubles in explaining it to her. I didn't even know why she cried, it was clear for me that it was my fault. After a while the crying was over, and we started to talk again, but oh, I felt so akward and such a loser. What was going on here? While we talked I told her a few times that I'm not ready yet, and that I just came out of a relationship, I'm afraid and carefull. "You are to carefull," she told me, she  made a few advances, she told me, but I didn't took the first step. Like I said, I'm carefull and took it easy, not just like 'beng'here we go. Ina is so different then me. She's  is a flip out in a good way, she's loose and very open. She's nice though and with a good heart, maybe it could have worked out if I took the kiss and went on. I just don't know.


Should I feel like a loser? Or was this moment just a moment that should have been like this? Sometimes things happen for a reason, I just don't know. Aswell, I'm surely not a guy who can just get laid and leave a woman behind. I fall in love and I build it up slowly, specially now. Ina and I sat again with each other and talked, "I'm not shy anymore, what I was earlier," she told me. Ina get's shy when it comes to men and love she told me a few times. It was oblivious for me that the 'feeling for me' was over. I felt a chance with her slipping by, it's over and out. Fail? Yes, a bit. I explained it to her again why things went this way this evening, it was okay for her, no hard feelings. She wasn't mad or dissapointed she told me. "We can become very good friends," she said.  "I really hope we do, cause your a very nice girl," I said to her. We watched TV and we sat comfy with each other, we even holded hands a few times and she layed her head on my shoulder. 

But the kissing was over, it's better aswell. I missed it though. Still I felt akward and a bit of a loser, and I should not even feel that way. I just don't know what to think right now, should I change myself and just have a fun time? Ina was to fast for me, that was oblivious, ofcource I reacted the way I reacted, that's me, I'm fragile right now. I liked perhaps the attention, am I in love? Yes and no, ugh! Does falling in love works for me right now? Should I take the first step when it comes to love if it happens again? A few persons told me I should, even Ina made it clear to me. Should I take another step with her? Or should I just be laid back and see what happens these comming weeks? So many questions, where I don't have a answer for. I felt I missed a chance, but maybe it was for the better. Maybe if God is with me he will give me a sign these comming week. If nothing will happen then it's even maybe meant to be, If I take  a step towards 'her' too. 


I could use some advice....

Good news! Bad news(?)

Good news! Bad news(?) 

I have some good news and bad news, well bad news? News to be a bit worried about, let's call it that. Where do I start with, good news or bad news? Uhm, ussualy when people talk about good news and bad news they start with the bad news. So, the news to be worried about is that the Municipality of Almelo still wants me out of Humanitas. A few months ago 'they' saw my rapport at Humanitas and according to them I'm ready to live on my own, I can leave Humanitas, cause I cost them to much money. And besides that there is a waitinglist, there are more people waiting for a room at Humanitas. Me and Humanitas are not agreeing with 'them' cause the best option to live on my own according to 'them' is to live very cheap. A chamber (Wikipedia) would be the easiest option and the cheapest. A chamber you can see as a room where I live now, just one room where you can stay until you find something else (The finding will take a few years) 

Now a few weeks ago it was time for a second rapport, but again the rapport seemed to good, "We can't come with that rapport to the Municipality of Almelo," said a staff member. So, we had to change the rapport a bit for good sake.  A staff member and I changed the rapport a bit so it looks that I still needed help with some things, let's say something about work and I still wasn't able to live on my own. Today I got a message back from 'them' with the message that they still didn't confirm with the rapport, I still need to go. The staff member who wrote the rapport together with me, sent 'them' back a message, a polite one but aswell a direct one. Thiss week we will get an answer or not. It makes me a bit nerves and a bit worried, I told this aswell to the staff member who helped me, "Don't worry about it, I will worry for you," she said. But still! 


Now it's time for some good news, within two days I will get the big sum of money what have  waited for, for almost two weeks. I bought a policy cause this policy was not in use anymore, I didn't use it for almost a year while I was in Canada. So, buying it was the best option. Now with this money I can pay all my guilts and aswell I don't have to pay back all of my care allowance, I had to pay all my monthly care allowance back cause I was in Canada, and it wasn't allowed to get that money there every month. I wanted to ask my care allowance back while I returned in Holland, cause I could use the extra money in the month. But instead 'they' found out I have been in Canada, payback time!  Now with the sum of money I'm getting I can pay all the allowance back, that means aswell I can ask for the monthly allowance again. Just my luck! Yay!!


That was the good news and the 'worry about' news? I will have to wait what will happen with the 'worry about' news. I worked today and it was kinda busy, I was exhausted afterwards but aswell satisfied. I needed to make something new, it was another baby two sitter, but this time with a bin (or how you call it) Ah! Pictures tomorrow, LOL! It was fun making it, tomorrow the two sitter is done. Tomorrow I got some more news to tell, early night for me tonight.

"Don't let your dreams be dreams."

"Don't let your dreams be dreams."

It's been a nice day, with here and there some down moments. It just happens sometimes, and it's normal. I knew for myself that my first relationship would be difficult, just because it was my first relation. I dove into the deep, and I knew nothing what was comming towards me in a relationship. I never knew it would be that much that I had to learn, or what I experienced. Love was easy but it wasn't not only love each other, there was so much more, I keep saying it but I really learned alot. And it seems so easy now, sigh! What hurts the most is that I just blew it all in my first relation, I regretted every little argue and every little issue I made. We both ussualy solved things but in the end it was just, done! It became to much, I know so much better now, but it's to late, and that hurts when I think of it. I will take what I have learned with me...

What made this day so nice? Well, I had some nice conversations with the residents. Harry knocked on my door at 10:00, he told there was coffee downstairs. Harry is almost like furniture at Humanitas, he's been here quit a while. Harry is in his 50's and I really hope he get's a place for himself, he's stubborn and he's a tough guy, but a guy with a small heart. Downstairs there were more residents waiting for the coffee, a new lady joined us aswell, a new resident. Her name is Ina and she came here with her 11 year old daughter yesterday. Ina is nice and not afraid to talk, she really flips it all out while she talks. 

My Dad got feeded by a fisherman, the kinda fish was a new salt herring!

 She gets along quit well with the other residents, another resident asked me if Ina wasn't a nice lady for me. I told him that I'm not in a rush and that she is surely not my type. Ina is a nice lady and we get along well, we talk and we laugh, but that's it. She's the oppisite of me, hectic, talks fast, smokes, and she's still in conflicts with other exe's. So yeah, I'm good. Like we say in Holland, we will see where the ship harbors. We will see what happens, but I'm surely on my hood and carefull when it comes to relationships again.

I have been to my Dad today with a small gift, Fathersday today! He was happy to see me and very happy with the gift, I gave him a new pair of slippers. But he wanted to hold on to the old slippers though, it was a gift from Saf, slippers from Canada. He walks in them daily and he really loves them. I told him that if the old ones brake or get holes in them you can try the new ones. When the nurse came in she told my Dad to wear the new slippers, the nurse took the new ones and shoved them on my Dad's feet. My Dad can be stubborn when it comes to new things, he rather walks or wear the old 'comfy' clothing. The old slippers were laying in a corner next to the TV, I'm sure when the nurse is gone he will put the old slippers back on, I love you Dad! Dad can't walk that good anymore, he admits it when he told me, the new slippers will do him good. 

Dad really loved the salt Herring, here goes another one!

I didn't stay that long, I was tired and wanted badly a nap, it's quit a walk to from Dad's place to the trainstation. I stayed for an hour and left, it was all good. Arriving back at Humanitas, some residents told me there was free food for everyone, still I don't know why, but okay. They gave me 2 whole breads, 12 eggs, 2 apples and one pack of milk, I could have take more but I dont have a freezer and my fridge is mini-mini-mini-scule. I guess I will be eating bread alot this week. Like I said this day was nice, I would like to tell more of my thoughts, my sad moments, or my angry feelings and that I'm still not happy but I don't want to complain, I have sometimes my happy moments and things are going well and that should be enough, right? No one is happy 24 hours a day, I need to live towards my goals and that's what I'm gonna do.

Saint germain - Sure Thing (feat.john lee hooker) - HD

I love this song! nothing better then listen to this on a grey and rainy evening. It makes me wanna share a poem....

Falling Down, pooling up,
Out of the sky, into my cup.

What is this wet that comes from above,
That some call disaster, and others find love.

The harder it falls, the less it is nice,
The colder it falls the harder the ice.

The rain has an art that I may not get,
So I stand still here and get soaking wet.

"Made a schedule."

"Made a schedule."

We were suppose to get alot of rain and lots of wind but, it was quit okay. There was place for the sun aswell, that made the day nicer. Again I didn't do much this day, In the morning I took my naps and in the late afternoon I did the last of my grocery and bought a little present for my Dad, cause of tomorrow's Father's day. Ugh! My Aunt insisted that I should buy slippers for him, as I didn't know that, sigh! My Aunt can be helpfull and friendly but sometimes it's the other way around. A few weeks ago she messaged me with a mail, she asked me why I didn't message her, I could be dead she told me, and she wouldn't even know. I just messaged her a few weeks ago, telling her how I was and how she was. Anyway! 

I wrote a little schedule for Ricardo, cause it's getting just to much when he shows up. I know he's going trough alot, but I expect from him to be nicer so now and then towards me, and more thankfull. He got to be aware that I really can't be with him 24 hours a day, I like him, I really do. But enough is enough, he comes sometimes with orders what were going to do when I spent time with him, hello? And If I don't follow these orders he gets mad, I know adhd patients like to have everything in order and having things there way. A good example today was that Ricardo wanted to go for a bikeride at 2:00pm (we both promised each other this yesterday) But things has changed a bit and I had to change the bike riding time from 2:00pm to 2:30pm, his Dad told me that he doesn't like when you change things.

Well sorry, but it is as it is, right? Ricardo was okay with the changed bikeride time after some insults and shoutings. And I must say we had a nice afternoon, we biked quit a while, we got some rain on our heads but that was okay, like Ricardo shoutted, "Were not from sugar!" We went to the canal for a little while and on our way back we drove by a garden center, they had alot of plants and garden stuff, but aswell fishes and other animals. Ricardo loved the fishes, specialy the big koi's. Afterwards we did some grocery and I bought the present for my Dad. Ofcource Ricardo wanted to buy a gift for his Dad aswell, he asked his Dad for money. His Dad asked me to buy some food for him and his two kids, marcaroni and a bottle of ketchup. Ricardo got two Euro to spend for the gift for Dad.

We came home with a little bit of food, one wrong bottle of ketchup and a to expensive gift for Ricardo's Dad. Sigh and LOL! His Dad was mad and I went downstairs after Ricardo blamed me for his mistakes, LOL!  I was used to it and I was fine, I know he will be back after his dinner. I will show him the new schedule when he comes. We have some new residents among us, and they like to cook, specially in the weekends. They always ask me to join them or they ask other residents. I refused a few times, thinking of that I have to do something to for a return. That's fine with me but my budget is very low, and the two new residents (man and wife) have double income. Today they insist that I would join them, so I did. It was nice sitting with each other, some other residents joined us aswell. 

"Maybe we could put every weekend 1 Euro 50 together and cook a meal together", said a resident. That's a good idea. While we had our dinner Ricardo came in the kitchen aswell and I hugged him. Being with many people makes Ricardo nerves then he becomes naughty and wants to tease. I knew it will get outta hand after a while, some residents got annoyed so I brought him upstairs after the dinner. Knowing already that I will be the bad man again, and that Ricardo will insult me on our way didn't do much to me, he's been naughty recently. Almost upstairs he tried to punch me, but I stopped him just in time, "Stop!" I told him and brought him further in his room. I spoke to his Dad for a while and went downstairs, turned on the laptop and made me a nice cuppa tea. 

Another day had ended, I totally forgot to show Ricardo the new schedule, ah! Tomorrow will do too. Here's a little peek.....


R's schedule.


Monday: is a working day for Sjon. No spending time.  (Insert sad face)  *
Tuesday: is a working day for Sjon. No spending time.  (Insert sad face) *
Wednesday: is Sjon's day off. 2 hours I will spend. (Insert happy face) *
Thursday: is a working day for Sjon. No spending time.  (Insert sad face) *
Friday: is Sjon's day off. 2 hours I will spend. (insert happy face)  *
Saturday: Weekend! 2 hours I will spend. (insert happy face) *
Sunday: Weekend! 1 hour I will spend. (Insert happy face) *

* Time is flexible.


Now these hours may look like much but I assure you they are lots less then I spent time with Ricardo in the past. See you tomorrow bloggers and readers, love ya"ll!

Into each life some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary.

"Into each life some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary."


Rainy weekend ahead of us, it's Friday eve' and almost 9:00 pm when I'm writting this post, and it's already raining. We need the rain and it's fine with me, laptop infront of me and on my right side a hot cuppa coffee. I'm all good tonight, most of the grocery for the comming week is inside my room. Tomorrow I will do the rest, it's just a little bit what I still need. I did the laundry this morning early, but the dryer was broken I noticed later. I shuffed it all in the dryer, pushed some buttons and walked away. Usually I let the dryer spin twice, but after two times spinning my clothes were still wet. I decided to take the drying-rack and putted in my room, and hang my clothing. I could have left the rack there by the dryer and hang my clothing but sometimes it's possible that some of the clothing can be stolen, insane I know, but it happens. 


So here I am writting this post with behind me the drying-rack full of clothing, it's all fine with me. It's all safe here, better to take no risk. Were getting storm this weekend the forecast pronounced, we just will see, it's very normal to take the Dutch weather forecast not that serious. For the same reason we can all sit outside in the baking sun this weekend, you never know. I didn't do much today, I helped moving some furniture from the second floor to the third floor. Were getting new residents, a family this time. A woman and her 11 year old Daughter they told me, I think I already saw the woman but not the Daughter. I'm sure I will see them these following days. People come and go here at Humanitas, and that's a good thing. I need to go someday too. 


I'm actually working on it, searching online and looking in newspapers, it's about time. Everything else is in order, only a job and a place for my own and I'm done. I will miss it a bit here though, just like the other residents shout sometimes, "I would be so happy when I'm outta here, this is all rubbish, I'm going nuts!" But somehow I'm sure they will miss things here aswell. I have people here where I get along with well, but they won't become good friends, there absolute just not my type. Thinking of it now, makes me consider if I will ever see them again when I live on my own. Who knows, right? Thinking of living on my own again makes me a little bit nerves, but I guess that's normal. It's a next step in my procces, the challenge makes me wanna go for it, but still a bit that anxious feeling. It will all come in time, I'm not scared. 

I should have an appointment last week with me (stand-in) counselor Sandra, (Paula is on vacation) but she got sick. She prolly will return next week Tuesday or Wednesday, I'm looking forward to a next appointment, cause it's been a while. I like to have everything in order, so far it's all good, only a few things I like to have settled. And I could use a little peptalk, that's always good, even when you think it's not needed. Guess who came by today... Yup, Ricardo came into my room cause he had to wait for his Father. He was quit nerves I could tell, cause he had to go to the dentist to pull a tooth. (aaww!) After 15 minutes his Father waited for him outside and Ricardo took off. Nerves! 


After an hour he came back, right away from Dad's car to my room. Ricardo couldn't speak that much and sorry but, it was quit funny how he spoke. Blame the little cotton thing in his mouth for bleeding and how he held his neck stiff, like he had a huge operation, it was so cute! He showed me the pulled tooth aswell, yikes! Sometimes I can't stand blood or things like pulled teeth, But Ricardo was proud of his tooth. He was a bit hectic and I told him to calm down, cause he just got back from the dentist. He wanted to eat dinner with me, but I had to sent him to his Dad. It's nice with him but he has to be aware that he can't be with me 24 hours a day. 


After dinner he came back for a short while, I didn't expect it cause he was mad at me cause of not eating with him. We spend time with each other and I sent him upstairs after an hour, His Dad went to the shop and just got back while we were walking to there room. Ricardo wanted again to come with me to my room, but I had to say no. Enough is just enough, I think a few hours a day is more then enough. He's so difficult when he doesn't wanna leave my room or when I don't wanna spend time with him. It makes me nerves aswell but I have to bee tough on him then, and tell him why I don't wanna spend time with him now or that he has to go to his own room now. So far it's all going fine, it's a good lesson for me aswell, learn to say no and speak up. Even when it's with a child.

"I get up, I fall down. But I just keep dancing!"

"I get up, I fall down. But I just keep dancing!"

A nice day, work was nice, it was busy but it went fine. I'm actually thinking to get me some work in the wood section. Me with a metal background and some welding diploma's? Yeah,why not? It will be a bit tough though in the hay fever season, but still, why not? I think I will ask my Boss up comming Monday what he thinks about it, I think? I will! Alot was going on at work today, there was this argue going on with two workers and the one who started the argue throwed his tools on the floor and left. I'm sure he will be back Monday. Sometimes there acting just like kids, one worker had to go to another section in the factory, moving from his section to another section. He could do the same work, but only to another hall, he refused! I really didn't see the problem why he didn't want to move, but okay.

Sometimes a worker doesn't want to work together with another worker, or a worker doesn't want to this or that kinda work, they then come with really louzy comments. Some workers who work at Reha need guidings in there lifes, like taking care of themselves. They really look healthy and can cope many things, but sometimes they just need that extra little help or that extraa little push. But not all workers are like that at Reha, some workers like me have been out off rotation a long time, they need to get used to that routine again. Early up and get ready for work, go to work and get back that routine. I'm still amazed that I like my work, and like my routine. I had that routine for years while I still had jobs, it was kinda boring after so many years always the same routine, untill I became jobless in 2003.

The first five months was nice being jobless, cause I had my thyroid issues, I became sick and the docters were trying to help me getting my thyroid better. But without succes, my thyroid isn't working anymore, the medication I had then and still have take over the work what a thyroid should do. I will never get a 100% good working (fake) thyroid because of the medication. And that's fine, I'm feeling okay but I just have not much energy, I get tired sooner and faster then other people. After the five months I was getting another routine, a so called 'taking it easy' routine. Cause I really needed to take it easy with things. I had my householdings and I had other things to do, I was pretty sick that time aswell. I learned that I had to write my chores  down what needed to be done and ofcource other things like for example appointments. 

I wrote them all down and spreaded them over the week. "Monday I will do this and then the Tuesday I will be doing that. And on Thursday I can do perhaps that, oh wait! I have a appointment on Thursday! Then I will do that on a Friday." I was pretty serious writting these chores down, it may sound silly, but it really helped. It helped me aswell clear my busy head, like getting things in order, or when you think you have SO much to do, but if you write them all down it didn't even seem so much. After I felt a bit better the writting became a bit less, still now I do some writting sometimes but not as much as then. It can become a pretty mess sometimes in my head, specially now with all the mail and what all has to be arranged. Then it's easy to write my chores or other important things down. 

Further with this wet Thursday, yeah it rained pretty hard this day. It's nice though to watch the rain, and even sometimes to go trough it. Jump on your bike and get wet! Or just walk, you might even dance in the rain. I really gonna do that one day, here in this street where Humanitas stands is a perfect place to dance in the rain like Gene Kelly did in the movie 'Singing in the rain.'  A nice long street with on the left side and aswell right side antique house, or how do you call them. 

I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain. What a glorious feelin' I'm happy again. I'm laughing at clouds so dark up above, The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love, 

Let the stormy clouds chase, Everyone from the place come on with the rain. I've a smile on my face, I walk down the lane, with a happy refrain. Just singin', singin' in the rain. Dancin' in the rain, dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah. I'm happy again! I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain!

Alright I'm drifting of here! After my work I went straight to the free dinner, it took a while till we got served cause the brocoli wasn't ready to eat yet. There were fresh from the store and they had to be cooked, nothing better then fresh food. The brocoli got served with potatoes and a sausage, It was quit a plate full but I finnished it. Ricardo was standing outside on his socks waiting for someone when I arrived at the Humanitas gate, He told me there is this girl comming for his Dad and he had to guide her to her Dad's room. (hmm, sounds a bit...akward) I told him okay, and I hugged him. Then he told me just before I wanted to go inside that he was sorry about yesterday. I went to him again and hugged him again and kissed his head, "It's alright," I told him.

Knowing Ricardo and his behaviour it means alot if he say's sorry to someone. It's actually the third time he said sorry to me, and every time he said it after a day he been naughty or bad to me. Bless him! I really hope there's a bright and nice future ahead of him. I went upstairs and took a shower with the last energy I had left from this day, it felt good and then it was time to do some relaxing with a nice cuppa coffee! When it started to rain again, I thought, "Ah, nice rain, perfect timing, when you don't have to go anywhere." I thought of singing in the rain but I just sung in the shower, maybe next time!