It's time to man up and focus on Holland!
But it's not easy, I got to stop whining and feeling bad, it doesn't change the situation, it makes it only worse! I will slowly try this, and I think that is what the Family wants from me aswell. If I walk around with a sad or mad face they will think to them selves, "Yeah, help yourself, we are moving on." I feel slightly a challenge going back to Holland, but it will be tough! I talked to Saf a bit today about my plan to go back to Holland on Sunday or Monday, and she said "Okay," (I think) I was nerves that she wouldn't accept it with me going on a Sunday or Monday.
Her Daughter is coming this Friday, and Saf wanted me 'out' before she comes. She is now here to spend the weekend. So, I think when I go on Sunday, it will be alright. Cause she is here now too and I'm still sleeping in my room, a few days more or less will be okay. I'm going and that's what Saf wants, we both need to move on. Today was good, (Gotta stay positive! LOL), Saf was friendly and that was a surprise, cause last night Saf wanted cerely but the celery was frozen. My bad, cause I putted the cerely in the wrong fridge.
Saf came back from her night shift, and I offered to help out to get the kids to school. It was only the 13 year old and Tammy's daughter, the other kids are still in Hamilton at there Dad's. Piece of cake, and I told Saf to go to bed. After they got off to the school bus, I putted my coat and snow boots on, and decided to go for a walk. I went to the local supermarket, to buy some cerely! I wanted to suprice Saf with new fresh cerely. I bought two actually, and a Reese chocolate bar, her favorite. Why am I doing this? cause I felt bad about last night, I screwed up and I bought this for her.
When I got back I hanged the bag of cerely at her door, but (damn) she woke up. She told me half awake "What are you doing, what is in the bag?" She looked at me like I was doing something silly. I went off and she went back to sleep, I don't even think she saw the bag, she was half asleep. Saf woke up later, and was happy with the cerely, she thanked me, and went downstairs. Today the three and seven year old come back from there dad's, Ab and Tasn. We did a bit of cleaning and had a nice dinner afterwards. The kids came back after dinner, around 7:00, and the 15 year old (Noor) and her girlfriend went back to Hamilton.
It was good to see Tasn, the seven year old again, it's been a while. Ab, the three year old was tired and grumpy. It was a long ride for both of them. I missed Tasn, I really hope I get alot of time with her the last six or seven days. Tonight was a bit hectic with the kids, cause they probably had a sleep in the car while driving to Barrie. They were awake and not ready to sleep, and Saf needed to go to work. I offered to help and told Saf, "I will keep an eye on them untill Cle comes back. (she was out) Saf replied, "Okay." I told Saf, "When Cle comes back I will take care of Tasn and then Ab can go downstairs with Cleo.
When Cle came back she took them both downstairs for there sleep. Sigh! I looked so forward to put Tasn to sleep, I haven't seen the sweetheart for four days.But oh well, tomorrow perhaps another day.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
"Horoscopes."
Here is your Today's Aquarius Horoscope:
All the good work you've been doing hasn't gone unnoticed. You'll find that out soon. In the meantime, keep on plugging. The worst that can happen is that you'll overindulge this weekend. Imagine that -- you, doing such a thing?
No not really, anyway, on with this day. 32 days already after our break up, I think it's time to go back, back to Holland. Am I ready? Yes and no, I would like to have a few days before I actually leave. I think ít's called prepairing yourself. I think next week on this time I will be flying. Almost sure. How do I feel at the moment? well, a bit better then yesterday, yesterday was a bad day. It's still though and hard suffering with a break up and I'm longing for some love. This week I will prepair myself, I would love a nice goodbye, not a goodbye like, "Well, thanks for all, and bye then." Someone had a little karaoke party for me in mind, I hope that goes trough.
It's almost unbelievable how many friends Saf and I made here in Canada. The people are extreme nice here and friendly, what a difference with Holland. In Holland there not that open. I learned alot here. I had a good sleep and woke up at 9:00, I made myself breakfast and took it upstairs. Went on the computer and checked my mails. A surprising email from the guy who had a place for me in my hometown, (woot) I had not heard from him for a few weeks, I almost gave up on him. He told in his mail, that he still hasn't moved from his ex, that will happen in February hopefully. I told him I found a couple somewhere else but....
...I asked him to keep me informed. I would like to have more options to stay with someone, my hometown is closer to me and I know what's going on there. I have so much to arrange when I go back. Maybe it's a good thing aswell, cause it will keep my mind of Saf and the kids for a while, but I will sure not forget them, they have a place in my heart! My plan was today to do some stuff and not just sit around and feel or think bad. After my Lunch I went for a long walk to the beach, the weather was nice, cold but sunny. It was a long walk and I was tired afterwards. When I came home Saf was up aswell, she was busy with hanging some racks.
Cleo had some friends over and were laughing and dancing. Saf talked to me and asked for some help. All was good. Although it's all good, I still have that love/hate feeling towards Saf, I'm sure that will vanish soon. I need to be positive, and move on. A friend on Facebook commented on one of my statuses, she said "Onward and upward". First I didn't know what it meant but after asking her I knew. It means, move forward in life and to a higher/better place. Sounds positive, right? I will keep it in mind! I'm getting alot of nice messages, it's a nice feeling that they care. In time I will get through this and will be able to look back and appreciate the lessons I have learned.
It will make me a better person with more to offer in another relationship when the time comes. It will be a long path, but I will walk it, step by step. The girls had planned a movie afternoon today, some girls are actually going to the movies and some are just going to watch a video. I took a shower and felt fresh and shiny. Did some dishes, and made myself dinner. One more thing, Celery does not go in the fridge, at least not in our fridge. We have two fridges, one in the kitchen and one in the garage. The fridge in the garage is double so cold, and yeah if you put celery in that fridge, the celery will freeze. Why am I telling this? cause I screwed up again, I putted the new just bought celery in that fridge, and Saf went mad.
My bad! Sigh! I feel bad! will I ever learn. I will make it up with her tomorrow...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
"If you realized how powerfull your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought"
"If you realized how powerfull your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought"
It was a long night, I went to bed around 2:30 and the others a bit later. It was all good, cause the kids were in Hamilton. Only Tammy's Daughter was here but okay, she's fine, Mom was there when she needed her. It worries me still to go back to Holland, facing my Dad again, and my Aunt and Uncle. I hope I don't get a speech, with them saying, "See, you should have listen to us, what were you thinking of going to Canada and leave your Dad behind." Sigh!
I need to prepair myself of going back there, and I'm already feeling bad and sad about the break up, and it will be surely tough starting all over again. Where do I even start? Thinking of all that makes me want to stay in Canada, but it slightly feels aswell as a challenge to go back. A challenge to start over and proof people that I can do it. Although it seems impossible, still it's far, far away in my thoughts.
I woke up at 7:30, turned around and slept again, LOL, there was no reason to get up. Around 9:00 I woke up again and then got up. First checking my mail on the computer. There was not much to check, only a few You Tube mails. I made some breakfast quietly cause I didn't wanna wake up the other people, or Tammy's Daughter, I didn't feel like taking care of her now,I'm not in the mood. I took my breakfast upstairs and spend some time on the computer.
I had a bit the same feeling like last night, feeling unwanted, or not a part of the Family. The Family sure moves on, with laughter and there harmony is huge, even huger then it already was. It makes me think. I really got to stop thinking, thinking bad things. I would love to be a part of the Family again, I see a role for my self in this Family. Being a Father and a Husband, and a working man who is sometimes home and sometimes at work, and no more whining for attention towards Saf. Oh how I sometimes wish!
It annoys me to see them like that. It's hard, but I can't blame them, were all moving along, right? Around 10:00 Tammy's daughter knocked on my door and asked for food. I told her that she has to ask her Mother for that, she went to her Mom (who was sleeping) and she came back in 10 seconds. "My Mom said yes,", sigh! "Okay, okay," I thought and took her downstairs and made her breakfast. She watched some TV, and I went in the basement to get my laptop. (one of the girls left it there, as always)
After an hour the little girl went upstairs to get a blanket, after 10 minutes she still wasn't back and I went upstairs to my room for a nap, it was needed, I wasn't in the mood for anything. I woke up by the sound of laughter and loud voices, the girls woke up. This was just NOT my day, so different then a few days ago. I just feel bad, the thoughts are running trough my head, "Saf doesn't want me anymore, she throws me out, the family is complete now without me, I can go, just like that". There are all bad thoughts.
I heard from downstairs, that there going out for a little while. There going to the laundry mat or something, Tammy, Saf and Cleo. Sigh,what a day. Ofcource they going to have fun, and laughter, I'm longing for laughter too. It was time for dinner, and Cleo's friend and I prepaired some pasta and meat. It went okay, you know... having things to do makes you think of other things. I should do that more often, do things, instead of thinking all day.
Saf, Cleo, and Tammy came back with some grocery and lots off other stuff. Sometimes I think, "Where do they do it all from? Did they won a lottery or something?" I shouldn't be mentioning what one of the reason was that Saf broke up with me. But doing it anyway, one thing she told me was, "I can't afford you anymore."Now take a look at the first line of this alinea, it makes me just think. (I'm sorry) I know a big Family needs big grocery and stuff, but why do I have to go? Am I really that expensive? Please let this day end!
I felt a bit better after dinner. It so much better to think positive, but that's an easy saying, right? I just had a bit of a meltdown today, and that's very normal. It was time for Saf's night shift, she looks good, and she is happy she lost some weight, I'm happy for her. She asked me about my Aunt before she went to work, I told her, "No message yet, soon they will message me." I drunk a beer after she went. and went to bed early, I was tired.
It was a long night, I went to bed around 2:30 and the others a bit later. It was all good, cause the kids were in Hamilton. Only Tammy's Daughter was here but okay, she's fine, Mom was there when she needed her. It worries me still to go back to Holland, facing my Dad again, and my Aunt and Uncle. I hope I don't get a speech, with them saying, "See, you should have listen to us, what were you thinking of going to Canada and leave your Dad behind." Sigh!
I need to prepair myself of going back there, and I'm already feeling bad and sad about the break up, and it will be surely tough starting all over again. Where do I even start? Thinking of all that makes me want to stay in Canada, but it slightly feels aswell as a challenge to go back. A challenge to start over and proof people that I can do it. Although it seems impossible, still it's far, far away in my thoughts.
I woke up at 7:30, turned around and slept again, LOL, there was no reason to get up. Around 9:00 I woke up again and then got up. First checking my mail on the computer. There was not much to check, only a few You Tube mails. I made some breakfast quietly cause I didn't wanna wake up the other people, or Tammy's Daughter, I didn't feel like taking care of her now,I'm not in the mood. I took my breakfast upstairs and spend some time on the computer.
I had a bit the same feeling like last night, feeling unwanted, or not a part of the Family. The Family sure moves on, with laughter and there harmony is huge, even huger then it already was. It makes me think. I really got to stop thinking, thinking bad things. I would love to be a part of the Family again, I see a role for my self in this Family. Being a Father and a Husband, and a working man who is sometimes home and sometimes at work, and no more whining for attention towards Saf. Oh how I sometimes wish!
It annoys me to see them like that. It's hard, but I can't blame them, were all moving along, right? Around 10:00 Tammy's daughter knocked on my door and asked for food. I told her that she has to ask her Mother for that, she went to her Mom (who was sleeping) and she came back in 10 seconds. "My Mom said yes,", sigh! "Okay, okay," I thought and took her downstairs and made her breakfast. She watched some TV, and I went in the basement to get my laptop. (one of the girls left it there, as always)
After an hour the little girl went upstairs to get a blanket, after 10 minutes she still wasn't back and I went upstairs to my room for a nap, it was needed, I wasn't in the mood for anything. I woke up by the sound of laughter and loud voices, the girls woke up. This was just NOT my day, so different then a few days ago. I just feel bad, the thoughts are running trough my head, "Saf doesn't want me anymore, she throws me out, the family is complete now without me, I can go, just like that". There are all bad thoughts.
I heard from downstairs, that there going out for a little while. There going to the laundry mat or something, Tammy, Saf and Cleo. Sigh,what a day. Ofcource they going to have fun, and laughter, I'm longing for laughter too. It was time for dinner, and Cleo's friend and I prepaired some pasta and meat. It went okay, you know... having things to do makes you think of other things. I should do that more often, do things, instead of thinking all day.
Saf, Cleo, and Tammy came back with some grocery and lots off other stuff. Sometimes I think, "Where do they do it all from? Did they won a lottery or something?" I shouldn't be mentioning what one of the reason was that Saf broke up with me. But doing it anyway, one thing she told me was, "I can't afford you anymore."Now take a look at the first line of this alinea, it makes me just think. (I'm sorry) I know a big Family needs big grocery and stuff, but why do I have to go? Am I really that expensive? Please let this day end!
I felt a bit better after dinner. It so much better to think positive, but that's an easy saying, right? I just had a bit of a meltdown today, and that's very normal. It was time for Saf's night shift, she looks good, and she is happy she lost some weight, I'm happy for her. She asked me about my Aunt before she went to work, I told her, "No message yet, soon they will message me." I drunk a beer after she went. and went to bed early, I was tired.
Friday, January 7, 2011
"One can go a long way after one is tired"
"One can go a long way after one is tired"
Tired, tired and tired, everyone was tired and sleeping. It was time to get the kids ready for school. I stood up and woke up Saf and Tasn her 7 year old daughter, then I went quietly downstairs. There was alot to do in the kitchen but I took it easy. I need more sleep. After fifteen minutes I woke up Saf again, and told her "It's 7:45, it's time for the kids to get up." Saf told them and after five minutes the kids came downstairs. Cleo was already up cause she needs a ride to her babysitting job, Mom is riding her. I felt okay but I was nervous about the money what I still need for the flight. I didn't check my mail yet, maybe I'm to nervous to look. I made the kids lunch and putted the Tasn in clothing. coat, gloves, boots and snow pants ready. And off they went.
Saf went off too with Cleo. I stayed alone for a little while with Ab, Saf's 3 year old plus Tammy's 4 year old. I was brave enough to open up my laptop and checked my mail. Nothing, only the couple where I'm staying sent me a mail, asking me If I didn't send my photo's yet. I did, I answered them back, and they apologized cause they weren't so good with computers. I sent a mail aswell to my Aunt cause time was running. I need money, although I'm horrible in asking money, I must. They sent me a mail back and they said "We are going to your Dad tomorrow, cause he needs grocery aswell, you will get a mail from us about the money". Sigh! Nerves, LOL. My Aunt warned me not to come this weekend, cause they can't then. LOL, I thought,
If I book a flight now right away, I still need to wait three or four days, it's not going that fast. My Aunt's plan is to pick me up from the train station, and drive to my Dad first to say hello.(yikes!) And then drive to the couple where I'm staying. Thinking of 'that' gives me the creeps, it feels that everything is going so fast now, so you are here with Saf and the kids and then suddenly your at your Dads place. I know I'm not so well with my dad at the moment. My Dad wasn't that happy when I left, he rather saw me staying in Holland. Although he liked when Saf and Ab came to Holland. He was happy when we visited him and sad when we left, specially after when we left for good, that was the last time I saw him. That was October 2009.
When we got back in Canada, I promised him a few times that we will be back for a visit. But money problems screwed it up. My Dad never understood internet. Emails were hard to read for him, he just wanted to see me and speak to me, and not trough a computer or postcards. I will be dead nervous to see him again, if I could avoid it,I would, I'm not ready yet. Silly me.
Saf came back and went for a nap, she took Ab with her. Everyone was asleep and I needed sleep aswell. But I didn't cause the 3 year old was already up again. Oh well, maybe later.Writing on my blog kept me long on the computer. Saf woke up and had plans to go to Goodwill and took one of the girls with her, cause she had something to pick up somewhere.
Just before the kids came from School Saf came back. It was a long day for her, driving and arranging things. Saf was getting the kids ready for a long drive to Hamilton, the kids are going to there Dad's place. Mar the 13 year old was going to a party and promised me to come back around 10:30. Saf just left with the kids. When she returns from Hamilton Noor her 15 year old Daughter will be with her. For how long, I don't know. I made a easy dinner with Tammy's Daughter, pasta with some veggies and cheese. She ate the whole bowl, and as dessert we had banana pudding. Actually Saf and I were planning today that we wanted to go to a record store in Barrie, they are interested and want to have a look at my cd's and records. But Saf and I cancelled it cause it was a busy day for her. Maybe tomorrow.
I had to chancel aswell my staying place at Sharon's friend, cause Saf and I decided differently, you know. Saf's friend wasn't so happy cause she arranged some things for my staying. I explained to her why I made this decision. I got to think of myself aswell, what's best for me, I apologized to her. We both had a nice talk. Saf's friend didn't like Saf's behaviour towards me after our break up, and she talked to Saf about it a few days ago. I didn't like that so much but the conversation had already happened. She told Saf that I came from a quiet and solitude environment, and came into a chaotic house and got into fatherhood instantly, and that if I had a melt down every now and then, so be it. She told her "I would have gone nuts." I understood and agree with every word she said.
And she's right but, this is now, and I need to stay positive, Saf is nice at the moment and I'm happy with that. She helps out, and I do everything I can. That's good for me. Funny thing Saf's friend said was, "I don't want your last days here to be sad and unhappy, lets go out with a celebration, next Thursday we will have a 'going away party' for you here in Mississauga". I'm up for it! Saf came home and sat with the other girls, she pored some wine for us and watched later Austin powers with Tammy and Cleo. I went upstairs with my wine and cheese, and finished this post. When she sat with the girls I missed her, she looks so beautifull
Thursday, January 6, 2011
"We never know the worth of water 'til the well is dry".
"We never know the worth of water 'til the well is dry".
Feeling empty and sad, the days are going so fast, soon I will be returning home. Imagining this makes me worried, and sad. I don't like goodbyes, at the moment I don't even want to leave, but I have too. I hope Holland has something good for me in store. Last night at 3:00 am, the Ab woke me up, he screamed and cried for his Mom, I putted some clothing on and went to him. He was in Mom's room, Mom was working. Mar the 13 year old was there aswell, half asleep.
She complained that she couldn't sleep cause of the crying of the 3 year old. She suppose to look after the 3 year old but okay. I decided to take him downstairs to Cleo, cause he wouldn't stop crying. He loves sleeping with Cleo. Everything was good again while I putted him there next to her, then I returned back to bed. I get sometimes nice messages on Facebook, sweet messages with tips and advices. I think I'm gonna write some of them down here in this post....
"You have many friends, but there truly never gone, they will be with you for the rest of your life."
"Some things are just not destined to be forever, and that is hard to accept."
"It is a hard road you are going to be walking along - but remember the positive - how many men never have the joy of hearing kids call them daddy - and if it is meant to be that you live in Canada - then it will all work out."
"The feelings you are having are quite normal - you made many changes in your life and right now I am sure you feel that you have been taken advantage of - I would if it were me - but I am sure that is not the case. Your feelings will continue to roller coaster until you have some time and with that time will come perspective.
"Never lose sight of all that you have gained - you had the opportunity to be be a daddy to some kids who really needed a positive role model. You will forever be in their hearts. And you have had the opportunity to live in 'paradise."
Saf's friend came along to pick up her up for a hospital visit. The friend's grandma is laying in the hospital. Saf's friend asked me about the re-locating message I wrote on Facebook. She commented on my status and was surprised I was going to re-locate. She was confused if I was going home or not. I told her that I was going home and explained a few things about my returning.
It surprised me that she talked about it so open. She talked aswell about her Husband, how 'he' stayed home and watched the kids for years, while she was working. It made me think, cause, was I not the one who stayed home aswell and watched the kids while Saf was working? I thought "Why can't I keep doing that." I know that that's not an option cause there was more going on with us, and Saf has five kids and her friend has two. It just made me think.
The day went on and the day was friendly. Usually I wake up wit a sad and empty feeling, when I wake up in the morning and turn on the light I sometimes say to myself "No, it's not a dream, I'm really going back". The people where I'm going to stay in Holland asked for some information from my side, they asked me if I had 'Hyves', (that's a site like Facebook but then in Dutch.) I said "No, but I can send you some pictures from myself". And so I did.
I went later today for a walk, to the BMO bank to see if I had some money, I had to get out of the house to get some air. Although people are being friendly I just needed some air. It was a long walk and I was tired. The bank didn't gave money. I went on with my walk returning home. Saf was going to McDonald's with the kids when I arrived, and I stayed home and took a shower.
I had a few nice talks with Saf today. One of the talks involved me staying with Saf's friend (That is my plan, before Saf's daughter comes back) Saf didn't like it that much me staying at her friends house. I interrupted her, and said "What I really wish for is, that you take me to the airport instead me taking a taxi from your friends house and the taxi drives me to the airport, that would be a nicer goodbye." Saf agreed.
Saf replied and said "But, I don't want you to delay things, like when it's April and your still here, and you have excuses." I said, "No! that's sure not my plan, I want to go home and I need to go home, right? I can't stay here cause we are over and I'm illegal here." Although I sounded rough the way we talked felt comfy, and the feeling that she helps me out does me good. The evening came and everyone did there thing, I have plans to look trough my clothing and see what can go. My suitcases are full! and some clothing has to go, Goodwill is a good option.
Before going to bed Saf offered me a beer. It was a nice evening with here and there some jokes. I know it's over between Saf and me, and we both need to move on. Keeping in touch and remain friends is my goal.
Feeling empty and sad, the days are going so fast, soon I will be returning home. Imagining this makes me worried, and sad. I don't like goodbyes, at the moment I don't even want to leave, but I have too. I hope Holland has something good for me in store. Last night at 3:00 am, the Ab woke me up, he screamed and cried for his Mom, I putted some clothing on and went to him. He was in Mom's room, Mom was working. Mar the 13 year old was there aswell, half asleep.
She complained that she couldn't sleep cause of the crying of the 3 year old. She suppose to look after the 3 year old but okay. I decided to take him downstairs to Cleo, cause he wouldn't stop crying. He loves sleeping with Cleo. Everything was good again while I putted him there next to her, then I returned back to bed. I get sometimes nice messages on Facebook, sweet messages with tips and advices. I think I'm gonna write some of them down here in this post....
"You have many friends, but there truly never gone, they will be with you for the rest of your life."
"Some things are just not destined to be forever, and that is hard to accept."
"It is a hard road you are going to be walking along - but remember the positive - how many men never have the joy of hearing kids call them daddy - and if it is meant to be that you live in Canada - then it will all work out."
"The feelings you are having are quite normal - you made many changes in your life and right now I am sure you feel that you have been taken advantage of - I would if it were me - but I am sure that is not the case. Your feelings will continue to roller coaster until you have some time and with that time will come perspective.
"Never lose sight of all that you have gained - you had the opportunity to be be a daddy to some kids who really needed a positive role model. You will forever be in their hearts. And you have had the opportunity to live in 'paradise."
Saf's friend came along to pick up her up for a hospital visit. The friend's grandma is laying in the hospital. Saf's friend asked me about the re-locating message I wrote on Facebook. She commented on my status and was surprised I was going to re-locate. She was confused if I was going home or not. I told her that I was going home and explained a few things about my returning.
It surprised me that she talked about it so open. She talked aswell about her Husband, how 'he' stayed home and watched the kids for years, while she was working. It made me think, cause, was I not the one who stayed home aswell and watched the kids while Saf was working? I thought "Why can't I keep doing that." I know that that's not an option cause there was more going on with us, and Saf has five kids and her friend has two. It just made me think.
The day went on and the day was friendly. Usually I wake up wit a sad and empty feeling, when I wake up in the morning and turn on the light I sometimes say to myself "No, it's not a dream, I'm really going back". The people where I'm going to stay in Holland asked for some information from my side, they asked me if I had 'Hyves', (that's a site like Facebook but then in Dutch.) I said "No, but I can send you some pictures from myself". And so I did.
I went later today for a walk, to the BMO bank to see if I had some money, I had to get out of the house to get some air. Although people are being friendly I just needed some air. It was a long walk and I was tired. The bank didn't gave money. I went on with my walk returning home. Saf was going to McDonald's with the kids when I arrived, and I stayed home and took a shower.
I had a few nice talks with Saf today. One of the talks involved me staying with Saf's friend (That is my plan, before Saf's daughter comes back) Saf didn't like it that much me staying at her friends house. I interrupted her, and said "What I really wish for is, that you take me to the airport instead me taking a taxi from your friends house and the taxi drives me to the airport, that would be a nicer goodbye." Saf agreed.
Saf replied and said "But, I don't want you to delay things, like when it's April and your still here, and you have excuses." I said, "No! that's sure not my plan, I want to go home and I need to go home, right? I can't stay here cause we are over and I'm illegal here." Although I sounded rough the way we talked felt comfy, and the feeling that she helps me out does me good. The evening came and everyone did there thing, I have plans to look trough my clothing and see what can go. My suitcases are full! and some clothing has to go, Goodwill is a good option.
Before going to bed Saf offered me a beer. It was a nice evening with here and there some jokes. I know it's over between Saf and me, and we both need to move on. Keeping in touch and remain friends is my goal.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Your daily Horoscope...
Your daily Horoscope
Tension may build today if you aren't careful about how you use your words, Aquarius. Remember that forces are trying to push you one way and pull you another. You may encourage a focus on the collective while others seem too worried about themselves. Yet another force is calling for outdated remedies and traditional structures that no longer suit your purposes. Blaze your own trail.
Interesting Horoscope today, I was on my hood and spoke every word carefully LOL. naah! just was on my hood. I woke up like usually and looked who was awake. (kids needed to go to school) Saf was up and awake! woot! Cleo was up aswell and Tammy came a bit later. So there was not that much to do.
I made the kids lunches last night. I made myself breakfast and helped out where I could. Saf drove Cleo to her babysitting job and came back later with two bags of grocery. She must be tired. "First some breakfast and then sleep" she said. The three year old went with her.
After my breakfast I putted the dishes in dish soap, and went upstairs on my computer. I confirmed with a place to stay in Holland, yay! There a nice couple living in Almelo (that's 20 minutes from my town) There both in there 40's and they seem nice. I asked them when I can come,cause I still don't have a date when I arrive. "you can come whenever your able too" they said. That's a tiny little relief from my heart. So many things still to arrange though. (sigh) But I'm taking it step by step, I'm trying not to worry here. My next step is to get money for the flight and book it. I think I will be gone here within 2 or 3 weeks, or maybe even sooner, sigh!! It's still unreal, I asked my Aunt if they could ask my Dad again for money, it's so hard to ask but I'm in need! I made a deal aswell with Saf.
She wants to buy my computer and my antique chair. The deal is, Saf will ship some stuff for me to Holland and then she get the computer for free. Sounds like a deal to me. I got 2 bikes, 5 crates of lp's and boxes full of singles, cd's and dvd's, and some garden tools. That's a lot less then I had to ship from Holland to Canada.
Saf was nice today,she even showed me a site with cheap flights to Holland. "It's better to search for round trips, these are alot cheaper" she said. We looked both for some flights. "As soon as I get the money, hopefully in a few days, I want to book the flight with you" I said. "cause your better in it then me". It was time for dinner and we, (Saf and I) were eating with the kids. It was cozy and comfy. I like it this way, I think it will make it easier on us for both.
I noticed something today, I think Saf is thinking that I talk alot with her friends on Facebook, to make her feel bad or for me to win souls, but I'm not. Yes, I talk to a few of them, but they come to me first , and ofcource I'm tempted to talk about the things what's going on, I have non one to talk to in the house, but I'm trying hold myself in. I don't wanna ruin my friends or her friends. Things can be so sensitive to say sometimes.
After dinner I did some dishes and Saf did some other stuff, she even petted my back for a while when I made a little joke, I was surprised and I thought "Huh"? Saf was being friendly, and is showing she cares. I'm not complaining.
I had alot of emails from My Aunt today, explaining me why my Dad is ignorant to me. I asked my Aunt in the morning "Why is my Dad doing so ignorant, I wish he wasn't like that". My Aunt replied "How would you feel, if someone promises you that you come to visit and you don't show up." I replied and said "I know I promised my Dad that I would come over a few times, but I didn't had money for the flights, and Sharon needs her rent-money too" I apologized a few times.
My Aunt will go to my Dad again to ask him what's going on and perhaps asking for the money I need.
Hopefully tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"When I repress my emotion, my stomach keeps score"
"When I repress my emotion, my stomach keeps score"
We have a saying in Holland "Jan is crying, Jan is laughing". It means that someone can change his emotions so fast, one moment he/she is crying and before you know he/she is laughing again. I had that feeling a bit today. 7:20 am, just like yesterday I woke up to get the kids to school, or help out where I can. I went downstairs to see who's awake. I saw Saf on the couch with the laptop on and the TV. I thought "Is she sleeping or is she awake?" I snapped my fingers a few times softly but no response, meaning, she's asleep. I did my things what I planned to do and after 10 minutes Saf woke up and asked me if I can get the kids off to school. "Yeah.. sure" I replied.
I don't mind doing it, I makes me feel good, and knowing that 'they' have to do it when I'm gone,' makes me feel good aswell. Sounds a bit mean but okay. Tasn was hard to wake up, I had to go upstairs a few times. After being upstairs for the 4th time I said to her "If you don't get up now, I will just go to bed and you can help yourself". She came downstairs in 1 minute. She was tired you can tell, it's been a long and busy holiday. Mary got up aswell, and on time, but fell almost asleep just before 8:30. I had to wake her up and tell her "Hey, it's almost time for school". She forgot the time and complained about being tired. Long and busy holiday, sigh! Not good.
My plan is to go to Goodwill this morning. The kids are off to school and the rest of the crew is sleeping, I'm free to go. I need a suitcase and I'm not waiting for Saf to come with me, I asked her a few times, but she doesn't sound so interested, "We will do it later," she says, I can't wait for later. I took the bus from 9:30, and I didn't feel so well, thinking about my 'situation' didn't me make me feel better. When I think about it, I get mad, mad at Saf. How could she break up with me and say, "it's better for you to go home, I want you to move on without me." Does she even realize what she is putting me trough? I understand the break up, but I really hope she knows where I'm going trough now and all the things I have to do to go back to Holland. She might think it's easy, but it's not!
When I went out of the bus I walked over to BMO, to check if I had gotten some money. Nothing! My mood sank deeper and deeper and my (mad) thoughts went worse, ugh! I had to move on, and went to Goodwill for the suitcase. The one I saw last week was still there, yay! I looked at it and looked at a few smaller suitcases. I needed one more small suitcase to take with me in the plane, but I had doubts of which one to choose. To small, to big, I didn't know. Saf knows such things, I'm gonna ask her when I get home. I payed for the big black one and walked to the bus stop, a 20 minute walk is to do with a large suitcase.
I got home and it was busy, everyone woke up. there was lots of talking and the little kids asked if I bought something for them. I said "No, not today". I wasn't in the mood to be in a busy crowd (I was still full of mad thoughts) I took my suitcase and went upstairs on the computer, looking for houses and rooms. I must say the last few days I'm doing good with searching for houses, I got 3 people who have something. there are 2 who still need to confirm and 1 is (hmm) confirmed. Waiting for people to confirm makes me nervous. I wanna get it over with, just, to have a place and book the flight and be gone!
I know it will be hard and though and lots of miss you's, but like a friend told me yesterday "you need to get on it, there's no time to waste". It will be a huge different life when I go back to Holland. I won't miss the hectic here in the house but I will sure miss the kids and Saf. They were the perfect Family but it got a bit out of hand, a bit much! I had totally no experience in a hectic family, I was slowly getting used to it but I went to slow. I didn't talk much to Saf this morning. When I was upstairs packing my new suitcase, (just the clothes what I'm not using) Saf came upstairs aswell. I thought "shall I say something or not"? I was still grumpy at her in my mind. Then I told her "Hey, look at the suitcase I bought."
"Oh, nice, you went to goodwill this morning"? I said "Yes!" "Good for you", she replied. And she went on with what she was doing. I felt like a little kid getting a nice compliment. It didn't felt good. The day went on and I made some lunch at the kitchen table. The kitchen counters were busy, Tam was cooking and Saf helped out. I told her about the search for houses, "I have three places and all three still need to confirm, the waiting makes me nervous".
Saf replied "They probably have work, don't worry about it". She was friendly and nice. SafSaf was putting the 7 year old in bath and cleaned her own room. We both were friendly and had a few jokes. It makes me feel good to get my mind of things so now and then. Perhaps it's better to think positive and be nice and friendly instead of being grumpy and ignorant. Even though I think she was wrong with breaking up with me, and telling me, "You have to go back to Holland."
After the dishes I went for a shower and had dinner with the kids and Saf. Tam's 4 year old Daughter was naughty and wasn't so nice in her sayings, and I could tell that Saf wasn't happy with that. She has a attitude sometimes. I didn't say much about it, I didn't want to get involved in that. Saf wants to talk with Tam about her Daughter's behaviour today, she told that aswell to the Daughter. (kids) It was a long day and I feel okay, I should worry less about the situation where I'm in now, and be more positive. Me being grumpy and feel bad doesn't change things. Like I said before "it is as it is." Make the best of it, and give it a 100(0) procent!
Time for bed!
We have a saying in Holland "Jan is crying, Jan is laughing". It means that someone can change his emotions so fast, one moment he/she is crying and before you know he/she is laughing again. I had that feeling a bit today. 7:20 am, just like yesterday I woke up to get the kids to school, or help out where I can. I went downstairs to see who's awake. I saw Saf on the couch with the laptop on and the TV. I thought "Is she sleeping or is she awake?" I snapped my fingers a few times softly but no response, meaning, she's asleep. I did my things what I planned to do and after 10 minutes Saf woke up and asked me if I can get the kids off to school. "Yeah.. sure" I replied.
I don't mind doing it, I makes me feel good, and knowing that 'they' have to do it when I'm gone,' makes me feel good aswell. Sounds a bit mean but okay. Tasn was hard to wake up, I had to go upstairs a few times. After being upstairs for the 4th time I said to her "If you don't get up now, I will just go to bed and you can help yourself". She came downstairs in 1 minute. She was tired you can tell, it's been a long and busy holiday. Mary got up aswell, and on time, but fell almost asleep just before 8:30. I had to wake her up and tell her "Hey, it's almost time for school". She forgot the time and complained about being tired. Long and busy holiday, sigh! Not good.
My plan is to go to Goodwill this morning. The kids are off to school and the rest of the crew is sleeping, I'm free to go. I need a suitcase and I'm not waiting for Saf to come with me, I asked her a few times, but she doesn't sound so interested, "We will do it later," she says, I can't wait for later. I took the bus from 9:30, and I didn't feel so well, thinking about my 'situation' didn't me make me feel better. When I think about it, I get mad, mad at Saf. How could she break up with me and say, "it's better for you to go home, I want you to move on without me." Does she even realize what she is putting me trough? I understand the break up, but I really hope she knows where I'm going trough now and all the things I have to do to go back to Holland. She might think it's easy, but it's not!
When I went out of the bus I walked over to BMO, to check if I had gotten some money. Nothing! My mood sank deeper and deeper and my (mad) thoughts went worse, ugh! I had to move on, and went to Goodwill for the suitcase. The one I saw last week was still there, yay! I looked at it and looked at a few smaller suitcases. I needed one more small suitcase to take with me in the plane, but I had doubts of which one to choose. To small, to big, I didn't know. Saf knows such things, I'm gonna ask her when I get home. I payed for the big black one and walked to the bus stop, a 20 minute walk is to do with a large suitcase.
I got home and it was busy, everyone woke up. there was lots of talking and the little kids asked if I bought something for them. I said "No, not today". I wasn't in the mood to be in a busy crowd (I was still full of mad thoughts) I took my suitcase and went upstairs on the computer, looking for houses and rooms. I must say the last few days I'm doing good with searching for houses, I got 3 people who have something. there are 2 who still need to confirm and 1 is (hmm) confirmed. Waiting for people to confirm makes me nervous. I wanna get it over with, just, to have a place and book the flight and be gone!
I know it will be hard and though and lots of miss you's, but like a friend told me yesterday "you need to get on it, there's no time to waste". It will be a huge different life when I go back to Holland. I won't miss the hectic here in the house but I will sure miss the kids and Saf. They were the perfect Family but it got a bit out of hand, a bit much! I had totally no experience in a hectic family, I was slowly getting used to it but I went to slow. I didn't talk much to Saf this morning. When I was upstairs packing my new suitcase, (just the clothes what I'm not using) Saf came upstairs aswell. I thought "shall I say something or not"? I was still grumpy at her in my mind. Then I told her "Hey, look at the suitcase I bought."
"Oh, nice, you went to goodwill this morning"? I said "Yes!" "Good for you", she replied. And she went on with what she was doing. I felt like a little kid getting a nice compliment. It didn't felt good. The day went on and I made some lunch at the kitchen table. The kitchen counters were busy, Tam was cooking and Saf helped out. I told her about the search for houses, "I have three places and all three still need to confirm, the waiting makes me nervous".
Saf replied "They probably have work, don't worry about it". She was friendly and nice. SafSaf was putting the 7 year old in bath and cleaned her own room. We both were friendly and had a few jokes. It makes me feel good to get my mind of things so now and then. Perhaps it's better to think positive and be nice and friendly instead of being grumpy and ignorant. Even though I think she was wrong with breaking up with me, and telling me, "You have to go back to Holland."
After the dishes I went for a shower and had dinner with the kids and Saf. Tam's 4 year old Daughter was naughty and wasn't so nice in her sayings, and I could tell that Saf wasn't happy with that. She has a attitude sometimes. I didn't say much about it, I didn't want to get involved in that. Saf wants to talk with Tam about her Daughter's behaviour today, she told that aswell to the Daughter. (kids) It was a long day and I feel okay, I should worry less about the situation where I'm in now, and be more positive. Me being grumpy and feel bad doesn't change things. Like I said before "it is as it is." Make the best of it, and give it a 100(0) procent!
Time for bed!
Monday, January 3, 2011
"Our lives are never certain, not even for an hour".
"Our lives are never certain,not even for an hour".
The kids are going back to school, and it was early up again for most of us. I had a bit of a rough night but okay. The 7 year old couldn't get to sleep, she was watching movies in her room and it was already 11:30, I told her you really need to get some sleep cause you have school tomorrow. The 3 year old was sleeping downstairs with her older sister. Tasn asked me to sleep in Ab's bed so she won't be alone. She's mostly scared in the night and walks of to sleep with someone. I decided to sleep with her, when she was still awake at 12:00. It took a while that we both fell asleep. I woke up around 1:30 am and I saw Tasn next to me snuggled in and was sleeping.
She's the girl I probably will miss the most after Saf. To cute and to adorable, I would have love to see her grow up further .We spend so much time together and seen so many parks, I learned her to ride her bike bit by bit. She's still a bit afraid but that will pass. I love her so much. Saf came back from work after 5 am and was dead tired, blame the long drive from yesterday to Hamilton. When I woke up I helped the kids with getting ready for school, Tam was there aswell and helped her Daughter. Saf went to bed again, to tired. Everything went well. The morning went fast and I was dead tired, I had a pressure on my chest and was almost sleeping behind the laptop.
Saf woke up cause she had plans to go out to pick up a dvd player and some grocery. Tam, Cle and Ab went with them. I was still tired and I needed a second nap. And so I did. Today I felt like I have to make decisions. I still haven't heard back from the guy who has a room for me, I'm thinking, if I don't hear from him this week I will move in for a little while with a friend of Saf. I might go this Saturday. Saf will drive me she said. She's in Mississauga, and offered me a place to stay. I know her from 'karaoke', Saf knows her too. When I'm there I can release my stress and move on with less pressure. Book a flight when I have the money together, and I don't have to be out of the house before the 15th of January at her place.
I know aswell that I can't stay that long but it gives me atleast a bit more time and it will be better for me to be out of the house. I'm slowly getting used to the idea that I'm out of the house probably this next weekend. It's getting so close now, and it will be a different goodbye, cause Saf is bringing me to Mississauga. I slightly confirmed with Saf's friend where I'm gonna stay with for (I think) 2 months. She warned me friendly that I need a plan when I come over, a plan to move as soon as possible to Holland. And she told me I have to pay for my own stuff (food and other expenses) She's was friendly but doesn't have much money, that's why the paying for myself.
I understood everything she said and I respect that. I will have to pay rent aswell ofcource. But nothing is confirmed yet with that guy who has a place for me in Holland, so I will just see what happens this week. I will sure do my best to get things started this week. I will pack and try to sell a few more of my items. Busy week. I asked Saf to come with me for the records that I'm selling, I need a ride to the record store and they will have a look at my records and they will tell me a price. Saf told me "we can go Thursday or Friday, then I have 2 days off" I said "Alright". Saf wasn't so happy because I slept with Tasn, she told me with a loud voice...
"look! If she wakes up (likes she always does) tell her to go to my room, I don't want you to sleep with her" I replied, "I didn't know she had to go to your room, or I just forgot". I didn't had time to explain myself clearer, cause she went on. "I told you so many times, that she has to go to my room then". I ignored her and let her be. Later on in the evening, I asked her "what do I do with Ab, if he wakes up". "Send him then to Cle" she replied. I apologized her for sleeping with Tasn, (we usually did this cause the 2 youngest always wake up in the middle of the night, and wants mommy or daddy. "I didn't like the way that you yelled at me" I told her.
"But you don't seem to understand" she replied. "Yes, I do but last night it was 12:00 and she still was awake, "She wanted someone, so I offered her that I sleep with her," I said. "I'm sorry I yelled, but I just want her to learn that she sleeps by herself" Saf replied. I understood and I said, "Okay". Saf went to work and the kids were awake again, I decided to put them to sleep but after a half hour Ab was naughty, I sent him to Cle, and let the 7 year old watch a movie, she will fall asleep soon then. Tomorrow another day... goodnight..
Sunday, January 2, 2011
"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes".
"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes".
I have slightly good news. A few days ago I putted an add on a Dutch selling site, asking for a place to stay in my hometown. And 1 guy responded on that add. He was short in his sentence, he told me "When are you coming to Holland"? And that was it. I thought it was someone who arranges rooms for students or other people who are looking for rooms. So, I told him my story, knowing he was someone who can be trusted.
A few days later, he replied back and said only "keep me informed". I thought "Who is this guy"? I decided to ask him friendly who he was. He replied back with a story saying, he was divorced last November, and lived in Hellendoorn (that's 10 min. from my hometown) He wants to move by the end of January to my Hometown. He told me I could stay for a few months at his place then. He told me about himself and he's a nice guy.
I will keep contact with the guy, and inform my Aunt about him. I told the news to Saf aswell and she was happy for me. She told me "you should ask the guy when he wants you, cause 15 January my Daughter comes back to live with us". I knew this already, but the so called 'deadline' makes me worried and sad. Saf is nice to me, but it feels like fake. I'm thinking "Saf wants me out before the 15th of January". I'm worried.
But let's not talk to fast, first I want to see what happens with my place to stay. I will do my best to go earlier, but I'm NOT gonna push myself just because she wants me out of that room before the 15th. I got to think of myself awell, the guy who's offering me a place to stay could be my last chance. If he refuses then I'm more further in deep trouble. I know that Saf's children come first for her, and I respect that, but she can't throw me out just like that when her Daughter comes.
So, many things to arrange. It feels like I have a deadline!
I made a plan. (1) This week I will try to confirm with the 'guy' who has a place for me. (2) I want to collect all my belongings and decide what to do with it. Perhaps sell some stuff and the rest ship it overseas. Saf was willing to do that.(3) Get cheap suitcases and start packing. (4) getting my money together and book a flight. Easy right? LOL!
Saf went for a ride to Hamilton to pick up the kids from her ex. Mar went with her. They had a nice afternoon and came back late. Saf did some grocery aswell and some shopping when she was on her way back. Tam was apparently happy to see Saf and went to her for a talk, and another talk, and another talk. It's getting annoying. But I shouldn't be bothered about it cause I'm going home, but I bother, Sigh! I just got to let them be, and I will! I have other things on my mind.
Funny thing is, I know that Noor, Saf's 15 year old daughter is coming the 15th of January and then I have to go cause her room (the one I sleep now) has to be empty and ready for her. I'm worried about myself, but I'm also concerned about Saf and her Daughter, concerned that I wont be out of there before the 15th for her Daughter. I should be more worried about me, worried about my own things. It's all so double.
One thing at the time please...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
"Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right"
"Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right"
The house was quiet when I came downstairs. All asleep ofcource after New years night. I went on the computer and made me a bowl of Cheerios later. The two teenagers were going home today, one teenager left in the morning and the second one followed a few hours later. I guided them out and thanked them for last night. It was 'awesome'.
I had a little plan today. I'm going to clean up a little bit before Saf, Tam and Cle come back. The kitchen will be clean, and I'll do some sweeping here and there. I expected them back in the late afternoon like they told me, cause Saf has a night shift. I was almost done with cleaning and suddenly the front door opened, it was Cleo! They returned, and so early! It was 1:00 pm. (woot!)
They were good and jolly and I asked them if they had a good time, "It was good and we had fun," Saf replied. I asked Saf were they went last night, "Were not telling", said Saf, "we promised each other not to say a word, it's our little secret" I was surprised cause, I thought they went to karaoke, but I saw on the website last night (where the karaoke was), that there was not even a karaoke that night, that was later this day.
So I was curious this morning and last night where they went to. But there lips were sealed. Maybe they went to another karaoke gig. (There were two gigs in Toronto) I was asking to much, LOL. Saf asked me "Did you try to find me, or find out where we were?" I said "No". Oh well, they had a good time and I had a good time, that's all that matters. (still a tiny bit curious though where they went, LOL)
The day went on and Cle had to go to work. (babysitting) Saf drove her and Tam decide to come for the drive. And off they went again. I didn't mind and went on with what I was doing. I decided to make myself dinner, cause I didn't had a proper dinner the last few days. Potatoes, carrots and 2 sausages. Everyone was doing there own stuff, so I did too. Making dinner.
Saf came back late, just before dinner, and I was upstairs behind the computer. Normally I would come downstairs, but naaah, they will be fine, I thought. It was a lazy day and everyone was doing things for themselves, and so did I.
After my dinner, I sat down and watched TV and after an hour I went to Tim Hortons for a 'candy cane hot chocolate', they are so good. That's one of the million things I will miss in Canada. I should make a list what I will miss from Canada when I'm back in Holland.
Early to bed, it was a lazy day.....
The house was quiet when I came downstairs. All asleep ofcource after New years night. I went on the computer and made me a bowl of Cheerios later. The two teenagers were going home today, one teenager left in the morning and the second one followed a few hours later. I guided them out and thanked them for last night. It was 'awesome'.
I had a little plan today. I'm going to clean up a little bit before Saf, Tam and Cle come back. The kitchen will be clean, and I'll do some sweeping here and there. I expected them back in the late afternoon like they told me, cause Saf has a night shift. I was almost done with cleaning and suddenly the front door opened, it was Cleo! They returned, and so early! It was 1:00 pm. (woot!)
They were good and jolly and I asked them if they had a good time, "It was good and we had fun," Saf replied. I asked Saf were they went last night, "Were not telling", said Saf, "we promised each other not to say a word, it's our little secret" I was surprised cause, I thought they went to karaoke, but I saw on the website last night (where the karaoke was), that there was not even a karaoke that night, that was later this day.
So I was curious this morning and last night where they went to. But there lips were sealed. Maybe they went to another karaoke gig. (There were two gigs in Toronto) I was asking to much, LOL. Saf asked me "Did you try to find me, or find out where we were?" I said "No". Oh well, they had a good time and I had a good time, that's all that matters. (still a tiny bit curious though where they went, LOL)
The day went on and Cle had to go to work. (babysitting) Saf drove her and Tam decide to come for the drive. And off they went again. I didn't mind and went on with what I was doing. I decided to make myself dinner, cause I didn't had a proper dinner the last few days. Potatoes, carrots and 2 sausages. Everyone was doing there own stuff, so I did too. Making dinner.
Saf came back late, just before dinner, and I was upstairs behind the computer. Normally I would come downstairs, but naaah, they will be fine, I thought. It was a lazy day and everyone was doing things for themselves, and so did I.
After my dinner, I sat down and watched TV and after an hour I went to Tim Hortons for a 'candy cane hot chocolate', they are so good. That's one of the million things I will miss in Canada. I should make a list what I will miss from Canada when I'm back in Holland.
Early to bed, it was a lazy day.....
"A new year, a same goal." (long post)
"A new year, a same goal."
I stood up around 8:30am and had the idea to go to 'Goodwill' for some cheap suitcases, it was 50% off price today. Everyone was still sleeping, I made some breakfast and a little note for Saf that I'm going out to Goodwill. I didn't feel so well, but I think that's normal when you suffer a break up, with all ups and downs. I miss her so now and then. Holding her hand, her touch, just being with her, the way it was in the beginning.
After I ated my breakfast people started to wake up and Tammy came from work. Tam, Saf and Cle have plans for tonight, they told me they have a 'girls night out' (probably karaoke) and they will be driving to Mississauga and stay over one night. I was disappointed and asked Saf if I could come, cause I wanted one more 'karaoke' night before I go back to Holland.
She refused and said, "I'm not taking you, we decided this already a few days ago". I was upset but understood that they wanted a 'girls night out'. I dealed with it. Today was also the day that we all go out together to the movies, were gonna see 'The little Fockers'. It will be fun.
It was time to go to Goodwill. On my way in the bus I had that feeling "why can't I come to karaoke", I just couldn't get over it. Damn, deal with it, maybe that's why I went out, to get my mind of things. I felt mad, sad, disappointed, I wished that this day will be over soon. I should be happy for her and the others, and I should be happy aswell, DEAL with it! The bus arrived and I took of to Goodwill. It was a long walk but it was worth it. I saw two nice suitcases for a good price. I was planning to buy them but they were to heavy to carry trough the snow all the way to the bus stop, and I didn't wanna damage them. I decided to let them be for now and pick them up later after the movies. And off I went to the bus stop heading home. It was good to be outside.
Saf was still sleeping when I arrived safely home. Soon she will be up cause it's almost time for the movie. And there she woke up after 10 minutes. I took a coffee and Saf went on my laptop. I told her about the suitcases, "We will pick them up after the movies" she said. We both had a little cozy talk, about our break up. It was a nice talk with no angry words, Saf told me something but I forgot the words. It was something like, "I liked you as a friend long before I loved you and I don't want to sacrifice that". Yeah, that was it. She said aswell,"You were in love with me big time" I replied, "Hmm..... okay.... you were too I noticed." We talked further and the issue 'financial support' came along. "Don't start with that, cause it will upset me again" said Saf.
"I understand and I don't wanna upset you," I replied. Today I had some Facebook mails aswell, some were a bit hars but they were honest, and I got the message. They told me that the best option is to go back to Holland as soon as possible and start a new life, as hard as it sounds, they are right! Saf couldn't carry the responsibility anymore and my job or our goal was that I'll be the one who brings in the money in the Family. Being a Father and being a Husband, I said it a few times to myself while I was here the last two years, I even wrote it on a note "be the Father and be the Husband". The note gave me strength. Everything was new for me in Canada, I felt like a little kid who had to learn everything in a relationship sometimes. And I loved her big time! (maybe to much)
I never met a girl like Saf who fell in love with me this big, and she was honest, I could tell! I was so carefull in the beginning of our 'clicking,' just that I was worried that she was just on of those 'fake'girls that I have met a few times. Everything went to fast and I lived in a dream. I never, never wanted to hurt her. I failed hard finding a job, it was so difficult to find a job without a Canadian ID. It was all cash jobs and that didn't bring in much money, but I had to start somewhere. I feel sorry, and I shouldn't have asked for 'financial' support, what was I thinking. like I said I'm totally new in these things. The break up was hard on me, and still is, I couldn't think straight, I took some advices from others but screwed up.
I don't wanna fight or argue anymore but return to Holland with both of us a smile on our face, and tell each other "Hey we had a good time but it didn't work out" and then wish each other the best, and say "keep in touch"! It was time for us to go to the movies. Me, Saf, Mar and her 2 friends were going first, cause we all didn't fit in the car. I had this 'annoying' feeling over me. (I will explain later about this) I wasn't that in the mood, but I went. Saf dropped us of at the mall and we walked down the cassiere to get tickets. Saf gave the money for all of us to buy tickets and I gave the kids snacks. (fair enough)
I was quiet while were taking our places in the theatre. After 15 min. Saf came with Tam, Cle, and her friend. We were sitting in the back and Saf 's crew were sitting in front of us. I was quiet and annoyed, I hate that feeling. The movie started and it was a good movie, the movie made me think aswell. I see likeness with the Fockers, LOL! Me as Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) and Tam as Kevin Rawley (Owen Wilson) and perhaps Grandma as Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro)
Owen Wilson plays the ex from Greg's wife. And he does everything better, overdoes it alot, and is always around where Greg's wife is. It makes me think of Tam. (my bad) Ofcource the movie overdoes it alot, but it just made me think.Tam is always around the family, everyone likes her. I like her too but sometimes I think she's sometimes to much around. It's one of the reason I faill in the things I want to do in the house or do things for to help out, you know, being the Father and the Husband. She does it always better LOL! She's smart and talks with no ending and comments and correct people so now and then. I know she means it good and does everything with love but, I think it's just to much I can handle. Sometimes I think what would have happend if she didn't came in our house. Would it have been better? Maybe it would, I don't know. I always think to myself, specially now, I could have done so much better, cause I know for sure I have it in me, but it's to late.
After the movie we dropped of the teenagers and then Saf, I and Tam went to Goodwill for the suitcases. and guess what! It was closed cause of New Years, it was after 5:00, bad luck! The ride went on and we drove to Mac's for some lottery tickets. Saf and Tam were so much joking around that it became annoying, and I had already that annoying feeling in me. I should have just laugh with them and make jokes aswell, but I just couldn't do it, I didn't had it in me, I was quiet. The thing what annoyed me is that Tam is so much around Saf lately. I shouldn't be bothered about that but, I don't know, it just bothers me, maybe now it feels double cause of the break up. I always wanted Saf to be happy.
But I had it sometimes hard when someone was talking to her to much, it mattered though who she was talking to. I knew it was a wrong, and mostly it didn't bother me, but sometimes, aaarghh! I learned my lesson now! The time came that Saf, Tam and Cle were going out, it was 7:00 pm. Hair straighteners, perfume, make up, it was time to get ready. Me, Mar, and her 2 girlfriends, were planning to go out aswell. (let's call the 2 friends teenagers) The plan was to go 'Downtown', I was looking forward to it, I didn't feel like sitting in the house all night. Mar stayed home with another friend. Saf took off and we did too. We took the bus and it was free to go, yay! It was a pleasant ride and when we arrived we were searching for the party.
But first to the beach, it was nice to watch the water in the dark and we saw some fireworks that suddenly went off. Then we went Downtown, cruisin the streets looking for the party, after cruisin for almost 30 minutes we heard loud music, and there it was! the party!
But I had it sometimes hard when someone was talking to her to much, it mattered though who she was talking to. I knew it was a wrong, and mostly it didn't bother me, but sometimes, aaarghh! I learned my lesson now! The time came that Saf, Tam and Cle were going out, it was 7:00 pm. Hair straighteners, perfume, make up, it was time to get ready. Me, Mar, and her 2 girlfriends, were planning to go out aswell. (let's call the 2 friends teenagers) The plan was to go 'Downtown', I was looking forward to it, I didn't feel like sitting in the house all night. Mar stayed home with another friend. Saf took off and we did too. We took the bus and it was free to go, yay! It was a pleasant ride and when we arrived we were searching for the party.
But first to the beach, it was nice to watch the water in the dark and we saw some fireworks that suddenly went off. Then we went Downtown, cruisin the streets looking for the party, after cruisin for almost 30 minutes we heard loud music, and there it was! the party!
There was a huge stage with a live band, and lots of people, and there was enough to do for us. I was happy and so were the teenagers. Half way trough the night I saw suddenly Tam and I thought "huh?" I looked around for Saf and Cle. They were there too, I asked them "What are you guys, doing here? I thought you guys were going to Mississaga". Saf told me they had dinner first at a sushi bar, and they will be heading of soon.
"We came to have a look at you guys" replied Saf. I though there car broke down or there night out didn't go trough. Saf took off again and wished us a great night. We went on with our own things. It was a nice night with lots of music, autographs, and some food. After 12:00 there was again fireworks and then we decided to go home. The bus wasn't free this time. Our night was good just like we wanted. I knew that Saf was at karaoke and has a good time. But still I thought "I wish I was there", not because of Saf but just to have a nice night with friends and have Karaoke. Karaoke was till 2:00 am and when it was 2:00 am I was happy. Silly me! It was 3:30 am. A nice time to go to bed..
"We came to have a look at you guys" replied Saf. I though there car broke down or there night out didn't go trough. Saf took off again and wished us a great night. We went on with our own things. It was a nice night with lots of music, autographs, and some food. After 12:00 there was again fireworks and then we decided to go home. The bus wasn't free this time. Our night was good just like we wanted. I knew that Saf was at karaoke and has a good time. But still I thought "I wish I was there", not because of Saf but just to have a nice night with friends and have Karaoke. Karaoke was till 2:00 am and when it was 2:00 am I was happy. Silly me! It was 3:30 am. A nice time to go to bed..
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Hopeless...
Hopeless...
I woke up this morning and felt down and lost. I didn't even have the strength to get up, and yeah, what is the reason to get up anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel I gave everything, and I'm tired. I think I just give it a rest today and continue tomorrow. Maybe I will go out. I truly wish Saf showed some interest in the things I do to get back to Holland.
I went out, I grabbed my winter boots, scarf, and winter jacket and went off. When I closed the door, I saw the bus just driving up to the bus stop, I had to run and couldn't even think that if I should go or not, yeah, I had doubts. While sitting in the bus I thought "What am I doing? "should I go back or not?"
The bus went on and on and I was still in doubt, "Should I get of here and walk home?" I went of at Walmart and decided to go to BMO and after that a little breakfast at Tim Hortons, then perhaps Goodwill for suitcases. (I need them) When I went to BMO it didn't give me money, not even 20 Dollar, nothing! Sigh! My mood went further and further down. I decided to go back home! Waiting for the bus took long. Finally the bus came and I asked "Do you take a 20 Dollar bill?" (It's all I head) He said "No, I don't have any change, but I will stop at the Plaza for three minutes, so you can get change." Nice, the bus driver dropped me of and there I went running to a little shop to get the change.
The bus took of again and I went of at the Hospital and went from there walking to the house. When I arrived everyone seemed busy and no one asked where I went. A minute later I saw Saf but she didn't ask anything, not even where I went or just a hello, I wasn't surprised. I made a bowl of cheerios and sat down in the kitchen. After the cheerios I went upstairs and turned on the computer to check my mail. I needed a lay down aswell cause I felt down and felt like crying. I cried a little bit or was it just pretending? I don't know, I guess it was just hard to cry. Why doesn't see just help me or show some interest? I went downstairs for a cup of tea and saw Saf folding laundry, I decided to go to her and tell her where I went, and how it went . Her answer was "Oh nice." She didn't even looked at me when I was talking to her.
I was half in my conversation with her and went quiet for five seconds and then I went upstairs. I mumbled to her softly "I feel like talking to a wall." Again I checked my e-mails and I had a mail from my Aunt, she had a option to stay with my niece, I thought sigh! "Where on earth is this going to end" and I burst out in tears, I cried like a little kid. All the nerves and stress came out from the last few weeks. After thirty minutes I went downstairs again. The kids were watching a video and Saf sat with them, I sat down with them on the floor, I was quiet and was thinking. I wanted to ask her when were going to the record shop to sell my cd's and records, (we talked about this) but I waited for the right time. "After the movie is good" I thought.
And so, the movie ended and then I asked her. She replied "I don't actually feel to go with you, cause I'm still upset, last night I noticed you deleted me aswell from Tasn profile on Facebook (I made once a Tasn FB profile) She was upset and I told her, "There is more in life right now then Facebook Saf." "I know," she said, "but it's so immature of you," I didn't speak cause I was not in the mood, I thought "She's maybe right, I don't know...What a day." And there I went, upstairs again, I packed some things in a box what I didn't need anymore. When I was done with that I made myself lunch and Saf spoke to me and asked me, "Are you mad now?" I answered, "Yes, just a bit." I explained why I was mad and lost the last few days.
I woke up this morning and felt down and lost. I didn't even have the strength to get up, and yeah, what is the reason to get up anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel I gave everything, and I'm tired. I think I just give it a rest today and continue tomorrow. Maybe I will go out. I truly wish Saf showed some interest in the things I do to get back to Holland.
I went out, I grabbed my winter boots, scarf, and winter jacket and went off. When I closed the door, I saw the bus just driving up to the bus stop, I had to run and couldn't even think that if I should go or not, yeah, I had doubts. While sitting in the bus I thought "What am I doing? "should I go back or not?"
The bus went on and on and I was still in doubt, "Should I get of here and walk home?" I went of at Walmart and decided to go to BMO and after that a little breakfast at Tim Hortons, then perhaps Goodwill for suitcases. (I need them) When I went to BMO it didn't give me money, not even 20 Dollar, nothing! Sigh! My mood went further and further down. I decided to go back home! Waiting for the bus took long. Finally the bus came and I asked "Do you take a 20 Dollar bill?" (It's all I head) He said "No, I don't have any change, but I will stop at the Plaza for three minutes, so you can get change." Nice, the bus driver dropped me of and there I went running to a little shop to get the change.
The bus took of again and I went of at the Hospital and went from there walking to the house. When I arrived everyone seemed busy and no one asked where I went. A minute later I saw Saf but she didn't ask anything, not even where I went or just a hello, I wasn't surprised. I made a bowl of cheerios and sat down in the kitchen. After the cheerios I went upstairs and turned on the computer to check my mail. I needed a lay down aswell cause I felt down and felt like crying. I cried a little bit or was it just pretending? I don't know, I guess it was just hard to cry. Why doesn't see just help me or show some interest? I went downstairs for a cup of tea and saw Saf folding laundry, I decided to go to her and tell her where I went, and how it went . Her answer was "Oh nice." She didn't even looked at me when I was talking to her.
I was half in my conversation with her and went quiet for five seconds and then I went upstairs. I mumbled to her softly "I feel like talking to a wall." Again I checked my e-mails and I had a mail from my Aunt, she had a option to stay with my niece, I thought sigh! "Where on earth is this going to end" and I burst out in tears, I cried like a little kid. All the nerves and stress came out from the last few weeks. After thirty minutes I went downstairs again. The kids were watching a video and Saf sat with them, I sat down with them on the floor, I was quiet and was thinking. I wanted to ask her when were going to the record shop to sell my cd's and records, (we talked about this) but I waited for the right time. "After the movie is good" I thought.
And so, the movie ended and then I asked her. She replied "I don't actually feel to go with you, cause I'm still upset, last night I noticed you deleted me aswell from Tasn profile on Facebook (I made once a Tasn FB profile) She was upset and I told her, "There is more in life right now then Facebook Saf." "I know," she said, "but it's so immature of you," I didn't speak cause I was not in the mood, I thought "She's maybe right, I don't know...What a day." And there I went, upstairs again, I packed some things in a box what I didn't need anymore. When I was done with that I made myself lunch and Saf spoke to me and asked me, "Are you mad now?" I answered, "Yes, just a bit." I explained why I was mad and lost the last few days.
I told her, "I just wish that you showed some more interest in the things I do at the moment." She said "I wont come to you when you are like this." I replied, "I understand that, but I don't have it easy the last few weeks, you gotta understand that." The issue 'financial support' came sliding in our conversation. Saf replied, "If you had another woman and you would have asked her for financial support after a break up she would have kicked you out of the house." "No, or maybe," I replied. Then Saf said "I actually talked to a few woman and they said the same." I replied with, "I have been asking for advice, and I heard the opposite."
I was okay with this conversation, it was better then ignorance. And it looks it was a hard conversation with fighting words but it wasn't that hard. We were okay, and the day went on, she did her things and I did mine. She gave me a few options aswell when I talked to her about a few things I was working on. "Is Amsterdam not an option for you or another city, you don't have to stick with Nijverdal" Saf said. (Nijverdal is my place where I have been born and lived almost whole my life) It was an idea and I looked on the computer for 'Amsterdam options,' Hostels, a camping, and hotels. There expensive though and I don't know, I even thought of staying in Canada again. I think I'm going insane, lol.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Floating...
Floating...
I had a nice sleep, and I woke up after I heard the kids downstairs. Time to get up and show some positive vibes towards the family. I made the kids some Lucky charms and made myself a bowl of Cheerios. My stomach was hurting so I thought a light breakfast would be good. The kids were being naughty, and I commented them with a loud voice, it's needed sometimes. Saf woke up to early after working a whole night, it was 10:30 am. She ignored me when I said 'Good morning.' I tried again 'Good morning' but nothing came out of her mouth. "Then not," I whispered, and went further on my laptop. Sigh! We were both in a mood from that incident what happened yesterday.
I decided to just continue with the things I used to do and just let her be. I did quiet alot this morning, I made a few phone calls, talked to two friends and asked them in a nice way if I can move in with them for a few months. (Yeah, how on earth do you ask that? ) They both answered "No." They felt guilty but they had enough 'things' on there own. These friends were almost my last options to stay over with. Sigh! I still get replies from the selling site ' Kijiji' but they don't buy my stuff.(another sigh!) I searched for hotels and rooms but it's hard to find them. I even placed a few adds saying 'I'm looking for a place to stay' on a dutch selling sites, one replied and told me he had a house for sale in my town, if I could buy it for a few million, sure I said! Nooot!
I even mailed the army of salvation in Holland to see what they could do. So, yeah I did alot and it gets tyring. I should ask my Aunt and Uncle for a place with them, but I'm afraid to ask, I should, but I'm waiting for the right time, she's could be my last option. Tomorrow I will look for more friends or Family where I can stay with. I wish Saf showed some more interest, in what I do. Just that she would come up to me and ask me how the things are going or how far are you with things. Maybe a bit to much to ask for someone who broke up with you. Today Saf asked me if I deleted some photo albums on Facebook. I said "Yes. I did, that was weeks ago." The first day we broke up, I got upset and went with a upset head upstairs on my computer and deleted some of my photo albums on Facebook. I shouldn't have done that, but me with my silly angry head I did. I regret it now cause such photos are always a good memory for later.
my Facebook status from last night:
The kids are fine and acting nice, at the moment I'm sitting on the couch with them, and it's cozy. I see a load of dishes in the kitchen. I'm planning to do them before I go to bed. Saf is slowly talking to me again, I mean she responses when I ask her something, still I'm laid back and a bit ignorant. Tomorrow another day!
I had a nice sleep, and I woke up after I heard the kids downstairs. Time to get up and show some positive vibes towards the family. I made the kids some Lucky charms and made myself a bowl of Cheerios. My stomach was hurting so I thought a light breakfast would be good. The kids were being naughty, and I commented them with a loud voice, it's needed sometimes. Saf woke up to early after working a whole night, it was 10:30 am. She ignored me when I said 'Good morning.' I tried again 'Good morning' but nothing came out of her mouth. "Then not," I whispered, and went further on my laptop. Sigh! We were both in a mood from that incident what happened yesterday.
I decided to just continue with the things I used to do and just let her be. I did quiet alot this morning, I made a few phone calls, talked to two friends and asked them in a nice way if I can move in with them for a few months. (Yeah, how on earth do you ask that? ) They both answered "No." They felt guilty but they had enough 'things' on there own. These friends were almost my last options to stay over with. Sigh! I still get replies from the selling site ' Kijiji' but they don't buy my stuff.(another sigh!) I searched for hotels and rooms but it's hard to find them. I even placed a few adds saying 'I'm looking for a place to stay' on a dutch selling sites, one replied and told me he had a house for sale in my town, if I could buy it for a few million, sure I said! Nooot!
I even mailed the army of salvation in Holland to see what they could do. So, yeah I did alot and it gets tyring. I should ask my Aunt and Uncle for a place with them, but I'm afraid to ask, I should, but I'm waiting for the right time, she's could be my last option. Tomorrow I will look for more friends or Family where I can stay with. I wish Saf showed some more interest, in what I do. Just that she would come up to me and ask me how the things are going or how far are you with things. Maybe a bit to much to ask for someone who broke up with you. Today Saf asked me if I deleted some photo albums on Facebook. I said "Yes. I did, that was weeks ago." The first day we broke up, I got upset and went with a upset head upstairs on my computer and deleted some of my photo albums on Facebook. I shouldn't have done that, but me with my silly angry head I did. I regret it now cause such photos are always a good memory for later.
my Facebook status from last night:
The kids are fine and acting nice, at the moment I'm sitting on the couch with them, and it's cozy. I see a load of dishes in the kitchen. I'm planning to do them before I go to bed. Saf is slowly talking to me again, I mean she responses when I ask her something, still I'm laid back and a bit ignorant. Tomorrow another day!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
And further and further downhill I went....
And further and further downhill I went....
This morning I just wanted to be alone, but I got up anyway and did some things in the house. Cleaned the kitchen and looked were the kids were. Saf's uncle came passing by my room later on, he saw the speakers and I told him I'm selling them. He was interested and thought about buying them. He apologized aswell for the break up. I had a few emails from my Aunt, she told me that there was an option to stay with my Dad's niece. She's over 80. I told my Aunt that I will think about it and will send a email soon. There supposed to be a meeting tomorrow with my friend Johan and my Aunt, they are both looking for a solution for me. I replied my Aunt with a mail saying that I was interested in staying with my Dad's Niece, and asked about the tomorrow's meeting.
My Aunt responded that it wasn't possible to stay with the my Dad's Niece cause my Aunt called my other Uncle and he said no, (weird) "She's way to old" said my Uncle. Aswell the Major from Nijverdal replied with a mail back (I send the Major a mail asking him for solutions) He replied saying that they can't do a thing for me, and in the end of the mail was written, "Maybe you can ask your girlfriend for financial support." Then I got a bit upset, cause yeah, Saf should give me some financial support, or not? I don't know, it confusses me. Either way she doesn't wanna, she refussed the last time I asked her. At the moment I feel sad, upset and worried. I just don't care anymore, it's such a different feeling then I had a few days ago. I'm in need of a talk with someone and I need to calm down... again! This situation is getting on my nerves.
The 'Drop in' guests left in the afternoon and it was quiet all of a sudden. They left so fast that it gave a awkward feeling. The 'Drop in' was a success, we had alot of fun. It was hard to say goodbye cause of the way I felt, I wasn't in a good mood. Dako left too with his uncle and Dad, saying goodbye to him was heavy I hugged him like I hugged the other guests who left. I spotted a little tear from my side but I hidded it. Later on in the evening after dinner I sat with Saf, she was on my laptop. I spoke to her and I updated her about the things I did today for my plans for Holland. She responded friendly until I showed her the mail from the major, she went upset when she red about it, "Maybe you can ask your girlfriend for financial support."
She laughed a bit and said "I got a big family to take care of, I can't afford that."..."I got nothing, I'm broke" I replied. I tried to stay friendly but I was mad inside. I said "I'm only asking for some support cause I can't do it all by myself, just little things could help me already" I went on, "I'm not asking for 1000 of Dollars, help me find a place or help me find some stuff on the Internet what are usefull." She replied, "I can't speak Dutch, I can't help you." She was mad I could tell. Then later on she actually came up with a few advices, she told me about getting a hotel for a few nights or call your place where you get your monthly money from. I wasn't happy with that answer and went quiet, I was lost. I went upstairs and got mad inside, I turned on my computer and logged in to Facebook.
I went to Saf's profile page and deleted her and blocked her. (My bad, I knew already I will regret it, what I'm doing) I'm such a kid! After being a few minutes on the computer I went downstairs for a coffee and Saf asked me if I deleted her and blocked her, I said "Yes, but I didn't block you." "Yes! you did" she replied! "No!" I answered! I'm such a liar, I should just have told her that I did delete and blocked her, and the reason why I did it. I was to scared to tell her, scared of what would have happened. I deleted her and blocker in a mad moment, I screwed up and another little fight was born. I felt bad and woke up out of my upsetness and felt regrets. I went upstairs again and tried to explain things to her trough a mail. She sent me the mail back from the 'Major,' saying "This is ridiculous, that you asked me for support". Again I got mad and send her a mail back with some angry words...
I replied, "My Dad payed for your and Ab's flight to Holland, I feel like trash throwed out on the street, breaking up seems so easy for you." She sent me a last email saying "I didn't ask to come to Holland, you asked me, if you still want to remain friends then don't go on like this." I had enough, ofcource she's right. (as always) But still I was mad at her and mad at myself. But mostly about this whole situation where I'm in. I went for a long walk to the BMO bank, just to get some air and to calm down... again. Everytime I go for a walk, I clear my head and think of what I did. I tried to think of solutions and ask myself what did I wrong or that I was wrong and not her, and why she's acting like this. It was aal to much to think of and still I was mad and I was lost.
Just before I got home I realized that the best way is just to ignore her and let her be, and for the rest do the things what I always do. I watched the kids when Saf was sleeping (she had her night shift.) She ignored me still but I was fine with it. I just went on, I watched a movie with Nemo on her bed, and later on I did the dishes, dried them and put them away. It was after one, Saf was already working and the older kids were having fun elsewhere. The two youngest ones were sleeping. I went to bed aswell, it was a long day! Confession: When I have it very difficult in the situation where I'm in now, I sometimes wander myself of in the garage or go for a long walk. In the garage I have a few items where I can throw with to loose my anger. The things where I throw with are garbage bags with paper, no worries here, I always clean up afterwards.
In this month I went twice to the garage, I never, never knew that I had this anger in me, but hey, I have never been in such terrible situation either. Aswell a good relief to loose anger is to shovel the driveway... I feel sometimes ashamed and bad about myself, I'm not myself lately, I'm NOT a bad person! I'm NOT a bad person!
The drop in...
The drop in...
Today I had a E-mail from my friend in Holland, and he told me, that it wasn't possible to move in with him or to get a house from Aveleijn. " You need a indication to get a house," he told me. Next thing he told me was "The best thing you could do is to inform the house-corporation in Nijverdal and tell them your story." It looks like it's going downhill further and further with my plan of moving back to Holland, is it a sign? A sign that there is a chance I could stay in Canada? Here's my horoscope from today...
Your Daily Horoscope
This is an auspicious time for you, Aquarius. It gives you the energy and enthusiasm to make the necessary changes in your life. There is a lot of work to do, but you're up to it! First focus on your relationships. Your loved ones don't care about your professional successes. They want (and perhaps need) to spend more time with you. Do what you can to bring your life more into balance.
I think I'm already doing that, but I also got to focus on my plan to go back to Holland, cause this horoscope might be just a mite. Today was again a busy day, Saf's Uncle and her Father arrived around noon. Everyone was there for the 'Drop in,' Saf was cooking dinner and I helped out here and there, it was crowded and busy. It was good to see Saf's uncle and her Father again.
Dinner was served and we sat at our new dinning table. The food was delicious and filling. Later on in the evening we played games with little presents, and there were the famous jello shooters aswell. It was a nice evening, the kids were down in the basement playing there games.... It was a 'normal' day with lots of people....
Monday, December 27, 2010
Busy day with lots to do...
Busy day with lots to do...
But first some cleaning, cause tomorrow supposed to be a 'drop in' day. Dishes, vacuuming, and tidy up.Dako and I took of later of in the morning for some boxing day shopping. Saf brought us to the mall, that was nice and friendly. I'm feeling good and I'm not much thinking of what's waiting for me in Holland. Actually, sometimes I'm thinking of another chance with Saf. but those thoughts are just flashes and I try to ignore them.
Sometimes I don't even know what to think, just live the day and see what happens next. Just floating. While shopping Dako gave me a new sweater from 'American Eagle', as a late Christmas present, that's nice of him. He told me aswell that he will go soon to his Dad's place in Hamilton. Saf's Dad and uncle are coming tomorrow for the 'Drop in', there staying both for a day and a night. When they go back Saf's brother Dako will go with them. I will miss him cause we spent alot of time together these last few weeks. If he wasn't here it would have been different and harder.
When Dako and I returned I started a bit with cleaning and getting things ready for the 'Drop in'. We all helped out. It was a day like always, Saf was being friendly and the kids were busy being annoying. Do I look forward for the 'Drop in'? yes and no, cause it will be busy and with alot of talking, and I'm not that a talker, we will see what happens, I'm not worried.
Mar had her friends already over, last Sunday they came, they are two girls (both 14) Later on in the evening Saf's niece and her boyfriend came. What can I say, it's gonna be crowded. I think I will wonder of sometimes. I will see...
But first some cleaning, cause tomorrow supposed to be a 'drop in' day. Dishes, vacuuming, and tidy up.Dako and I took of later of in the morning for some boxing day shopping. Saf brought us to the mall, that was nice and friendly. I'm feeling good and I'm not much thinking of what's waiting for me in Holland. Actually, sometimes I'm thinking of another chance with Saf. but those thoughts are just flashes and I try to ignore them.
Sometimes I don't even know what to think, just live the day and see what happens next. Just floating. While shopping Dako gave me a new sweater from 'American Eagle', as a late Christmas present, that's nice of him. He told me aswell that he will go soon to his Dad's place in Hamilton. Saf's Dad and uncle are coming tomorrow for the 'Drop in', there staying both for a day and a night. When they go back Saf's brother Dako will go with them. I will miss him cause we spent alot of time together these last few weeks. If he wasn't here it would have been different and harder.
When Dako and I returned I started a bit with cleaning and getting things ready for the 'Drop in'. We all helped out. It was a day like always, Saf was being friendly and the kids were busy being annoying. Do I look forward for the 'Drop in'? yes and no, cause it will be busy and with alot of talking, and I'm not that a talker, we will see what happens, I'm not worried.
Mar had her friends already over, last Sunday they came, they are two girls (both 14) Later on in the evening Saf's niece and her boyfriend came. What can I say, it's gonna be crowded. I think I will wonder of sometimes. I will see...