Hopeless...

Hopeless...

I woke up this morning and felt down and lost. I didn't even have the strength to get up, and yeah, what is the reason to get up anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel I gave everything, and I'm tired. I think I just give it a rest today and continue tomorrow. Maybe I will go out. I truly wish Saf showed some interest in the things I do to get back to Holland.
I went out, I grabbed my winter boots, scarf, and winter jacket and went off. When I closed the door, I saw the bus just driving up to the bus stop, I had to run and couldn't even think that if I should go or not, yeah, I had doubts. While sitting in the bus I thought "What am I doing? "should I go back or not?"

The bus went on and on and I was still in doubt, "Should I get of here and walk home?" I went of at Walmart and decided to go to BMO and after that a little breakfast at Tim Hortons, then perhaps Goodwill for suitcases. (I need them) When I went to BMO it didn't give me money, not even 20 Dollar, nothing! Sigh! My mood went further and further down. I decided to go back home! Waiting for the bus took long. Finally the bus came and I asked "Do you take a 20 Dollar bill?" (It's all I head) He said "No, I don't have any change, but I will stop at the Plaza for three minutes, so you can get change." Nice, the bus driver dropped me of and there I went running to a little shop to get the change.

The bus took of again and I went of at the Hospital and went from there walking to the house. When I arrived everyone seemed busy and no one asked where I went. A minute later I saw Saf but she didn't ask anything, not even where I went or just a hello, I wasn't surprised. I made a bowl of cheerios and sat down in the kitchen. After the cheerios I went upstairs and turned on the computer to check my mail. I needed a lay down aswell cause I felt  down and felt like crying. I cried a little bit or was it just pretending? I don't know, I guess  it was just hard to cry. Why doesn't see just help me or show some interest? I went downstairs for a cup of tea and saw Saf folding laundry, I decided to go to her and tell her where I went, and how it went . Her answer was "Oh nice." She didn't even looked at me when I was talking to her. 

I was half in my conversation with her and went quiet for five seconds and then I went upstairs. I mumbled to her softly "I feel like talking to a wall." Again I checked my e-mails and I had a mail from my Aunt, she had a option to stay with my niece, I thought sigh! "Where on earth is this going to end" and I burst out in tears, I cried like a little kid. All the nerves and stress came out from the last few weeks. After thirty minutes I went downstairs again. The kids were watching a video and Saf sat with them, I sat down with them on the floor, I was quiet and was thinking. I wanted to ask her when were going to the record shop to sell my cd's and records, (we talked about this) but I waited for the right time. "After the movie is good" I thought. 

And so, the movie ended and then I asked her. She replied "I don't actually feel to go with you, cause I'm still upset, last night I noticed you deleted me aswell from Tasn profile on Facebook (I made once a Tasn FB profile) She was upset and I told her, "There is more in life right now then Facebook Saf." "I know," she said, "but it's so immature of you," I didn't speak cause I was not in the mood, I thought "She's maybe right, I don't know...What a day." And there I went, upstairs again, I packed some things in a box what I didn't need anymore. When I was done with that I made myself lunch and Saf spoke to me and asked me, "Are you mad now?" I answered, "Yes, just a bit." I explained why I was mad and lost the last few days.

I told her, "I just wish that you showed some more interest in the things I do at the moment." She said "I wont come to you when you are like this." I replied, "I understand that, but I don't have it easy the last few weeks, you gotta understand that." The issue 'financial support' came sliding in our conversation. Saf replied, "If you had another woman and you would have asked her for financial support after a break up she would have kicked you out of the house." "No, or maybe," I replied. Then Saf said "I actually talked to a few woman and they said the same." I replied with, "I have been asking for advice, and I heard the opposite." 

I was okay with this conversation, it was better then ignorance. And it looks it was a hard conversation with fighting words but it wasn't that hard. We were okay, and the day went on, she did her things and I did mine. She gave me a few options aswell when I talked to her about a few things I was working on. "Is Amsterdam not an option for you or another city, you don't have to stick with Nijverdal" Saf said. (Nijverdal is my place where I have been born and lived almost whole my life) It was an idea and I looked on the computer for 'Amsterdam options,' Hostels, a camping, and hotels. There expensive though and I don't know, I even thought of staying in Canada again. I think I'm going insane, lol. 

Floating...

Floating...

I had a nice sleep, and I woke up after I heard the kids downstairs. Time to get up and show some positive vibes towards the family. I made the kids some Lucky charms and made myself a bowl of  Cheerios. My stomach was hurting so I thought a light breakfast would be good. The kids were being naughty,  and I commented them with a loud voice, it's needed sometimes. Saf woke up to early after working a whole night, it was 10:30 am. She ignored me when I said 'Good morning.' I tried again 'Good morning' but nothing came out of her mouth. "Then not," I whispered, and went further on my laptop. Sigh! We were both in a mood from that incident what happened yesterday.

I decided to just continue with the things I used to do and just let her be. I did quiet alot this morning, I made a few phone calls, talked to two friends and asked them in a nice way if I can move in with them for a few months. (Yeah, how on earth do you ask that? ) They both answered "No." They felt guilty but they had enough 'things' on there own. These friends were almost my last options to stay over with. Sigh! I still get replies from the selling site ' Kijiji' but they don't buy my stuff.(another sigh!) I searched for hotels and rooms but it's hard to find them. I even placed a few adds saying 'I'm looking for a place to stay' on a dutch selling sites, one replied and told me he had a house for sale in my town, if I could buy it for a few million, sure I said! Nooot! 

I even mailed the army of salvation in Holland to see what they could do. So, yeah I did alot and it gets tyring. I should ask my Aunt and Uncle for a place with them, but I'm afraid to ask, I should, but I'm waiting for the right time, she's could be my last option. Tomorrow I will look for more friends or Family where I can stay with. I wish Saf showed some more interest, in what I do. Just that she would come up to me and ask me how the things are going or how far are you with things. Maybe a bit to much to ask for someone who broke up with you. Today Saf asked me if I deleted some photo albums on Facebook. I said "Yes. I did,  that was weeks ago." The first day we broke up, I got upset and went with a upset head upstairs on my computer and deleted some of my photo albums on Facebook. I shouldn't have done that, but me with my silly angry head I did. I regret it now cause such photos are always a good memory for later.

my Facebook status from last night:

I will never be sad for what is over..I'll just be glad that it was once mine.... hell yeah! When I look back I only can say... the greatest happinesses are family happinesses... I love you guys!!!! Forever and always!!

This is what I want, I will be easy the last weeks while I'm still here, I have to!

The kids are fine and acting nice, at the moment I'm sitting on the couch with them, and it's cozy. I see a load of dishes in the kitchen. I'm planning to do them before I go to bed. Saf is slowly talking to me again, I mean she responses when I ask her something,  still I'm laid back and a bit ignorant. Tomorrow another day!

And further and further downhill I went....

And further and further downhill I went....

This morning I just wanted to be alone, but I got up anyway and did some things in the house. Cleaned the kitchen and looked were the kids were. Saf's uncle came passing by my room later on, he  saw the speakers and I told him I'm selling them. He was interested and thought about buying them. He apologized aswell for the break up. I had a few emails from my Aunt, she told me that there was an option to stay with my Dad's niece. She's over 80. I told my Aunt that I will think about it and will send a email soon. There supposed to be a meeting tomorrow with my friend Johan and my Aunt, they are both looking for a solution for me. I replied my Aunt with a mail saying that I was interested in staying with my Dad's Niece, and asked about the tomorrow's  meeting. 

My Aunt responded that it wasn't possible to stay with the my Dad's Niece cause my Aunt called my other Uncle and he said no, (weird) "She's way to old" said my Uncle. Aswell the Major from Nijverdal replied with a mail back (I send the Major a mail asking him for solutions) He replied saying that they can't do a thing for me, and in the end of the mail was written, "Maybe you can ask your girlfriend for financial support." Then I got a bit upset, cause yeah, Saf should give me some  financial support, or not? I don't know, it confusses me. Either way she doesn't wanna, she refussed the last time I asked her. At the moment I feel sad, upset and worried. I just don't care anymore, it's such a different feeling then I had a few days ago. I'm in need of a talk with someone and I need to calm down... again! This situation is getting on my nerves.

The 'Drop in' guests left in the afternoon and it was quiet all of a sudden. They left so fast that it gave a awkward feeling. The 'Drop in' was a success, we had alot of fun. It was hard to say goodbye cause of the way I felt, I wasn't in a good mood. Dako left too with his uncle and Dad, saying goodbye to him was heavy I hugged him like I hugged the other guests who left. I spotted a little tear from my side but I hidded it. Later on in the evening after dinner I sat with Saf, she was on my laptop. I spoke to her and I updated her about the things I did today for my plans for Holland. She responded friendly until I showed her the mail from the major, she went upset when she red about it,  "Maybe you can ask your girlfriend for financial support."

She laughed a bit and said  "I got a big family to take care of, I can't afford that."..."I got nothing, I'm broke" I replied. I tried to stay friendly but I was mad inside. I said "I'm only asking for some support cause I can't do it all by myself, just little things could help me already" I went on, "I'm not asking for 1000 of  Dollars, help me find a place or help me find some stuff on the Internet what are usefull." She replied, "I can't speak Dutch, I can't help you." She was mad I could tell. Then later on she actually came up with a few advices, she told me about getting a hotel for a few nights or call your place where you get your monthly money from. I wasn't happy with that answer and went quiet, I was lost. I went upstairs and got mad inside, I turned on my computer and logged in to Facebook. 

I went to Saf's profile page and deleted her and blocked her. (My bad, I knew already I will regret it, what I'm doing) I'm such a kid! After being a few minutes on the computer I went downstairs for a coffee and Saf asked me if I deleted her and blocked her, I said "Yes, but I didn't block you." "Yes! you did" she replied! "No!" I answered!  I'm such a liar, I should just have told her that I did delete and blocked her, and the reason why I did it. I was to scared to tell her, scared of what would have happened. I deleted her and blocker in a mad moment, I screwed up and another little fight was born. I felt bad and woke up out of my upsetness and  felt regrets. I went upstairs again and tried to explain things to her trough a mail. She sent me the mail back from the 'Major,' saying "This is ridiculous, that you asked me for support". Again I got mad and send her a mail back with some angry words... 

I replied, "My Dad payed for your and Ab's flight to Holland, I feel like trash throwed out on the street, breaking up seems so easy for you." She sent me a last email saying "I didn't ask to come to Holland, you asked me, if you still want to remain friends then don't go on like this." I had enough, ofcource she's right. (as always) But still I was mad at her and mad at myself. But mostly about this whole situation where I'm in. I went for a long walk to the BMO bank, just to get some air and to calm down... again. Everytime I go for a walk, I clear my head and think of what I did. I tried to think of solutions and ask myself what did I wrong or that I was wrong and not her, and why she's acting like this. It was aal to much to think of and still I was mad and I was lost. 

Just before I got home I realized that the best way is just to ignore her and let her be, and for the rest do the things what I always do. I watched the kids when Saf was sleeping (she had her night shift.) She ignored me still but I was fine with it. I just went on, I watched a movie with Nemo on her bed, and later on I did the dishes, dried them and put them away. It was after one, Saf was already working and the older kids were having fun elsewhere. The two youngest ones were sleeping. I went to bed aswell, it was a long day! Confession: When I have it very difficult in the situation where I'm in now, I sometimes wander myself of in the garage or go for a long walk. In the garage I have a few items where I can throw with to loose my anger. The things where I throw with are garbage bags with paper, no worries here, I always clean up afterwards.

In this month I went twice to the garage, I never, never knew that I had this anger in me, but hey, I have never been in such terrible situation either. Aswell a good relief to loose anger is to shovel the driveway... I feel sometimes ashamed and bad about myself, I'm not myself lately, I'm NOT a bad person! I'm NOT a bad person!

The drop in...

The drop in...

Today I had a E-mail from my friend in Holland, and he told me, that it wasn't possible to move in with him or to get a house from Aveleijn. " You need a indication to get a house," he told me. Next thing he told me was "The best thing you could do is to inform the house-corporation in Nijverdal and tell them your story." It looks like it's going downhill further and further with my plan of moving back to Holland, is it a sign? A sign that there is a chance I could stay in Canada? Here's my horoscope from today...

Your Daily Horoscope

This is an auspicious time for you, Aquarius. It gives you the energy and enthusiasm to make the necessary changes in your life. There is a lot of work to do, but you're up to it! First focus on your relationships. Your loved ones don't care about your professional successes. They want (and perhaps need) to spend more time with you. Do what you can to bring your life more into balance.

I think I'm already doing that, but I also got to focus on my plan to go back to Holland, cause this horoscope might be just a mite. Today was again a busy day, Saf's Uncle and her Father arrived around noon. Everyone was there for the 'Drop in,' Saf was cooking dinner and I helped out here and there, it was crowded and busy. It was good to see Saf's uncle and her Father again.

Dinner was served and we sat at our new dinning table. The food was delicious and filling. Later on in the evening we played games with little presents, and there were the famous jello shooters aswell. It was a nice evening, the kids were down in the basement playing there games.... It was a 'normal' day with lots of people....

FRANK BLACK - YOU'RE SUCH A WIRE

Busy day with lots to do...

Busy day with lots to do...

But first some cleaning, cause tomorrow supposed to be a 'drop in' day. Dishes, vacuuming, and tidy up.Dako and I took of later of in the morning for some boxing day shopping. Saf brought us to the mall, that was nice and friendly. I'm feeling good and I'm not much thinking of what's waiting for me in Holland. Actually, sometimes I'm thinking of another chance with Saf. but those thoughts are just flashes and I try to ignore them. 

Sometimes I don't even know what to think, just live the day and see what happens next. Just floating. While shopping Dako gave me a new sweater from 'American Eagle', as a late Christmas present, that's nice of him. He told me aswell that he will go soon to his Dad's place in Hamilton. Saf's Dad and uncle are  coming tomorrow for the 'Drop in', there staying both for a day and a night. When they go back Saf's brother Dako will go with them. I will miss him cause we spent alot of time together these last few weeks. If he wasn't here it would have been different and harder.

When Dako and I returned I started a bit with cleaning and getting things ready for the 'Drop in'. We all helped out. It was a day like always, Saf was being friendly and the kids were busy being annoying. Do I look forward for the 'Drop in'?  yes and no, cause it will be busy and with alot of talking, and I'm not that a talker, we will see what happens, I'm not worried.
Mar had her friends already over, last Sunday they came, they are two girls (both 14) Later on in the evening Saf's niece and her boyfriend came. What can I say, it's gonna be crowded. I think I will wonder of sometimes. I  will see...

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas!

I slept only 4 hours and I was tired, the kids were still sleeping surprisingly. It was 9: 30 and we all decided to wake up. We woke up the kids and we wished everyone a happy Christmas. I wished Saf a happy Christmas aswell in her bedroom, Mar was with her. I apologized for last night, and she said, "Oh yeah, that was rude, I'm so gonna get you back on that, prepair for it". Saf responded it with a smiling face and I thought "It will be okay, and anyway, I deserve it" The kids woke up and were excited about the many, many presents. We gathered all around and started with unwrapping the gifts. Everyone was nice and it was good, everyone was happy with the gifts, Saf was nice and she thanked me for the gifts, she seemed to forgot the incident from last night. 

After a few hours the gifts were unpacked and the kids were playing with there toys. Saf went to bed cause she needed it, to much red wine last night? Lol! Tam, me and Dako played Monopoly. It was a long play but fun and so different then the Dutch Monopoly. It was a good day and we played a few games more. Saf woke up at 3:00 pm and we were still playing. There was not much going on and Saf seemed to forgot the incident from last night, she mentioned it as few times but was quiet in getting revenge. A little incident happened with Tam and me while were playing Monopoly for the second time. 

There was a thing (don't know how you call it) where you put your drinking glasses on so that it won't scratch the table. And that thing was turned around and it had metal, so it could scratch the (antique) table. Tam asked me "Did you put that thing the wrong way? you know you get scratches like that, right"!? I responded, "No,I didn't" (or I think I did, I can't remember.) "Yes you did" she responded, and she explained why and what can happen when you do such a thing. I got annoyed and told her "Okay, okay, I know it now. She went on and tried to made a point. (like she always does) I said sorry, but she went on, and then I said "Sorry" with a louder voice, and after that a bit more louder. 

Then she told me "Don't yell at me, I don't like when people do that". I said again "Sorry", but she wouldn't listen. I tried to talk with her but she just wouldn't stop. I walked away and said "Whatever." I sat somewhere else and let them play the game further. I was maybe annoyed because I wasn't winning the game so well, and the fact that Tam wanted to make such a point. Later on Saf asked me what happened, apparently Saf and Tam spoke to each other about the little incident. Saf was nice and I was surprised that she asked. I explained my side of the story and she responded wisely. She told me "Okay,that's another side of the story". Later on Tam and I both cooled down and were good again. We all went to bed early, we were tired and knew that tomorrow will be a long day...

Christmas is knocking on our door!

Christmas is knocking on our door!

Today the presents will be put under the tree, that will happen when the kids are in bed sleeping. Today was a normal but long day, Saf was nice and I like that, it's better then being ignorant and short, both of us. It makes me feel better aswell, I guess this situation is just awkward for both of us. Today Dako and me planned to go for a walk, and Mar will come with us. When we were on our way Mar wasn't planning to go for a long walk and complained a bit. But she did well and just followed us, we had a good time. We went first to the BMO bank and then to Tim Hortons for a 'Candy cane hot chocolate', Dako bought me one. There so good!

We decided to move on to another store after our hot chocolate's, we knew a short cut. On our way we cut trough a little forest that went downhill. Very downhill! There were sticks and fallen down tree's. On the end of the downhill was someone's backyard. It was such an adventure to go downhill, we had laughs and fun. When we arrived in the backyard we had to run cause we heard a dog barking. It was hilarious, then we headed on to the store, we bought some stuff and went home. I actually didn't wanna go home, it was fun being outside and I didn't feel the pressure from being inside of the house. It's not that easy to have fun and act like nothing has happened or is happening.

The evening arrived and Saf wasn't home cause she was shopping with Tam. (the last Christmas shopping's) When they came back they both started wrapping the last gifts and after that it was time to put them under the tree. Everything went well and everyone was nice. It was a nice day.We all sat down by the tree and Tam and Saf were drinking red wine, they were giggling and had alot of fun. Nothing the matter with that, we all had fun. I was a bit quiet and felt awkward but it was okay. Saf got a bit drunk and started to be annoying and I thought "Oh well". It was 2:30 am and we all decided to go to bed, cause the kids will be up early in the morning for the presents.

When we were about to go to bed, Saf was tipsy and loud. She had to much wine. I was annoyed but I thought "Just let her be". When Saf was in her bedroom with Mar she was talking louder, and laughed hard. The two little ones were sleeping and I wanted to go to sleep aswell. After waiting thirty minutes I decided to go to her room and tell her to be quiet. But it went a bit different then I expected, I asked her to be quiet, but it came out differently, I told her to "Shut the f#ck up". (Oops!) I was suprised I said it, but I couldn't turn my words back, it was just to much I could handle. I guess I was to much annoyed plus the stressed feelings I had in me from the last few weeks. I let the time pass and letted it just be for now. I shouldn't have said it, I felt guilty and sorry.

Saf went on with laughing harder cause she felt insulted, she was right! I said it cause I was annoyed and I thought about the kids and others who wanted to go to sleep plus I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. It was a short night with not much sleep. Sigh! I screwed up again.

Talking reliefs...

Talking reliefs...

Saf went to Hamilton  to pick up the two youngest ones in the early afternoon. The family is complete again including the noise. It was weird to see the little ones again after almost five days.. The last five days without the kids was different, it sure was quiet. This morning I was up early and felt the same as yesterday. Yesterday I thought alot of how it would be to be back in Holland, and how I will miss this family here, It will sure be different! I felt the same way this morning, I needed again a talk with Saf. (Will I ever stop?) Just to satisfy me, just to be sure of things, to calm me down. I talked to Saf just before she took of for her journey to Hamilton. I started the talk with how I felt, I just didn't know how to start the conversation, I was nervous, and I stumbled.

I told her about my friend and what he will be doing for me, Saf responded friendly. I told her that I need friendly people around me at the moment, and that I would like her to be friendly, "You seem a bit cold lately and ignorant", I said to her, "Or is it just me?".  Saf was nice in her responses and then she told me she had to get ready to pick up the kids. I felt better after the talk, It's just what I needed. Sometimes I have that feeling that there all against me, and all because of this break up. Saf brought aswell Noor (the 16 year old daughter) who lives with her Father in Hamilton. She's friendly and talks alot and is not afraid in her sayings. She knows about the breakup but she didn't mentioned anything yet.

Later tonight there were a few things going on, the kids were not listening. It was late and Saf was taking a nap before her night shift, the kids were making noise and Noor was in charge, and I helped her out a bit. Later on Saf went to work and left the 16 year old daughter in charge of the two little ones. By meaning putting them to bed in Saf's sleeping room. And she did, but in a different way then we normally do. One of us always stays with them until they sleep, but Noor putted a movie on for them and  took off to the garage with the other girls. Ofcource Ab came downstairs a million times.

I went to the garage to tell the girls that Ab has woken up. I thought "I'm  again watching the kids, what would have happen if I wasn't here right now. There' all in the garage and I'm watching the kids, I don't mind, but It was not my duty to take care of them, Noor was in charge. Today I asked my Aunt to be prepared to ask my Dad for money (again) sigh! I'm nervous that I can't buy the ticket for my flight, I want to get it done and be just over with. Maybe after Christmas, cause everyone is now focused on the holidays. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Time flies...

Time flies...


Things are going easy today. This Morning was a bit boring cause the selling of my belongings is still not going well, and then you can't do much, no packing, cause it's to early. I searched for a few more record stores for selling my records and cd's, I will call them tomorrow again like I did this morning. I did a bit of dishes and laundry, and was on the computer. Saf was sleeping, she had her night shift. When she woke up she came downstairs, grabbed a apple and took of, "I have to do something, I'll be back soon. "Okay" I said. Things are easy, like I said. The friend from Holland keeps contact with me. I had 2 emails from him today, the first one was a confirm that he's gonna talk to my Aunt and Uncle next Wednesday. And the second one was just some nice words. It's good to know that my friend is thinking of me back in Holland.

Today I went for a nice walk with Dako,  it was nice to be outside, away from the stress.
Only a few days until Christmas, time flies for sure. Thinking of returning to Holland makes me nervous, and it gives me weird feelings. Feelings like I'm not done here, feelings like, I still wanna proof something. I would love to see the kids grow up and see how they continue there life's and be a part from that. But I'm not able to, and not alowed. 

Saf and I are over, over and out. I had this weird feeling coming over me today when I looked at her, she's gorgeous and I was thinking many thoughts, Why did it come so far? is it meant to be? Why did we change so much?, What happened? Will there be a better life for me in Holland? I will sure get my rest, being alone again, I don't know!  I have mixed feelings these days, feelings of missing the family, specially the kids! Feelings of, 'I wanna go and I don't wanna go.' At least I will have a good time with them with Christmas and new years in Canada! At least I hope.

Ups and downs...

Ups and downs...

This morning I felt awful, I really needed a little talk with Saf, (yes, again) cause I don't like her behaviour towards me lately. She's short in answer, ignores me, and sometimes yells at me. Or is it my imagination, I don't know. Either way, I got to see if I can find some time with her for a little short talk. Silly me! I know we broke up but I think we both can try to act normal, right? I feel pressure, because of the things I still have to do. I need to book a flight, pack my stuff, and I need to find  a place to stay when I arrive in Holland. Like I said yesterday, I posted a few items on Kijiji and Craigslist, with success, cause I had so many responses, specially on the speakers.

The people who responded on the speakers asked alot of questions, but all I wanted is that people just bought the damn speakers. (LOL) Most people want to know what model they were and if there in a good condition. I had one guy who came and had a look at them, very nice guy but he didn't bought them. He wanted to hear them but that wasn't possible. I didn't have a receiver. Still I get responses and get the same questions. The pressure of getting money together was getting to much this morning, I went upstairs and downstairs again. Once I went upstairs and I actually cried a bit. The pressure of getting  not the money together and the thought of "I need a talk with someone" was getting to much.

For the (I think) two hundred and third time I tried to call my friend in Holland. This time I called the place where he usually eats his dinner and a worker there answered the phone and told me "Call back in a hour then he will be here." And so I did and Finally, there he was. It was good to hear his voice, and he apologized for the missed phone-calls when I tried to phone him. He had some slightly good news, he told me he will get in contact with the 'group' where he usually is and lives, and talk to them about my situation.

*My friend lives on his own but is in contact with a group called 'Aveleijn', they help you on your way if you want to live on your own, and you have a problem or disability*

My friend will aswell get in contact with my Uncle and Aunt, he will call them and tell them about 'Aveleijn'. It's all good. I didn't had a chance to talk to Saf today, but she was in a good mood, and was slightly friendly. I thought, "Okay, never mind," but if she's acting cold again, then I will tell her. Today when she came back from Mississauga (to pick up some of her daughters) she listened to me and responded, when I talked  about selling my stuff and the contact with my friend. It felt good, and made me happy. This is the way I want it, for everyone to be nice and friendly, cause It's better for everyone. Four more day until Christmas.

Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Someone New

Five more days until Christmas.

Five more days until Christmas.


I have my Christmas presents ready, wrapped and signed, I hope it's gonna be a nice day, I'm in need of a nice day! Everyone seems so cold towards me, or is it just my imagination? I can't just ignore when there acting cold and move on. I wish everything was ready to return back to Holland, like luggage's packed, the flight booked, a place to stay in Holland, and enough money to get around. It's getting on my nerves and things worries me, I need a deadline. If the flight is booked I would be happy, that will be my deadline, if that's settled then I MUST  get a place to stay and I MUST pack my luggage's! Then I will have too!


Today was alright I guess. I needed a talk with Saf. But she was busy with changing the sleeping rooms around and I didn't wanna bother her. I'm very carefully towards her lately cause it seems everything I do or say is wrong, and all I want is to have a nice time before I go, no argues or angry words. Sometimes you just got to leave her alone, you know, private space, we all need that so now and then. I asked her while she was making dinner if she had some time for me 'after' dinner. "I'm busy" she said. "What do you need me for then, you wanna ask me something"? I said "Yes, about the money for the flight, they need a credit card on that site". Saf responded "Do you have the money already?" I said "No." "First I need the money from you then I will help you with using my credit card," she responded! 

She sounded hard and wasn't so nice. "It's not that easy to get 900 Dollar in a few days, right? and I don't have to ask my Dad again, cause he doesn't want to" I said. "Well, that's not my problem, see how you get money together, stop buying stuff and sell your belongings, you don't have to ask me how to get money," Saf replied. I got upset but didn't say anything. I don't understand things anymore, I wish I knew. I went to do something. I called a few second hand stores and some record stores, and asked them if they were interested in used cd's and dvd's. And they were. (a little yay!) I could just bring them and they will look trough it. Further I posted a few items on Kijiji and Craigslist. It was a antique chair, a little coffee table and 2 speakers. There mine.

I posted the used cd's and dvd's aswell on Kijiji. Saf asked me if I'm selling aswell the antique chair, cause she wanted to hold it for herself (she's in love with it) I said "Well, yes, cause I need the money, right? I would like to hold on to it," she said. "I need the money, 200 Dollar and it's yours" I responded! I was short in my sayings cause she was short in her sayings to me aswell when I asked her for her credit card to borrow for booking the flight. "Okay",she said, "It's fine, do what you have to do, it's fine" and I went on with posting. I hate being in this situation, I wish everyone would be nice, cause I'm trying aswell to be nice. 

It's not easy being in a break up and realize that I have to start all over again with completely nothing. I have my weird and crazy moments too. I feel that I'm changing while being in this situation, this is not me. Alot of people responded on my speakers and some on my cd's, Tomorrow they will come have a look, I'll keep my fingers crossed! Saf went of to work and didn't say much, I will try to talk to her tomorrow why she is like this. Tomorrow will be the day that she goes to Mississauga to pick up 2 of her daughters.

It's quiet in the house now

It's quiet in the house.


Quiet without the kids but still it felt busy. Tam and her daughter woke up first, and she was making the chocolates for work. They look so nice. Today we had the crazy idea to clean up the garage, Dako, Tam and me. In less in a hour we were done with cleaning and stacking the stuff. Finally the car fitted in the garage, but we still had to get rid of lots of stuff, it's all stuff from the last owner who lived in this house. While we were working in the garage, Tam corrected me with a few things, I don't like that, cause she's always annoying right, LOL! She means it good but it makes me feel dumb and it's annoying!


There was definitely something in the air today, something bad I think, moods came over me and I thought they were making a fool of me. For example I was asking Saf where the phone was, "Are you asking me"? Saf responded with a annoying tone, "No, I'm asking the chair" I said! Everyone laughed softly. why was Saf like that? She never response like that. So aswell in the garage while we were cleaning, Tam commented a few times on my work. (what I don't like) For example, if I would put a box on that side, then she would say, "it's better to put that box in that side, cause, blah, blah," etc, etc. I know she meant it with the best intentions but, aargghh, you know.


Later on Dako brought the matres and the boxspring upstairs for the single-bed in my computer room, the room  where I sleep now. I knew that Saf and I talked about the bed, but I still felt embarrassed and disappointed. I went to Saf and asked her "What are we gonna do about the bed, cause Tam told me the bed frame  is broken" Saf responded "What can I do about that? Then you ask Tam or someone else to fix that." I went mad and responded with a loud voice "I'm not gonna sleep without a bed-frame, why don't you just throw me on the street then." I was mad.


I had a little burst out again, and I was acting silly. The garage incidents with Tam and the way Saf was acting this morning didn't make me happy, I felt like a loser, and I knew it would end up in a bad day. "I can't do things right here, being in this crowded house is not good for me at the moment", I thought. I just can't find the right words for it. I realized today if I stay longer it will get worse and worse, I need to go home after New Years and I'm actually looking forward to it. Sigh! But I knew aswell that I will have it hard without them.


Things were getting on my nerves, I like that Dako is here now, we walk together alot, this evening we walked to BMO and to Tim Hortons. I bought him a hot chocolate, it was nice with him. We talked about everything and just nothing.

A day as usual...

A day as usual...

In the middle of the night I heard the micro-wave going on, I thought for few seconds "Who could that be'? Then I knew it was Saf. She probably decided to come back from Mississauga and not stay the night with her friend. I turned around in my bed and fell asleep again. I was so tired! 

9:30 am I woke up and got up. The last few days are going okay, everyone is doing there thing and so was I. Safa woke up later and I was curious how her 'karaoke' evening was. She was in a good mood so, I asked her how her evening was, "It was nice and fun" she said. Sigh! I miss Mississauga's  karaoke. Later today Safa wanted a talk with me about a thing she mentioned earlier. It was about a single bed for me, cause she wants to have her private space too now. (I still slept in 'our' bed) I have in this house where we live a so called 'computer room', it's a small room where I have my computer and music equipment. It's tiny but a single bed would fit in it.

I was a bit disappointed but it's understandable for her to have her privacy aswell, Saf wants to do some big changes in the house. I felt embarrassed cause the kids might think, "Why is Daddy sleeping here?" Saf answered "When they will ask that or mention something, I will talk to them". Why is it so hard again? cause I was just getting used to the situation. Sigh! The day went on and the two Mom's were cleaning 'big' time. Whenever that is going on I would like to help out, but usually I always walk in the way, and it's never good if I do something at that cleaning moment, lol! I did some dishes and one load of laundry. 

The evening came and I had a bit of a misunderstanding, My plan was to go to Tim Hortons with Dako, but Dako had planned that he wanted to go with Tam aswell, (what I didn't know of) cause Tam works at Tim Hortons and she had something to bring there. So, I asked Dako "what time you wanna go". "Let me first charge up the Ipod and then we go" he answered. Tam responded "I need to go too, but someone needs to watch my three year old daughter". I told her "Why don't Dakota and I go first and we will be back shortly and then you go"  (cause I already had planned to go with Dako, but, uhm, but Dako planned aswell with Tam, what I didn't know off) Tam didn't respond, and Dako was done with charging his Ipod, I went upstairs to get ready. 

When I came downstairs Tam went to her room, and Dako told me "Here's the plan, Tam and I go to Tim Hortons and you watch her daughter for a bit, when we come back we will go to BMO, cause I need to go there". I said "Okay". But I actually didn't want that, I'm not responsible for her daughter, and I didn't wanna walk all over to BMO (it's a 40 min. walk) I was upset but didn't say a word. When they came back Dako asked me "Are you ready? let's go". I said, "I'm tired, let's go tomorrow" I wasn't in the mood. I never knew about Dako and Tammy's plan to go to Tim Hortons. Sigh!  Later on I heard 'it' from Saf. Why didn't they just tell me? I wouldn't be upset then. Sigh!

Arcadia - The Promise

Christmas is getting closer!

 Christmas is getting closer!

Yesterday I wrapped my Christmas presents what I bought for the family, it was exciting to do, "Shall I buy some more gifts?" I thought, naah, it's good. I'm watching the kids at the moment and it's getting me tired. That's one thing I won't miss when I'm back. they can be annoying sometimes, asking for food, and snacks. I wish aswell that they stop being so damn cute, LOL!

I did some packing already today, I packed some DVD's and CD's. I did it with mixed feelings, packing my own stuff is not fun!  Saf is going out tonight to Mississauga, she will bring her kids to Hamilton, (to the ex) And Cle will spend a few days In Mississauga, and Saf is staying with a friend. She will prolly meet some other friends aswell. There going to sing some 'karaoke' (one of our favorite things to do when Saf and I went out!) 

Thinking of that makes me sad and makes me missing her already plus the moments we sung together. She will probably talk about the 'break up' with her friend, I guess that just happens, it's normal.(sigh) Such moments I just wish I wouldn't know of, it makes me longing for being somewhere else and just not knowing what she does or what's going on with her!

Today Saf asked me "What can I expect from you while your still here, cause you didn't do the dishes." I replied"What? I usually do dishes, only not yet this afternoon." I was surprised what she said and I told her, "I like to help out, while I'm still here, these last few weeks." I just have the feeling that I'm not allowed to help out now, sometimes.  There saying then, "Were fine and we can manage," or, "I don't want you to help, I'm fine."  It makes me a bit upset.

The evening came and it was time for Saf and her kids to go, on there way to Mississauga. Saf's brother and I made some dinner and afterwards walked to the Beer store. It was a long walk but I didn't mind, cause I wanted this evening to be over as soon as possible, I think you know why. While we were walking we had a nice talk, I think it was the first time we had such a long talk, cause were both not such a talkers in public. When we came home we watched some TV and had a few beers, and then time for bed. it was 11:30, a nice time to close my eyes.

Thursday already...

Thursday already...

6:30 am, I woke up by the sound of a kid crying. It was the 3 Year old from Tam. "Shall I get up?" I thought. She was pretty loud cause I could hear her from all the way down in the basement (where she was sleeping) till upstairs in bed, where I was sleeping. I got up and took her upstairs and putted on the TV for her.(Disney channel) It was way to early. It was a day like the last few days. Only I'm getting slowly more and more used to the situation. (I have too) Funny enough I'm sorta getting a little excited to return. Looking forward to the sauna and to see perhaps a few friends again,and  see my Dad, if he still wants to see me. I promised him a few times I will visit him with Saf, but our circumstances always screwed up our plans.

It will be though to return, starting all over again, in a new house. I remember when I was living on my own for the first time. It was hard to get it all done, I worked hard for the stuff in my house. It's all gone now, all sold. It will take a long time to find something new again and to start everything over. I Hope to find a friend where I can move in with for a while. Today Saf's brother is coming for a few weeks, celebrating Christmas with us. His name is Dako. I'm looking forward to his visit, he's a nice guy. I wonder how he will react about the break up. I noticed that Saf is sometimes acting different then she use to do the last few days. It's like she doesn't want me to be involved in helping out in the house holding or watch the kids, she told me once "We can manage". 

Maybe she got her reason for that. Maybe it's because it makes her feel that were still in a relation, and she does not want that, it must be awkward for her aswell, I just wanna help out, while I'm here, that's all. Maybe it's better to back down a bit then, I just don't like to see people struggle. It was 8:30 pm when Saf's brother arrived. He seemed quiet towards me, it felt he ignored me. But later on he talked to me, I was just guessing wrong. In the back of my head I was thinking "Maybe Dako already knows about the 'break up' and that's why he's ignoring me, I was wrong! Later on me and Dako watched a movie and drank a beer together. Saf had a girls night out that evening. It's all good.

Wednesday, will it ever stop snowing?

Wednesday, will it ever stop snowing?

Yesterday in the late afternoon I shoveled the whole driveway, and it was tough and cold! Why did I do it then?  I don't know, maybe to loose some anger. (It helps) Or maybe I'm just stupid. Like I said yesterday, I need to be positive and take it easy and just be friendly and jolly, just for myself and for the others! When someone is talking to me online or sent me a mails about our break up, I respond and I get mad again, "How on earth can she throw me on the street like that" I gave my whole house up  for her, gave my whole life"!! Thinking of it makes me mad. Doing things and clearing my head makes me move on again. 

Saf woke up and asked me to come with her to Canadian Tire. I said "Okay", so of we went to Canadian Tire, Saf, me and Ab. Saf was friendly, and layed back. I was a bit quiet and responded short on her questions. Maybe because I wanted her to feel pity for me, I know it's not right. A few hours before we went to Canadian Tire a friend talked to me on Facebook .She told me, "Maybe she wants you to be more independent and wants you to take more care of yourself". It made me feel bad, cause I know she's right.  Ofcource I do alot in the house but if it came to get a job I failed. Well I tried, but if I had to take the next step I get nervous. I needed Saf's opinion and a kick in da butt to help me on my way.

The flyer-delivery job (I found me a flyer-delivery job online) I did myself, I found the job online and responded on it. The job though had to be on Saf's  name cause I wasn't a Canadian citizen yet. At Canadian Tire I felt like a fool. I was still thinking of the 'be more independent and take care of yourself thing' that a friend told me this morning.

I was quiet, and felt a bit sad aswell. I thought "Here we are in a shop, me, Saf and the 3 year old, like it used to be, cozy and comfy. It will never be the same again, I felt like a loser, I need and needed to grow up! On our way back to the house she asked me if I heard something back from my Aunt. 

I said no. We talked a bit further, I was in need for a talk, to clear my head. I didn't ask for a third chance, but I asked "What will happen if I get a job here in Barrie"?  "What do you mean?" Saf answered. I stumbled and mumbled with my talking. "I want to be more independent and take more care of myself,"I said. "Our relationship is over Sjon" I want you to move on and I want myself to move on," Saf replied. I went quiet and told her "I really hope you realize what I'm  doing, I will have to start all over and I haven't got a place to stay, cause I gave up everything for you". She didn't respond. 

Just before we got out of  the car  I asked her to help me out with the moving to Holland. "I will help you out, the heavy stuff will be shipped over to your place","Don't worry" she said. I thanked her. I realized that it's really over between us. And I realized that with my behaviour (feeling mad, grumpy and sad) I won't achieve anything, I need to be positive, and have a good time the last weeks I'm here. She's nice to me so why can't I be nice to her, right?


I really gonna miss this Family!

Tuesday wasn't easy...

Tuesday wasn't easy...


I'm so feeling like trash, I just don't know what to do, where to start or where to begin! I joined a few Canadian Forums where I can perhaps find some solutions. I wrote down  my problem, and most people answered "become  a permanent resident." One guy said "Go back to Holland before you get caught, cause you overstayed the 6 months permitted big time!" This morning when I woke up, Saf came into the bedroom and took Tasn (the 7 year old daughter) out of our bed to sleep with her, Saf  just got back from work. I felt a bit upset cause of that, and stood up and got on the computer, it was 6 am. An hour later I went back to bed and decided to stay in bed and let it all be. 7:30, I stood up and woke up the kids. (I wasn't in a happy mood) Tasn was hard to wake up cause she was sleeping with her Mom.


I asked her to get up before the school bus leaves, Saf opened her eyes and asked me if I could check the school bus schedule, cause of the bad weather there might be no busses. I checked and yup! No busses! "Okay, never mind then" Saf answered and she called Tasn back to bed. "I have a 3 year old kid downstairs and she's  asking  me for food" I said. "Why you being so cold," Saf asked me. I was quiet first and walked away, 5 minutes later I came back and told her, "At the end of the month I have to be out of here, with absolutely nothing, I don't know where to start, I'm legal here and I might go to jail, that's why I'm so cold and in a mood, I'm sorry." She turned around and said something, what, I couldn't hear. I think I heard she said "Okay." 


I have been on the computer for a very long time, I'm lost and about to give it a rest. I like to help out aswell with cleaning or taking care of the kids, but I also don't want to. Sometimes other people do it, like they want to say "See, we can manage" or they want to act like I'm already gone, I'm sure it's all bad thoughts from my side, but still!

Saf was sleeping and wasn't in a good mood! The kids were naughty and the heater wasn't working, it was freezing!! I asked her "Can I help"? "No, Im fine" Saf replied. I had mixed feelings, I felt sorry for her but felt upset towards her aswell. "Why your acting like this", I thought. At the same time, my brain and thoughts were a mesh. I just don't know how to act anymore. I feel like a zombie sometimes. Sigh! It is as it is, and I really hope that we can both move on, on our own ways after all this, and be just good friends!  I'm  crossing my fingers!


With a meshed up brain I went out. I had to get out to clear my head and get other thoughts! I took the bus and I thought, I'm going to Georgian mall or just Downtown. Downtown I went! Dollarama was the store I was looking for, I did my last Christmas shopping and headed back to the bus. The bus took long. My plan was to take the 'Livingstong' bus and get out at the 'hospital' and walk over to Tim Horton's for a coffee and a snack. And so I did. I took the RVH 20 back to Johnson Street. and went out right beside Tim Horton's for my snack (insert proud feeling here)  I decided not to sit in the house (upstairs) and feel down all the time, just trying to make the best out of it was my goal. It is as it is! Be fun and be jolly!

Just another manic Monday...

Just another manic Monday.

Today it feels like I'm slowly getting used to the situation. I still have a bit the anger feelings towards Saf though, it feels unfair and I hope she realize what she puts me trough. I think my head is gonnna explode one day, cause of my silly thoughts and my silly moods. I looked on some Canadian Immigration Forum sites and my plan doesn't look so bright. My plan (B) is in doubts, I would like to stay in Canada and I try everything to make that possible. Just to see what my options are, here is what I wrote on that forum...

I have a question cause I'm kinda lost!

Me and my girl broke up after a two and a half year relationship. I came from Holland and she lived already in Canada. we both had a solid plan. We became Family and we had both the plan to sponsor me  for Canadian Citizenship. last year we became engaged and everything went well.

My first visit to Canada was for ten days. Then I returned back to Holland, two weeks later I returned for six months back to Canada to actually live with her. after the six months I returned back to Holland for four weeks, to sell my house and my personal belongings. She came to Holland to help me out. And together we returned back to Canada for good. We are now living in Barrie.

I knew I could stay again for six months, but the six months were over and we were both waiting to work on the sponsorship. But my girl had no full time job, cause of the many circumstances,  we ended the relationship and I need a place to stay. A friend of mine offered me a place in Mississauga.

Going back to Holland is almost no option! I would like to go to Mississauga, my question is, what are the chances of becoming a Canadian Citizen and live there for a long time? I need someone that sponsors me for Canadian Citizenship, any solutions?

And here are some  answers...

1. forget the Citizenship, first you have to become a permanent resident.
 
2. Unless you qualify under either FSW1 having had experience in one of the qualifying occupations in the past 10 years.
 
3. If you were able to find an employer who was willing to get a Labour Market Opinion approved from HRSDC that there were no Canadians/PRs available for the job , you then could apply for a work permit, allowing you to work temporarily in Canada.
 
4. Other than applying for a working holiday visa from the Netherlands if you are between the ages of 18 and 30 which would allow you to work in Canada for a year, then you will probably have to return to the Netherlands.
 
5. From your post, have you overstayed the 6 months that you were admitted for? If so, you have a larger problem.

That sounds okay, sigh, but I'm not that happy with number five! Cause I did overstayed the six months 'big time'!

Here is another answer...

You must apply as a skilled worker from outside Canada or find a job offer and get a work permit (very hard to do and still must be done from outside Canada)

No such thing as sponsor for Canadian Citizen ship outside of family class.

Going back to Holland may not be an option for you, but staying in Canada under your current status is not an option either.

I'm really getting worried and I hope I get more solutions. My first option is to stay in Canada if it's possible. Although I reconsidered my second option to go back to Holland my home country. But first I will pull all registers open for a staying in Canada! Am I going insane?

Like I said, today was a better day and I'm getting slowly used to situation. I do my daily stuff and help out where I can. It makes me feel a bit more wanted and it get my mind of things. I had one moment that I felt down and upset. Mostly I have that feeling when Saf starts to act like nothing has happened, and makes jokes and laughs. (What else can she do) After my 'down' moment I asked her for a little talk, and told her how I felt and asked how she is doing. I was in need for a talk to her, it's hard when your in a situation like this and you have no one to talk to. 

She talked normal and I complained a bit over how I felt, I stumbled with my talking, cause I was nerves being with her. I told her how easy it is if I think of it now, just being with the family and have a nice time without complaining as I do now. I told her that she was right in the talks we had in the past, Yes, I needed  for sure to get out of the house more and make new friends, and yes, I was to much focused on our 'us' moment, I realized that  many times but I failed in keeping that thought. Her responses were wise and short.

After the talk she asked me if I already had a plan for coming January. (Cause that's when I'm going to Mississauga to stay with a friend from Saf or perhaps Holland) I answered "I have no plan, but I'm working on it". She said "okay," and she left the room. I knew and realized then that it's over for real! I got to stop thinking of getting another chance with Saf, cause  I was thinking that aswell. I went to bed early.

Sunday...

Sunday...

Most of us were sleeping out, only Tam and her three year old daughter were up. Kids always wake up first (after me! LOL!) I  decide to get up aswell, I felt lonely and empty inside. Saf was still  sleeping. After my breakfast I went upstairs cause I didn't felt good, I felt a heavy pressure on my chest, crying moments, and suicide thoughts were getting stronger. (I recently sometimes have such moments) Thinking about it is not healthy I know, I got to stop thinking! It would be easy though after it, like a relief. Nothing to worry about anymore! I feel and think the Family is against me, is this the right feeling!?It seems the only thing I do is negative thinking the last few days.

I asked my Dad for some money cause of my BMO/ING problems, I did that a few times when I was really short, and it's never easy to ask a parent for money. The last time was horrible to ask, I rather never ask, but I just needed the money. December is a expensive month and last November I gave a big present to one of the daughters, cause it was her Birthday. November wasn't easy to get money out of BMO, it gave only a few 100 Dollar! I knew December was coming and it wouldn't be easy with a small amount of money. I needed money from Dad! My Dad is 70 and is not able to do his banking anymore, my Uncle offered to do that for him. My Dad accepted that, and now I had to ask if my Uncle could ask my Dad if he could send some money.

My Dad got mad this morning when I asked him for money, and I still don't know why! My Aunt was telling me in a mail, "You weren't so nice to him in a few  mails." I didn't understand it, cause I was nice as always to him in my mails. My Dad was telling me "If you really need the money then come and get it." Finally late in the evening the mail  came where I was waiting for so long. She told me, "Your Dad sent the money and I will hear from you when you come back, Dad will be very happy when you come back"! I got mad cause it was the fourth day after my break up and I didn't feel well! How could my Dad say that he will be happy to see me again? I thanked my Dad for the money in the mail back, and I replied aswell with telling my Aunt, "I will fight for Saf and I won't come back before I actually fought for her, he should feel sorry for what I'm going trough and returning to Holland is very hard on me now." I was so fragile at that point!

How could he say that he will be happy to see me again? My Aunt answered back telling me, "If this is your decision then our decision is that your not welcome in our house"! "We are sick and tired of your lies." (But, I NEVER  lied!!) I didn't answered back but e-mailed a few friends, telling them what happened and maybe they have a solution or a place for me to stay. One friend mailed back and told me, "You knew that this would happen!" (No, I never did) "Your Aunt called us" and she told me that you lied" (WOT!)  "You can't stay here, cause we have our own problems"!! "That's what friends are for", I thought! My Aunt is feeling upset about what I said to her, and now she called my friends to tell them "Don't let Sjon in your house". 

It makes me sad but I know aswell that, that's my Aunt! I told Saf the story aswell and she didn't understand my Aunt either. Sometimes no one does! It was a hard day, I felt down (and not only because of my Dad and Aunt) I thought I have to go out and do something! Perhaps some shopping.... again. I took the bus, after I shoveled the driveway. When I was waiting for the bus (the bus-stop is near our house) Cle (the 18 year old) came outside, and I knew that Saf would come  too! They were planning to go to Hamilton to pick up the kids from there Father's I heard later. Saf came outside, standing at the bus stop and seeing Saf 10 meters from me felt awkward and I wanted to cry! I felt like a stranger towards her, just a guy.. standing there...waiting for the bus. Just someone, someone who doesn't know Saf and her daughter.

It felt like such a huge distance! I didn't feel like going out anymore, the bus took forever aswell. I  walked towards Cle and Saf and Saf said when I passed her, "Yeah, you gotta love the Sunday busses." I answered silently "Yeah, I'm going inside,"She was quiet. I was not really in the mood to go out, later on I took the next bus! Silly me! It felt okay to go out, but on my own felt different then yesterday with Mar. I went to Goodwill but didn't stay long, it brought to many memories. I did my shopping and bought some nice last Christmas gifts. I bought also dinner for my self and headed back home. When I arrived Saf wasn't back yet, sigh! It's more then a two hours drive to Hamilton, so they would take a while. I brought my shopping stuff upstairs, went on the computer for a while and went  down stairs again. 

I did some dishes and got some stuff ready for the two youngest ones when they come back. (Pyjama's to sleep in, and clothes and food for tomorrow's school) I washed some of Saf's working clothes cause it was already late (She works at 10 and it was already  8) Why on earth do I do all this stuff?  One moment you think of killing yourself cause you feel down and then you do these things to help out!  Saf came back and it was late, the kids were very tired. They went right away upstairs and I tried to help out with putting them to sleep. Ab (the three year old) was easy, I putted him in pyjama's and he slept right away. The seven year old did not sleep until after one, she cried and was a bit grumpy. I took her for the night, otherwise she wouldn't sleep.  Saf was at work. Everything was fine later on. 

This day was okay....

This day was okay....

The two youngest kids are going to there Father's in Hamilton. He will pick them up around 10:00 am. I made some things ready for them, the clothing were packed and the snowsuits and boots were ready to wear. I promised I wake up Saf around 9:30 am (She had a nightshift and was sleeping) Everything was ready, but the kids Father  could call and then it's better for Saf to answer the phone. The Father arrived on time and drove off with the two kids. Saf had planned to go out today with Cle (the 18 year old) and the rest of the girls in the house, only Mar, (the 13 year old) stayed at home. Yesterday I promised her to go out Christmas shopping with me on Sunday. But I thought "Why not now? I could use some time out".

So, I asked Mar to go today instead of Sunday. "Sure" she answered! and off we went! We took the bus, and while we were in the bus my mood wasn't feeling so good, it felt just like yesterday in the car with Saf, crying moods and lots of thinking. The bus drive was long and the thoughts were running trough my head, bad and sad thoughts, nothing positive. But the bus drive was good for me. Finally we arrived at Georgian mall, there was alot of snow. We began our shopping, but first to the bank, (BMO), I hope there was some money to take out for me...... And there was, pffeeww!


It was good to go shopping, it kept my mind of things, and it felt good to buy things for the family. I had a list with all the names who I'm gonna buy gifts for. Just before we headed back I bought dinner for Mar and myself and then we headed home. As closer the bus came to our house, the heavier my sad mood felt again. Little crying moments followed. When we arrived Saf was not home, I felt a little bit of disappointment, I don't know why. The other girls were home and I asked them where Saf was. She was with Tam (the other Mother) to Goodwill. Later on when they were back Tam told me,that they needed a little break from all the teenagers who were with us when we were all out, "We wanted a 'mothers' out." It reminded me of the time I asked Saf out sometimes, just a 'you and me' moment. She mostly refused.I should  stop thinking these thoughts!

Me and Mar were hiding our Christmas presents and after we were done I did some cleaning. A little later Saf came home and I was upstairs, later on I went downstairs, I felt okay, I had some conversations on  Facebook chat and that felt good. I saw a huge dirty dish on the kitchen counter and I thought "Okay, maybe later". And so later I did the dishes and some cleaning up, Saf was sleeping cause of her nightshift later on tonight.

After the dishes I went upstairs to have a little lay down on the bed. Saf woke up and I called her in her bedroom, I wanted to pay her the money I still ow her. We talked shortly but it felt different, it felt like a friends talk. I thought it's not a good idea to talk about our 'relation' or our 'break up' when we are together. I mean not now, I rather go upstairs then or have a lay down just to calm down or think,  just by myself.

Saf went to work and I felt good, damn mood swings! The next moment your laying on bed feeling dead and lonely and the next moment you feel good! And then you think to yourself "I wish I could always feel like this, this feels good and easy, positive thinking. Maybe it was because Saf was of to work and I didn't feel the pressure of us  being together in this situation. Maybe it wasn't that a good idea to stay here. But yeah, where could I stay or go then? Being here is hard but in a way it does me good aswell, saying goodbye bit by bit and get slowly used to the idea of leaving. 

The day after...

The day after...

I felt weird and unwanted. Saf acted like nothing has happened and she talked with everyone, Ofcource, what else could she do. I was sitting in my room behind my computer, thinking, what can I do? I felt lost! Shall I put on a fake smile and go downstairs and pretend like nothing has happened? I sure did not had the strenght for that. In the house there's always something to do and there's always someone to talk to. Maybe it's good for me to go downstairs and do something, it's better then sitting upstairs and do nothing. It might keep me busy and keep my  mind of the situation. Ugh!

So now and then I went downstairs, but it was hard to see Saf and hear her talking. Mostly I was upstairs laying on the bed and thought about things, or I was on the computer reading emails or I was on Facebook. It keeps my mind of things.We found a cat a few weeks ago. We took him in the house, but it wasn't a success. He's a scratcher and was fighting with our other 3 cats. Today was the day we decided to take him to the vet, cause we couldn't hold him in our house and put him outside with this cold snowy weather was out of the question!

Saf asked me to come with her to the vet, I said "Yes." I had to go to BMO anyway, cause I owed her still some money. It's been a while since I was with her in the car, it felt weird. Saf talked normal, but there were also silences, mostly from my side. When we arrived at the vet we stood there waiting and I was thinking to myself,  "I want her back, I miss the moments like this, just you and me"! We stayed at the vet for 30 minutes and I felt like crying, I felt pressure on my chest, and not because of the cat or the little kitties there. I needed a cry!

On the way back I apologized for being quiet, "That's okay" she said. Then I burst out in tears and she held my hand. "It's so hard" I stumbled. She was quiet. I talked to her and said "It's so hard to go back to Holland, I'm gonna miss you, I just don't know where to start". "I know," she answered. Then I told her "let's just see what happens these coming 2 weeks" (I asked her yesterday, if I could stay for the Christmas and New Years. She said, "ofcource") Then Saf asked "What do you mean with let's see what happens." I was quiet and let her guess. She answered "Sjon, you can't stay forever, I want you to move on" "I want to be single." A silence followed, I felt upset and disappointed. I knew I shouldn't have told or asked her that!

I went upstairs again after our drive. It was time for dinner but I wasn't hungry. Sometimes I have my good moments and after dinner I actually did a few things, cleaned a bit up and red a amazing thread on a forum! 


Here it is:

It is not attractive to have someone begging you to come back to them. Imagine if you met someone at a party for the first time, and they were really sad and saying "Please go out with me" - not attractive at all.

Most men fail to realise that their relationship has ended. They still behave as if they are a couple when their girlfriend has split up with them. This is usually because it is a "surprise". What you need to realise is that your girlfriend has been thinking about this for AGES. She hasn't suddenly broken up with you, she has thought about it in private, and probably done a lot of crying and emotional stuff behind your back. Whatever the situation - your relationship has changed completely - so don't act like nothing is wrong.

POINT 1: YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
 
Once you have realised this - you can start to behave like yourself again. Go to the gym, do something new, get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Sure it hurts sometimes, and you can cry in your bedroom until your eyes look like footballs, but to the outside world you need to be strong and in control. If a woman walks away, and sees you crumble, she'll walk away for good. Be strong. Start to realise that you are a GREAT CATCH. She would be damned lucky to have you. Stand tall. Be independent.

POINT 2: TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM YOUR EX FOR A WHILE, HANGING OUT AS "FRIENDS" MERELY CONFUSES YOU AND PROLONGS THE PAIN.
 
If a relationship is supposed to work out, it will. If you were made for each other, a few months apart will not kill your love. However, a few months apart will kill HABIT. If you think about her all the time, go to places hoping to see her, send her texts and emails and letters, then you are not allowing your mind to move on. The sooner that you get over the emotion of it all, the sooner you can move on or get back together. You can't get back together successfully while you have a bleeding heart. Take some time out - heal yourself.

POINT 3: IF YOU HAVE TO SEE YOUR EX BECAUSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
 
Don't call her, and when you do talk, don't talk about how you broke up and miss her. If she steers the conversation onto that topic, say "Well, I tried to save it, but I guess it's too late now. Did you see ER last night? . .blah". Let her do the calling and running. Always let her know that you are glad she called. and that it was nice to speak to her, but don't pursue.

POINT 4: WHAT DO YOU WANT ?
 
Do you want her back? Or do you want what she used to be back. Remember that she will never be the sweet girl that you first met. She will always be the girls that dumped you (and did whatever else). Long term, can you live with this? Will you trust her again? If she comes home at 3am will you be worried? Remember that there are plenty more fish in the sea, and you can be just as happy with another person (who will not have all the baggage of the breakup).

You need to move on and can survive without her. When she tells you that "You never call and obviously don't care" - tell her that you do care, but need to get on with life and find someone who loves you and is prepared to stand by you.

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, chase her. You will never get her back! Be strong and you might get her back. If you do the things that I have said two things may happen:

1) You become a much stronger person, more attractive to your EX, and you get back together. But realise that you have to stay as this "stronger person" to keep her interested. If you go back to being the way you were she may well leave again.

2) She doesn't come back, but your head is in a better place and you are not so sad anymore. You'll meet someone else. Be yourself, and see if it works out. Find someone who loves you for who you are.

This tread made me feel better! 

It was time for Saf's nightshift. She just woke up out of her nap and I took care of the kids. It felt good to help out, just doing things! But yeah, like the tread said, "Try to avoid her and act cool"  that wasn't so easy with so many people in one house. I was short in my sentences, but nice towards her when she asked something or talked to me.  She thanked me a few times for doing  things in the house.

It was bed time. Saf is working a shift and I'm alone in bed, perhaps Nemo the 7 year old daughter will sneak in my room to sleep with me, like she always does, cause she mostly gets scared in the middle of the night....


I will miss this little girl when I'm gone...