Your daily Horoscope...

Your daily Horoscope

Tension may build today if you aren't careful about how you use your words, Aquarius. Remember that forces are trying to push you one way and pull you another. You may encourage a focus on the collective while others seem too worried about themselves. Yet another force is calling for outdated remedies and traditional structures that no longer suit your purposes. Blaze your own trail.

Interesting Horoscope today, I was on my hood and spoke every word carefully LOL. naah! just was on my hood. I woke up like usually and looked who was awake. (kids needed to go to school) Saf was up and awake! woot! Cleo was up aswell and Tammy came a bit later. So there was not that much to do.

I made the kids lunches last night. I made myself breakfast and helped out where I could. Saf drove Cleo to her babysitting job and came back later with two bags of grocery. She must be tired. "First some breakfast and then sleep" she said. The three year old went with her.

After my breakfast I putted the dishes in dish soap, and went upstairs on my computer. I confirmed with a place to stay in Holland, yay! There a nice couple living in Almelo (that's 20 minutes from my town) There both in there 40's and they seem nice. I asked them when I can come,cause I still don't have a date when I arrive. "you can come whenever your able too" they said.

That's a tiny little relief from my heart. So many things still to arrange though. (sigh) But I'm taking it step by step, I'm trying not to worry here. My next step is to get money for the flight and book it. I think I will be gone here within 2 or 3 weeks, or maybe even sooner, sigh!! It's still unreal, I asked my Aunt if they could ask my Dad again for money, it's so hard to ask but I'm in need! I made a deal aswell with Saf.


She wants to buy my computer and my antique chair. The deal is, Saf will ship some stuff for me to Holland and then she get the computer for free. Sounds like a deal to me. I got 2 bikes, 5 crates of lp's and boxes full of singles, cd's and dvd's, and some garden tools. That's a lot less then I had to ship from Holland to Canada.


Saf was nice today,she even showed me a site with cheap flights to Holland. "It's better to search for round trips, these are alot cheaper" she said. We looked both for some flights. "As soon as I get the money, hopefully in a few days, I want to book the  flight with you" I said. "cause your better in it then me". It was time for dinner and we, (Saf and I) were eating with the kids. It was cozy and comfy. I like it this way, I think it will make it easier on us for both.


I noticed something today, I think Saf is thinking that I talk alot with her friends on Facebook, to make her feel bad or for me to win souls, but I'm not. Yes, I talk to  a few of them, but they come to me first , and ofcource I'm tempted to talk about the things what's going on, I have non one to talk to in the house, but I'm trying  hold myself in. I don't wanna ruin my friends or her friends. Things can be so sensitive to say sometimes.


After dinner I did some dishes and Saf did some other stuff, she even petted my back for a while when I made a little joke, I was surprised and I thought "Huh"? Saf was being friendly, and is showing she cares. I'm not complaining.


I had alot of emails from My Aunt today, explaining me why my Dad is ignorant to me. I asked my Aunt in the morning "Why is my Dad doing so ignorant, I wish he wasn't like that". My Aunt replied "How would you feel, if someone promises you that you come to visit and you don't show up." I replied and said "I know I promised my Dad that I would come over a few times, but I didn't had money for the flights, and Sharon needs her rent-money too"  I apologized a few times.

My Aunt will go to my Dad again to ask him what's going on and perhaps asking for the money I need.

Hopefully tomorrow!

"When I repress my emotion, my stomach keeps score"

"When I repress my emotion, my stomach keeps score"


We have a saying in Holland "Jan is crying, Jan is laughing". It means that someone can change his emotions so fast, one moment he/she is crying and before you know he/she is laughing again. I had that feeling a bit today. 7:20 am, just like yesterday I woke up to get the kids to school, or help out where I can. I went downstairs to see who's awake. I saw Saf on the couch with the laptop on and the TV. I thought "Is she sleeping or is she awake?" I snapped my fingers a few times softly but no response, meaning, she's asleep. I did my things what I planned to do and after 10 minutes Saf woke up and asked me if I can get the kids off to school. "Yeah.. sure" I replied.


I don't mind doing it, I makes me feel good, and knowing that 'they' have to do it when I'm gone,' makes me feel good aswell. Sounds a bit mean but okay. Tasn was hard to wake up, I had to go upstairs a few times. After being upstairs for the 4th time I said to her "If you don't get up now, I will just go to bed and you can help yourself". She came downstairs in 1 minute. She was tired you can tell, it's been a long and busy holiday. Mary got up aswell, and on time, but fell almost asleep just before 8:30. I had to wake her up and tell her "Hey, it's almost time for school". She forgot the time and complained about being tired. Long and busy holiday, sigh! Not good.


My plan is to go to Goodwill this morning. The kids are off to school and the rest of the crew is sleeping, I'm free to go. I need a suitcase and I'm not waiting for Saf to come with me, I asked her a few times, but she doesn't sound so interested, "We will do it later," she says, I can't wait for later. I took the bus from 9:30, and I didn't feel so well, thinking about my 'situation' didn't me make me feel better. When I think about it, I get mad, mad at Saf. How could she break up with me and say, "it's better for you to go home, I want you to move on without me." Does she even realize what she is putting me trough? I understand the break up, but I really hope she knows where I'm going trough now and all the things I have to do to go back to Holland. She might think it's easy, but it's not! 


When I went out of the bus I walked over to BMO, to check if I had gotten some money. Nothing! My mood sank deeper and deeper and my (mad) thoughts went worse, ugh! I had to move on, and went to Goodwill for the suitcase. The one I saw last week was still there, yay! I looked at it and looked at a few smaller suitcases. I needed one more small suitcase to take with me in the plane, but I had doubts of which one to choose. To small, to big, I didn't know. Saf knows such things, I'm gonna ask her when I get home. I payed for the big black one and walked to the bus stop, a 20 minute walk is to do with a large suitcase.


I got home and it was busy, everyone woke up. there was lots of talking and the little kids asked if I bought something for them. I said "No, not today". I wasn't in the mood to be in a busy crowd (I was still full of mad thoughts) I took my suitcase and went upstairs on the computer, looking for houses and rooms. I must say the last few days I'm doing good with searching for houses, I got 3 people who have something. there are 2 who still need to confirm and 1 is (hmm) confirmed. Waiting for people to confirm makes me nervous. I wanna get it over with, just, to have a place and book the flight and be gone! 

I know it will be hard and though and lots of miss you's, but like a friend told me yesterday "you need to get on it, there's no time to waste". It will be a huge different life when I go back to Holland. I won't miss the hectic here in the house but I will sure miss the kids and Saf. They were the perfect Family but it got a bit out of hand, a bit much! I had totally no experience in a hectic family, I was slowly getting used to it but I went to slow. I didn't talk much to Saf this morning. When I was upstairs packing my new suitcase, (just the clothes what I'm not using) Saf came upstairs aswell. I thought "shall I say something or not"? I was still grumpy at her in my mind. Then I told her "Hey, look at the suitcase I bought."

"Oh, nice, you went to goodwill this morning"? I said "Yes!" "Good for you", she replied. And she went on with what she was doing. I felt like a little kid getting a nice compliment. It didn't felt good. The day went on and I made some lunch at the kitchen table. The kitchen counters were busy, Tam was cooking and Saf helped out. I told her about the search for houses, "I have three places and all three still need to confirm, the waiting makes me nervous". 

Saf replied "They probably have work, don't worry about it". She was friendly and nice. SafSaf was putting the 7 year old in bath and cleaned her own room. We both were friendly and had a few jokes. It makes me feel good to get my mind of things so now and then. Perhaps it's better to think positive and be nice and friendly instead of  being  grumpy and ignorant. Even though I think she was wrong with breaking up with me, and telling me, "You have to go back to Holland."


After the dishes I went for a shower and had dinner with the kids and Saf. Tam's 4 year old Daughter was naughty and wasn't so nice in her sayings, and I could tell that Saf wasn't happy with that. She has a attitude sometimes. I didn't say much about it, I didn't want to get involved in that. Saf wants to talk with Tam about her Daughter's behaviour today, she told that aswell to the Daughter. (kids) It was a long day and I feel okay, I should worry less about the situation where I'm in now, and be more positive. Me being grumpy and feel bad doesn't change things. Like I said before "it is as it is." Make the best of it, and give it a 100(0) procent!


Time for bed!

Joy Division Atmosphere

"Our lives are never certain, not even for an hour".

"Our lives are never certain,not even for an hour".

The kids are going back to school, and it was early up again for most of us. I had a bit of a rough night but okay. The 7 year old couldn't get to sleep, she was watching movies in her room and it was already 11:30, I told her you really need to get some sleep cause you have school tomorrow. The 3 year old was sleeping downstairs with her older sister. Tasn asked me to sleep in Ab's bed so she won't be alone. She's mostly scared in the night and walks of to sleep with someone. I decided to  sleep with her, when she was still awake at 12:00. It took a while that we both fell asleep. I woke up around 1:30 am and I saw Tasn next to me snuggled in and was sleeping.


She's the girl I probably will miss the most after Saf. To cute and to adorable, I would have love to see her grow up further .We spend so much time together and seen so many parks, I learned her to ride her bike bit by bit. She's still a bit afraid but that will pass. I love her so much. Saf came back from work after 5 am and was dead tired, blame the long drive from yesterday to Hamilton. When I woke up I helped the kids with getting ready for school, Tam was there aswell and helped her Daughter. Saf went to bed again, to tired. Everything went well. The morning went fast and I was dead tired, I had a pressure on my chest and was almost sleeping behind the laptop.


Saf woke up cause she had plans to go out to pick up a dvd player and some grocery. Tam, Cle and  Ab  went with them. I was still tired and I needed a second nap. And so I did. Today I felt like I have to make decisions. I still haven't heard back from the guy who has a room for me, I'm thinking, if I don't hear from him this week I will move in for a little while with a friend of Saf. I might go this Saturday. Saf will drive me she said. She's in Mississauga, and offered me a place to stay. I know her from 'karaoke', Saf knows her too. When I'm there I can release my stress and move on with less pressure. Book a  flight when I have the money together, and I don't have to be out of the house before the 15th of January at her place. 

I know aswell that I can't stay that long but it gives me atleast a bit more time and it will be better for me to be out of the house. I'm slowly getting used to the idea that I'm out of the house probably this next weekend. It's getting so close now, and it will be a different goodbye,  cause Saf is bringing me to Mississauga. I slightly confirmed with Saf's friend where I'm gonna stay with for (I think) 2 months. She warned me friendly that I need a plan when I come over, a plan to move as soon as possible to Holland. And she told me I have to pay for my own stuff (food and other expenses) She's was friendly but doesn't have much money, that's why the paying for myself. 

I understood everything she said and I respect that. I will have to pay rent aswell ofcource. But nothing is confirmed yet with that guy who has a place for me in Holland, so I will just see what happens this week. I will sure do my best to get things started this week. I will pack and try to sell a few more of my items. Busy week. I asked Saf to come with me for the records that I'm selling, I need a ride to the record store and they will have a look at my records and they will tell me a price. Saf told me "we can go Thursday or Friday, then I have 2 days off" I said "Alright". Saf wasn't so happy because I slept with Tasn, she told me with a loud voice...

"look! If she wakes up (likes she always does) tell her to go to my room, I don't want you to sleep with her" I replied, "I didn't know she had to go to your room, or I just forgot". I didn't had time to explain myself clearer, cause she went on. "I told you so many times, that she has to go to my room then". I ignored her and let her be. Later on in the evening, I asked her "what do I do with Ab, if he wakes up". "Send him then to Cle" she replied. I apologized her for sleeping with Tasn, (we usually did this cause the 2 youngest always wake up in the middle of the night, and wants mommy or daddy. "I didn't like the way that you yelled at me" I told her. 

"But you don't seem to understand" she replied. "Yes, I do but last night it was 12:00 and she still was awake, "She wanted someone, so I offered her that I sleep with her," I said. "I'm sorry I yelled, but I just want her to learn that she sleeps by herself" Saf replied. I understood and I said, "Okay". Saf went to work and the kids were awake again, I decided to put them to sleep but after a half hour Ab was naughty, I sent him to Cle, and let the 7 year old watch a movie, she will fall asleep soon then. Tomorrow another day... goodnight..

"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes".

"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes".

I have slightly good news. A few days ago I putted an add on a Dutch selling site, asking for a place to stay in my hometown. And 1 guy responded on that add. He was short in his sentence, he told me "When are you coming to Holland"? And that was it. I thought it was someone who arranges rooms for students or other people who are looking for rooms. So, I told him my story, knowing he was someone who can be trusted.

 A few days later, he replied back and said only "keep me informed". I thought "Who is this guy"? I decided to ask him friendly who he was. He replied back with a story saying, he was divorced last November, and lived in Hellendoorn (that's 10 min. from my hometown) He wants to move by the end of  January to my Hometown. He told me I could stay for a few months at his place then. He told me about himself and he's a nice guy.

I will keep contact with the guy, and inform my Aunt about him. I told the news to Saf aswell and she was happy for me. She told me "you should ask the guy when he wants you, cause 15 January my Daughter comes back to live with us". I knew this already, but the so called 'deadline' makes me worried and sad. Saf is nice to me, but it feels like fake. I'm thinking "Saf wants me out before the 15th of January". I'm worried.

But let's not talk to fast, first I want to see what happens with my place to stay. I will do my best to go earlier, but I'm NOT gonna push myself just because she wants me out of that room before the 15th. I got to think of myself awell, the guy who's offering me a place to stay could be my last chance. If he refuses then I'm more further in deep trouble. I know that Saf's children come first for her, and I respect that, but she can't throw me out just like that when her Daughter comes.


So, many things to arrange. It feels like I have a deadline!


I made a plan. (1) This week I will try to confirm with the 'guy' who has a place for me. (2) I want to collect all my belongings and decide what to do with it. Perhaps sell some stuff and the rest ship it overseas. Saf was willing to do that.(3) Get cheap suitcases and start packing. (4) getting my money together and book a flight. Easy right? LOL!


Saf went for a ride to Hamilton to pick up the kids from her ex. Mar went with her. They had a nice afternoon and came back late. Saf did some grocery aswell and some shopping when she was on her way back. Tam was apparently happy to see Saf and went to her for a talk, and another talk, and another talk. It's getting annoying. But I shouldn't be bothered about it cause I'm going home, but I bother, Sigh! I just got to let them be, and I will!  I have other things on my mind.


Funny thing is, I know that Noor, Saf's 15 year old daughter is coming the 15th of January and then I have to go cause her room (the one I sleep now) has to be empty and ready for her. I'm worried about myself, but I'm also concerned  about Saf and her Daughter, concerned that I wont be out of there before the 15th for her Daughter. I should be more worried about me, worried about my own things. It's all so double.


One thing at the time please...

"Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right"

"Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right"


The house was quiet when I came downstairs. All asleep ofcource after New years night. I went on the computer and made me a bowl of Cheerios later. The two teenagers were going home today, one teenager left in the morning and the second one followed a few hours later. I guided them out and thanked them for last night. It was 'awesome'.


I had a little plan today. I'm going to clean up a little bit before Saf, Tam and Cle come back. The kitchen will be clean, and I'll do some sweeping here and there. I expected them back in the late afternoon like they told me, cause Saf has a night shift. I was almost done with cleaning and suddenly the front door opened, it was Cleo! They returned, and so early! It was 1:00 pm. (woot!)


They were good and jolly and I asked them if they had a good time, "It was good and we had fun," Saf replied. I asked Saf were they went last night, "Were not telling", said Saf, "we promised each other not to say a word, it's our little secret" I was surprised cause, I thought they went to karaoke, but I saw on the website last night (where the karaoke was), that there was not even a karaoke that night, that was later this day.


So I was curious this morning and last night where they went to. But there lips were sealed. Maybe they went to another karaoke gig. (There were two gigs in Toronto) I was asking to much, LOL. Saf asked me "Did you try to find me, or find out where we were?"  I said "No". Oh well, they had a good time and I had a good time, that's all that matters. (still a tiny bit curious though where they went, LOL)


The day went on and Cle had to go to work. (babysitting) Saf drove her and Tam decide to come for the drive. And off they went again. I didn't mind and went on with what I was doing. I decided to make myself dinner, cause I didn't had a proper dinner the last few days. Potatoes, carrots and 2 sausages. Everyone was doing there own stuff, so I did too. Making dinner.


Saf came back late, just before dinner, and I was upstairs behind the computer. Normally I would come downstairs, but naaah, they will be fine, I thought. It was a lazy day and everyone was doing things for themselves, and so did I.


After my dinner, I sat down and watched TV and after an hour I went to Tim Hortons for a 'candy cane hot chocolate', they are so good. That's one of the million things I will miss in Canada. I should make a list what I will miss from Canada when I'm back in Holland.


Early to bed, it was a lazy day.....

"A new year, a same goal." (long post)

"A new year, a same goal."

I stood up around 8:30am and had the idea to go to 'Goodwill' for some cheap suitcases, it was 50% off price today. Everyone was still sleeping, I made some breakfast and a little note for Saf that I'm  going out to Goodwill. I didn't feel so well, but I think that's normal when you suffer a break up, with all ups and downs. I miss her so now and then. Holding her hand, her touch, just being with her, the way it was in the beginning.

After I ated my breakfast people started to wake up and Tammy came from work. Tam, Saf and Cle have plans for tonight, they told me they have a 'girls night out' (probably karaoke) and they will be driving to Mississauga and stay over one night. I was disappointed and asked Saf if I could come, cause I wanted one more 'karaoke' night before I go back to Holland.

She refused and said, "I'm not taking you, we decided this already a few days ago". I was upset but understood that they wanted a 'girls night out'. I dealed with it. Today was also the day that we all go out together to the movies, were gonna see 'The little Fockers'. It will be fun.

It was time to go to Goodwill. On my way in the bus I had that feeling "why can't I come to karaoke", I just couldn't get over it. Damn, deal with it, maybe that's why I went out, to get my mind of things. I felt mad, sad, disappointed, I wished that this day will be over soon. I should be happy for her and the others, and I should be happy aswell, DEAL with it! The bus arrived and I took of to Goodwill. It was a long walk but it was worth it. I saw two nice suitcases for a good price. I was planning to buy them but they were to heavy to carry trough the snow all the way to the bus stop, and I didn't wanna damage them. I decided to let them be for now and pick them up later after the movies. And off I went to the bus stop heading home. It was good to be outside.


Saf was still sleeping when I arrived safely home. Soon she will be up cause it's almost time for the movie. And there she woke up after 10 minutes. I took a coffee and Saf went on my laptop. I told her about the suitcases, "We will pick them up after the movies" she said. We both had a little cozy talk, about our break up. It was a nice talk with no angry words, Saf told me something but I forgot the words. It was something like, "I liked you as a friend long before I loved you and I don't want to sacrifice that". Yeah, that was it. She said aswell,"You were in love with me big time" I replied, "Hmm..... okay.... you were too I noticed." We talked further and the issue 'financial support' came along. "Don't start with that, cause it will upset me again" said Saf. 

"I understand and I don't wanna upset you," I replied. Today I had some Facebook mails aswell, some were a bit hars but they were honest, and I got the message. They told me that the best option is to go back to Holland as soon as possible and start a new life, as hard as it sounds, they are right! Saf couldn't carry the responsibility anymore and my job or  our goal was that I'll be the one who brings in the money in the Family. Being  a Father and being a Husband, I said it a few times to myself while I was here the last two years, I even wrote it on a note "be the Father and be the Husband". The note gave me strength. Everything was new for me in Canada, I felt like a little kid who had to learn everything in a relationship sometimes. And I loved her big time! (maybe to much) 

I never met a girl like Saf who fell in love with me this big, and she was honest, I could tell! I was so carefull in the beginning of our 'clicking,' just that I was worried that she was just on of those 'fake'girls that I have met a few times. Everything went to fast and I lived in a dream. I never, never wanted to hurt her. I failed hard finding a job, it was so difficult to find a job without a Canadian ID. It was all cash jobs and that didn't bring in much money, but I had to start somewhere. I feel sorry, and I shouldn't have asked for 'financial' support, what was I thinking. like I said I'm totally new in these things. The break up was hard on me, and still is, I couldn't think straight, I took some advices from others but screwed up. 

I don't wanna fight or argue anymore but return to Holland with both of us a smile on our face, and tell each other "Hey we had a good time but it didn't work out" and then wish each other the best, and say "keep in touch"! It was time for us to go to the movies. Me, Saf, Mar and her 2 friends were going first, cause we all didn't fit in the car. I had this 'annoying' feeling over me. (I will explain later about this) I wasn't that in the mood, but I went. Saf  dropped us of at the mall and we walked down the cassiere to get tickets. Saf gave the money for all of us to buy tickets and I gave the kids snacks. (fair enough)


I was quiet while were taking our places in the theatre. After 15 min. Saf came with Tam, Cle, and her friend. We were sitting in the back and Saf 's crew were sitting in front of us. I was quiet and annoyed, I hate that feeling. The movie started and it was a good movie, the movie made me think aswell. I see likeness with the Fockers, LOL! Me as Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) and Tam as Kevin Rawley (Owen Wilson) and perhaps Grandma as Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro)

Owen Wilson plays the ex from Greg's wife. And he does everything better, overdoes it alot, and is always around where Greg's wife is. It makes me think of Tam. (my bad) Ofcource the movie overdoes it alot, but it just made me think.Tam is always around the family, everyone likes her. I like her too but sometimes I think she's sometimes to much around. It's one of the reason I faill in the things I want to do in the house or do things for to help out, you know, being the Father and the  Husband.

She does it always better LOL! She's smart and talks with no ending and comments and correct people so now and then. I know she means it good and does everything with love but, I think it's just to much I can handle. Sometimes I think what would have happend if she didn't came in our house. Would it have been better? Maybe it would, I don't know. I always think to myself, specially now, I could have done so much better, cause I know for sure I have it in me, but it's to late.

After the movie we dropped of the teenagers and then Saf, I and Tam went to Goodwill for the suitcases. and guess what! It was closed cause of New Years, it was after 5:00, bad luck! The ride went on and we drove to Mac's for some lottery tickets. Saf and Tam were so much joking around that it became annoying, and I had already that annoying feeling in me. I should have just laugh with them and make jokes aswell, but I just couldn't do it, I didn't had it in me, I was quiet. The thing what annoyed me is that Tam is so much around Saf lately. I shouldn't be bothered about that but, I don't know, it just bothers me, maybe now it feels double cause of the break up. I always wanted Saf to be happy. 

But I had it sometimes hard when someone was talking to her to much, it mattered though who she was talking to. I knew it was a wrong, and mostly it didn't bother me, but sometimes, aaarghh! I learned my lesson now! The time came that Saf, Tam and Cle were going out, it was 7:00 pm. Hair straighteners, perfume, make up, it was time to get ready. Me, Mar, and her 2 girlfriends, were planning to go out aswell. (let's call the 2 friends teenagers) The plan was to go 'Downtown', I was looking forward to it, I didn't feel like sitting in the house all night. Mar stayed home with another friend. Saf took off and we did too. We took the bus and it was free to go, yay! It was a pleasant ride and when we arrived we were searching for the party. 

But first to the beach, it was nice to watch the water in the dark and we saw some fireworks that suddenly went off. Then we went Downtown, cruisin the streets looking for the party, after cruisin for almost 30 minutes we heard loud music, and there it was! the party!

There was a  huge stage with a live band, and lots of people, and there was enough to do for us. I was happy and so were the teenagers. Half way trough the night I saw suddenly Tam and I thought "huh?" I looked around for Saf and Cle. They were there too, I asked them "What are you guys, doing here? I thought you guys were going to Mississaga". Saf told me they had dinner first at a sushi bar, and they will be heading of soon. 

"We came to have a look at you guys" replied Saf. I though there car broke down or there night out didn't go trough. Saf took off again and wished us a great night. We went on with our own things. It was a nice night with lots of music, autographs, and some food. After 12:00 there was again fireworks and then we decided to go home. The bus wasn't free this time. Our night was good just like we wanted. I knew that Saf was at karaoke and has a good time. But still I thought "I wish I was there", not because of Saf but just to have a nice night with friends and have Karaoke. Karaoke was till 2:00 am and when it was 2:00 am I was happy. Silly me! It was 3:30 am. A nice time to go to bed..

Hopeless...

Hopeless...

I woke up this morning and felt down and lost. I didn't even have the strength to get up, and yeah, what is the reason to get up anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel I gave everything, and I'm tired. I think I just give it a rest today and continue tomorrow. Maybe I will go out. I truly wish Saf showed some interest in the things I do to get back to Holland.
I went out, I grabbed my winter boots, scarf, and winter jacket and went off. When I closed the door, I saw the bus just driving up to the bus stop, I had to run and couldn't even think that if I should go or not, yeah, I had doubts. While sitting in the bus I thought "What am I doing? "should I go back or not?"

The bus went on and on and I was still in doubt, "Should I get of here and walk home?" I went of at Walmart and decided to go to BMO and after that a little breakfast at Tim Hortons, then perhaps Goodwill for suitcases. (I need them) When I went to BMO it didn't give me money, not even 20 Dollar, nothing! Sigh! My mood went further and further down. I decided to go back home! Waiting for the bus took long. Finally the bus came and I asked "Do you take a 20 Dollar bill?" (It's all I head) He said "No, I don't have any change, but I will stop at the Plaza for three minutes, so you can get change." Nice, the bus driver dropped me of and there I went running to a little shop to get the change.

The bus took of again and I went of at the Hospital and went from there walking to the house. When I arrived everyone seemed busy and no one asked where I went. A minute later I saw Saf but she didn't ask anything, not even where I went or just a hello, I wasn't surprised. I made a bowl of cheerios and sat down in the kitchen. After the cheerios I went upstairs and turned on the computer to check my mail. I needed a lay down aswell cause I felt  down and felt like crying. I cried a little bit or was it just pretending? I don't know, I guess  it was just hard to cry. Why doesn't see just help me or show some interest? I went downstairs for a cup of tea and saw Saf folding laundry, I decided to go to her and tell her where I went, and how it went . Her answer was "Oh nice." She didn't even looked at me when I was talking to her. 

I was half in my conversation with her and went quiet for five seconds and then I went upstairs. I mumbled to her softly "I feel like talking to a wall." Again I checked my e-mails and I had a mail from my Aunt, she had a option to stay with my niece, I thought sigh! "Where on earth is this going to end" and I burst out in tears, I cried like a little kid. All the nerves and stress came out from the last few weeks. After thirty minutes I went downstairs again. The kids were watching a video and Saf sat with them, I sat down with them on the floor, I was quiet and was thinking. I wanted to ask her when were going to the record shop to sell my cd's and records, (we talked about this) but I waited for the right time. "After the movie is good" I thought. 

And so, the movie ended and then I asked her. She replied "I don't actually feel to go with you, cause I'm still upset, last night I noticed you deleted me aswell from Tasn profile on Facebook (I made once a Tasn FB profile) She was upset and I told her, "There is more in life right now then Facebook Saf." "I know," she said, "but it's so immature of you," I didn't speak cause I was not in the mood, I thought "She's maybe right, I don't know...What a day." And there I went, upstairs again, I packed some things in a box what I didn't need anymore. When I was done with that I made myself lunch and Saf spoke to me and asked me, "Are you mad now?" I answered, "Yes, just a bit." I explained why I was mad and lost the last few days.

I told her, "I just wish that you showed some more interest in the things I do at the moment." She said "I wont come to you when you are like this." I replied, "I understand that, but I don't have it easy the last few weeks, you gotta understand that." The issue 'financial support' came sliding in our conversation. Saf replied, "If you had another woman and you would have asked her for financial support after a break up she would have kicked you out of the house." "No, or maybe," I replied. Then Saf said "I actually talked to a few woman and they said the same." I replied with, "I have been asking for advice, and I heard the opposite." 

I was okay with this conversation, it was better then ignorance. And it looks it was a hard conversation with fighting words but it wasn't that hard. We were okay, and the day went on, she did her things and I did mine. She gave me a few options aswell when I talked to her about a few things I was working on. "Is Amsterdam not an option for you or another city, you don't have to stick with Nijverdal" Saf said. (Nijverdal is my place where I have been born and lived almost whole my life) It was an idea and I looked on the computer for 'Amsterdam options,' Hostels, a camping, and hotels. There expensive though and I don't know, I even thought of staying in Canada again. I think I'm going insane, lol. 

Floating...

Floating...

I had a nice sleep, and I woke up after I heard the kids downstairs. Time to get up and show some positive vibes towards the family. I made the kids some Lucky charms and made myself a bowl of  Cheerios. My stomach was hurting so I thought a light breakfast would be good. The kids were being naughty,  and I commented them with a loud voice, it's needed sometimes. Saf woke up to early after working a whole night, it was 10:30 am. She ignored me when I said 'Good morning.' I tried again 'Good morning' but nothing came out of her mouth. "Then not," I whispered, and went further on my laptop. Sigh! We were both in a mood from that incident what happened yesterday.

I decided to just continue with the things I used to do and just let her be. I did quiet alot this morning, I made a few phone calls, talked to two friends and asked them in a nice way if I can move in with them for a few months. (Yeah, how on earth do you ask that? ) They both answered "No." They felt guilty but they had enough 'things' on there own. These friends were almost my last options to stay over with. Sigh! I still get replies from the selling site ' Kijiji' but they don't buy my stuff.(another sigh!) I searched for hotels and rooms but it's hard to find them. I even placed a few adds saying 'I'm looking for a place to stay' on a dutch selling sites, one replied and told me he had a house for sale in my town, if I could buy it for a few million, sure I said! Nooot! 

I even mailed the army of salvation in Holland to see what they could do. So, yeah I did alot and it gets tyring. I should ask my Aunt and Uncle for a place with them, but I'm afraid to ask, I should, but I'm waiting for the right time, she's could be my last option. Tomorrow I will look for more friends or Family where I can stay with. I wish Saf showed some more interest, in what I do. Just that she would come up to me and ask me how the things are going or how far are you with things. Maybe a bit to much to ask for someone who broke up with you. Today Saf asked me if I deleted some photo albums on Facebook. I said "Yes. I did,  that was weeks ago." The first day we broke up, I got upset and went with a upset head upstairs on my computer and deleted some of my photo albums on Facebook. I shouldn't have done that, but me with my silly angry head I did. I regret it now cause such photos are always a good memory for later.

my Facebook status from last night:

I will never be sad for what is over..I'll just be glad that it was once mine.... hell yeah! When I look back I only can say... the greatest happinesses are family happinesses... I love you guys!!!! Forever and always!!

This is what I want, I will be easy the last weeks while I'm still here, I have to!

The kids are fine and acting nice, at the moment I'm sitting on the couch with them, and it's cozy. I see a load of dishes in the kitchen. I'm planning to do them before I go to bed. Saf is slowly talking to me again, I mean she responses when I ask her something,  still I'm laid back and a bit ignorant. Tomorrow another day!

And further and further downhill I went....

And further and further downhill I went....

This morning I just wanted to be alone, but I got up anyway and did some things in the house. Cleaned the kitchen and looked were the kids were. Saf's uncle came passing by my room later on, he  saw the speakers and I told him I'm selling them. He was interested and thought about buying them. He apologized aswell for the break up. I had a few emails from my Aunt, she told me that there was an option to stay with my Dad's niece. She's over 80. I told my Aunt that I will think about it and will send a email soon. There supposed to be a meeting tomorrow with my friend Johan and my Aunt, they are both looking for a solution for me. I replied my Aunt with a mail saying that I was interested in staying with my Dad's Niece, and asked about the tomorrow's  meeting. 

My Aunt responded that it wasn't possible to stay with the my Dad's Niece cause my Aunt called my other Uncle and he said no, (weird) "She's way to old" said my Uncle. Aswell the Major from Nijverdal replied with a mail back (I send the Major a mail asking him for solutions) He replied saying that they can't do a thing for me, and in the end of the mail was written, "Maybe you can ask your girlfriend for financial support." Then I got a bit upset, cause yeah, Saf should give me some  financial support, or not? I don't know, it confusses me. Either way she doesn't wanna, she refussed the last time I asked her. At the moment I feel sad, upset and worried. I just don't care anymore, it's such a different feeling then I had a few days ago. I'm in need of a talk with someone and I need to calm down... again! This situation is getting on my nerves.

The 'Drop in' guests left in the afternoon and it was quiet all of a sudden. They left so fast that it gave a awkward feeling. The 'Drop in' was a success, we had alot of fun. It was hard to say goodbye cause of the way I felt, I wasn't in a good mood. Dako left too with his uncle and Dad, saying goodbye to him was heavy I hugged him like I hugged the other guests who left. I spotted a little tear from my side but I hidded it. Later on in the evening after dinner I sat with Saf, she was on my laptop. I spoke to her and I updated her about the things I did today for my plans for Holland. She responded friendly until I showed her the mail from the major, she went upset when she red about it,  "Maybe you can ask your girlfriend for financial support."

She laughed a bit and said  "I got a big family to take care of, I can't afford that."..."I got nothing, I'm broke" I replied. I tried to stay friendly but I was mad inside. I said "I'm only asking for some support cause I can't do it all by myself, just little things could help me already" I went on, "I'm not asking for 1000 of  Dollars, help me find a place or help me find some stuff on the Internet what are usefull." She replied, "I can't speak Dutch, I can't help you." She was mad I could tell. Then later on she actually came up with a few advices, she told me about getting a hotel for a few nights or call your place where you get your monthly money from. I wasn't happy with that answer and went quiet, I was lost. I went upstairs and got mad inside, I turned on my computer and logged in to Facebook. 

I went to Saf's profile page and deleted her and blocked her. (My bad, I knew already I will regret it, what I'm doing) I'm such a kid! After being a few minutes on the computer I went downstairs for a coffee and Saf asked me if I deleted her and blocked her, I said "Yes, but I didn't block you." "Yes! you did" she replied! "No!" I answered!  I'm such a liar, I should just have told her that I did delete and blocked her, and the reason why I did it. I was to scared to tell her, scared of what would have happened. I deleted her and blocker in a mad moment, I screwed up and another little fight was born. I felt bad and woke up out of my upsetness and  felt regrets. I went upstairs again and tried to explain things to her trough a mail. She sent me the mail back from the 'Major,' saying "This is ridiculous, that you asked me for support". Again I got mad and send her a mail back with some angry words... 

I replied, "My Dad payed for your and Ab's flight to Holland, I feel like trash throwed out on the street, breaking up seems so easy for you." She sent me a last email saying "I didn't ask to come to Holland, you asked me, if you still want to remain friends then don't go on like this." I had enough, ofcource she's right. (as always) But still I was mad at her and mad at myself. But mostly about this whole situation where I'm in. I went for a long walk to the BMO bank, just to get some air and to calm down... again. Everytime I go for a walk, I clear my head and think of what I did. I tried to think of solutions and ask myself what did I wrong or that I was wrong and not her, and why she's acting like this. It was aal to much to think of and still I was mad and I was lost. 

Just before I got home I realized that the best way is just to ignore her and let her be, and for the rest do the things what I always do. I watched the kids when Saf was sleeping (she had her night shift.) She ignored me still but I was fine with it. I just went on, I watched a movie with Nemo on her bed, and later on I did the dishes, dried them and put them away. It was after one, Saf was already working and the older kids were having fun elsewhere. The two youngest ones were sleeping. I went to bed aswell, it was a long day! Confession: When I have it very difficult in the situation where I'm in now, I sometimes wander myself of in the garage or go for a long walk. In the garage I have a few items where I can throw with to loose my anger. The things where I throw with are garbage bags with paper, no worries here, I always clean up afterwards.

In this month I went twice to the garage, I never, never knew that I had this anger in me, but hey, I have never been in such terrible situation either. Aswell a good relief to loose anger is to shovel the driveway... I feel sometimes ashamed and bad about myself, I'm not myself lately, I'm NOT a bad person! I'm NOT a bad person!

The drop in...

The drop in...

Today I had a E-mail from my friend in Holland, and he told me, that it wasn't possible to move in with him or to get a house from Aveleijn. " You need a indication to get a house," he told me. Next thing he told me was "The best thing you could do is to inform the house-corporation in Nijverdal and tell them your story." It looks like it's going downhill further and further with my plan of moving back to Holland, is it a sign? A sign that there is a chance I could stay in Canada? Here's my horoscope from today...

Your Daily Horoscope

This is an auspicious time for you, Aquarius. It gives you the energy and enthusiasm to make the necessary changes in your life. There is a lot of work to do, but you're up to it! First focus on your relationships. Your loved ones don't care about your professional successes. They want (and perhaps need) to spend more time with you. Do what you can to bring your life more into balance.

I think I'm already doing that, but I also got to focus on my plan to go back to Holland, cause this horoscope might be just a mite. Today was again a busy day, Saf's Uncle and her Father arrived around noon. Everyone was there for the 'Drop in,' Saf was cooking dinner and I helped out here and there, it was crowded and busy. It was good to see Saf's uncle and her Father again.

Dinner was served and we sat at our new dinning table. The food was delicious and filling. Later on in the evening we played games with little presents, and there were the famous jello shooters aswell. It was a nice evening, the kids were down in the basement playing there games.... It was a 'normal' day with lots of people....

FRANK BLACK - YOU'RE SUCH A WIRE

Busy day with lots to do...

Busy day with lots to do...

But first some cleaning, cause tomorrow supposed to be a 'drop in' day. Dishes, vacuuming, and tidy up.Dako and I took of later of in the morning for some boxing day shopping. Saf brought us to the mall, that was nice and friendly. I'm feeling good and I'm not much thinking of what's waiting for me in Holland. Actually, sometimes I'm thinking of another chance with Saf. but those thoughts are just flashes and I try to ignore them. 

Sometimes I don't even know what to think, just live the day and see what happens next. Just floating. While shopping Dako gave me a new sweater from 'American Eagle', as a late Christmas present, that's nice of him. He told me aswell that he will go soon to his Dad's place in Hamilton. Saf's Dad and uncle are  coming tomorrow for the 'Drop in', there staying both for a day and a night. When they go back Saf's brother Dako will go with them. I will miss him cause we spent alot of time together these last few weeks. If he wasn't here it would have been different and harder.

When Dako and I returned I started a bit with cleaning and getting things ready for the 'Drop in'. We all helped out. It was a day like always, Saf was being friendly and the kids were busy being annoying. Do I look forward for the 'Drop in'?  yes and no, cause it will be busy and with alot of talking, and I'm not that a talker, we will see what happens, I'm not worried.
Mar had her friends already over, last Sunday they came, they are two girls (both 14) Later on in the evening Saf's niece and her boyfriend came. What can I say, it's gonna be crowded. I think I will wonder of sometimes. I  will see...

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas!

I slept only 4 hours and I was tired, the kids were still sleeping surprisingly. It was 9: 30 and we all decided to wake up. We woke up the kids and we wished everyone a happy Christmas. I wished Saf a happy Christmas aswell in her bedroom, Mar was with her. I apologized for last night, and she said, "Oh yeah, that was rude, I'm so gonna get you back on that, prepair for it". Saf responded it with a smiling face and I thought "It will be okay, and anyway, I deserve it" The kids woke up and were excited about the many, many presents. We gathered all around and started with unwrapping the gifts. Everyone was nice and it was good, everyone was happy with the gifts, Saf was nice and she thanked me for the gifts, she seemed to forgot the incident from last night. 

After a few hours the gifts were unpacked and the kids were playing with there toys. Saf went to bed cause she needed it, to much red wine last night? Lol! Tam, me and Dako played Monopoly. It was a long play but fun and so different then the Dutch Monopoly. It was a good day and we played a few games more. Saf woke up at 3:00 pm and we were still playing. There was not much going on and Saf seemed to forgot the incident from last night, she mentioned it as few times but was quiet in getting revenge. A little incident happened with Tam and me while were playing Monopoly for the second time. 

There was a thing (don't know how you call it) where you put your drinking glasses on so that it won't scratch the table. And that thing was turned around and it had metal, so it could scratch the (antique) table. Tam asked me "Did you put that thing the wrong way? you know you get scratches like that, right"!? I responded, "No,I didn't" (or I think I did, I can't remember.) "Yes you did" she responded, and she explained why and what can happen when you do such a thing. I got annoyed and told her "Okay, okay, I know it now. She went on and tried to made a point. (like she always does) I said sorry, but she went on, and then I said "Sorry" with a louder voice, and after that a bit more louder. 

Then she told me "Don't yell at me, I don't like when people do that". I said again "Sorry", but she wouldn't listen. I tried to talk with her but she just wouldn't stop. I walked away and said "Whatever." I sat somewhere else and let them play the game further. I was maybe annoyed because I wasn't winning the game so well, and the fact that Tam wanted to make such a point. Later on Saf asked me what happened, apparently Saf and Tam spoke to each other about the little incident. Saf was nice and I was surprised that she asked. I explained my side of the story and she responded wisely. She told me "Okay,that's another side of the story". Later on Tam and I both cooled down and were good again. We all went to bed early, we were tired and knew that tomorrow will be a long day...

Christmas is knocking on our door!

Christmas is knocking on our door!

Today the presents will be put under the tree, that will happen when the kids are in bed sleeping. Today was a normal but long day, Saf was nice and I like that, it's better then being ignorant and short, both of us. It makes me feel better aswell, I guess this situation is just awkward for both of us. Today Dako and me planned to go for a walk, and Mar will come with us. When we were on our way Mar wasn't planning to go for a long walk and complained a bit. But she did well and just followed us, we had a good time. We went first to the BMO bank and then to Tim Hortons for a 'Candy cane hot chocolate', Dako bought me one. There so good!

We decided to move on to another store after our hot chocolate's, we knew a short cut. On our way we cut trough a little forest that went downhill. Very downhill! There were sticks and fallen down tree's. On the end of the downhill was someone's backyard. It was such an adventure to go downhill, we had laughs and fun. When we arrived in the backyard we had to run cause we heard a dog barking. It was hilarious, then we headed on to the store, we bought some stuff and went home. I actually didn't wanna go home, it was fun being outside and I didn't feel the pressure from being inside of the house. It's not that easy to have fun and act like nothing has happened or is happening.

The evening arrived and Saf wasn't home cause she was shopping with Tam. (the last Christmas shopping's) When they came back they both started wrapping the last gifts and after that it was time to put them under the tree. Everything went well and everyone was nice. It was a nice day.We all sat down by the tree and Tam and Saf were drinking red wine, they were giggling and had alot of fun. Nothing the matter with that, we all had fun. I was a bit quiet and felt awkward but it was okay. Saf got a bit drunk and started to be annoying and I thought "Oh well". It was 2:30 am and we all decided to go to bed, cause the kids will be up early in the morning for the presents.

When we were about to go to bed, Saf was tipsy and loud. She had to much wine. I was annoyed but I thought "Just let her be". When Saf was in her bedroom with Mar she was talking louder, and laughed hard. The two little ones were sleeping and I wanted to go to sleep aswell. After waiting thirty minutes I decided to go to her room and tell her to be quiet. But it went a bit different then I expected, I asked her to be quiet, but it came out differently, I told her to "Shut the f#ck up". (Oops!) I was suprised I said it, but I couldn't turn my words back, it was just to much I could handle. I guess I was to much annoyed plus the stressed feelings I had in me from the last few weeks. I let the time pass and letted it just be for now. I shouldn't have said it, I felt guilty and sorry.

Saf went on with laughing harder cause she felt insulted, she was right! I said it cause I was annoyed and I thought about the kids and others who wanted to go to sleep plus I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. It was a short night with not much sleep. Sigh! I screwed up again.

Talking reliefs...

Talking reliefs...

Saf went to Hamilton  to pick up the two youngest ones in the early afternoon. The family is complete again including the noise. It was weird to see the little ones again after almost five days.. The last five days without the kids was different, it sure was quiet. This morning I was up early and felt the same as yesterday. Yesterday I thought alot of how it would be to be back in Holland, and how I will miss this family here, It will sure be different! I felt the same way this morning, I needed again a talk with Saf. (Will I ever stop?) Just to satisfy me, just to be sure of things, to calm me down. I talked to Saf just before she took of for her journey to Hamilton. I started the talk with how I felt, I just didn't know how to start the conversation, I was nervous, and I stumbled.

I told her about my friend and what he will be doing for me, Saf responded friendly. I told her that I need friendly people around me at the moment, and that I would like her to be friendly, "You seem a bit cold lately and ignorant", I said to her, "Or is it just me?".  Saf was nice in her responses and then she told me she had to get ready to pick up the kids. I felt better after the talk, It's just what I needed. Sometimes I have that feeling that there all against me, and all because of this break up. Saf brought aswell Noor (the 16 year old daughter) who lives with her Father in Hamilton. She's friendly and talks alot and is not afraid in her sayings. She knows about the breakup but she didn't mentioned anything yet.

Later tonight there were a few things going on, the kids were not listening. It was late and Saf was taking a nap before her night shift, the kids were making noise and Noor was in charge, and I helped her out a bit. Later on Saf went to work and left the 16 year old daughter in charge of the two little ones. By meaning putting them to bed in Saf's sleeping room. And she did, but in a different way then we normally do. One of us always stays with them until they sleep, but Noor putted a movie on for them and  took off to the garage with the other girls. Ofcource Ab came downstairs a million times.

I went to the garage to tell the girls that Ab has woken up. I thought "I'm  again watching the kids, what would have happen if I wasn't here right now. There' all in the garage and I'm watching the kids, I don't mind, but It was not my duty to take care of them, Noor was in charge. Today I asked my Aunt to be prepared to ask my Dad for money (again) sigh! I'm nervous that I can't buy the ticket for my flight, I want to get it done and be just over with. Maybe after Christmas, cause everyone is now focused on the holidays. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Time flies...

Time flies...


Things are going easy today. This Morning was a bit boring cause the selling of my belongings is still not going well, and then you can't do much, no packing, cause it's to early. I searched for a few more record stores for selling my records and cd's, I will call them tomorrow again like I did this morning. I did a bit of dishes and laundry, and was on the computer. Saf was sleeping, she had her night shift. When she woke up she came downstairs, grabbed a apple and took of, "I have to do something, I'll be back soon. "Okay" I said. Things are easy, like I said. The friend from Holland keeps contact with me. I had 2 emails from him today, the first one was a confirm that he's gonna talk to my Aunt and Uncle next Wednesday. And the second one was just some nice words. It's good to know that my friend is thinking of me back in Holland.

Today I went for a nice walk with Dako,  it was nice to be outside, away from the stress.
Only a few days until Christmas, time flies for sure. Thinking of returning to Holland makes me nervous, and it gives me weird feelings. Feelings like I'm not done here, feelings like, I still wanna proof something. I would love to see the kids grow up and see how they continue there life's and be a part from that. But I'm not able to, and not alowed. 

Saf and I are over, over and out. I had this weird feeling coming over me today when I looked at her, she's gorgeous and I was thinking many thoughts, Why did it come so far? is it meant to be? Why did we change so much?, What happened? Will there be a better life for me in Holland? I will sure get my rest, being alone again, I don't know!  I have mixed feelings these days, feelings of missing the family, specially the kids! Feelings of, 'I wanna go and I don't wanna go.' At least I will have a good time with them with Christmas and new years in Canada! At least I hope.

Ups and downs...

Ups and downs...

This morning I felt awful, I really needed a little talk with Saf, (yes, again) cause I don't like her behaviour towards me lately. She's short in answer, ignores me, and sometimes yells at me. Or is it my imagination, I don't know. Either way, I got to see if I can find some time with her for a little short talk. Silly me! I know we broke up but I think we both can try to act normal, right? I feel pressure, because of the things I still have to do. I need to book a flight, pack my stuff, and I need to find  a place to stay when I arrive in Holland. Like I said yesterday, I posted a few items on Kijiji and Craigslist, with success, cause I had so many responses, specially on the speakers.

The people who responded on the speakers asked alot of questions, but all I wanted is that people just bought the damn speakers. (LOL) Most people want to know what model they were and if there in a good condition. I had one guy who came and had a look at them, very nice guy but he didn't bought them. He wanted to hear them but that wasn't possible. I didn't have a receiver. Still I get responses and get the same questions. The pressure of getting money together was getting to much this morning, I went upstairs and downstairs again. Once I went upstairs and I actually cried a bit. The pressure of getting  not the money together and the thought of "I need a talk with someone" was getting to much.

For the (I think) two hundred and third time I tried to call my friend in Holland. This time I called the place where he usually eats his dinner and a worker there answered the phone and told me "Call back in a hour then he will be here." And so I did and Finally, there he was. It was good to hear his voice, and he apologized for the missed phone-calls when I tried to phone him. He had some slightly good news, he told me he will get in contact with the 'group' where he usually is and lives, and talk to them about my situation.

*My friend lives on his own but is in contact with a group called 'Aveleijn', they help you on your way if you want to live on your own, and you have a problem or disability*

My friend will aswell get in contact with my Uncle and Aunt, he will call them and tell them about 'Aveleijn'. It's all good. I didn't had a chance to talk to Saf today, but she was in a good mood, and was slightly friendly. I thought, "Okay, never mind," but if she's acting cold again, then I will tell her. Today when she came back from Mississauga (to pick up some of her daughters) she listened to me and responded, when I talked  about selling my stuff and the contact with my friend. It felt good, and made me happy. This is the way I want it, for everyone to be nice and friendly, cause It's better for everyone. Four more day until Christmas.

Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Someone New

Five more days until Christmas.

Five more days until Christmas.


I have my Christmas presents ready, wrapped and signed, I hope it's gonna be a nice day, I'm in need of a nice day! Everyone seems so cold towards me, or is it just my imagination? I can't just ignore when there acting cold and move on. I wish everything was ready to return back to Holland, like luggage's packed, the flight booked, a place to stay in Holland, and enough money to get around. It's getting on my nerves and things worries me, I need a deadline. If the flight is booked I would be happy, that will be my deadline, if that's settled then I MUST  get a place to stay and I MUST pack my luggage's! Then I will have too!


Today was alright I guess. I needed a talk with Saf. But she was busy with changing the sleeping rooms around and I didn't wanna bother her. I'm very carefully towards her lately cause it seems everything I do or say is wrong, and all I want is to have a nice time before I go, no argues or angry words. Sometimes you just got to leave her alone, you know, private space, we all need that so now and then. I asked her while she was making dinner if she had some time for me 'after' dinner. "I'm busy" she said. "What do you need me for then, you wanna ask me something"? I said "Yes, about the money for the flight, they need a credit card on that site". Saf responded "Do you have the money already?" I said "No." "First I need the money from you then I will help you with using my credit card," she responded! 

She sounded hard and wasn't so nice. "It's not that easy to get 900 Dollar in a few days, right? and I don't have to ask my Dad again, cause he doesn't want to" I said. "Well, that's not my problem, see how you get money together, stop buying stuff and sell your belongings, you don't have to ask me how to get money," Saf replied. I got upset but didn't say anything. I don't understand things anymore, I wish I knew. I went to do something. I called a few second hand stores and some record stores, and asked them if they were interested in used cd's and dvd's. And they were. (a little yay!) I could just bring them and they will look trough it. Further I posted a few items on Kijiji and Craigslist. It was a antique chair, a little coffee table and 2 speakers. There mine.

I posted the used cd's and dvd's aswell on Kijiji. Saf asked me if I'm selling aswell the antique chair, cause she wanted to hold it for herself (she's in love with it) I said "Well, yes, cause I need the money, right? I would like to hold on to it," she said. "I need the money, 200 Dollar and it's yours" I responded! I was short in my sayings cause she was short in her sayings to me aswell when I asked her for her credit card to borrow for booking the flight. "Okay",she said, "It's fine, do what you have to do, it's fine" and I went on with posting. I hate being in this situation, I wish everyone would be nice, cause I'm trying aswell to be nice. 

It's not easy being in a break up and realize that I have to start all over again with completely nothing. I have my weird and crazy moments too. I feel that I'm changing while being in this situation, this is not me. Alot of people responded on my speakers and some on my cd's, Tomorrow they will come have a look, I'll keep my fingers crossed! Saf went of to work and didn't say much, I will try to talk to her tomorrow why she is like this. Tomorrow will be the day that she goes to Mississauga to pick up 2 of her daughters.

It's quiet in the house now

It's quiet in the house.


Quiet without the kids but still it felt busy. Tam and her daughter woke up first, and she was making the chocolates for work. They look so nice. Today we had the crazy idea to clean up the garage, Dako, Tam and me. In less in a hour we were done with cleaning and stacking the stuff. Finally the car fitted in the garage, but we still had to get rid of lots of stuff, it's all stuff from the last owner who lived in this house. While we were working in the garage, Tam corrected me with a few things, I don't like that, cause she's always annoying right, LOL! She means it good but it makes me feel dumb and it's annoying!


There was definitely something in the air today, something bad I think, moods came over me and I thought they were making a fool of me. For example I was asking Saf where the phone was, "Are you asking me"? Saf responded with a annoying tone, "No, I'm asking the chair" I said! Everyone laughed softly. why was Saf like that? She never response like that. So aswell in the garage while we were cleaning, Tam commented a few times on my work. (what I don't like) For example, if I would put a box on that side, then she would say, "it's better to put that box in that side, cause, blah, blah," etc, etc. I know she meant it with the best intentions but, aargghh, you know.


Later on Dako brought the matres and the boxspring upstairs for the single-bed in my computer room, the room  where I sleep now. I knew that Saf and I talked about the bed, but I still felt embarrassed and disappointed. I went to Saf and asked her "What are we gonna do about the bed, cause Tam told me the bed frame  is broken" Saf responded "What can I do about that? Then you ask Tam or someone else to fix that." I went mad and responded with a loud voice "I'm not gonna sleep without a bed-frame, why don't you just throw me on the street then." I was mad.


I had a little burst out again, and I was acting silly. The garage incidents with Tam and the way Saf was acting this morning didn't make me happy, I felt like a loser, and I knew it would end up in a bad day. "I can't do things right here, being in this crowded house is not good for me at the moment", I thought. I just can't find the right words for it. I realized today if I stay longer it will get worse and worse, I need to go home after New Years and I'm actually looking forward to it. Sigh! But I knew aswell that I will have it hard without them.


Things were getting on my nerves, I like that Dako is here now, we walk together alot, this evening we walked to BMO and to Tim Hortons. I bought him a hot chocolate, it was nice with him. We talked about everything and just nothing.

A day as usual...

A day as usual...

In the middle of the night I heard the micro-wave going on, I thought for few seconds "Who could that be'? Then I knew it was Saf. She probably decided to come back from Mississauga and not stay the night with her friend. I turned around in my bed and fell asleep again. I was so tired! 

9:30 am I woke up and got up. The last few days are going okay, everyone is doing there thing and so was I. Safa woke up later and I was curious how her 'karaoke' evening was. She was in a good mood so, I asked her how her evening was, "It was nice and fun" she said. Sigh! I miss Mississauga's  karaoke. Later today Safa wanted a talk with me about a thing she mentioned earlier. It was about a single bed for me, cause she wants to have her private space too now. (I still slept in 'our' bed) I have in this house where we live a so called 'computer room', it's a small room where I have my computer and music equipment. It's tiny but a single bed would fit in it.

I was a bit disappointed but it's understandable for her to have her privacy aswell, Saf wants to do some big changes in the house. I felt embarrassed cause the kids might think, "Why is Daddy sleeping here?" Saf answered "When they will ask that or mention something, I will talk to them". Why is it so hard again? cause I was just getting used to the situation. Sigh! The day went on and the two Mom's were cleaning 'big' time. Whenever that is going on I would like to help out, but usually I always walk in the way, and it's never good if I do something at that cleaning moment, lol! I did some dishes and one load of laundry. 

The evening came and I had a bit of a misunderstanding, My plan was to go to Tim Hortons with Dako, but Dako had planned that he wanted to go with Tam aswell, (what I didn't know of) cause Tam works at Tim Hortons and she had something to bring there. So, I asked Dako "what time you wanna go". "Let me first charge up the Ipod and then we go" he answered. Tam responded "I need to go too, but someone needs to watch my three year old daughter". I told her "Why don't Dakota and I go first and we will be back shortly and then you go"  (cause I already had planned to go with Dako, but, uhm, but Dako planned aswell with Tam, what I didn't know off) Tam didn't respond, and Dako was done with charging his Ipod, I went upstairs to get ready. 

When I came downstairs Tam went to her room, and Dako told me "Here's the plan, Tam and I go to Tim Hortons and you watch her daughter for a bit, when we come back we will go to BMO, cause I need to go there". I said "Okay". But I actually didn't want that, I'm not responsible for her daughter, and I didn't wanna walk all over to BMO (it's a 40 min. walk) I was upset but didn't say a word. When they came back Dako asked me "Are you ready? let's go". I said, "I'm tired, let's go tomorrow" I wasn't in the mood. I never knew about Dako and Tammy's plan to go to Tim Hortons. Sigh!  Later on I heard 'it' from Saf. Why didn't they just tell me? I wouldn't be upset then. Sigh!